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Thread: Regularly Fantasizing about Suicide

  1. #1

    Default Regularly Fantasizing about Suicide

    Fair warning, this post is really depressing so proceed with caution.

    Things aren't going great for a number of reasons I'd rather not get into. Over the last year and a half or so I've developed a bad habit of fantasizing about committing suicide on a semi-regular basis as a form of comforting myself whenever things seem completely hopeless. It doesn't have to be for any huge reason either, that's the sad part. I'm constantly fighting to not fall into that deep depressive state that seems to lurk under the surface. Whenever I seriously fail at something, or I feel hated by my friends, or something bad happens that I know I can't fix, I fall back into this awful depressed state. Sometimes nothing has to happen at all for me to start feeling like this. Just out of the blue, I'll start feeling like I'm useless, my life is pointless, I'd be better off if I just stopped living. I just sit back and imagine putting a gun to my head and how it would be like flicking off a switch and just like that, it would finally be over. When I'm driving I'll think just how easy it would be to veer off the road and end it. I hate feeling this way but I don't know how to make it stop. I know, I have so much to live for and what not, but if the bad outweighs the good by such a huge margin, is it really worth it? I don't enjoy wanting to die. It just brings me comfort to think that that's always an option if my life becomes unfixable.

    I've never made a plan before, and I don't think I could actually do anything as I've always been a total wimp but I seriously scare myself when I get like this and I'm really glad my dad doesn't own a gun. The one thing that's stopped these fantasies from becoming a real possibility is the devastating effect it would have on my family. Maybe I'm just exaggerating and being a whiney overemotional teenager, or maybe this is serious. Maybe both. Sorry this probably sounds really incoherent and I'm still not doing a great job of explaining how I feel/why I feel this way. There's more to all this than I could possibly cover in one post. Can anyone relate to this in the slightest? I just had to get this out somewhere. Anything anyone has to say would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by theQman View Post
    Fair warning, this post is really depressing so proceed with caution.

    Things aren't going great for a number of reasons I'd rather not get into. Over the last year and a half or so I've developed a bad habit of fantasizing about committing suicide on a semi-regular basis as a form of comforting myself whenever things seem completely hopeless. It doesn't have to be for any huge reason either, that's the sad part. I'm constantly fighting to not fall into that deep depressive state that seems to lurk under the surface. Whenever I seriously fail at something, or I feel hated by my friends, or something bad happens that I know I can't fix, I fall back into this awful depressed state. Sometimes nothing has to happen at all for me to start feeling like this. Just out of the blue, I'll start feeling like I'm useless, my life is pointless, I'd be better off if I just stopped living. I just sit back and imagine putting a gun to my head and how it would be like flicking off a switch and just like that, it would finally be over. When I'm driving I'll think just how easy it would be to veer off the road and end it. I hate feeling this way but I don't know how to make it stop. I know, I have so much to live for and what not, but if the bad outweighs the good by such a huge margin, is it really worth it? I don't enjoy wanting to die. It just brings me comfort to think that that's always an option if my life becomes unfixable.

    I've never made a plan before, and I don't think I could actually do anything as I've always been a total wimp but I seriously scare myself when I get like this and I'm really glad my dad doesn't own a gun. The one thing that's stopped these fantasies from becoming a real possibility is the devastating effect it would have on my family. Maybe I'm just exaggerating and being a whiney overemotional teenager, or maybe this is serious. Maybe both. Sorry this probably sounds really incoherent and I'm still not doing a great job of explaining how I feel/why I feel this way. There's more to all this than I could possibly cover in one post. Can anyone relate to this in the slightest? I just had to get this out somewhere. Anything anyone has to say would be greatly appreciated.
    Thank you for sharing this with us.

    This is actually one of the first steps to gaining control to the thought.

    Just an FYI. I have been there three times in my life, and being able to say "this is not good" is the most important part.

    So the big questions.

    Have you ever talked to a professional about these feelings?

    Do you have a "good" support network for when you feel this way?

    Do you have the help hotlines listed some where that you can get to if the need comes up?

    As for the first question. That was the biggest thing that I always relied upon.

    The first time I was very grateful that there was a hotline/network poster at work that I just happened to be looking at after a real bad night and then it all hit again about halfway through the work day. I was able to just pick up the phone and call the number. I talked to the boss and left work, one hour later I was in talking to a councilor and that was the start to a long journey to be able to cope with those feelings.

    The second time It was harder, but I did finally get someone to listen to me and got help. I was in Jail (long Story and the arresting cop is the worst trigger to that time), and I finally got someone's attention that I was having an issue, and talked to a councilor. Unfortunately I was striped of my cloths and given the "OH SO Comfortable" suicide prevention gown and the A**** in the tank with me where a real big help to.

    The third time I was taken to a hospital and got a councilor to talk to me and found out I was actually having a medicine reaction and it took a slight adjustment and then things leveled off.

    So talking to a professional is vey important to deal with these thoughts. Basically the thoughts in and of them self have a lot of information for some one who understands it. Plus that also give a base point to work from with the professional.

    Also when those thoughts go away it is a reference point for the correct medications.

    As for the second question. A good network of support is so important.

    I have a handful of friends that I can talk to when I am having issues. I know that what I say will not go from there and they have been in the same position and can give a clear perspective. These are the "true" friend s that will pat me on the back and empathize, but they will also kick me in the butt and say what are you doing. They are the ones that I will listen to when they say that.
    One major note is that I did not mention Family. Basically (at least in my case) they are the cause half the time.

    The last question is one I have used but not that often. IT is when I have been out of counseling for several months that I need it. I have done a lot better the last couple of times, because I can now recognize when things are building up and I have my action plan that is about three steps before major issues I call the therapist for a tune-up meeting. I just recently started up in group again because I could see where things were going and just the simple weekly check in and refresher of the coping skills is all I need to get back on track.

    So I have been rambling but I also just want you to know I have "been there, done that, and have the action plan" to deal with it. It is nice to say I have not had "those" thoughts for about 6 years and I do not want to go back there.

    I hope this helps.

    Egor

  3. #3

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    Please take a look at the following link:
    https://www.adisc.org/forum/showthre...ion-Help-Lines

    That link goes to the top article in the About ADISC section and lists suicide prevention help lines. Starrunner wrote the article very well for us. We needed it to help many of our current and future members. Yes, there are others who can relate and have something to say.

    I personally have dealt with depression and similar thoughts. While dealing with physical pain, I have thought about methods to make the pain stop. That is one step below developing an action plan. Going from plan to completion may not take long. It scared me to be thinking such thoughts and I sought professional help.

    I have two thought trains on suicide. The first is that it is a serious topic that must be seriously handled. This is not a joking matter and having these thoughts is not healthy. Reading your post was horrible for me. Thank you for posting. Now, please seek ways to improve your thoughts and fantasies. Habitually thinking about suicide is depressing. My life is worth living because I woke up; my pain levels do not change that fact! The only thing pain changes is what I accomplish that day.

    My other thought train on suicide is hating it when people repeatedly use suicide as a threat or manipulation to get their way. That is the only time when I see it as being "exaggerated" or "over emotional". It bothers me to see to see such a serious topic used to control others. A few weeks ago, a person tried to make me feel bad by threatening suicide. This is a legitimate problem. The more serious problem is someone thinking about suicide as a way out of their problems. If someone thinks you are exaggerating or being overly emotional, find someone else to help you.


    There is a better way to live. You can have better fantasies. Please find it.

  4. #4

  5. #5

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    Hello, theQman,

    I'm really glad you opened up to share these thoughts with us. What you are going through can be very terrifying and I would suggest that you reach out to someone as soon as possible, whether it be a friend, neighbour, relative or professional. These feelings can be hard to talk about but I'm sure you'd be surprised how much people would care and would want to help if they only knew. It sounds like these thoughts have also been with you for a long period of time. Sometimes depression can be caused by physiological problems in your body,, such as a chemical imbalance, and it can be treated by a doctor. However, just the fact that you feel this way so often would seem to mean it would be advisable to see a professional as soon as possible.

    Thoughts of suicide can feel like swimming in deep, rough waters when you're not a very good swimmer. You keep struggling to stay afloat and sometimes it just feels easier to let go. I understand those feelings. I attempted suicide when I was sixteen and have lived, on and off, with depression throughout my life. I've learned that it's important to recognize that the pain is there and not to deny how it feels. What matters is how you take care of that pain. The first thing is to ensure that you are taking care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and take care of your wants and needs. Often when we get depressed we lose our appetites, we don't sleep, and in general, we don't allow ourselves to feel pleasure since it would interfere with the pain. My approach has been to do the opposite even when it's difficult. Just do the little things that normally make you happy, like eating a ton of ice cream, or in your case, playing guitar or video games (saw that in your profile). I was pretty depressed last week and then found the tenth season of Supernatural on DVD and picked it up and I'm loving it. Sometimes it's just those little things in life that can help pick us up if we will allow it.

    There are also some encouraging statements in your post. You stated that you don't have a plan, which is important because a plan would put you in the highest risk group of potential suicides. So focus on what is keeping you alive. You mentioned that you wouldn't want to see the devastation it would cause your family. Obviously they are important to you, as you are to them. I believe that all of us has a purpose in life, and if being part of this family and contributing to its wellbeing is helping to keep you alive, then focus on that. At the same time, a family is a reciprocal relationship and I'm sure your family would do anything to help you through these feelings. Please talk to them.

    I attempted suicide more than forty years ago. I'm still here and still kicking. And I'm glad that I am, and I feel that I've been able to contribute to the world in positive ways. Believe it or not, these thoughts don't last forever. With the right support and information on how to deal with these feelings, I believe you will do fine in this world. I'm rooting for you.

    With love and concern,
    Rob
    Last edited by Starrunner; 15-Sep-2015 at 16:08.

  6. #6

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    Caveat: Pay more attention to the experts on this than you do to me, and we have some people here who seem knowledgeable.

    That said, I think it crosses virtually everyone's mind now and then in difficult circumstances, or even out of boredom. Not all that unusual. Getting older, I've naturally considered what I might do in case of terminal disease among other things.

    The busier you are, the less likely you are to think about it "I can't possibly off myself today, I've got way too much to do". Starrunner has some excellent points about doing things that make you happy. "Can't possibly do it 'til I finish Game of Thrones"

    If I were considering it today (I'm not), my answer to myself would be "Can't possibly do it now. Have to ride my bike to Junior's to let his dog out, otherwise she'll be stuck in her crate for more than 12 hours". After 30 miles or so on the bike, and another 5 or 6 on foot with the dog, I know that endorphins will have the world looking like a much better place.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starrunner View Post
    in general, we don't allow ourselves to feel pleasure since it would interfere with the pain.
    This is the part that's always confused me. I want to feel better but at the same time, I really don't. I have no desire to do anything that would potentially make me feel better. When I get into this frame of mind, everything that I love makes me sick. I revert to these thoughts because it's the only thing that makes me feel better... as sick as that sounds, I actually do find them comforting as they're the only thoughts that match my frame of mind. I don't understand the psychology behind that, but I find it interesting.

    I'll note that I'm feeling much better today after going to school and focusing my mind on other, more practical things. That's usually how it works. I have this cycle of where I just completely snap once every month or two. The snap can last anywhere from a couple hours to a week, but I can always feel it coming on and there's not much I can do to stop it. Unfortunately after some thought I realized I wasn't honest about not having a plan. In the midst of it all last night I thought about trying to bribe my friend into letting me borrow his gun for $1000 no questions asked. This is what scared me the most about the whole thing, and even though I'm feeling more level headed, I know I need help before the next one of these hits. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me as well, I'm so glad you're still here today. Thank you.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by egor View Post
    So the big questions.

    Have you ever talked to a professional about these feelings?

    Do you have a "good" support network for when you feel this way?

    Do you have the help hotlines listed some where that you can get to if the need comes up?
    As for the first question, no I haven't. I seriously need to get over my fear of opening up to someone about all this. For the second question, also no. My friends aren't the most understanding types and regularly make fun of "emo fags" and whatnot, so they're out of the question. I'm also very uncomfortable talking to my parents about this as I hate scaring them like that. If necessary I could just look up the number of any given hotline, but it would have to get reeeally bad for me to do that. I essentially have to overhaul my life and my way of thinking.

    It sounds like you've been through a lot as well. You're a lucky guy to have a good support network, and yes it helped very much. Thank you. Thanks so much to everyone who replied and told their stories. Sorry I'm not getting back to all of you but I'm exhausted, it's been a long day.

  8. #8

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    You've gotten great feedback so I can only add a little. A few years ago I was working three jobs, two part time and one full time. At the same time I was working diligently, trying to save my diabetic wife's foot, doing wound care. I wasn't getting adequate sleep. In fact, I was exhausted and strange things were happening with my mind. There were times, usually when I was driving to my nighttime job, that I could actually sense the presence of heaven and those who were waiting for me. I had to drive across a large bridge and there were many times I thought very seriously about driving off. I was in this euphoric state of peace. I didn't usually feel that way when I got more sleep, so getting proper and adequate sleep is very important. Sometimes when we are depressed, we don't sleep and the cycle continues and gets worse.

    The other thing is that if it continues like this or worse, gets worse, you must tell your parents and get some help. They would much rather be alarmed, but at the same time, do something positive about it than be at your funeral, or even, seeing you unhappy all the time. I had a psychotic break my senior year in college and my mom made the appointment with the psychiatrist. He gave me his home phone number should I feel like hurting myself, because at the time, I had attempted twice.

    You're too nice a guy to be hurting like this, so please try to get some professional help. And don't ever buy a gun. It makes it all too easy, and one bad night passes, often into a much better day. It would be horrible not to let time heal the wounds that hurt at three in the morning.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by theQman View Post
    This is the part that's always confused me. I want to feel better but at the same time, I really don't. I have no desire to do anything that would potentially make me feel better. When I get into this frame of mind, everything that I love makes me sick. I revert to these thoughts because it's the only thing that makes me feel better... as sick as that sounds, I actually do find them comforting as they're the only thoughts that match my frame of mind. I don't understand the psychology behind that, but I find it interesting.

    I'll note that I'm feeling much better today after going to school and focusing my mind on other, more practical things. That's usually how it works. I have this cycle of where I just completely snap once every month or two. The snap can last anywhere from a couple hours to a week, but I can always feel it coming on and there's not much I can do to stop it. Unfortunately after some thought I realized I wasn't honest about not having a plan. In the midst of it all last night I thought about trying to bribe my friend into letting me borrow his gun for $1000 no questions asked. This is what scared me the most about the whole thing, and even though I'm feeling more level headed, I know I need help before the next one of these hits. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me as well, I'm so glad you're still here today. Thank you.

    - - - Updated - - -

    As for the first question, no I haven't. I seriously need to get over my fear of opening up to someone about all this. For the second question, also no. My friends aren't the most understanding types and regularly make fun of "emo fags" and whatnot, so they're out of the question. I'm also very uncomfortable talking to my parents about this as I hate scaring them like that. If necessary I could just look up the number of any given hotline, but it would have to get reeeally bad for me to do that. I essentially have to overhaul my life and my way of thinking.

    It sounds like you've been through a lot as well. You're a lucky guy to have a good support network, and yes it helped very much. Thank you. Thanks so much to everyone who replied and told their stories. Sorry I'm not getting back to all of you but I'm exhausted, it's been a long day.
    Hi, Qman,

    I'm glad to hear you're feeling better and I hope things stay that way.

    I'm very, very worried about the information you've given. The fact that you were thinking of finding a specific means to carry out the act of suicide is troubling and, as I think you know, it is a clear sign you need help. You've also identified another significant risk factor; the loss of pleasure in the things that normally bring you happiness.

    First of all, DON'T wait until you are feeling depressed again before you decide to do something about it. You can't just wait for it to happen again, because when you're feeling that way, you are not motivated to get help or do anything about it except fall further into depression. It is during the periods when you are feeling 'up' that you need to plan for the periods when you are 'down.' If you are feeling better now, you need to commit to taking action and following through with it.

    I noticed in your first post that things haven't been going well for the 'last year and a half for a number of reasons.' You at least appear to have some insight into what is causing you to feel this way. Identifying the cause of the depression would seem to make it easier to treat, or to develop coping strategies.

    It's never easy to open up to people and talk about depression and suicide. You don't want to burden your family, you're friends wouldn't understand so it's out of the question. I get that, however, I'd still have to challenge those statements. Your family would want to do everything possible to help you through this, as any parent would want to help their child. Don't underestimate the love they have for you or how much they can do for you. You said that one of the things that prevented you from killing yourself was the devastation it would cause them. Imagine if they lost you and never even had the chance to try and help you. Give them the chance. I strongly urge you to talk to them as soon as possible. I'm also curious about this 'number of reasons why things haven't been going great for the last year and a half.' You don't have to elaborate on this if you don't want to, but if there are things going on that you can't open up to us or anyone close to you, then I strongly encourage some counselling so you can discuss all these matters in private with a non judgemental professional. Also, if you really don't feel your friends would be understanding or helpful, then you're either not giving them enough credit, or... well, you need better friends.

    As I've stated previously, depression and thoughts of suicide can be symptoms of a clinical illness. The fact that this has been going on for so long is a sign it's not getting any better and that you can't do this on your own. We all need help in our lives from time to time. I really think it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about this. If there are physiological reasons contributing to your depression, then it can be treated. If not, then you can at least rule it out and focus on the other things going on in your life.

    Also, if you reach the stage when you are thinking of calling a friend to pay $1,000 to borrow a gun, well, I hope your friend would have more sense than to blindly go along with such a request. My advice for you if you ever feel this way again, then don't call your friend, call your local hospital instead and get yourself into the emergency department there. Your life is too valuable to consider taking such dangerous chances.

    You said yourself "I know I need help before the next one of these hits." Yes... now please commit to getting the help. We care about you and we want to see you healthy and alive, and with us for a long time to come.

  10. #10

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    I can't say I've exactly "fantasised" or considered committing suicide myself, but I have wondered how I haven't considered it considering how tough life can feel at times. In one of my psychology classes, depression was referred to as the "common cold" of mental health. While most people may experience it to different extents, many, if not most people have their own experiences in dealing with depression. I think the quote from the Queen song Bohemian Rhapsody sums up my feelings when I'm feeling extremely down.

    "I don't wanna die, (but) sometimes I wish I've never been born at all..."

    Good advice has been brought up on this thread - seek professional assistance and call some hotlines, essentially create a support network you can go to for, well...support. Remember, there's also NO coming back from a successful suicide attempt, that's it. Having a significant life goal to work towards is helpful (or at least it helps me). I love music and would love to be a professional musician (or at least release songs people from around the world can appreciate). I'm not saying I live and breathe music, spending every spare second perfecting my craft. But if I'm starting to question whether whatever it is I'm working towards is worth it, I remember that I got my whole life to try to become a professional musician (among other things).
    Last edited by TheCaptain; 16-Sep-2015 at 22:22. Reason: Grammar and content addition

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