Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Paranoia

  1. #1

    Default Paranoia

    So i am in a steaming pile of hot mess. I have always had troubles sleeping, i would be lucky if i lay motionless in bed for half an hour before i fall asleep, i have been laying in bed for a total of 5 hours, trying to go to sleep, not never being able to.

    But here is where my problems start, I always try to find a way to stay awake, looking for a new show to keep me hooked over the night, trying to adjust myself to the american timezone, because well, most of my friends live in america even though i am far up north in Iceland. But i often am woken up around the same time in the afternoon since my parents don't want me to sleep that long. But then i get tired, i am groggy when i wake up but sometimes that just lasts the morning and then that is done.

    I must admit, i stay awake over a whole night way to often, i try to pry myself awake because i don't want to lay there for hours at a time, only to wait for an empty blackness that takes the night away. I extremely rarely dream, the last time was when i was 12, and that nightmare is something i don't want to talk about.

    So i try to stay up as long as i can, but if i go too late to sleep then my parents might start to think that i stay up all night, and then there is the option for them to unplug the internet at night. This might be a good idea... but... Then i have no choice but to lay there, hours on end and hope that i fall asleep anytime soon and don't just lay in the bed for nothing.

    So i have had the house for me and me alone for the past week because my parents were out of town for the week. So that gave me a free time to wake and sleep whenever i want, but, i still have to without a social life, my friends tell me 'oh, that is nothing new that your are tired, come on' but when i am tired, i have a really really short fuse and an become hostile just because of something trivial, and then i can start being mean without the ability to think clearly and that just makes them hate me.

    But we all know what can come with sleep deprivation; Paranoia, hallucinations, even can lead to death if prolonged more then 3 days. Which has yet to come, i just went for a walk to get myself some dinner (Burger at a local shop), the paranoia was killing me, i had to look behind myself and around for anyone that might be following me for whatever reason, and the funniest is, i have no reason to think that. Sure, some people hate me, but none at that level, no one has any reason to kidnap me because... well... my parents aren't poor but they aren't the richest either so they have no point in it, still i have to look over my shoulder every two seconds just to make sure or this... this feeling inside me head starts to kill me.

    I was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome when i just turned 16, i hate crowds, noices, unknown people, or just anything that is out of my control. I have a vivid imagination so that whatever paranoia pops up in my head, i automatically think out 20 scenarios of what and how that might happen, only to worsen it.

    Also with other people, i have little to no boundries... mostly because they are unknown to me, they are supposed to be common knowledge but how the hell would i know something if i have never heard it or anyone has told me? Yet people expect me to.

    To put it a bit symbolical, but it like this, you are standing on a field and you can only walk either straight forward or diagonally, you have to keep moving forward at all costs, no straight horizontal turns or turning back. Now you know that there is a line somewhere in front of you, but that line is irregular, it is not a straight line, sometimes it goes outwards and near you and sometimes it takes a dive inward and thus making you have to walk closer to it in order to find it. But on the other side of that line, is a minefield, if you step across that line you are in constant danger of blowing up. And you have to either step right across that line or near it or else just keep your mouth shut and don't talk to anyone ever so you won't insult anyone ever. But if you cross some line you didn't even know you were there and people explode in your face, then it is suddenly your fault that the line was buried under 2 meters of dirt and gravel without anyone even hinting that the line was there.

    Sure, others can educate you and show you some spots of those lines, but then again when you get to tired, it is like trying to find it in a snow storm, there is little to no visabillity and there has blown some snow over the lines you have discovered, making them a lot harder to see.

    I know a lot of people don't have a clue where i am going with this, so let me keep it simple, you don't know how to act and when to act, and if you decide to do, people might blow up in your face.

    When i am tired i kinda lose the control to think over what i want, my brain goes to think about how all these people hate you and how even your best friend that has always stood up for you and has never, ever in the decade and a half you have known him, and makes you start to think how he hates you, how he has always get enough of you and the really hates how he always has to stand up for you, and how he never visits you because he hates you and the the obvious reason that he works 13 hour shifts as well as having loads of other friends and also being a black belt in Karate.

    Then there are the friends that you really hate and they kinda hate you back but you still hang together. I really have 2 best friends, i am apart of 2 friend groups, both hating eachother. So in the smaller group, there is this kid that is 2 years older then me and was really there for me sometimes i was bullied at school, but one of his best friends is an obnoxious asshole that does whatever he wants. Kinda like me, now that friend and obnoxious asshole are always together, and that asshole is always putting you down, always calling you extremely stupid because you failed 10th grade do to stress and bullying so i was stuck in self loathing instead of actually studying, and he calls you stupid for that reason, every time. Always when anything happens, if he loses something or something bad happens, he always yells at you, even with 20 people in the room, he yells at you, most of the time you just shifted your seat because your ass is hurting and he starts yelling at you to be careful and not do something that he claims that i have done.

    This kind of self rightious assholes are the worst, they are always right, even if you have documented evedance from 3 different people and 20 different websites excluding wikis, and when he see that you are right he gets mad at you because his knowledge wasn't up to date.

    I have just simply gotten enough of it, i have long dreamed of when i move away, i am going to move to a deserted cabin somewhere in the wilds if iceland far from anything and anyone.

    There was such a man, he moved up to the country site because he had gotten enough of people, he lived alone and hadn't seen anyone in over 20 years until the media got hold of him. By this time, he could barely talk, he could make some audible noises that resembles words but understanding him was impossible, if you want to check it out his name was Gísli á Uppsölum.

    I just need some help guys, the logical thing would be to go see a professional but that is neither easy to keep private from the folks you live with nor is it cheap. I have never really held a job, mostly because i have never applied for a job, most jobs are noisy and have strangers to deal with, not something i am very fond of. So i would have to ask for funding from my parents, seeing that i am an adult they break out the usual excuse, 'You are an adult so you fund it yourself.'

    Though there is a high chance they will fund it for me because this is my mental health we are talking about, not some thing i wanted to buy. But my mom is probably even more paranoid that i am, always when anything happens, she starts asking so many god damn questions. Even if i have been with my friends for several days in a row and then they have to go to work and i am home all day, she starts to ask questions about why i am not with them and immedietely jumps to the conclusion that something came up between us and starts asking me what happened, when the truth is that work happened.

    My mom has always taken things way too far, and by taking things way to far she makes me what i want to be the least of all. Trouble, i don't want to be trouble to anyone,and i don't want any trouble to myself. If i would go ask my mom for money to go see a shrink she would ask me why and how and when and why over and over again, not stopping until i tell her ever little secret of mine when, oh! more trouble, she really does make a mountain out of a ant hill, she would force me to go see a shrink telling me it is all confidential but then start asking questions about what we talked about in there because 'she is my mother and has the right to know'.

    It is just all so very very tiring and i have been rambling on way longer then i expected, i just want a way out, just some way to end it that does not involve notifying my parents of tying a noose around my neck. The latter sounding more appealing then the first sadly...

    I fear that many people will just close this post when they see the length of it, and those who just skim over it and then comment "Hang in there!" which is not really helping, actually just making things worse.

    Please... just if there is anyone out there who cares about my problems, please help me, god knows i need it

    Ps: I am not a religious person so telling me i will be in their prayers or telling me to pray to god about it, i am afraid it will fall unto deaf ears

  2. #2

    Default

    First of all, so I can get a better mental image of you, how old are you? If you don't want to give a specific age, then something like "early 20's" is good enough.

    I am the father of an Asperger teen. He is on medication. Are you? When he forgets his meds his mood swings are quite unbearable. I completely understand you when you say noise bothers you. It bothers our son too and school is not easy for him.

    I also had (RIP) an overbearing mother who would only let me shut my door if I was changing clothes and I'm sure she was in my room more than I know. I say this as your mom seems to be similar.

    Sleep is very important to one's well being. When I don't get enough sleep I get grumpy, too. Headaches also happen. Our son, when sleep deprived is also moodier than normal. Why do you feel the need to stay up until America's time zone? That's taking away from your sleep right there and having a set wake up time makes it worse. Are you allowed to take naps? Even 15 minutes might help. Also, for sleeping better there are several herb teas for calming you down for sleep. There is also melatonin which helps my wife sleep. This was frowned upon by others in another thread, so it may not be best for you. Reading helps me fall sleep sometimes. Experts say to stay away from electronic media to get better sleep. Daytime activity is also good. You said you went for a walk - that's good! Do you do other activities?

    You say you hang out with friends some of whom don't really like you. Are there places to make other friends? Are there classes to take that interest you at a local school? Some schools here have continuing education classes for such things as computers, magic tricks, music, acting, etc. You could meet others there that you have more in common with.

    I'm not familiar with the healthcare in Iceland, but why do you need your mom's permission to see a counselor? I understand travel and money but there are free or low cost clinics here and public transportation to get you there. How about there? Your mom should understand that if you're having problems that she doesn't need to know what you talk about. What would happen if you didn't tell her? It is what we call here patient/doctor confidentiality. You are an adult and you need to put your foot down and tell her in a nice way that your private discussions are for your own mental health sake and none of her business. She's paranoid that you are talking about her.

    I hope I have helped a little at least by maybe getting to know you better. Please answer my questions and respond when you get a chance. We are a support community and try to help each other as best we can.

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by zipperless View Post
    First of all, so I can get a better mental image of you, how old are you? If you don't want to give a specific age, then something like "early 20's" is good enough.

    I am the father of an Asperger teen. He is on medication. Are you? When he forgets his meds his mood swings are quite unbearable. I completely understand you when you say noise bothers you. It bothers our son too and school is not easy for him.

    I also had (RIP) an overbearing mother who would only let me shut my door if I was changing clothes and I'm sure she was in my room more than I know. I say this as your mom seems to be similar.

    Sleep is very important to one's well being. When I don't get enough sleep I get grumpy, too. Headaches also happen. Our son, when sleep deprived is also moodier than normal. Why do you feel the need to stay up until America's time zone? That's taking away from your sleep right there and having a set wake up time makes it worse. Are you allowed to take naps? Even 15 minutes might help. Also, for sleeping better there are several herb teas for calming you down for sleep. There is also melatonin which helps my wife sleep. This was frowned upon by others in another thread, so it may not be best for you. Reading helps me fall sleep sometimes. Experts say to stay away from electronic media to get better sleep. Daytime activity is also good. You said you went for a walk - that's good! Do you do other activities?

    You say you hang out with friends some of whom don't really like you. Are there places to make other friends? Are there classes to take that interest you at a local school? Some schools here have continuing education classes for such things as computers, magic tricks, music, acting, etc. You could meet others there that you have more in common with.

    I'm not familiar with the healthcare in Iceland, but why do you need your mom's permission to see a counselor? I understand travel and money but there are free or low cost clinics here and public transportation to get you there. How about there? Your mom should understand that if you're having problems that she doesn't need to know what you talk about. What would happen if you didn't tell her? It is what we call here patient/doctor confidentiality. You are an adult and you need to put your foot down and tell her in a nice way that your private discussions are for your own mental health sake and none of her business. She's paranoid that you are talking about her.

    I hope I have helped a little at least by maybe getting to know you better. Please answer my questions and respond when you get a chance. We are a support community and try to help each other as best we can.
    Thank you for the response Zipperless, i wasn't sure if anyone would even read that.

    I am in my early 20's, i have come across the site in the past when i was too young to enter, but my experience with DA just made me think that the same thing would happen again here, so i waited a bit and now i found this site again when i was of age

    I am not on any medication for either my Aspergers or my ADHD (i kinda forgot that but there is talk that my ADHD is misdiagnosis for my Aspergers so i didn't include that). My mom has always been about more alternative medicine, not really herbs and stuff, but more like 'you are what you eat' stuff.

    My mom was overweight so she started a eating program called Graciet (or something like that) and she couldn't eat wheat flour or milk or anything like that. She is very "You can't have meet because there are preservatives in it" and stuff like that, just because my younger sister is allergic to Sodium Nitrate doesn't mean that i can't eat meat. She also wanted to cut all Gluten (as everybody is doing now appearantly) from my meals but never got around to it

    Her... well kinda paranoia with us eating bad foods have let to a bad thing, the only thing, the only. that you can eat besides for dinner, is bread and stuff on bread. Breakfast; Bread. Lunch: Bread! Supper (between lunch and dinner) BREAD! it has been going on for several years now, she doesn't like cereal so she cut it out from out diets and even if we buy our own she gets mad because then my special little sister will want some too.

    As for almost free councilers, there are some that offer it for free at school, but they have always been very... active about reporting. Doctor/patient confidentiality mean little to my mom, to her it is Doctor/Patient/YouLiveAtMyHouseSoYouAbideMyRules confidentiality. I would move out at the first chance i would get, but then there is money problems.

    As for other activities, i bicycle a lot, this Wednesday i felt so bored i went out and went 33KM (20-25 miles give or take), i do that a lot but you can't trust the weather in Iceland. "If you don't like the weather in Iceland, just wait 5 minutes" Bear Grylls once said when he came here, and it is true. we have had, on multiple occasions, a snow storm in the summer, i was in the east, for east almost the eastern edge on vacation with my parents in june, and we hit a Blizzard, a Blizzard, in my summer vacation.

    And when you talk about transport, it isn't free here, there is an almost 3$ fee for each ride with each bus, we have a thing called Exchange Tickets so we have free to all other buses until the ticket runs out, which is usually one and a half hour, maybe 2 at best. So a half an hour to 45 minute bus ride, maybe an hour of therapy and then waiting for the next bus that doesn't come but every half an hour so you might hit beteween and then you have to pay again, that is 6$ for that day alone plus all the other expenses, it is just not money i have on me. at any given time

    And the reason for me adjusting to the american time clock, i am okay on a lot of sites like these where everybody i know is from the U.S, so to have to have more time, adjust to their time

    Okay that is all i have time for riight now, my friend just arrived. See you later

    -Zenka

  4. #4

    Default

    Me and you are quite the same. I can also lay in bed for hours and not fall asleep. I have tried numerous ways to try and fall asleep and few work but also have its side effects. I literally have to be dead tired with my eyes trying to shut before I sleep.

    I also think I have ADHD, but I've never had the opportunity to get a diagnosis. Too much money to waste. I think depression trickles in as well.

Similar Threads

  1. Roommate Paranoia
    By BabyBirch in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 21-Jan-2012, 07:56
  2. PaRaNoIa
    By jaxz in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 29-Sep-2010, 10:54
  3. Paranoia Agent
    By Corri in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 19-Apr-2008, 19:06

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.