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Thread: Anorexia?

  1. #1

    Default Anorexia?

    First, I apologize if this post is a bit fragmented.

    I have not eaten in 4 days. I understand that by all rights my body should be screaming for nourishment by now, if only my nervous system would admit such. I don't feel it. The very thought of anything edible makes me want to vomit.

    I know this is emotional in nature. When I am not in psychological duress, I eat very well. I have been diagnosed with "functional dyspepsia" which is, so far as I can tell, the subconscious analog of classical anorexia. My body is refusing the food moreso than I am by any conscious decision. I keep buying food, I just can't bring myself to eat it, and it will likely make me sick if I do. It's tiring to constantly force the issue.

    I seem to be unusual in this respect. I do not have issues with body image or etc, at least moreso than the average transperson who dislikes their gender-specific anatomy. I don't "think I'm fat" or anything of the sort. Rather, I understand perhaps slightly too well that physical nourishment sustains me in my present adverse environment, and as such may only be considered "nourishment" in a very short-term, limited sense. Ultimately it leads to more abuse, so ultimately it is a kind of poison. My body understands this. That is the problem.

    Has anyone on ADISC dealt with such issues before?

    P.S. Before anyone recommends contacting a professional, I already have. They're stumped. What's next?

  2. #2

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    This is a tough one. I can't say I've exactly been through this myself so my advice is limited in scope.

    However, I've had trouble eating too over the past few weeks. I still eat a little, and I'm getting better, but nerves have an amazing way to shut down hunger. I think it has a lot to do with our fight or flight response, naturally keeping us lean and conserving energy that would normally be dedicated to digestion to dealing with a crisis situation.

    Perhaps the situation is less medical and more psychological. Do you feel stressed by anything in particular? Can you identify any source of emotional pain that may be triggering this issue?

    One thing I would do too is despite your body rejecting food perhaps the best thing to do would try to be to meditate on what it is exactly that you want. Both physically and emotionally speaking of course. Physically is there something you want - something that is bringing you turmoil? Emotionally the same? Also, see if there are any cravings buried deep down in your brain for some type of food. Cravings are very important and may be the key to restarting your appetite. For example, during my periods of "nerve induced hunger strike" I really try to think down deep what I would love to eat more than anything. This week I felt the slim desire to eat one of my black bean bulgur burgers. So I made a batch, and presto, back came my appetite, not a whole lot, but just enough to sustain me.

    Thats all I can come up with now. Please please please do take care and I hope that this situation resolves soon. Have you done extensive research online about this ?

    Best of luck to you Sapphyre.

  3. #3

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    The short answer: I feel stressed by the fact that I have to live on a planet full of people trying to screw me in more ways than I can count. And by how much more there could be, if everyone wasn't so pre-occupied with getting the better of each other, if that wasn't everyone's top priority...

    The present human condition is not due to lack of time, lack of experience, lack of technology, nor lack of intelligence. The world as it exists, a cesspool of people competing with one another to come out on top (if only on paper), is where humans want to be. And for that, I can't understand them, and feel disconnected from them. I don't fit because I don't want the same and generally consider people stupid for acting that way.

  4. #4

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    Well, if I may I'd like to say that I too had this exact outlook on the world and still to some degree I do. Becoming a diaperfur has unleashed more of my soft side so I'd say that I'm not exactly as black and white as I once was. This is a hard way to look at the world because the more you think about how others are out to get one another and out to compete with you, the harder it is for you to feel like you're important.

    You just have to go against the flow. A wise friend of mine once sent me a poster that reads, "Only dead fish go with the flow." Be different, stand out, make a difference. Show the world you are different. For example, I enjoy doing unusual things like studying insects, doing space and lightning photography, drawing, keeping bees, etc. I think its funny how everyone pours over me for being so "different and off the grid" but the truth of the matter is that I have to share this world with everyone else whose here right now and I am powerless to stop the rat race for going on. BUT, I can decide to go against the grain and live my own life, disconnected from the worries and anxieties faced by the world. I like to say that the more you face the world and more you focus on the world, the worse your own life will be. Turn your back on the world, and do what YOU want to do. Make this life COUNT and make it a good one. Never focus on the troubles of the world, instead, live in your OWN world, a world that you define, you create, and you control.

    Hope this helps you and I wish you well Sapphyre.

  5. #5

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    I need some time to absorb and digest this.

    Until very recently, I did not have the choice to live my life how I choose to. I only have that option now conditionally, depending on whether my parents spare me from the debt that they claim "everyone" has to suffer, that they stuck on me in my name. If they do not, I assume that whatever I acquire may be legally stolen from me. And with that in mind, it does not make sense to strive for anything at all. There's no point in chasing things that can just be taken from you.

    I don't yet know how to live in any world other than this.

  6. #6

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    It isn't something that you can come to grips with overnight. I didn't come to develop this sense of the world in a short period of time by any means. But, I will say that you are alive only once. And you only have the one chance to strive. A lot of stuff can weigh you down and cripple you, the least of which would include financial debts. I'm sorry that that burden has been placed upon your shoulders. Years ago I used to look at some people and wonder why I idolized them so much, and thought in poignant curiosity at how they were able to look past all of these atrocities and still hold out hope and wonder enough to strive for anything.

    I think that challenges are what make us different and strong. Those who are faced with few challenges are ill-prepared for what life brings them. Those who live a life of challenge often are the brightest beacons you will find in this dark world because they are able to rise above and make their lives matter despite all the evils and trials that work tireless to bring them down.

    With that strength comes character, comes pride, and it is up to you to prove to the world that you can break free from the chains that the world throws over you. Be someone the world can look up to, but don't live your life in search of the world's approval. Be different but try not to focus on how the world sees you. You are your own person, and you can choose to live beyond the pettiness and darkness that so many succumb to.

    With your challenges, you will learn to live in a world of your own. You must separate yourself from the current world, ignore its demands, and cut your own path. I know this sounds like a bunch of philosophical mumbo-jumbo but once you start finding your own way you'll know what I'm talking about. I wish only the best for you moving forward and I hope dearly that you can find a way that satisfies you and I pray that you can rise above the challenges that seek to bring you down. Its easy to fall, and its exceptionally harder to get back up and move forward.

  7. #7

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    A number of people have a condition where the brain can't tell them to be hungry. I can imagine that might happen under limited conditions such as extreme stress. When my wife was losing her foot and in the hospital, I was so upset and so stressed that I had to force myself to eat. Any thought of food made me sick. You're right in that it's like being in that fight or flight mode.

    I wouldn't worry about having to be successful or losing everything you've worked for. I've actually have had it happen to me in downturns of the stock market, and losing jobs. What I've learned is to live for each day. Find a job you enjoy doing and don't compete with others. When I was accepted as a music major at Westminster Choir College, Princeton, we were told during orientation to not try and compete with older students, or any students. I don't care who you are, you will always find others who seem better than you. Just look at sports, or look at CEOs who lose their jobs and their power positions. Happiness is not found in wealth. It might be nice to have, but it should never define you.

    I define myself as a good musician. I know I'm not the best. I can go to the concert hall to find better musicians. I'm a good father and have a great family. I'm loved and respected by my peers and by my church congregation where I'm their music director. Accomplish what you can and what's reasonable and you will begin to feel better. I think once you can dump all that stress and worry, your appetite will come back.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    A number of people have a condition where the brain can't tell them to be hungry. I can imagine that might happen under limited conditions such as extreme stress. When my wife was losing her foot and in the hospital, I was so upset and so stressed that I had to force myself to eat. Any thought of food made me sick. You're right in that it's like being in that fight or flight mode.

    I wouldn't worry about having to be successful or losing everything you've worked for. I've actually have had it happen to me in downturns of the stock market, and losing jobs. What I've learned is to live for each day. Find a job you enjoy doing and don't compete with others. When I was accepted as a music major at Westminster Choir College, Princeton, we were told during orientation to not try and compete with older students, or any students. I don't care who you are, you will always find others who seem better than you. Just look at sports, or look at CEOs who lose their jobs and their power positions. Happiness is not found in wealth. It might be nice to have, but it should never define you.

    I define myself as a good musician. I know I'm not the best. I can go to the concert hall to find better musicians. I'm a good father and have a great family. I'm loved and respected by my peers and by my church congregation where I'm their music director. Accomplish what you can and what's reasonable and you will begin to feel better. I think once you can dump all that stress and worry, your appetite will come back.
    In a few words, I'm really just tired of getting kicked around by everyone from parents to so-called friends to employers to lovers. I'd prefer to never need to deal with anyone else again.

    I can't work a job that I enjoy, because that won't pay the debt that has been put on me. Nothing is that simple. I have to work a job that pays the bills I got stuck with. That means a job I hate. Unless, of course, I decide to just ignore what other people claim I owe them, which I am quite close to trying....

    You should worry about losing what you work for, because you can. There is no law against stealing (at least, none that is effective to this purpose). It's more important not to care what you lose, so that you aren't hurt when it's taken from you. This is what I'm trying to accomplish. I need to avoid defining myself, or my accomplishments, in terms of things that can be taken away at a moment's notice. That includes such things as respect and love. I learned that much the hard way...

    You are correct that orienting myself such that nothing I actually value can be taken from me is key to settling my stress / digestive issues. I just haven't worked out how, yet. o.o

    - - - Updated - - -

    This post seems to have disappeared.. re-posted.

    Quote Originally Posted by shibapawz View Post
    It isn't something that you can come to grips with overnight. I didn't come to develop this sense of the world in a short period of time by any means. But, I will say that you are alive only once. And you only have the one chance to strive. A lot of stuff can weigh you down and cripple you, the least of which would include financial debts. I'm sorry that that burden has been placed upon your shoulders. Years ago I used to look at some people and wonder why I idolized them so much, and thought in poignant curiosity at how they were able to look past all of these atrocities and still hold out hope and wonder enough to strive for anything.

    I think that challenges are what make us different and strong. Those who are faced with few challenges are ill-prepared for what life brings them. Those who live a life of challenge often are the brightest beacons you will find in this dark world because they are able to rise above and make their lives matter despite all the evils and trials that work tireless to bring them down.

    With that strength comes character, comes pride, and it is up to you to prove to the world that you can break free from the chains that the world throws over you. Be someone the world can look up to, but don't live your life in search of the world's approval. Be different but try not to focus on how the world sees you. You are your own person, and you can choose to live beyond the pettiness and darkness that so many succumb to.

    With your challenges, you will learn to live in a world of your own. You must separate yourself from the current world, ignore its demands, and cut your own path. I know this sounds like a bunch of philosophical mumbo-jumbo but once you start finding your own way you'll know what I'm talking about. I wish only the best for you moving forward and I hope dearly that you can find a way that satisfies you and I pray that you can rise above the challenges that seek to bring you down. Its easy to fall, and its exceptionally harder to get back up and move forward.
    I should take this opportunity to mention that I am Buddhist. I don't buy the idea of "living once." There are a lot of ideas I specifically do not buy, which is why I have reached the conclusions I have... sort of an ultimate skeptic's vantage point... but that's another topic.

    Making my life matter is the main issue, as you identified. However, such things as pride and self-respect do not exist in an impervious vacuum: they can be stolen from you too, if you care about anyone else's opinion. It is simple enough to say that you don't, but then, on what basis does your self-valuation have meaning? And are you sure you can keep on believing that, deep down, no matter what anyone says or how anyone treats you or how life turns out? Does such a bedrock exist?

    I am learning not to be dependent upon others for my sense of well-being, but as you said, it's a gradual process...

    Thank you for your help.

  9. #9

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    As someone who has suffered from anorexia for literally half of my life, I think it will be okay. Anorexia Nervosa is a mental problem, if your body s telling you it does want to eat it is less of a concern as it's a natural reaction. If your mind however begins telling you that you do not want to eat, or you don't deserve to eat, then red flags should go up. You mentioned it is psychological, I would wait it out a couple of days, eat foods you really like. Go out to dinner to your favorite restaurant. Eat small amounts. If you eat a whole meal after not eating for 4 days, your body is liable to reject the food, and you might just throw it back up. Eat small portions and try to heal. You will be okay. In the end we all have to be.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by 407391 View Post
    As someone who has suffered from anorexia for literally half of my life, I think it will be okay. Anorexia Nervosa is a mental problem, if your body s telling you it does want to eat it is less of a concern as it's a natural reaction. If your mind however begins telling you that you do not want to eat, or you don't deserve to eat, then red flags should go up. You mentioned it is psychological, I would wait it out a couple of days, eat foods you really like. Go out to dinner to your favorite restaurant. Eat small amounts. If you eat a whole meal after not eating for 4 days, your body is liable to reject the food, and you might just throw it back up. Eat small portions and try to heal. You will be okay. In the end we all have to be.
    I will try, no luck yet.

    There are some red flags. I'm sure my body must be hungry by now, but I just can't feel it. I feel light-headedness, low blood sugar, intestinal discomfort occasionally... but nothing approaching a desire to eat anything. I feel tired of people and sick of the way they tend to treat each other (which I extrapolate strictly based upon how they treat me), and I feel this very deeply by now, and the feeling seems connected to my lack of appetite. It is not quite a sense of "not deserving" nourishment, but it's not far from that either.

    I don't care for the world, as it is. I'm tired of having to fight everyone and everything just to not be elbowed out, just to get by in life. It's exhausting and totally unnecessary. And, frankly, it's stupid. I think I'm losing the will to fight just for the privilege of fighting again the next day. What's the point? It gets old really fast, but then it just goes on and on and on...

    Thank you for your kind words and advice. I think you're right that small meals are the place to start...

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