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Thread: It's not fair :(

  1. #1

    Unhappy It's not fair :(

    So, long story short, I'm having troubling coping with my sexuality...

    I am romantically attracted to girls but sexually attracted to guys and I tried to fight it by saying I'm bisexual, until tonight happened. I went on a date with a girl that I really liked that my brother's gf set me up with and we had a great time until we decided to fool around tonight. So I tried to get in the mood and we fooled around a little bit but she asked me at least 2-3 times if I had issues 'getting it up' while we were playing around because I, in all honesty, wasn't sexually interested. That messed with my head until I finally got up saying I needed to go on a walk and she said she would go with me. It was then that I opened up.

    So, probably one of the most awkward conversations happened to me when I explained to this girl that I really liked her but I wasn't actually attracted to her. She tried to tell me that it's totally fine, but it doesn't feel fine at all. I feel like I used her, and I told her how bad I felt because I really cared about her and now I really screwed that whole situation up because I just couldn't force myself into a fake relationship. Now I'm just really hurt and confused because I really wanted this relationship to work out and for me to be at least partially straight so I could at least have a chance at having a semi-normal family. But now I'm just facing reality that this isn't going to happen to me and I have to change my circumstances drastically to achieve a similar sort of happiness.

    I don't know what to do, and quite frankly I don't even know why I'm writing this. I just had to open up to somebody or something to sort of help cope with this fucking bullshit that I'm going through where I don't want to be gay but I am gay and I couldn't even force myself to be with a girl when I wanted to and I cared about her. This isn't fair, and I feel really bad right now.

    I'm sorry.

    I'm just really lost and upset...

  2. #2

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    Hey we are so very deferent sexually we all have our likes and dislikes.
    Just like some of us here would like to get rid of our diapers we don't want to wear diapers but were sexually attracted to them.
    Some of us are asexual we're not attracted to girls or guys we're all so different so don't get down on yourself.
    Plus for some the diapers fulfill the sexual aspect of the relationship and they're not sexual any other way but with diapers .
    I dont know if councling can help.
    All the best.

  3. #3

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    I wouldn't beat yourself up about your own sexuality. Sounds as if she took it pretty well, considering.

    What do you mean "semi-normal" family? I don't know your circumstances or where you live, but these days two guys are just as capable as having a steady family unit as a straight couple. If you're not romantically attracted to men, why not date effeminate males or trans women? Someone will come along who will tick all the boxes, just hang in there. Your profile says you're 22, so you shouldn't be in a hurry to settle down.

  4. #4

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    Yep. I know that feeling. I want to go out with girls but I'm just not sexually attracted to them which makes it hard to find the right one.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by foxkits View Post
    Hey we are so very deferent sexually we all have our likes and dislikes.
    Just like some of us here would like to get rid of our diapers we don't want to wear diapers but were sexually attracted to them.
    Some of us are asexual we're not attracted to girls or guys we're all so different so don't get down on yourself.
    Plus for some the diapers fulfill the sexual aspect of the relationship and they're not sexual any other way but with diapers .
    I dont know if councling can help.
    All the best.
    Thanks for the support. I don't think counseling will do a whole lot for me at this point. I'm over the worst of it now. I just really needed to get this whole situation off my chest. You're right that we all have our interests. I'm just having trouble accepting mine totally. I'll get there though. Thank you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MechanophilicFox View Post
    I wouldn't beat yourself up about your own sexuality. Sounds as if she took it pretty well, considering.

    What do you mean "semi-normal" family? I don't know your circumstances or where you live, but these days two guys are just as capable as having a steady family unit as a straight couple. If you're not romantically attracted to men, why not date effeminate males or trans women? Someone will come along who will tick all the boxes, just hang in there. Your profile says you're 22, so you shouldn't be in a hurry to settle down.
    You're right she is actually being really cool about the whole situation. When I said semi-normal it was more of me sort of lamenting at the fact that I really want to have kids of my own at some point in time and this was my wake-up call that the traditional family unit is not going to happen for me down the road. I'm not necessarily trying to start a family now, but I don't want a relationship where either my partner or I feel unhappy because we can't have sex and this was my trial to see if I could at least enjoy it every once in a while to keep the romance going for when I do start a family. That didn't happen, so it's time to switch gears on how I want to approach that whole situation.

    I know plenty of gay people have their own wonderful family units and I'm not opposed to that at all. But I was still hanging on to this notion that I could make a traditional family work as a bisexual guy after I'd tried different people out and found one to settle down with. I know I'm too young to need to worry about settling down, but that is the end goal, and I'm trying to find a direction to follow to get there. Obviously a new direction appeared, I just didn't want to go in this direction if I had options. But I am glad I figured this out now rather than later.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aidy View Post
    Yep. I know that feeling. I want to go out with girls but I'm just not sexually attracted to them which makes it hard to find the right one.
    That's interesting that you're still looking! Have you been able to fool around a bit successfully or are you hoping that you'll find a woman that can turn you on the right way? Or are you hoping to have a relationship without sex?

  6. #6

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    I'd worry less about the family thing. That shouldn't really matter right now. Otherwise you're just looking for a partner who is a means to an end, or running that risk. Just focus on love.

  7. #7

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    I think we all have our specific types. Sometimes there are girls who don't fall into that type, or guys, for that matter. Maybe she wasn't your type. On the other hand, you probably need to find a guy you find attractive or, the type to have some sort of sexual relationship with. Eventually you'll find yourself. We've talked about this before, and I'm much the same way. I like girls/women but I'm more turned on by males. At the same time, I don't want a relationship with a male. It's a complicated situation to be in. For me, I chose to share my life with a girl and it's been a good fit for me. You have to find that fit for you.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by MechanophilicFox View Post
    I'd worry less about the family thing. That shouldn't really matter right now. Otherwise you're just looking for a partner who is a means to an end, or running that risk. Just focus on love.
    You're definitely right but it's hard not to think about the rest of my life when looking for that love. Maybe I'm overthinking the whole situation too much and too often, but I consider true love to be something that would encompass a significant portion of ones life. Like a truly two way relationship where both lovers are able to not just have passion, but to be able to coexist really well also. So I'm always stuck thinking, "Would this person mesh well with my life? Am I comfortable with that person becoming a part of my life?" I'm not the type of person to look for flings (although if it happens then it happens) so to not go on dates with the expectation of finding a partner just seems short-sighted to me.

    I see what you mean by cautioning against looking for a means to an end, but we're all looking for a means to the end of loneliness in a roundabout way when we go out looking for love. Does that mean I shouldn't look for it at all and just take what comes my way? I would like to have that philosophy in the hopeful expectation that love will just sort of happen, but it scares me to think that if I wait too long then I may miss out on opportunities to find someone who might be 'the one'.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I think we all have our specific types. Sometimes there are girls who don't fall into that type, or guys, for that matter. Maybe she wasn't your type. On the other hand, you probably need to find a guy you find attractive or, the type to have some sort of sexual relationship with. Eventually you'll find yourself. We've talked about this before, and I'm much the same way. I like girls/women but I'm more turned on by males. At the same time, I don't want a relationship with a male. It's a complicated situation to be in. For me, I chose to share my life with a girl and it's been a good fit for me. You have to find that fit for you.
    Thank you for the kind words. I did think of our talks when this whole thing happened. The night after I had my fling, I ended up coming out to my brother and his girlfriend and he sort of mentioned that I didn't need to be exclusively gay if I didn't want to and I don't plan on swearing off women altogether. But I really liked this one and it was a harsh does of reality that even if I'm romantically attracted to someone, that doesn't mean I'm automatically sexually attracted to them. You may be right, maybe she just wasn't my type in the sexual sense. Or maybe I was just too drunk and nervous about the whole thing and mentally blocked myself from being able to do anything. I'll definitely keep my options open and see what happens, but you're right, it is one hell of a complicated situation to be in.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    I see what you mean by cautioning against looking for a means to an end, but we're all looking for a means to the end of loneliness in a roundabout way when we go out looking for love. Does that mean I shouldn't look for it at all and just take what comes my way? I would like to have that philosophy in the hopeful expectation that love will just sort of happen, but it scares me to think that if I wait too long then I may miss out on opportunities to find someone who might be 'the one'.
    There isn't an easy answer to this question. You have to figure it out with each person. Some people are okay with having fine, others want to pursue a relationship only if there's a possibility that it could lead to a family. Some want sex, others want companionship or emotional support. All you can do is to be honest with the people you're dating and to try and figure things out along with them. If things aren't right between you, that's okay. And you might just be surprised by what other people want and are willing to accept.

    Also, with regard to a family, remember that there are a lot of ways to do it these days. If you end up with another guy because of your sexual attraction, you can both adopt a child, or you may be able to find an egg donor who will carry a child and have a baby with your sperm.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    There isn't an easy answer to this question. You have to figure it out with each person. Some people are okay with having fine, others want to pursue a relationship only if there's a possibility that it could lead to a family. Some want sex, others want companionship or emotional support. All you can do is to be honest with the people you're dating and to try and figure things out along with them. If things aren't right between you, that's okay. And you might just be surprised by what other people want and are willing to accept.

    Also, with regard to a family, remember that there are a lot of ways to do it these days. If you end up with another guy because of your sexual attraction, you can both adopt a child, or you may be able to find an egg donor who will carry a child and have a baby with your sperm.
    I think you're definitely right. I'm probably putting too many expectations out there before beginning. I'm just so anxious to figure out who I am as a person that when I have internal conflict like this it breaks me down fairly quickly. I just sort of wish I would know whether I'm exclusively gay or straight because it would make this an easier transition.

    As for the family thing, a lot of my stress comes from all the things I'm learning in my child development classes which talk about the importance of a relationship between a mother and child and the growth that comes from breast feeding and just generally being a part of the entire process from the beginning. I'm worried that if I have a surrogate birth my child, it might be lacking some essential component to its well-being that I might not be able to provide on my own. Or if I adopt, that I'm missing out on some huge parts of the child's early life and growth that I want to be a part of. I know there are lots of success stories of gay parents raising happy and well-off children and I'm not completely opposed to the idea, but I'm still really worried. Whatever children I end up having, I want them to be as happy and healthy as possible.

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