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Thread: Insecurity

  1. #1

    Default Insecurity

    I don't know when it started becoming an issue for me. Maybe when I started college and realized it's what separates most of the guys from me, what got them what they wanted and I didn't, and what made them desirable and not me. Height

    It sounds stupid, it sounds trivial, but it's true. My biggest insecurity has been that I'm short. I'm about 5 foot 2. 3 would be a generous extra inch. The national average in the USA is around 5'9, and it does make itself known. Most girls are my height or taller than me, and for some reason girls in this country pursue a taller individual. I've asked around and tried to find out why, but got no real answer, they couldn't explain it. Most position I've applied for I got turned down in favor of much taller candidates, and whenever in a group, they ask the tallest to help lead a task, and nobody thinks I can do anything (being typically the shortest person in any group of similar age people)

    Clothing rarely fits right, either to short, or too long, and pants have to be tailored or it will just look like I'm playing dress up. So I always look like I'm wearing extended tees and slightly baggy pants, despite that I only use skinny jeans.

    It's not fair. I don't wish I was taller than people, just as tall as most guys are. I don't get taken seriously when I go to reputable establishments because they think I'm some teenager (I look like I'm 15) and even as recent as a year ago was offered the children's menu at a restaurant!

    I hate being short. It makes me look unreliable, makes me look incapable, and it makes me look undesirable. I resent that I was made short.

    Sorry if this sounds like a tirade.
    Has anyone struggled with this?

  2. #2

    Default

    Unfortunately there are certain physical characteristics (height, build, the length of your firehose..) that are definitely a component of how others judge you and which you have little control of. I'm fairly short (though not quite that short), but what I really hate is my build... I'm really thick in the upper chest and narrow at the waist... silly thing to complain about but it bugs me. Been trying to put on more muscle but I just look goofy, and realistically it's physically impossble for me to get the look I'm going for.

    That you'll be judged by others on things you can't control is one of those realities of life you just kinda have to deal with.

    What you can do is focus on stuff you can control:
    1) Your personality - lame but it's true. Some women arn't going to find you attractive based on your physical appearance, but plenty won't care. This also relates to people taking you seriously. One of the main leads where I work is really short and people take him plenty seriously because he's got a good strong personality. Work on becoming a rounded individual who can hold a conversation, be entertaining, listen well, etc. If you're typically a passive guy work on being more assertive. The idea though isn't to change who you are but to grow.
    2) Hair - grow a beard and evaluate your hair style.. it can make a huge difference (the beard will certainly stop people offering up the kids menu, and ditching a boy-band hairstyle for something more serious can have a huge impact).
    3) Clothing - same as hair.. the way you dress can have a pretty big impact on how others perceive you (whether they want to admit it or not).
    4) Hit the gym - a little muscle in the chest and arms makes a _huge_ difference. I was legitimately surprised how much notice it got when I started hitting the gym a bit. Others noticed before I really did.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should become obsessed with your appearance and start spending thousands on fancy designer cloths, but if how others percieve you is becoming a concern, putting a little effort into your appearance is defintiely worth it. Additionally if _you_ like the way you look you'll probably project more confidence as a side effect, which is one of those things that people seem to pick up on.

  3. #3

    Default

    I think the truth of the human race is that we all have our own individual insecurities. Some of us worry about being overweight, tlosing our hair, having big feet, bad teeth... well, the list could go on forever, No one is perfect, and everyone, absolutely everyone, has something about themselves that they wish they could change. So you are really not alone in feeling this way.

    I think as we get older (or at least out of school) we stop placing so much emphasis on looks, height and how we fit in. We tend to evaluate people on their kindness, their compassion, and the contributions they make to our society. Those are the important qualities in life and those are the things any life partner would be looking for in a long term relationship. If you accept the things in your life that you cannot change, and accept others in the same way, you can focus on your best qualities to find a deeper and more meaningful relationship with a partner. Your time will come. Besides, I'm in that 'average height' of 5'9" and I still feel shorter than a lot of people.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 30-Mar-2016 at 11:18.

  4. #4

    Default

    I'm 5' 7" which isn't very tall. When I was a school kid, I enjoyed being smaller. Small can be cute, and attitude is half the battle. I think what's more important is what you can do. I've always been a good musician so music got me through. Growing up on the Jersey Shore, I was bullied when I was young, so I took up weight lifting and that ended the bullying. Us smaller guys typically build defense mechanisms. Mine was comedy as I was the class clown. At home, I was pretty quiet. You just have to find your own way and figure out what works for you.

    Now in my life, few people can play the pieces I play on organ and piano. Develop your strengths and people will come to you.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by BoundCoder View Post
    Unfortunately there are certain physical characteristics (height, build, the length of your firehose..) that are definitely a component of how others judge you and which you have little control of. I'm fairly short (though not quite that short), but what I really hate is my build... I'm really thick in the upper chest and narrow at the waist... silly thing to complain about but it bugs me. Been trying to put on more muscle but I just look goofy, and realistically it's physically impossble for me to get the look I'm going for.

    That you'll be judged by others on things you can't control is one of those realities of life you just kinda have to deal with.

    What you can do is focus on stuff you can control:
    1) Your personality - lame but it's true. Some women arn't going to find you attractive based on your physical appearance, but plenty won't care. This also relates to people taking you seriously. One of the main leads where I work is really short and people take him plenty seriously because he's got a good strong personality. Work on becoming a rounded individual who can hold a conversation, be entertaining, listen well, etc. If you're typically a passive guy work on being more assertive. The idea though isn't to change who you are but to grow.
    2) Hair - grow a beard and evaluate your hair style.. it can make a huge difference (the beard will certainly stop people offering up the kids menu, and ditching a boy-band hairstyle for something more serious can have a huge impact).
    3) Clothing - same as hair.. the way you dress can have a pretty big impact on how others perceive you (whether they want to admit it or not).
    4) Hit the gym - a little muscle in the chest and arms makes a _huge_ difference. I was legitimately surprised how much notice it got when I started hitting the gym a bit. Others noticed before I really did.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should become obsessed with your appearance and start spending thousands on fancy designer cloths, but if how others percieve you is becoming a concern, putting a little effort into your appearance is defintiely worth it. Additionally if _you_ like the way you look you'll probably project more confidence as a side effect, which is one of those things that people seem to pick up on.
    Actually there are some tricks to the appearance factor
    1) monotone: don't wear colors that contrast so much, especially if they contrast at a horizontal level. So all black appears taller than black pants with white shirt
    2) long sleeves. Long sleeved shirts will give the appearence of height, idk why it just does.
    3) no shorts. Like #1, they sort of divide the shape of the body by cutting the leg shape in half. If it's really hot, light linen pants are best for looking tall
    4) no horizontal stripes. Unless one is really skinny, it just adds to the shortness. Reversely, vertical stripes can help add height, so a pinstriped suit works much better than one that's not.
    5) slimming haircuts. Fading/tapering the sides helps give the illusion of height, or slimmer neck.

    A lot of it sounds dumb but I do all of it, another good way I've tried to look taller is that everything I wear is slim/skinny. Especially pants. Because I sing and use my lungs so much I have a larger than usual chest, which works well when I wear suits but other than that just looks kind of unusual. But I'm working on that, I've been eating a lot less and jog like every day to help. If I can't be taller I can at least get slimmer and fake it

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Butterscotch View Post
    My biggest insecurity has been that I'm short.


    only joking. i'm a midget, too. i'm not sure if it's ever truly bothered me, though.
    to give it a bit of context, i'll see anyone under average height as a short-arse, just as much as the lanky freaks do.
    sure, i have wished to be bigger at some points in my life, but not to as great extents as with other wishes (such as trying to scrub off my freckles).

    and mostly, i've let other people's views/comments go over my head or have taken them in the same jestful manner.
    there was a point, though, when what people saw/see and how they then treated me invoked the realization of the full impact of their views:
    i attended an interview for a job, which was basically just a case of re-applying for the job from which i'd been made redundant a short time previously, and faced with a panel of interviewers (yeah, totally over the top for the nature of the business and work) i fended off question after question, from each interviewer. one bloke, though, kept going on about my size and how i thought i would cope.
    i didn't think much of it at the time, but on the long drive home the epiphanic water welled up and i saw the image as they see it. i had to fight the urge to go back and kick his head in and shit in his gob.

    and as i dwelled on it, it brought forth all the other times, all the other jobs i'd not gotten, all the funny looks when i gave my age, etc; yep, and even the times when i'd been told bluntly (and that includes the big german store who have a policy of not employing males under 5' 3", but i went for the interview, anyway . but, not to worry, cos some years later i snaffled several thousand pound's worth of their gear as compensation, which worked out nicely as per the standard three-month contract )
    phew, talk about despairing

    anyway, unless you want likening to a garden gnome or one of Santa's elves, don't grow a beard.

    apart from that, be yourself, don't pander to other people's views and expectations of you. doing so only makes you their slave.

  7. #7

    Default

    yeah a beard would look kind of ridiculous since I look too young for it anyways,

  8. #8

    Default

    I have the exact opposite problem (6'7" and female) so I stand out wherever I go. I am also attracted to guys who are taller than me, but there really aren't that many. lol
    On the bright side, being short does play well with the whole adult baby / sissy role, but I can see how it would be annoying in every day life.
    It's too bad we can't trade heights. I've come to terms with being a giant, but I would love to be on the shorter side.

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