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Thread: Help me

  1. #1

    Default Help me

    I feel like my own flesh and blood family does not care about me but cares about everyone else and that they do not care about how I feel but I'm suppossed to care how they feel. I am the only one that is always on the back burner alone and feeling sorry for my self but nobody in my family is willing to work with me to fix this and then they say the world doesnt revolve aroud you but you have to revove around it as to say that I am selfish and heartless. I just wish that my family can be more accepting and not just walk all over me like dirt under the rug I'm not perfect but it feels like I have to be perfect and if I make one single mistake Im in a world of hurt but its ok for the rest of the family. Every time ther is a family event I always get left out its like you can come to the event but sit there and be quiet and you can eat but thats all you can do while every one else is having a good time this is not just my family but happens everywhere I go. I don't know what to do anymore

  2. #2

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    Wow Dragon, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I hope others can come up with a better idea then myself but here goes. Cut them off. I have had friends that have gone through this before and they got to a point where they were just sick of it and they cut ties with them and they felt a lot better. In some aspects, I've had to do this. It's a real shame when you can have this great image of what people are like when you're young and then you get older and see who they really are. I always thought my uncle G was a great guy and then I got older and realized that he was a racist homophobe. Unfortunately this has been the case for a lot of my family. One day I just said "screw it! You were there for some great times but I don't need you anymore." It hurt for a while but I eventually got over it and felt a lot better that a big weight of negativity was out of my life. Again I hope someone else cane come up with a better solution but that's all I got.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Takashi View Post
    Wow Dragon, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I hope others can come up with a better idea then myself but here goes. Cut them off. I have had friends that have gone through this before and they got to a point where they were just sick of it and they cut ties with them and they felt a lot better. In some aspects, I've had to do this. It's a real shame when you can have this great image of what people are like when you're young and then you get older and see who they really are. I always thought my uncle G was a great guy and then I got older and realized that he was a racist homophobe. Unfortunately this has been the case for a lot of my family. One day I just said "screw it! You were there for some great times but I don't need you anymore." It hurt for a while but I eventually got over it and felt a lot better that a big weight of negativity was out of my life. Again I hope someone else cane come up with a better solution but that's all I got.
    Thanks I Never thouhgt of cutting them off

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by dragon123 View Post
    I feel like my own flesh and blood family does not care about me but cares about everyone else and that they do not care about how I feel but I'm suppossed to care how they feel. I am the only one that is always on the back burner alone and feeling sorry for my self but nobody in my family is willing to work with me to fix this and then they say the world doesnt revolve aroud you but you have to revove around it as to say that I am selfish and heartless. I just wish that my family can be more accepting and not just walk all over me like dirt under the rug I'm not perfect but it feels like I have to be perfect and if I make one single mistake Im in a world of hurt but its ok for the rest of the family. Every time ther is a family event I always get left out its like you can come to the event but sit there and be quiet and you can eat but thats all you can do while every one else is having a good time this is not just my family but happens everywhere I go. I don't know what to do anymore
    dragon123,

    My apologies that it's taken sometime for us to get back to you...

    In my estimation and, some of my experience too; Takashi, isn't far off for one possible solution.

    I have family by blood-relation, marriage and, most of who are my friends for many years... While we can't choose who our family are (who we're born from); we can choose what family is... (who we live with)...

    At your 26- years of age... I wouldn't completely make a judgment call against your biological family yet, I wouldn't consider it a safe-bet to continue unchanged either...

    The bottom line to me is... you're going to have to find where you can grow and prosper as the person that you intrinsically are (or are becoming)... Without this place of nourishment and reprieve, you'll likely wilt and suffer for little more than an assumed principle... The common genetics aside, they are no more (or less) than any other... If, you do not or, cannot thrive amongst them... you may do much better to find others of your own ilk and likeness...

    This family, that you have been raised from may look for you later, once you are strong... though, if you are never able to be strong... they will continue to look at you, still as they do now...

    It will be up to you to choose to be there when they call... and they will call upon you, when you are strong... There's no judgment on you, to serve them when you are strong... though, there will be little more than judgment against you... while you remain in your current state...

    I would recommend some sort of counseling, to better be able to find your very own personal path... or, simply follow your own personal path... it is your life to live; you are not beholden to any other than yourself...

    Keep talking, we're listening,

    For now,
    -Marka

  5. #5

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    I've been giving this some thought as well. It's hard to advise when we can't see the dynamics of your family or you when you are with your family. All I can do is think back to when I was much younger and either still living with my family, or visiting them. As I got into my later teens, it was a tenuous situation between myself and my family. In college I was in an exclusive gay relationship and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, waiting for my mom to ask why I was always with a guy instead of a girl. Things only got worse.

    I graduated from college and moved and lived on my own and that seemed to change everything. I do remember gong to family gatherings and I really didn't say much because they were the "old" adults and I felt like I had little in common with them, so I'd bring a book to read or something else I could do. I listened to what they had to say but I didn't interject much. That changed when I got somewhat older, though by then, some of them had died.

    Since your parents don't want you to talk at family gatherings, I'm guessing there must be some sort of reason. Have things become confrontational at past gatherings? Anyway, sometimes it's better to listen rather than add to whatever is going on. But like I said, I'm limited in my perception of all of this because I haven't been able to observe you with your family.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    dragon123,

    My apologies that it's taken sometime for us to get back to you...

    In my estimation and, some of my experience too; Takashi, isn't far off for one possible solution.

    I have family by blood-relation, marriage and, most of who are my friends for many years... While we can't choose who our family are (who we're born from); we can choose what family is... (who we live with)...

    At your 26- years of age... I wouldn't completely make a judgment call against your biological family yet, I wouldn't consider it a safe-bet to continue unchanged either...

    The bottom line to me is... you're going to have to find where you can grow and prosper as the person that you intrinsically are (or are becoming)... Without this place of nourishment and reprieve, you'll likely wilt and suffer for little more than an assumed principle... The common genetics aside, they are no more (or less) than any other... If, you do not or, cannot thrive amongst them... you may do much better to find others of your own ilk and likeness...

    This family, that you have been raised from may look for you later, once you are strong... though, if you are never able to be strong... they will continue to look at you, still as they do now...

    It will be up to you to choose to be there when they call... and they will call upon you, when you are strong... There's no judgment on you, to serve them when you are strong... though, there will be little more than judgment against you... while you remain in your current state...

    I would recommend some sort of counseling, to better be able to find your very own personal path... or, simply follow your own personal path... it is your life to live; you are not beholden to any other than yourself...

    Keep talking, we're listening,

    For now,
    -Marka
    The counseing idea is worth a try but the question is will they be willing to participate

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by dragon123 View Post
    The counseing idea is worth a try but the question is will they be willing to participate
    Good question however, this isn't about them this is about you alone... Once we learn that sort of independence (we're always dependent somewhere)... we needn't rely on others health, to have our own... Better health...

    I'm not concerning myself, to fix them, to better your life... I'm only concerned with empowering you to better health... you can figure out what to do after that... especially, as far as your biological family goes...

    To iterate, they will come to you - once you become strong in yourself and, you no longer rely on their judgments, to be who you are... After that, it's up to you who, of the biological sort, that you choose to foster then...

    The counseling would be for you alone, you alone must participate... if things could go more in a happy ideal... perhaps they'll participate... you can invite them yet, don't make it a contingency for your own well-being...

    Start with you and see where it goes...

    -Marka

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I've been giving this some thought as well. It's hard to advise when we can't see the dynamics of your family or you when you are with your family. All I can do is think back to when I was much younger and either still living with my family, or visiting them. As I got into my later teens, it was a tenuous situation between myself and my family. In college I was in an exclusive gay relationship and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, waiting for my mom to ask why I was always with a guy instead of a girl. Things only got worse.

    I graduated from college and moved and lived on my own and that seemed to change everything. I do remember gong to family gatherings and I really didn't say much because they were the "old" adults and I felt like I had little in common with them, so I'd bring a book to read or something else I could do. I listened to what they had to say but I didn't interject much. That changed when I got somewhat older, though by then, some of them had died.

    Since your parents don't want you to talk at family gatherings, I'm guessing there must be some sort of reason. Have things become confrontational at past gatherings? Anyway, sometimes it's better to listen rather than add to whatever is going on. But like I said, I'm limited in my perception of all of this because I haven't been able to observe you with your family.
    To answer your question its half and half both confrontational an unconfrontational for example Icould be sitting in the same room with everybody in my family and they are just having a blast wacthing the football game on tv and talking to one another about a random topic and if I try to join in they barricade me out but if I m just sitting there then there is no problem. I tried talking to to my family about how this makes me feel and they just tell me thats just how you perceieve it but its not whats really going on but I see it differently because all rhey really care about is their cars , electronic devices and how much money they have. Also they talk about people behind their backs. this is usually how it is at family events unless they want something from me then and only then can I have a peaceful day around family members.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    Good question however, this isn't about them this is about you alone... Once we learn that sort of independence (we're always dependent somewhere)... we needn't rely on others health, to have our own... Better health...

    I'm not concerning myself, to fix them, to better your life... I'm only concerned with empowering you to better health... you can figure out what to do after that... especially, as far as your biological family goes...

    To iterate, they will come to you - once you become strong in yourself and, you no longer rely on their judgments, to be who you are... After that, it's up to you who, of the biological sort, that you choose to foster then...

    The counseling would be for you alone, you alone must participate... if things could go more in a happy ideal... perhaps they'll participate... you can invite them yet, don't make it a contingency for your own well-being...

    Start with you and see where it goes...

    -Marka
    Ok I will give it a try

  10. #10

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    Hi Dragon.

    I know it hard when every one think they know best. It sucks. But we have Little power it a bit like puppy power. Or in other words self belief.

    You are a little in your own right. so if you had enough of sitting in the corner and being a good boy. Perhaps it's time for a little Dragon to stretch his wings and fly.

    You are more that you know and definitely more people see you to be.

    Hope this help you. I know it hard when it you own family to say this is me and this is what I am going to do. But once you done it a few times. They will start to listen to you and not just assume. it will be tough at first I remember the temper tantrum I had to go through with my family. But then it got a lot easier, as I am always asked now what I think and wont.

    Your freand

    Sisi


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