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Thread: Looking for some friendly advice

  1. #1
    Gemmy

    Default Looking for some friendly advice

    Hey, I'm looking for some friendly advice here.

    Now, before I go into explaining my "issue", I just want to make sure that everyone understands that I need this forum topic to stay POSITIVE. I don't want any HATE SPEECH or ATTACKS to be made against ANYBODY.

    My Hubby and I have been talking a lot over the last few days, about me, my infantilism, and everything. We're both feeling a little emotionally drained.

    Allow me to explain.

    My husband and I have been really working at a lot of things in our life together the last 7 years we've been together. From his medical problems to my medical problems to my depression and anxiety, to our family life, raising a child together... we've been through a lot. And I can't possibly love and respect him any more that I do now. And I know he loves me just the same.

    My hubby was more than okay with my infantilism when I first told him (After the feeling of betrayal he had when I came here to talk about it before him), but since he's not a caretaker type (not even with our own daughter who was a legit infant), he is uncomfortable being with me when I am regressed/ing.

    He's having a hard time as he thought that my regression was like a "Part-Time", a "Hobby", something that I could control, be happy with taking part in from time to time, daily even, like the way I get enjoyment from watching TV or playing video games or sewing.. but he didn't realize that it's part of my personality, like the same way that I'm homosexual, you know?

    I can't blame him, I mean, my infantilism was something I hid, something I felt guilty liking... something I would binge and purge every few years, ever since I was 5. I thought I was broken, and thought I could stay away from it and not let it affect me or my family.

    Now, I'm realizing, and my hubby is realizing, that it's not a hobby, it's a part of me, and it's making him a little upset. He's not angry, he doesn't want a divorce or anything, and he's never been mean about it ever. He doesn't make me feel bad, and he doesn't want me to stop necessarily.

    I mean, I love my hubby to bits, and I don't mind that he's not a caretaker. and I don't want to ruin what we built over the last 7 years just because I have infantilism, you know? I feel really lost. I know my hubby loves me and wants to be with me and keep working on our family together, and he knows I want that too.

    I also plan on talking to my therapist with him tomorrow as well, I'm hoping that there is a resolution. I feel like I'm such a terrible person for hiding this from him for our entire relationship, I thought I made it go away a long time ago....

    I don't want to loose him, I don't want to have to split up... I don't want to keep him bound in a relationship that makes him uncomfortable, where his partner has infantilism...


    I just don't know what to do or think or say, I'm just frazzled...

    Thanks in advance for reading this long post, and sharing your words of wisdom.


    TL;DR: Hubby can't be in love with an adult baby, and I can't force him to. BE NICE, DON'T HATE ON ME OR MY HUBBY, BE RESPECTFUL, THANKS FOR THE HELP!

  2. #2

    Default

    Perhaps your ultimate solution might be to find someone else to "babysit" you every now and then, on a schedule your husband approves. Maybe he could take your daughter out for the afternoon, and you could have a caregiver help you regress for a few hours.

    There are genuinely few avenues for compromise here. Your infantilism, as you've proven to yourself, won't go away ... even after you talk with the therapist. Your husband's lack of desire to be a caregiver probably won't grow over time ... if it were going to blossom, it likely would have done so when your daughter was born.

    The only viable alternative, it seems to me, is to involve someone else you both know and trust. That's more of a struggle than it sounds (most people focus just on finding the right caregiver, but there are other factors to consider in your situation) but it's probably the most straightforward approach to solving your difficulty.

    Best of luck to you and your husband!

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Gemmy View Post
    I also plan on talking to my therapist with him tomorrow as well, I'm hoping that there is a resolution. I feel like I'm such a terrible person for hiding this from him for our entire relationship.
    Hi Gemmy
    I am very glad to hear you decided to talk about this with your therapist.

    I know disclosing something like this is very hard. The years of mentally beating yourself up, feeling like crap, the embarrassment and guilt.
    All over something you have no control over. Something that is a part of you.
    Something that, like being Gay, is a part of you and can not be changed any easier then changing you eye color.

    You had your reasons for hiding this, you thought it was something you could rid yourself of.
    Yes, he is feeling hurt, betrayed, furious even. But from what I've seen, he is a nice understanding person that loves you! It may take him time to adjust to this, but I do not feel that he is going to stop loving you over this.

    The best thing you can do right now is keep communicating with each other.
    Explore this with your therapist, see where it goes.
    I'm sure in time the both of you will find a happy medium with all of this.



    Quote Originally Posted by sbmccue View Post
    Perhaps your ultimate solution might be to find someone else to "babysit" you every now and then.
    Uh I'm gonna say Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Not an option.

  4. #4

    Default

    Um, so if it's alright I thought I should probably explain how I'm feeling about all of this too. I feel bad for taking up more of everyone's time with this as I know we just wrapped up a thread in the Mature section, but the new understanding Gemmy and I have about their infantalism has changed a lot of things.

    Initially, as Gemmy explained, I thought that diapering and regressing would be a hobby that Gemmy would partake in for an hour a day or so and be satisfied, just like I enjoy having an hour a day to watch my favorite TV show.

    But as Gemmy has been exploring this part of themselves more, they've realized that it's more than that. Gemmy's infantalism is something that is a part of them that is emerging more and more. And it seems to make them more relaxed and content so I don't want them to stop.

    At the same time though, the more I see of Gemmy in their regressed state and the more time they spend regressed, the less we seem to have in common. My best friend for 7 years seems to have been a mask that Gemmy looks forward to taking off whenever possible, and I don't feel attracted to the adult baby side of them that is coming through more and more.

    It's not something that an occasional caregiver could fix (if an occasional care giving/baby time session was all Gemmy needed, I would take one for the team and fill that role for them)

    But Gemmy says that wouldn't be enough and I'm not happy living with an adult baby. I miss my partner, who seems to be disappearing, and happy about it! I don't know what to do. I'm honestly questioning our future.

  5. #5

    Default

    I think you should bring these issues up with the therapist ASAP.

    There are aspects of being ABDL that Gemmy can incorporate into daily life, such as discreet diaper wearing, cute clothing, or things like having toys and plushies.

    However, being regressed 100% of the time is, imo, not healthy at all. ABDL includes "adult" in there for a reason. It's important to be able to do adult things, give a partner love and interaction on an equal level if they need it, and live in society. Regression is something to do sometimes as a way to reduce stress and be happy. It might be more or less frequent at various times, just like one might use a free weekend to do nothing but sleep in and watch television. But it shouldn't be all the time.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by GemmysHubby View Post
    Um, so if it's alright I thought I should probably explain how I'm feeling about all of this too. I feel bad for taking up more of everyone's time with this as I know we just wrapped up a thread in the Mature section, but the new understanding Gemmy and I have about their infantalism has changed a lot of things.

    Initially, as Gemmy explained, I thought that diapering and regressing would be a hobby that Gemmy would partake in for an hour a day or so and be satisfied, just like I enjoy having an hour a day to watch my favorite TV show.

    But as Gemmy has been exploring this part of themselves more, they've realized that it's more than that. Gemmy's infantalism is something that is a part of them that is emerging more and more. And it seems to make them more relaxed and content so I don't want them to stop.

    At the same time though, the more I see of Gemmy in their regressed state and the more time they spend regressed, the less we seem to have in common. My best friend for 7 years seems to have been a mask that Gemmy looks forward to taking off whenever possible, and I don't feel attracted to the adult baby side of them that is coming through more and more.

    It's not something that an occasional caregiver could fix (if an occasional care giving/baby time session was all Gemmy needed, I would take one for the team and fill that role for them)

    But Gemmy says that wouldn't be enough and I'm not happy living with an adult baby. I miss my partner, who seems to be disappearing, and happy about it! I don't know what to do. I'm honestly questioning our future.
    I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope that you can understand that this is probably something that Gemmy had originally thought would have disappeared, but discovered it didn't, either that, or Gemmy didn't think it was something that was important because it at first seemed small, but the urges and needs have significantly grown. It is a very real part of Gemmy though, but so is the friend that you once had.

    In all reality, you are both victims of a society that fears open discussion about the odder things of life.

    I don't think you are to be blamed for not being able to happily live with an adult baby. There is nothing wrong with admitting what can and cannot be for you.

    I think both of you will be best off discussing this with a therapist. Most importantly aside from that, is to try not to be upset with each other over it. It was an unforeseeable problem at the beginning of your 7 year relationship otherwise i'm sure it would have been addressed sooner. It is good though that you are willing to take one for the team had that been enough. As well, Gemmy will have to be willing to give in, in some ways too, if your relationship is to continue. I hope that a therapist will be able to help.

  7. #7
    Gemmy

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    I think you should bring these issues up with the therapist ASAP.

    There are aspects of being ABDL that Gemmy can incorporate into daily life, such as discreet diaper wearing, cute clothing, or things like having toys and plushies.

    However, being regressed 100% of the time is, imo, not healthy at all. ABDL includes "adult" in there for a reason. It's important to be able to do adult things, give a partner love and interaction on an equal level if they need it, and live in society. Regression is something to do sometimes as a way to reduce stress and be happy. It might be more or less frequent at various times, just like one might use a free weekend to do nothing but sleep in and watch television. But it shouldn't be all the time.
    I understand what you're saying, and I just wanted to make sure that even though I do think about my infantilism, I'm not living in a state of permanent regression. I still keep my regression to my daily nighttime routine, and when I need to relax and have some fun, or when I'm chatting on Skype in text RPs. And I do visit Skype several times through the day because it is on my phone.

    It's definitely not a 100% of the time thing. But I guess I'm really just in a binge session considering this is my first time back to it in almost 8 years.

  8. #8

    Default

    I definitely would agree that this could be an extreme binge and that, having repressed things for so long, the need to indulge is so great that it's swinging far beyond the midline that would be a longer term "maintenance" level for Gemmy. However, it could also be that this is pretty close to the midline. You probably won't be able to tell for a while. That's okay. This is, as unfitting as it sounds, a growth process for both of you. Both of you are learning more about yourselves and each other. Making any decisions now, unless it's something that's a complete dealbreaker, is extremely hasty. It seems that the primary thing that needs to be figured out is where the needs and boundaries lie. Once these have been fully explored and determined, then you have the information to make a well thought out and informed decision.

  9. #9

    Default

    It looks to me that both of you are interested in working together to stay together - that's GREAT. It also appears to me that both of you can understand (if not necessarily accept) where the other person is coming from.

    To me, these are all good signs, keep it up!

    What to do? I think the best thing is to bring this up to your therapist. Your therapist will have more information than we do and will be able to interact with you, to try to reach a compromise that both of you can live with.

    I wish you both good luck and many more years together.

  10. #10

    Default

    I think that over time, your husband will be better able to accept this and at the same time, you can chose days and nights to indulge, and other days/nights to go straight.....well, you know what I mean. I think you've hit the nail on the head, Gemmy, in that it was such a long stretch with not being able to express this, that once that dam was broken, all the water has flooded forth.

    Eventually I think you'll discover that if you take a break for a few days, having scheduled days to be "little" are all the more fun. That said, I usually go to bed diapered every night now, but both my wife and I are at our later years, so we do our own things. I'm diapered, and sadly at night, she's on her dialysis machine as she's in end stage renal failure. Like you and yours, we both love each other intensely, and we'll always be there for each other.

    I believe you both can make this work as long as you both are willing to meet each other half way, and isn't that what people who love each other do? Good relationships are two way streets, not one way, because those dead end. Since you've both talked this out, take a break for a few days and then talk about it again. Use this time for you both to think how the two of you can make this work. What will you give up and what will you accept. Many couples have made this work and you can too. It all comes down to compromise: give and take.

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