Spouse of DL

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LBeckett745

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Hello everyone, I am interested in learning more about AB/DL so if anyone has advice or links to helpful information I would really appreciate it. And bear with me because I've never heard of this before and am still trying to understand it.

I got married a few months ago to a wonderful man, "E". We are very happy together, we have disagreements like any normal couple, but nothing major. Anyway, the other day I was cleaning out our closet, when I discovered a large stash of diapers..all different kinds. Some were plain white, others had little cutesy animals on them which really freaked me out. And they were large, made for an adult and not a child. I have never seen my husband wear them before so I knew they weren't for a medical reason. I really started to worry it meant he was a pedophile or something. I started looking around on google and that is how I discovered it's a fetish called diaper lover. Every website I found was adamant it had nothing to do with children, except for one Yahoo answer post which said her DL husband said the same thing, but then she caught him looking and pictures and videos of diapered babies online so now I'm unsure...

For a few days I had trouble looking at him, he knew something was wrong but I told him I was just stressed out from work and not to worry about me. Finally one night I got the courage to ask him about it. He was mortified. He even started crying, he was so embarrassed. I told him how much I loved him and that I just wanted to understand this side of him that he never told me about.

He didn't tell me much, I think because he is still so ashamed. He said he hates himself for this fetish, and he's tried to get rid of it but can't. He said he isn't interested in the AB lifestyle but just likes the diapers. He didn't go into detail about what exactly likes about them. My assumption is that maybe he goes to the bathroom in them? Masturbates in them? I really don't know. I don't know how he's hid it from me this long (we dated for 2 years before he proposed, but we didn't move in together until after we were married). I'm very hurt that he kept this secret from me, but I think I understand why because he is so embarrassed about it and wasn't sure how I would take it.

I love him and accept that this is a part of him. But I don't feel comfortable participating. At the same time, I know he can't control this because of the nature of fetishes, and i don't want him to feel like he has to be ashamed or hide who he is. I am very conflicted. We have a wonderful sex life already, experimenting with some bondage (another fetish of his, not mine, but I do enjoy it) and I think this would be a turn-off for me. I don't want to see him as a child. I want him to be a man that takes care of me (and he does, I'm just worried this will change my perception). And I fear when we have a baby someday, that he will become aroused when changing its diaper.

I think a large part of my anxiety is because he won't really talk to me about it, and I don't understand it, but I want to. Can somebody please help set me straight? I love E so much and I don't want this to come between us.

Help!

-L
 
Hey, L.

I hid my DL side from my wife for several years, and it was awful. I hated my DL side, and I hated myself, and I got to the point where I wanted to end my life because of how awful it was. I decided I'd rather be dead than tell her, and that by killing myself I would be doing her a favor because she deserved better than me. At that low point, I decided to get help, but still didn't tell my wife or the doc about the DL. He thought I had manic depression and gave me medicine. The medicine didn't work, and we made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. Then night before we went to the psychiatrist I broke down and told my wife about my DL side. I knew I wouldn't be able to get the help I needed unless I was honest with the doctor, and I needed to be honest with her first.

Let me also say that I married "up". After I met my wife, I remember wishing I could find somebody kind of like that to date and marry. I knew she was out of my league, so my best hope was to find somebody who had some of her traits. Telling this person that I respected and loved with all my soul about my DL side was, bar none, the hardest thing I've done, and in the end, I only did it because for me it was either stop living, or tell her about it.

I share this to tell you that I sympathize with your husband. If I can extrapolate from my own experience, his not telling you is not because he doesn't love you, or because he loves the diapers more than you, or because he wanted to keep it a secret from you -- at least that wasn't me, when I was in his shoes. I was afraid of losing the best part of my life, my wife. I was so certain that she wouldn't love me, that she would reject me, and that she would condemn me. Looking back on it with five or six year's distance, I can tell you that I underestimated her, and I underestimated her love for me. But what I felt was real, and it was painful, and it was terrifying.

Now, let me say that "E" is the man you knew and loved before you found out about his DL side. Everything you love about him is still part of him. He is not his obsession. He has a side of him that is, to put it mildly, different. My wife still thinks that my DL is weird. She doesn't get it. I don't ever expect her to understand what happens internally to me that makes me DL. It just isn't in her wiring. But she is okay with that, because she loves and accepts me. All of me. All my perfect imperfections, to quote John Legend.

We don't include DL in our sex life. It isn't a turn on for her, and she isn't interested in including it. Every DL is unique, but for me I wear a diaper almost every night and I wear a diaper often during the day. If I'm wearing a diaper when she is interested in being intimate, she takes it off like she would take off other clothing. If I've been wet, I go take a quick shower.

In terms of masturbation in the diaper, that is pretty common for DLs. There is usually a sexual component for a DL (as opposed to many ABs for whom there may or may not be a sexual component), but it is to the diaper itself. It has nothing to do with children. For me, the diaper is a comfort object. It helps reduce my stress and anxiety. I can't explain why, but it has been for as long as I remember. (My first memory is of being 4 years old and putting on a diaper, so it has been there my whole life.)

I recognize that this is strange and new to you. My wife and I are working through the challenges and are getting to a comfortable place. It is a journey you and E get to do together to find a balance that works for both of you.

Let me now address another item you brought up: having kids. I have five kids. My oldest is not quite 9 and my youngest is just over a year. We've been dealing with kids' diapers now for nine years straight. I can't speak for others, but I can definitively speak for myself: the kids diapers don't do anything for me. I am not aroused in any way. If anything changing the kids diaper is a turn off. So, it does not necessarily follow (and from those I've met, I'd say it is actually quite unlikely) that changing a baby diaper will have any effect on your husband.

What advice do I have for you? First, talk to him. Tell him what you told us: that you love him and that you accept this part of him. Right now he is likely feeling exceptionally vulnerable. You will probably have to tell him this several times over a long period of time to help him believe that he is worth your love. So keep telling him.

If you have concerns or questions, please be honest about them and bring them up so you can talk about them. This will show him that you (1) really are accepting and (2) that you are being honest about your feelings. This makes the sincere love you are expressing in the first step more believable, and will allow you to open up an avenue of dialog about the subject.

Talk about what you are comfortable with and what you are uncomfortable with. My wife knows that part of what helps with the anxiety is masturbating or urinating in the diaper. We've talked about it, and she is okay with it because she understands that it is something that is helping me deal with my anxiety and problems. We have discussed that it is important to both of us that I don't use the diaper as my primary sexual outlet, so she said that as long as we are making time to be intimate and building our relationship together she is okay with the masturbation part. I don't masturbate in front of her. In short, we have discussed the terms that we are okay with and we make it work in a way that addresses her concerns as well as meeting my innate needs.

Finally, if you sense any mental health issues, don't be afraid to address them, even though they are a totally separate, though possibly related issue. My depression and anxiety are real issues I still deal with on a daily basis. I am taking medicine to help with those issues. They were exacerbated by the DL side of me, but resolving them has not cured me. I am coming to realize that I will always have a DL side, and I can't believe I've found somebody who will take me as I come and will love all of me.

The last thing I'll say for now is that this group, ADISC, can be a great group for both of you. This is a support group with a bunch of people in a similar situation. Let us help you and your husband. I'm pretty new here, but I joined because I wanted to be able to get that kind of help from people who understand me and understand that while I didn't pick my issues, I'm still a good person regardless of those issues, and that those issues are part of what has made me who I am today. So welcome to the community. Invite your husband to join us as well. We can work through this together!
 
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ornitorrinco said:
Hey, L.

I hid my DL side from my wife for several years, and it was awful. I hated my DL side, and I hated myself, and I got to the point where I wanted to end my life because of how awful it was. I decided I'd rather be dead than tell her, and that by killing myself I would be doing her a favor because she deserved better than me. At that low point, I decided to get help, but still didn't tell my wife or the doc about the DL. He thought I had manic depression and gave me medicine. The medicine didn't work, and we made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. Then night before we went to the psychiatrist I broke down and told my wife about my DL side. I knew I wouldn't be able to get the help I needed unless I was honest with the doctor, and I needed to be honest with her first.

Let me also say that I married "up". After I met my wife, I remember wishing I could find somebody kind of like that to date and marry. I knew she was out of my league, so my best hope was to find somebody who had some of her traits. Telling this person that I respected and loved with all my soul about my DL side was, bar none, the hardest thing I've done, and in the end, I only did it because for me it was either stop living, or tell her about it.

I share this to tell you that I sympathize with your husband. If I can extrapolate from my own experience, his not telling you is not because he doesn't love you, or because he loves the diapers more than you, or because he wanted to keep it a secret from you -- at least that wasn't me, when I was in his shoes. I was afraid of losing the best part of my life, my wife. I was so certain that she wouldn't love me, that she would reject me, and that she would condemn me. Looking back on it with five or six year's distance, I can tell you that I underestimated her, and I underestimated her love for me. But what I felt was real, and it was painful, and it was terrifying.

Now, let me say that "E" is the man you knew and loved before you found out about his DL side. Everything you love about him is still part of him. He is not his obsession. He has a side of him that is, to put it mildly, different. My wife still thinks that my DL is weird. She doesn't get it. I don't ever expect her to understand what happens internally to me that makes me DL. It just isn't in her wiring. But she is okay with that, because she loves and accepts me. All of me. All my perfect imperfections, to quote John Legend.

We don't include DL in our sex life. It isn't a turn on for her, and she isn't interested in including it. Every DL is unique, but for me I wear a diaper almost every night and I wear a diaper often during the day. If I'm wearing a diaper when she is interested in being intimate, she takes it off like she would take off other clothing. If I've been wet, I go take a quick shower.

In terms of masturbation in the diaper, that is pretty common for DLs. There is usually a sexual component for a DL (as opposed to many ABs for whom there may or may not be a sexual component), but it is to the diaper itself. It has nothing to do with children. For me, the diaper is a comfort object. It helps reduce my stress and anxiety. I can't explain why, but it has been for as long as I remember. (My first memory is of being 4 years old and putting on a diaper, so it has been there my whole life.)

I recognize that this is strange and new to you. My wife and I are working through the challenges and are getting to a comfortable place. It is a journey you and E get to do together to find a balance that works for both of you.

Let me now address another item you brought up: having kids. I have five kids. My oldest is not quite 9 and my youngest is just over a year. We've been dealing with kids' diapers now for nine years straight. I can't speak for others, but I can definitively speak for myself: the kids diapers don't do anything for me. I am not aroused in any way. If anything changing the kids diaper is a turn off. So, it does not necessarily follow (and from those I've met, I'd say it is actually quite unlikely) that changing a baby diaper will have any effect on your husband.

What advice do I have for you? First, talk to him. Tell him what you told us: that you love him and that you accept this part of him. Right now he is likely feeling exceptionally vulnerable. You will probably have to tell him this several times over a long period of time to help him believe that he is worth your love. So keep telling him.

If you have concerns or questions, please be honest about them and bring them up so you can talk about them. This will show him that you (1) really are accepting and (2) that you are being honest about your feelings. This makes the sincere love you are expressing in the first step more believable, and will allow you to open up an avenue of dialog about the subject.

Talk about what you are comfortable with and what you are uncomfortable with. My wife knows that part of what helps with the anxiety is masturbating or urinating in the diaper. We've talked about it, and she is okay with it because she understands that it is something that is helping me deal with my anxiety and problems. We have discussed that it is important to both of us that I don't use the diaper as my primary sexual outlet, so she said that as long as we are making time to be intimate and building our relationship together she is okay with the masturbation part. I don't masturbate in front of her. In short, we have discussed the terms that we are okay with and we make it work in a way that addresses her concerns as well as meeting my innate needs.

Finally, if you sense any mental health issues, don't be afraid to address them, even though they are a totally separate, though possibly related issue. My depression and anxiety are real issues I still deal with on a daily basis. I am taking medicine to help with those issues. They were exacerbated by the DL side of me, but resolving them has not cured me. I am coming to realize that I will always have a DL side, and I can't believe I've found somebody who will take me as I come and will love all of me.

The last thing I'll say for now is that this group, ADISC, can be a great group for both of you. This is a support group with a bunch of people in a similar situation. Let us help you and your husband. I'm pretty new here, but I joined because I wanted to be able to get that kind of help from people who understand me and understand that while I didn't pick my issues, I'm still a good person regardless of those issues, and that those issues are part of what has made me who I am today. So welcome to the community. Invite your husband to join us as well. We can work through this together!
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Uauuuuu... this is a great post. I really felt very close to everything you just said. The only difference is that, because my lack of courage to talk with my wife, I ended up separated. She does not know what happen to me, and I guess she will never know. I hope someday I can find a good friend that I will be able to share everything that happen to me.
 
There is a lot of good information here. I had it under control for 8 yrs then the whole binge and purge cycle hit again. I went to therapy and found this site all about the same time. I finally broke down crying one night and that is when I told my wife about it. The best thing that helped was on You tube. Look for Baby Mitch's understanding ABDL and watch it together. Ask questions using the "I statement", i.e. I would like to understand your need for diapers?

Communicate and understand both sides.

And do not worry. Chasing down the little shit to change their little shit does not make you want to be in a diaper or do any thing to them. I have two, and love them to pieces. Also the one rule I set with my wife is never in front of the kids.

Egor
 
It's okay. Catch your breath. Do you even know how wonderful a spouse you are? You're wonderful! The fact that you conversed with him was fantastic! As far as what he likes about them, I'm not him, but I maybe able to clue you in. It maybe that he likes using them, or masturbates in them, but it maybe just a more comfortable underwear.

LBeckett745 said:
Every website I found was adamant that it had nothing to do with children, except one Yahoo answer post which said her DL husband said the same thing, but then she caught him looking at pictures and videos of diapered babies online so now I'm unsure...
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I bet that poster wasn't sure how to interpret what she was. Most DLs look at pictures and videos of babies simply because they're looking for stuff intended for them, on YouTube or an Adult Baby diaper company, and unfortunately, kids in diapers get mixed in, because of similarity of search terms, I guess. In the past, may it stay there, there were a few problems with unscrupulous Adult Baby diaper companies using people under 18 as models, but the company in question is under new management, praise Yahweh. Rest assured. Most AB/DLs view those images the way we women view kitten videos. Kitten videos are watched because they're cute, not because you'd ever dream of hurting the kitty. "Well, that was cute. Let's move on."
LBeckett745 said:
And I fear when we have a baby someday, that he will become arroused when changing its diaper.
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most likely no need. Kids are placed in a completely different part of the AB/DL brain.

If he likes using them, it maybe because it's something naughty. Don't be alarmed if Adult Baby ones show up in his stash. He can still be purely DL, and like those, because if it's naughty to wear medical-looking a diaper, how naughty, and anxiety inducing is it to wear an Adult Baby one? Anxiety is a turn on for some folks. It's also naughty to tie people up, but you don't look at him funny for that, so no reason to start looking at him funny for this.

It's also entirely possible that he likes them because boys have fancy schmaltzy external parts, and, well, pee is warm and wet. Depending on what the absorbent part of the diaper is made of, it might get squishy when wet, so now we have warm, wet, squishy.

If he messes them, it maybe fun for his prostate, which is the equivalent to the place Dr. Grafenberg found in women.

Needing to eliminate can be painful, and going from, "Goodness, this is painful," to no pain, can cause endorphin release. Maybe that's it?

Sorry to be so specific about where in his body this may all come from, but I'm a cold, logical, clinical thinker, and it gives you some questions to ask him.

What worries me is that you said that he said he hates himself. Make sure he knows you don't hate him, so there's no reason for him to hate himself. In fact, you love him, so all the more reason to love himself. He's not pervey or bad. He may think your acceptance is a fluke, until he trusts that it's consistent and real. He may think you're being nice for now, but will turn when you realize how weird he is. Maybe say, "Go put one on under your basketball shorts, and we'll sit on the couch together and watch the game," then, let him be, "E." Ignore the diaper entirely.

Partner participation is something many of us want. For me personally, it'd help, "He really doesn't mind," get through my head. Don't feel pressured to participate. If it happens, it'll take time, If you'd like to, just remember, he's still, "E."
 
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Hi. I'm a male AB and DL myself. I have three kids and I can assure you this was never a problem. And as was already stated, people with our strange quirks are no different to the rest of earths population, meaning that 99% of 'us' are just normal people and then you have that 1% of sociopaths. I'd like to quote babymt here, since I think that comparison was pretty accurate:

babymt said:
As to having kids I can tell you from personal experience babies diapers are yucky and will not turn your husband on. It is like saying that because you like to dress up as a nurse you would find a child dressed as a nurse sexually attractive (I don't know if that makes sense, but I hope so)
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We (meaning my wife and I) have this rule too, never in front of the kids of course. There's only that one *personal* problem I have, since I am not only a DL but also partially incontinent: There are times when I HAVE to wear in front of our kids (e.g. when we're having a car ride out of town). That feels kind of awkward. But you already ruled this out for your spouse, so that wouldn't prove to be a problem obviously.

You should really invite 'E' to join us too. Having a rare fetish is nothing that has to be cured. Its something that one has to get to terms with oneself, since it is a deeply anchored part of the personality. And it warms my heart that he now has you to help him in that process.
 
You really came to the right place, and good for you! It's great that you're looking to understand rather than ridicule or put down your spouse's "extracurricular activities".

I think the previous posts really cover a lot of important aspects, but I'll share my story as well:

I came out to my girlfriend about my ABDL side about 6 months in, and she was curious but really supportive, and within a month of me telling her, she was asking me for advice on what diapers she should try! It's great!

Maybe once the dust has settled, you might want to try wearing and using a diaper yourself, and see how that makes you feel. I'm not trying to push you towards adopting his fetish at all, but having the experience if wearing and using a diaper could really give you some insight as to what E finds appealing. Or, you might try purchasing your own and trying them out without his knowledge, and use that experience as a good way to start a conversation with him, since he seems reluctant to do so.

The most important thing to do is to make him feel safe enough to open up to you and then establish the rules and boundaries you and he need. Your feelings are important too!

In my own case, my girlfriend and I wear and wet together, but she needs time to ease into the infantile aspect of me. And we both agreed that we have no interest in me messing in her presence.

Just take your time and feel proud of yourself for doing the right thing in this situation.

Good luck to both of you!
 
Most of us are very kind .
I feel its a mix some percent of AB and some persent DL like 75%dl 25% ab or 90%dl 10%ab every one deferent it's not one size fit all.
We all come to this are own way some were bedwetters as kids and had to use diapers or in my case wetting accident. For some they never wanted out of them in the first place some tryed them when a sibling was added to the family.
Some even got into it going over to a friends house they played house they were the baby playing.
Some even had a friend that bedwet and he wanted to see what they we're like.
There even are those that were punished if you act like a baby you will be treated like one and put into pamper's but liked the feel of there diapers.
For guy's we have a lot of nerve's down there so the feel of the item is it.
After having to wear them we got hooked on the feeling we get
You see we as baby's and toddlers we are in them for a few years it feels good to be changed the love and confort of taken care it tied to that time
But when your that litte your memory is so very short so when your pottie trained you dont remember that good feeling of being in a pamper clean soft or even wet at first feel's good for some.

Now in my case i was put into diapers at an older age first or second grade when mom put me in them it re-awakened those feelings on some level something I had for gotten how good it felt.

Every one does some thing some bite nails or some even suck there thumb .
Some eat or spend money.
But when you hit puberty the it can be in grained into your core it's a part of you inside.
Us AB/Dl like it to be real we so we look at things to help it be real to authenticate our feelings.

I want my diapers to look like the real thing even down to adult toddler clothing.
So yes some times I look for the baby items and photos for ideas on baby stuff.

Smells also can be a trigger the baby pants smell can bring the feeling at the time I was put into diapers.

I know a few persons that are family's that wife or husband wear they are ok well balanced .
So many of us have tryed to give to up but the more we suppress our feeling and wearing the worse we crave it . When I gave it up for 3 years I felt dead no joy living .
What helped me was accepting this was a part of me like having a bald spot.

I have a girl friend we are best friends she is ok with me being this way matter fact she enjoy's my playfulness she's learning to play a little her self lol
I even pickup her pads at the store for her and she pick's up my pampers at times .
She has her quirk's as I have mine we are not out to change one another we like each as we are.
He is still the one you married he just has this side of him.
I do not know his past so can't give in site as to him.
But I can say guilt is a killer it puts us into binge and purge cycles where we get rid of every thing and then buy and were a lot.
Balance is the key. Yes we need loving and caring partners and we give back as much or more then we get.
There are extreme's in every group of person's out there .
I would never hurt any one or young ones I would be one to protect them every one here feel's the same way.
99% of us are not pedophiles we just like the feeling we get wearing pampers or for some being in our little space.
He very embarrassed and was not probably ready to tell you we live in a lot of fear of rejection for having this condition.
So the best thing you can do it's be understandingand compassionate.
I know you're in the research phase of this and the deal is that you can't believe everything that's on the internet about this because so many people don't know what's going on with this. There a lot of biased and negative information out there that's not necessarily true.
this board has a lot of information and we're here to help those that wear and those that are with people who wear. so the persons turnout the best are those that have an open mind and communicate with each other.

Try to make him feel at ease he's scared to death right now I bet most of us are when our wives or girlfriends find out will she leave me she probably thinks I'm a freak and stuff like that just trying to make him feel at ease that you love him that way you can communicate easier maybe get him to open up and you can find out more about it and that would be a big help.
Thank to you for loving him the way you do by learning about this part of him.
He is so lucky to have you.

You can post your question's we on here will be glad to help with our insite.
Take care .
 
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It would be overload of me to add to the wonderful advice already shared, but I would like to add my congratulations to you for being so wonderfully understanding. We are not defined by our interests or needs, and you knowing this will not alter the man you love, except to make him happier and less anxious about an aspect of his personality. As you and he become more accepting of this as part of your lives and your relationship, you will undoubtedly become closer. Just make sure that your acceptance does not translate into his indulgence at your expence. You deserve everything he promised you when he committed his life to you.

Good luck, be very discerning in your research, and if anything is confusing you, please ask us. :hugs:
 
My wife didn't find out about my AB/DL side until we had been married for over 8 years. It's always been something that has been in the background for me...I can take it or leave it. But she found out as part of a game we were playing, so there was no embarrassment for me or her.

I think the great thing that his AB/DL is out in the open, and it appears that both of you are coping with this 'interest'. I could tell you about my wife and I's experience with the AB/DL stuff (and I will if you want) but I cannot publicly add to what has already been said. My marriage is still very strong, and we add the AB/DL stuff to our life. I only wear diapers at night, and we only do anything AB/DL related at night, or when we are alone during the day.

My hat is off to you. You are very understanding, and you are both lucky to have each other.
 
I am glad I stumbled on this site . I've been married to a beautiful Lady for forty plus years. We were married pretty young, I've been a DL since I was about four years old. But when I was a teenager I tried to suppress my urges. It worked for awhile .As time went on it was driving me nuts I couldn't help it I was making diapers from towels. Well one day after 20 yrs . I couldn't keep it a secret anymore I was depress for many reasons but the biggest reason I was keeping a secret and I didn't know how to tell her, I was afraid when I did she would leave me .I was wrong we're still married as I stated earlier for forty plus years. I still wear diapers 24/7 now I urinate in my diapers but I don't mess in them. thanks for the stories It made me realize I'm not the only one in this predicument.
 
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