Help me

I feel like my own flesh and blood family does not care about me but cares about everyone else and that they do not care about how I feel but I'm suppossed to care how they feel. I am the only one that is always on the back burner alone and feeling sorry for my self but nobody in my family is willing to work with me to fix this and then they say the world doesnt revolve aroud you but you have to revove around it as to say that I am selfish and heartless. I just wish that my family can be more accepting and not just walk all over me like dirt under the rug I'm not perfect but it feels like I have to be perfect and if I make one single mistake Im in a world of hurt but its ok for the rest of the family. Every time ther is a family event I always get left out its like you can come to the event but sit there and be quiet and you can eat but thats all you can do while every one else is having a good time this is not just my family but happens everywhere I go. I don't know what to do anymore

Wow Dragon, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I hope others can come up with a better idea then myself but here goes. Cut them off. I have had friends that have gone through this before and they got to a point where they were just sick of it and they cut ties with them and they felt a lot better. In some aspects, I've had to do this. It's a real shame when you can have this great image of what people are like when you're young and then you get older and see who they really are. I always thought my uncle G was a great guy and then I got older and realized that he was a racist homophobe. Unfortunately this has been the case for a lot of my family. One day I just said "screw it! You were there for some great times but I don't need you anymore." It hurt for a while but I eventually got over it and felt a lot better that a big weight of negativity was out of my life. Again I hope someone else cane come up with a better solution but that's all I got.

Takashi said:

Wow Dragon, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I hope others can come up with a better idea then myself but here goes. Cut them off. I have had friends that have gone through this before and they got to a point where they were just sick of it and they cut ties with them and they felt a lot better. In some aspects, I've had to do this. It's a real shame when you can have this great image of what people are like when you're young and then you get older and see who they really are. I always thought my uncle G was a great guy and then I got older and realized that he was a racist homophobe. Unfortunately this has been the case for a lot of my family. One day I just said "screw it! You were there for some great times but I don't need you anymore." It hurt for a while but I eventually got over it and felt a lot better that a big weight of negativity was out of my life. Again I hope someone else cane come up with a better solution but that's all I got.

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Thanks I Never thouhgt of cutting them off

I've been giving this some thought as well. It's hard to advise when we can't see the dynamics of your family or you when you are with your family. All I can do is think back to when I was much younger and either still living with my family, or visiting them. As I got into my later teens, it was a tenuous situation between myself and my family. In college I was in an exclusive gay relationship and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, waiting for my mom to ask why I was always with a guy instead of a girl. Things only got worse.

I graduated from college and moved and lived on my own and that seemed to change everything. I do remember gong to family gatherings and I really didn't say much because they were the "old" adults and I felt like I had little in common with them, so I'd bring a book to read or something else I could do. I listened to what they had to say but I didn't interject much. That changed when I got somewhat older, though by then, some of them had died.

Since your parents don't want you to talk at family gatherings, I'm guessing there must be some sort of reason. Have things become confrontational at past gatherings? Anyway, sometimes it's better to listen rather than add to whatever is going on. But like I said, I'm limited in my perception of all of this because I haven't been able to observe you with your family.

Marka said:

dragon123,

My apologies that it's taken sometime for us to get back to you...

In my estimation and, some of my experience too; Takashi, isn't far off for one possible solution.

I have family by blood-relation, marriage and, most of who are my friends for many years... While we can't choose who our family are (who we're born from); we can choose what family is... (who we live with)...

At your 26- years of age... I wouldn't completely make a judgment call against your biological family yet, I wouldn't consider it a safe-bet to continue unchanged either...

The bottom line to me is... you're going to have to find where you can grow and prosper as the person that you intrinsically are (or are becoming)... Without this place of nourishment and reprieve, you'll likely wilt and suffer for little more than an assumed principle... The common genetics aside, they are no more (or less) than any other... If, you do not or, cannot thrive amongst them... you may do much better to find others of your own ilk and likeness...

This family, that you have been raised from may look for you later, once you are strong... though, if you are never able to be strong... they will continue to look at you, still as they do now...

It will be up to you to choose to be there when they call... and they will call upon you, when you are strong... There's no judgment on you, to serve them when you are strong... though, there will be little more than judgment against you... while you remain in your current state...

I would recommend some sort of counseling, to better be able to find your very own personal path... or, simply follow your own personal path... it is your life to live; you are not beholden to any other than yourself...

Keep talking, we're listening,

For now,
-Marka

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The counseing idea is worth a try but the question is will they be willing to participate

dogboy said:

I've been giving this some thought as well. It's hard to advise when we can't see the dynamics of your family or you when you are with your family. All I can do is think back to when I was much younger and either still living with my family, or visiting them. As I got into my later teens, it was a tenuous situation between myself and my family. In college I was in an exclusive gay relationship and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, waiting for my mom to ask why I was always with a guy instead of a girl. Things only got worse.

I graduated from college and moved and lived on my own and that seemed to change everything. I do remember gong to family gatherings and I really didn't say much because they were the "old" adults and I felt like I had little in common with them, so I'd bring a book to read or something else I could do. I listened to what they had to say but I didn't interject much. That changed when I got somewhat older, though by then, some of them had died.

Since your parents don't want you to talk at family gatherings, I'm guessing there must be some sort of reason. Have things become confrontational at past gatherings? Anyway, sometimes it's better to listen rather than add to whatever is going on. But like I said, I'm limited in my perception of all of this because I haven't been able to observe you with your family.

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To answer your question its half and half both confrontational an unconfrontational for example Icould be sitting in the same room with everybody in my family and they are just having a blast wacthing the football game on tv and talking to one another about a random topic and if I try to join in they barricade me out but if I m just sitting there then there is no problem. I tried talking to to my family about how this makes me feel and they just tell me thats just how you perceieve it but its not whats really going on but I see it differently because all rhey really care about is their cars , electronic devices and how much money they have. Also they talk about people behind their backs. this is usually how it is at family events unless they want something from me then and only then can I have a peaceful day around family members.

Marka said:

Good question however, this isn't about them this is about you alone... Once we learn that sort of independence (we're always dependent somewhere)... we needn't rely on others health, to have our own... Better health...

I'm not concerning myself, to fix them, to better your life... I'm only concerned with empowering you to better health... you can figure out what to do after that... especially, as far as your biological family goes...

To iterate, they will come to you - once you become strong in yourself and, you no longer rely on their judgments, to be who you are... After that, it's up to you who, of the biological sort, that you choose to foster then...

The counseling would be for you alone, you alone must participate... if things could go more in a happy ideal... perhaps they'll participate... you can invite them yet, don't make it a contingency for your own well-being...

Start with you and see where it goes...

-Marka

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Ok I will give it a try

Starrunner said:

I had similar problems with my family, particularly when my father was alive. Even after I moved out of the family home, the visits afterwards just dragged me back to where I was. My father always competed with his own children, and me in particular. I always felt that no one cared about my opinion and there was never an opportunity to talk about things that were important to me.

I eventually came to the realization that my family and I were just on completely different pages. They didn't feel comfortable talking about the fact I was gay, or my relationships, or the fact that I worked for a place that helped low income people. It was all out their comfort zone so we never talked about things that were important to me. So I often sat there listening, smiling, nodding my head in agreement with things I really didn't care about, and I would leave with my self esteem totally crushed and stepped on. It took time to realize it wasn't a healthy environment and coming into contact with my family just destroyed my confidence. It took a lot of years of working on myself, and my father passing away, but I can at least handle the odd visit now and then.

If your family is causing you such emotional distress and sadness, I would recommend you limit your time with it at least until you can sort out these feelings. As I've come to learn: 'family' are the people who are close to you, the ones who support you and make you feel good about yourself, not the ones who tear you down and make you feel unwanted.

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I wish I coud just move out but I dont have the money to do that just yet and I am going to need transportion to work. I was thinking of getting a van like the plain white ones with no windows in the back and transforing it into a bug out van wit a fold up bed and counter tops with a sink and batter operated water pump one ten gallon water container for showers and another for drinking water and 4 solar pannels for my electric and storage bins for my food and a gas cooking burner and astand up shower and a tv mounted on the back door of the van before moving out so I have to pay rent and worry about how I am going to get to work also leave just enough room to store one motorcycle and enough room to move around if I can get this done then I can move out and not have to worry about anything but gas and insurance for my vehicles

Hi Dragon,

I don't know your full story so can only speak from experience. What ever you do don't rush to a decision. Take your time, and try to avoid spur of the moment decisions, don't burn any bridges until you are sure that's what you need to do.

For me, as much as I don't want to be am self reliant. Through the years I have felt the only one I can rely on is myself. I made mistakes, my family didn't like it, so aside from my Mom, brothers and sisters and one of my cousins I have felt it entirely necessary to cut everyone else from my life. For me it was easier than most... I do not need my family, they are almost a luxury, so long as they are negative people in my life they can stay. But for me, I don't have time, energy or simply put the ability to care enough to be bothered putting up with their shit.

My dad sometimes is good to have around, and when he's not I don't have him around. For me I found it helpful, only those who want to be positive and supportive of me have a place in my life, and I find people here know more of the true me, than most of my "Family"

I don't define blood as family, blood is blood. Family is those who are there with you through the good times, and there even more through the bad times. I have known Starrunner for just over a month know, he his more family to me than my blood relations.

But this may not apply to you. It is an option and there have been many good options in this thread, but I think working out what you want is the first step. If your parents are onboard, great, if there inbetween it's better than nothing, but if they aren't you need to decided whether you want or need them in your life. As I said take your time with this, don't make a snap decision that you may regret and if you don't have to burn bridges don't, but do what you need to do.

sisi said:

Hi Dragion123

Though you might enjoy this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ImiqaXBMkM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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Thank you sisi thats very kind of you :smile1:

Starrunner said:

It's always wise to have an escape plan in place if you feel you can't handle it anymore, however I would agree with Little man Alex that you should not make any rash decisions. The idea of living in a van, however, just sounds like one step away from homelessness to me and I'm not sure if it would really solve the problem. It sounds like your family is the big problem because you spend a lot of time with them, but you've also indicated that this happens wherever you go. So my concern is that you would not be leaving the problem behind but rather you would be moving into an uncomfortable living environment and simply taking the problem with you without having treated it. I don't know enough about the family dynamics or the interactions with associates and acquaintances, so it's hard to say how much of this is their treatment of you and your perception of that treatment. So I would certainly suggest you get an outside perspective, such as a counsellor before making a significant decision. If the situation is causing significant stress or depression, then you could consider calling a helpline or seeking treatment at a hospital.

https://www.adisc.org/forum/showthread.php/94110-Suicide-Prevention-Help-Lines

I really do see some options and possibilities here, but please, do take some action. You deserve a better quality of life where you can get support and acceptance. We're with you.

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It'smore along the lines of depression than anything

HOME > self test > complete

Your score is 18 out of 27

Your score is in the moderate range. It sounds like you're showing some of the signs of depression and would benefit from some professional help. Your doctor is a good place to start. Don't forget to talk about the way you feel and any of the symptoms you may be experiencing.

Your way through starts here

Your doctor can help, find out how before you visit

While you work with your doctor you can also learn some self-help techniques with JK in the Journal, our online programme.

I answered:

1 I have had little interest or pleasure in doing the things I usually enjoy. nearly every day

2 I have felt down, depressed or hopeless. nearly every day

3 I have had trouble falling or staying asleep, or I have been sleeping too much. nearly every day

4 I have felt tired or have had little energy. nearly every day

5 I have had a poor appetite or have been eating more than usual. not at all

6 I have felt bad about myself or felt like I am a failure or that I have let myself or my family down. nearly every day

7 I have had trouble concentrating on things, like reading the newspaper or watching TV. nearly every day

8 I have been moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed. Or the opposite I have been fidgety and moving around a lot more than usual. not at all

9 I have had thoughts that I would be better off dead or that I should hurt myself in some way. not at all

Mabe this will change when I move out and hopfully get a place of my own

Starrunner said:

Oh my friend, these answers are clearly signs of serious depression. I agree with the assessment of seeking professional help, starting with your doctor. I hope you will do this as soon as possible. There is no shame in seeking help and you obviously cannot continue going down this path. You need help. There is help available. Take it!

Also, keep in mind that depression often lies to us, and wants us to believe that the whole problem will all go away if we can just change one small detail in our lives, in your case, moving out and getting your own place. It's quite possible that your family is not beneficial to your mental health, but I am concerned moving away might only be a quick fix solution that won't address the real problem, nor will it treat the real illness, of which the family relationship may only be a symptom. Please get yourself to a doctor and get checked out before you start making decisions. Depression is a complex, albeit treatable illness, which cannot be treated without proper help. You had the courage to open up here and we know how difficult that can be. I hope you will continue the dialogue and speak to a professional IRL soon. Feel free to send me a PM anytime if you want to discuss it.

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I disagree. Those little tests say pretty much everybody is depressed, and, honestly, even the truthful answers are pretty normal. Welcome to being a working-class American!

Moving out will solve many of your family issues. At 26, you're pretty behind if you haven't already been out on your own. You've got a lot of catching up to do. I mean that in the nicest way.

Obviously, you'd be trading your problems for freedom and a new set of problems, but, again, welcome to the world.

I'd bet money that you family is frustrated with the situation, as well, and that the solution is getting you out, on your own and living your own life. Parents are alot less stressful and hateful people, in general, when both you and them see you as a stable, productive member of society.