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Thread: feeling guitly.

  1. #1

    Default feeling guitly.

    So I have been starting to recently feel guilty for spending money on myself.
    I know that probably sounds weird, but I just can't explain it further than that.
    Today I spent $12.00 on a watch, and just felt horrible for doing so.
    I don't feel like I deserve anything nice. I just don't feel right.
    Over the weekend I bought some games at a few Goodwill stores, and I can't shake the guilt feeling.
    I love my PS2 and I love gaming, but I just feel bad for spending money.
    I am about to be 20 in a few days(Saturday the 14th), but I don't feel like I am about to be 20.
    Not wanting to feel selfish, not wanting to spend money, and not wanting to ever do anything again.
    I am feeling sort of scared of doing anything, because I will feel guilty, or selfish.
    All this over a few games and a watch. :/ What could it mean?

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by BronyPony1418 View Post
    So I have been starting to recently feel guilty for spending money on myself.
    I know that probably sounds weird, but I just can't explain it further than that.
    Today I spent $12.00 on a watch, and just felt horrible for doing so.
    I don't feel like I deserve anything nice. I just don't feel right.
    Over the weekend I bought some games at a few Goodwill stores, and I can't shake the guilt feeling.
    I love my PS2 and I love gaming, but I just feel bad for spending money.
    I am about to be 20 in a few days(Saturday the 14th), but I don't feel like I am about to be 20.
    Not wanting to feel selfish, not wanting to spend money, and not wanting to ever do anything again.
    I am feeling sort of scared of doing anything, because I will feel guilty, or selfish.
    All this over a few games and a watch. :/ What could it mean?
    I wouldn't feel guilt over $12.00. My wife and I just spent over $8000.00 on new dining room furniture that we didn't really need. I feel something different than silly. I think panic comes close.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by BronyPony1418 View Post
    So I have been starting to recently feel guilty for spending money on myself.
    I know that probably sounds weird, but I just can't explain it further than that.
    Today I spent $12.00 on a watch, and just felt horrible for doing so.
    I don't feel like I deserve anything nice. I just don't feel right.
    Over the weekend I bought some games at a few Goodwill stores, and I can't shake the guilt feeling.
    I love my PS2 and I love gaming, but I just feel bad for spending money.
    I am about to be 20 in a few days(Saturday the 14th), but I don't feel like I am about to be 20.
    Not wanting to feel selfish, not wanting to spend money, and not wanting to ever do anything again.
    I am feeling sort of scared of doing anything, because I will feel guilty, or selfish.
    All this over a few games and a watch. :/ What could it mean?
    Just off the cuff, BronyPony1418,

    I don't think this has anything to do with a few frugal purchases... A $12 dollar watch, and some Goodwill purchases (granted their prices have gone up to low retail)... probably has less to do with anything beyond what you feel you 'deserve'...

    This is what you feel... yet, I don't think it's why you feel it...

    It may or not be, that you're doing some retail therapy... yet, it may be that you require some actual therapy... you need to believe in yourself as worthy... and for way far more than $20-bucks!

    I speculate that you have not found yourself worthy of much of anything... therein the problem is... not some miniscule purchases...

    dogboy's issue is a bit different... him and his wife are seeing license in the uncertainty... it doesn't keep the practical side from screaming 'foul'!



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I wouldn't feel guilt over $12.00. My wife and I just spent over $8000.00 on new dining room furniture that we didn't really need. I feel something different than silly. I think panic comes close.
    BronyPony1418, I don't believe this has anything to do with a few bucks...

    My best for now,
    -Marka

  4. #4

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    Don't be ashamed to spend money on yourself. We all need it, on some level.. and we have our things. This is your only life, and you deserve to make the most of it. Turning 20 doesn't mean giving up all the things that make you happy, and stressing over every little thing. Continue to be you and don't be afraid to indulge responsibly.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    Just off the cuff, BronyPony1418,

    I don't think this has anything to do with a few frugal purchases... A $12 dollar watch, and some Goodwill purchases (granted their prices have gone up to low retail)... probably has less to do with anything beyond what you feel you 'deserve'...

    This is what you feel... yet, I don't think it's why you feel it...

    It may or not be, that you're doing some retail therapy... yet, it may be that you require some actual therapy... you need to believe in yourself as worthy... and for way far more than $20-bucks!

    I speculate that you have not found yourself worthy of much of anything... therein the problem is... not some miniscule purchases...

    dogboy's issue is a bit different... him and his wife are seeing license in the uncertainty... it doesn't keep the practical side from screaming 'foul'!



    BronyPony1418, I don't believe this has anything to do with a few bucks...

    My best for now,
    -Marka
    The thing is, I know my self worth. I have spent countless nights up, pacing, and even just staring into oblivion.
    I know that myself as a human has worth. That worth may not be much at the moment, because I am stuck in a never ending cycle of hate.
    But, that is beyond the point I am trying to make. I do not wish to seek therapy because I currently do not wish to.
    I have had enough family members go to therapy and end up in a hospital for 2-6 months, and I think that will drive me to the lowest point of self hatred.
    I am also not ready to spill my thoughts to a complete random stranger that has the power to spread it like wildfire. (internet, yes I know is about the same thing)
    The biggest part of it all is trust and fear. This is a simple feeling of guilt and selfishness, and I will learn to handle it.
    Sorry to drag on, and start a new thread to just complain, or just to ask for help. Lately I feel my opinion hasn't been worth dog crap.
    So just please I am kindly asking stop suggesting therapy, because for the time being that is not an option, and is not happening.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by BronyPony1418 View Post
    The thing is, I know my self worth. I have spent countless nights up, pacing, and even just staring into oblivion.
    I know that myself as a human has worth. That worth may not be much at the moment, because I am stuck in a never ending cycle of hate.
    But, that is beyond the point I am trying to make. I do not wish to seek therapy because I currently do not wish to.
    I have had enough family members go to therapy and end up in a hospital for 2-6 months, and I think that will drive me to the lowest point of self hatred.
    I am also not ready to spill my thoughts to a complete random stranger that has the power to spread it like wildfire. (internet, yes I know is about the same thing)
    The biggest part of it all is trust and fear. This is a simple feeling of guilt and selfishness, and I will learn to handle it.
    Sorry to drag on, and start a new thread to just complain, or just to ask for help. Lately I feel my opinion hasn't been worth dog crap.
    So just please I am kindly asking stop suggesting therapy, because for the time being that is not an option, and is not happening.
    It's obviously your decision alone (to seek or not to seek therapy)... and I understand why you may have particularly strong reservations against it given the history you've indicated with your family. I'm not meaning to beat you over the head with anything really... apologies if it comes off that way...

    You do make very important points about safety, and subsequently confidence... and you've mentioned self-loathing (hatred)...

    So...
    What are some things that you can think of to increase your sense of safety, thereby increasing your confidence... and how do we go about reducing (eliminating) the self-loathing?

    Here's something for you to try to wrap your head around: We care about you, we value your opinions, and your feelings... we believe that you are valuable, worthy, and valid, and deserving of good things...

    What would you tell us? That we're stupid, or incompetent? Or, that we just don't know you well enough?

    Can you accept any truth and confidence in how we feel about you now? Can you lean on us even just a little bit... trust that we might in fact know something about you as a person, without the conditions or contingencies, that you have to do or be X,Y, and Z to prove your value...

    Tell me if you will please... do you value us?
    Please explain:

    I am interested in finding different approaches other than therapy... there are quite a few people that it doesn't seem to be working for so well, or at all, and as you've mentioned... sometimes it even seems to cause more problems... I'm sure I do sound like a broken record "get therapy-get therapy"... Even though I do still generally advocate for therapy, my more important goal is to advocate for the person (that would be you dear!)... so... I'm all ears on finding ways to help you... even if that means ditching the standards... Keep in mind, that we do sort of have to tap-dance around liabilities and such... so, you've been advised to seek qualified professional services... that's done!

    Your serve...

    -Marka

  7. #7

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    Wow, okay so it seems I have stirred you up a bit. Rustled your feathers so to speak. I didn't mean to do such a thing if I did.
    I am sorry for coming across like a careless ass. I do value you, and all of my friends honestly more than I mostly value my own life.
    If all I am going to do is piss off everyone on here, when posting something, than I feel I should stop posting all together.
    No, I am not guilt tripping before someone calls me out for doing so. It to me really seems I have angered a few people in the time I have been on here.
    As for your question Marka yes I do value you all very much. As I said before I value you, and all of my other friends.
    I take the advice everyone gives, and I sort through it too find the best solution that will please everyone. I take all opinions to heart.
    I didn't mean to make it seem as if I don't value you or any other member on here. I do truly, and honestly would trust most of the members on here with stuff I wouldn't trust anyone else with.
    I say most, because there are a lot of people on here, and I have not met most of them.
    Why would I ever say anyone is stupid or incompetent? There are many other people on here, and on this planet that are smarter by far. Knowledge is not anything to laugh at or make fun of.
    Everyone learns and understands at different speeds. For me to tell someone they are stupid is a high level insult. Nobody is stupid in my opinion. Yes sure sometimes we don't all get along, or understand each others ideas.

  8. #8

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    I am well aware that there are members on here who are far smarter than I. Often on tough topics, I let them do the speaking, because their knowledge base is better than mine. Still, I have things to say because we all have knowledge areas and our own unique talents and abilities. I'm sure BP that you have your own.

    I was reading these responses and before I got to Marka's I was thinking the same thing, and in a nutshell, what would make you happy? What would make you feel like you had something to contribute, because that I suppose, is what self worth is about.

    I had to go to therapy when I was your age, forced by my mom when she discovered my diapers and gay porn. I was quite scared, because being gay in 1970 could put you in an institution against your will, and my mom sent me to see a psychiatrist at a residential mental facility. Because of things in my past, I was close to being a resident. Eventually I was able to talk her out of it, so I hear loud and clear what you're saying.

    Since that's the case, how can you help yourself? I hope that you continue to express yourself on this site when you are distressed, unhappy or depressed. Not only is that the site's first directive, but we all benefit from it sooner or later. As you know, sometimes there's little we can suggest that's life changing, but what we can do is commiserate and share our similar experiences. We can not only tell you that we care, but we can genuinely care.

    Last night, a member posted a thread concerning the death of his dog. I still feel sorrow for his loss because I'm a dog lover. We care about you because we feel these same things. We are a special group on this site. Many of us are successful in life, yet feel that what we are doing in life is meaningless and we look for meaning in our own lives. I think to some degree, it's the human condition. I can remember driving to work early in the morning, and feeling like I was one of the millions of ants moving from the ant hill to the jelly sandwich laying on the ground.

    We find meaning in ways that are specific and personal to each of us. I've found it in my music and writing, and in being a good father and husband. It's the same formula: family and work. There really isn't anything else. Even finding the next cure for cancer is a job for someone.

    I hope you will continue to talk to us, because one of the things that gives us humans worth, is helping others. It's probably the highest order in terms of what we can do to have meaningful lives. Hugs.

  9. #9

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    I have been thinking a lot about that question. What would make me happy? I could name a few things, but I would feel selfish for doing so.
    I could tell you about how much I wish I didn't look the way I do, or how I wish I was just a bit shorter. I could also tell you about how I wish I could lose weight faster.
    Wanting to not wake up in wet, and be "normal". Never finding out about this side, but all at the same time wanting to indulge in it more and more.
    There a few things that could make me happy sure. I could also wish for more knowledge so I can help out more. The want to be able to hold a conversation without running out of things to say.
    Having money, having my own place so I could live privately. A boyfriend that would love me no matter what, and would also help with this side of myself would also be very nice. But after hearing this I must come off as a very selfish person.
    I am not trying to seem that way honestly. This is just letting go of what my head and heart are telling me I want.
    A job so I could help my family, have my own apartment, and maybe a little spending money so I could indulge myself.
    Helping out other members, and maybe making some new friends along the way. These are just on the top of my mind.
    I don't only want to make myself happy, but I want to make everyone I can happy. Happiness shouldn't be never something only one person can hold. It should be something that is shared.
    It is something that not enough people have. I know I can wait in the long line until I am served a slice of it. I would much prefer the others who need it more to step ahead of me in line.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by BronyPony1418 View Post
    Wow, okay so it seems I have stirred you up a bit. Rustled your feathers so to speak. [...]
    Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner! I'm not physically well these days... and I hope that isn't translating out in an abruptness or snarkiness on my part... I didn't feel perturbed by your message at all, and I'm certainly not meaning to insinuate anything negative on you... please know that sincerely!

    What I was hoping to set-up in my previous post... kind of worked as far as getting your attention, except that it sort of misdirected you too (sorry)... My intentions are, since you do value and trust a number of us within reason and as much as one can, given this medium... I would like for you to borrow from us, our value and trust in you ...since you're having difficulties drawing much of the nurturing from your own reserves, for yourself at this time... I'm attempting to show you ways to see yourself in a healthier way through a sort of osmosis, or vicariously so-to-speak...

    What I meant about the competence bit on our part wasn't that I thought that you thought, that we are stupid... it was instead intended to flesh-out some confidence and a sort of reliability, as a base for you to start from...

    Most if not all of us here are former professional self-loathers... I am no exception to that... so, you have our empathy, sympathy, and understanding... but also, with any luck... some experiential aspects that can hopefully be of practical use to you... though some degree of tailoring is often necessary to fit the particular individual's needs and circumstances... hopefully, we can save you some time and effort, hardship and health... in not having to reinvent the wheel...

    It's been enough years for me since I was a practicing self-loather... the details of my transition are not all that clear in memory... One thing I do recall though, is the vicarious-method of borrowing, and appropriately trusting other's positive values in me, while rejecting the negative perceptions, and finding ways to effectively appreciate constructive assessments for my own betterment...

    Let me know if you will please, how I'm doing here... questions, thoughts what-have-you...

    You are not angering me or anyone else here as far as I can tell...

    Wishing your good health and vitality,
    -Marka
    Last edited by Marka; 11-Mar-2015 at 20:09.

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