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Thread: Problems with kids :-(

  1. #1

    Default Problems with kids :-(

    Hey all, I have just had my first child. He's so awesome and I love him so much. Besides my wonderful fiance, he is the best thing I ever experienced. However, my fiance has a 3yo to another sperm donor (who bailed early in the pregnancy) and I'm starting to dislike him. I thought I could love him like my own son but now I realize that I may not be able to. He's really putting on a show for attention and the more he does it, the further I pull away from him. Anyone been in this situation?

  2. #2

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    Consider that it may have less to do with you not being the father, and more to do with him being 3. 3yr olds can be contrary little dicks more often than not. That's why nature made them cute, otherwise we'd strangle them. Then of course there's sibling jealousy rearing its ugly head, which probably accounts for the attention seeking. Right now, we're having a similar issue with Junior's 9 month old daughter and their 6 year old mutt (pit-lab mix we think). When grandma and grandpa come over, the two of them are bouncing off each other competing for attention (The dog is reasonably careful, but its still part lab).

    Thinking back a long long time... I had the same 3 year age gap with my younger brother. Its a miracle that both of us survived to adulthood without killing each other.

    You're the adult and parent, whether by blood or not, so its up to you to stuff the odd feelings in a dark hole somewhere and treat the kid the way a parent should.

    OK, maybe that's a little harsh. I guess I'm saying that your problem doesn't seem much different than it would be if they were both yours. Most parents have at least some problems dividing the attention.

    Back in the day, I married a woman with a pre-existing 5 year old daughter. Similar circumstances. Since her father was never in the picture, it was easy for me to forget about his existence and move on with being a parent. Those with exes floating in and out have a much tougher time of it than you or I.

    When Junior came along, there was a bit of jealousy, but remember there are a lot of things you can do with the older child that you can't do with an infant. That makes it a lot easier to make the older one feel special. Its even easier for you, than it was for me because he's a boy. I managed OK, but girls are different enough that I was plenty baffled at times.
    Last edited by Maxx; 19-Aug-2014 at 16:16.

  3. #3

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    Like Maxx said, he's probably feeling a bit left out right now because all the attention's on his new little brother. Try to make sure both you and his mother get some time away from the baby to do something fun with the older one, like arts and crafts or going to the playground. It may even help you bond with him a bit more. And a fair share of hugs and cuddles, if not from you at least from his mom, so he knows he's still loved and not forgotten about it.

  4. #4

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    @kimbastarshine thats not an issue. He gets a lot of love from both of us. I wanted to take him to the park a few days ago but he was naughty so we didnt go. I just dont like attention seekers full stop lol. Child or Adult I just cant stand them. I think thats what I find difficult to like about him.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffyboy View Post
    I wanted to take him to the park a few days ago but he was naughty so we didnt go. I just dont like attention seekers full stop lol. Child or Adult I just cant stand them. I think thats what I find difficult to like about him.
    Sounds like both Maxx Junior and #2 grandson at that age. Strong, fast, and intent on going their own way. Going to the park or mall? Potential disaster, because they'd bolt given half a chance. Junior we kept on a leash, attached to a chest harness. Daughter wouldn't let us leash grandson, so a firm hand on his collar was necessary near bodies of water or streets. Track shoes in case that failed. Still, both had things that would work to get their attention. Junior it was books, grandson loved paper airplanes.

  6. #6

  7. #7

    Smile

    DISCLAIMER: I've just re-read this and it sounds like I know what I'm talking about... or something. I didn't mean it that way -- I was just trying to add a few random thoughts and suggestions. I don't have kids myself (although I love playing with my niece and nephew, aged 2 & 4).



    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffyboy View Post
    my fiance has a 3yo... and I'm starting to dislike him. I thought I could love him like my own son but now I realize that I may not be able to. He's really putting on a show for attention and the more he does it, the further I pull away from him.
    Being 3 must be a stressful, overwhelming and confusing experience at the best of times, and kids need a lot of attention (as I'm sure you know only too well!).

    Even if a 3yo is being... well... an attention-grabbing arsehole(!), I think it's hard to blame them because, at that age, their personality is so undeveloped and unsophisticated. It's your responsibility as a (step-)parent to try to mould them into being a "nice" person.

    If I started playing up to get your attention, and you gave me a disparaging glance and left the room, I'd assume you weren't impressed. A 3yo might well think, "Hmmm... Obviously I didn't get her attention because I wasn't trying hard enough! I'll have to shout louder and makeher notice me!"

    And if you shout back, even if you see that as "negative attention", it's still attention. And if kids don't know how to get "positive attention", they'll seek out whatever attention they can.

    On the TV programme "Super Nanny" (where a psychologist/nanny tries to help a family with unruly kids), she always says to recognise the good behaviour by giving attention and praise and not giving attention to them when they behave badly. (Send them to the "naughty spot"!)

    I think it helps kids of that age a lot if they know what's going on (and why), and in what order things are going to happen. They can often be (relatively) easy to placate if you agree to do something, but not now.

    I've learnt how to manage my niece and nephew a little better when I was staying with my sister. My sister was cooking dinner, and I got up to lay the table. At that point both kids started dancing round me, trying to pull me one way or the other and pleading (or insisting!) that I play with them. Pretty much the same thing happened on two occasions. This is how it went. Both occasions started the same:

    Niece: Tiny, Tiny, Tiny! Come and play football with us!
    Nephew: Nooo! Play motorbikes!
    [kids grab a hand each, try to drag me in different directions, and as I try to shake them off, they end up bouncing excitedly around me, getting in my way, whining and descending into tantrum]
    Me: No; sorry. I've got to lay the table for dinner.
    Both kids: *whine*, *whinge*, Pleeeeeeeease! I want to do X, play Y nowwwwww!

    Occasion 1:


    Me: No; I've got to lay the table now. Can you get out of my way?
    Kids: *scream*, *sob*, *tantrum*, *wail* [and still in my way!]

    Occasion 2:

    Me: No; I've got to lay the table now otherwise mummy will have to put the food straight on the table without any plates! And we won't have any cutlery, so we'll just have to eat like animals! [I shove my head down, and do an impression of eating food off the table] And we don't want that, do we?
    Kids: [giggling] Nooooo!
    Me: So I've got to lay the table now, but if you want to get [very small toy or doll], we miiiiight have to have a quick game while we sit at the table and wait for dinner. Would you like that?
    Kids: Noooo! I want X...
    Me: Well I'm laying the table now, so if you want to play with X before dinner we can, otherwise we'll do nothing.
    Kids: [Quietly slink off to bring their toy to the table and wait for me]
    I don't know if that helps at all...? Probably not! You can't script family life!

    I hope you work it all out. Apart from the basics, the only thing a 3yo needs is a lot of love and affection. And it sounds like he's craving a lot, even if he does get more than a fair quota already.

    It'd be really sad for both of you if you really did end up disliking him...

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffyboy View Post
    Hey all, I have just had my first child. He's so awesome and I love him so much. Besides my wonderful fiance, he is the best thing I ever experienced. However, my fiance has a 3yo to another sperm donor (who bailed early in the pregnancy) and I'm starting to dislike him. I thought I could love him like my own son but now I realize that I may not be able to. He's really putting on a show for attention and the more he does it, the further I pull away from him. Anyone been in this situation?
    I would recommend the book by Ross Green "The Explosive Child" It has some tips for dealing with kids with special needs, but there is a lot that would apply to any child or in my case help me deal with the kids better.

    If you do not want to take the time to read the book There is a synopsis of the book in the group "School House Rocks ADISC" titled collaborative problem solving.
    It takes a little work but if you get him to use his words then you can help him out in a better way.

    Also remember that his world has just been totally trashed and he does not have the skills to understand why or tell you what he is feeling. Hang in there, even at 9 my step son still acted out even though we where telling him the whole time that it was going to be hectic.

    Good luck and attempt to get some sleep. Remember your whole world has just been turned on its ear also!

  9. #9

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    [QUOTE=tiny;1218884]DISCLAIMER:

    I've just re-read this and it sounds like I know what I'm talking about... or something. I didn't mean it that way -- I was just trying to add a few random thoughts and suggestions. I don't have kids myself (although I love playing with my niece and nephew, aged 2 & 4).
    Ironically, you have pretty much the same qualifications any of us have when we first reproduce.




    If I started playing up to get your attention, and you gave me a disparaging glance and left the room, I'd assume you weren't impressed. A 3yo might well think, "Hmmm... Obviously I didn't get her attention because I wasn't trying hard enough! I'll have to shout louder and makeher notice me!"

    And if you shout back, even if you see that as "negative attention", it's still attention. And if kids don't know how to get "positive attention", they'll seek out whatever attention they can.
    Not every kid is this way, but #2 grandson certainly was (Now he's a teenager... his mother is getting payback in spades for her behavior wau back when)



    On the TV programme "Super Nanny" (where a psychologist/nanny tries to help a family with unruly kids), she always says to recognise the good behaviour by giving attention and praise and not giving attention to them when they behave badly. (Send them to the "naughty spot"!)
    Generically true, but not always. Grandson #2 mostly didn't care. Good attention, bad attention, it was all the same, and he was going to do what he wanted regardless.



    I hope you work it all out. Apart from the basics, the only thing a 3yo needs is a lot of love and affection. And it sounds like he's craving a lot, even if he does get more than a fair quota already.

    It'd be really sad for both of you if you really did end up disliking him...
    Ditto that. More important, hope you manage to keep your own sanity while he sorts himself out.

    Note: #2 is actually a pretty cool kid, I'm just glad I don't have to live with him 24/7. Grandson #1 acted grown up pretty much from day 1. Maxx Junior settle down by the time he hit school. Daughter (mom of grandsons) was fairly easy to deal with until puberty hit, then all hell broke loose. Bottom line is, they're all different, and the vast majority turn out OK even if you make some mistakes along the way. Do your honest best, and it should turn out...eventually.

  10. #10

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    I have to agree with Maxx. Much of it is the age. I have two grandsons, one three/almost four, and the other, six years old. The six year old has become a delightful child, but he wasn't when he was three and four. Those are tough years because three and four year olds are suddenly aware of themselves and will assert their terribly immature will. They grab things an smash them on wooden tables. They will want to start power tools, and they will want to take their older or in your case maybe, younger siblings things. It's just a tough age.

    Remember that this child is exactly that, a child. He didn't ask to be made, and certainly didn't ask to be abandoned by his birth father. You have the opportunity to be a wonderful influence on his life. You can give him an amazing future.

    My wife and I adopted her 12 year old nephew when we moved to Virginia and he has been a blessing in our lives. He went from welfare poverty to now, a school principle holding both his undergraduate degree and a Masters. You can make a big difference in this child's life, and remember, he's just a little child. He needs you.

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