Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20

Thread: It doesn't work, folks.

  1. #1

    Default It doesn't work, folks.

    Hey everyone,

    As some of you may or may not have noticed, I haven't been on here for a while.

    Oh I can assure you, it hasn't been for sheer lack of being busy. Truth be told, I did move a few weeks ago, but that didn't take a whole lot of time. My social life is as free as it always has been. Nothing changed with my employment. I have actually felt more freedom, honestly, more liberated. It is rare anymore when a 22 year old can get out and have the means to live independently.

    Before I bore all of you by being extremely redundant, let me cut right to the chase. I tried a great purge. It failed. Now I'm back.

    Allow me to explain myself. Before "The Great Purge" occurred, I was really into my AB/DL side. I had about 20 diapers on hand, not to mention a stock of about 37 Goodnites, both boys and girls. I had two pacifiers, and had even invested in some baby powder. I was leaning heavily into the whole "Should there be an LB category" here on ADISC. It seemed as though I had finally came to terms with who I was. It felt incredible. The sky was the limit.

    Then, all of a sudden, the dam burst. The guilt trip gates threw themselves wide open, and out of nowhere, it seemed, I was hit with a wave of remorse. I looked at my stockpile, and was all of a sudden disgusted with myself, and who/what I had become. I almost visualized myself as a monster. I grabbed all of my stuff, and tore it up. Ripped it to shreds. I cut up my pacifiers. I threw it all away, and it was gone, it seemed. Gone out of my life. Gone forever, like a great weight had been lifted off of my chest. I felt better.

    But yet, it seems, things have a funny way of working themselves out. For the last four months, I felt that there was a small part missing. Almost like I had intentionally ripped out a piece of my heart, and burned it. In a weird way, I felt insecure. But why? Why after all of that, did I feel funny?

    As I sit here, typing his, I just ordered some Bambino Classico diapers. I also ordered a really swell pair of tie dye footie pajamas, and I can't wait to wear the two together. I can almost feel how incredible it will be.The truth is, I can't answer why I felt I had to go through a great purge cycle. I don't know why I feel that I am on the verge of a binge. I just can't answer those questions.

    What I can do, though, is re-embrace the side of myself I once knew and loved. No matter how long it lasts. I feel a new wave breaking, a wave of joy and peace. I feel like running into it and falling into it.

    I do need to apologize, however. To myself, and also to all of my friends and family on here. For thinking that I was above wearing diapers, and acting like a baby again. For being a self righteous hypocrite. For thinking that I could beat down this part of myself, and hide it in a deep, dark hole. It wasn't fair to me, and it wasn't fair to any of us who truly embrace this lifestyle and consider it a part of our being. I truly am sorry.

    I am back on ADISC now, for the first time in 4 months, and intend on picking things up right where they left off. Jumping into some discussions, talking about our day to day routines, our jobs, family, etc.

    I'm back now. Hopefully to stay.

    DareYouToMove.

  2. #2

    Default

    I wouldn't sweat it, unless you said something particularly nasty on your way out the door last time.

    I've begun to think that this sort of thing, the Big Purge, the severe guilt and subsequent backtracking/running away from something you desire (royal you, not specific you), the retreat into the closet, all of it are an integral part of the process of coming to grips with ourselves. Donald Rumsfeld, during the buildup to the Iraq War, talked about Known Knowns, Known Unknowns, and Unknown Unknowns. He took a fair bit of flack for it, but it's actually a great concept when you realize what he meant.

    And I think that concept carries well into what those coming to grips with some part of themselves-gay people coming to grips with being gay, ABDLs coming to grips with diaper desires and the like, transgendered people coming to grips with all that entails, et cetera. During the process, there are things we know that we know-we know we like diapers, we've liked them for however long, we enjoy other facets of the ABDL lifestyle. There are things we know we don't know-how friends and family will react to the news, why we have our desires, how we'll feel if we experience some particular fantasy. And there are the Unknown Unknowns, the things we have no idea even exist, the things that so far from our experience/knowledge/frame of reference that we cannot identify them, speculate about them, or even in some cases yet perceive them when they're happening to us.

    I think the Big Purge (and its various forms, names, and trappings) and what comes afterward fall into the Unknown Unknowns. Sure, one might know that people purge, but I don't think anyone can really understand what goes into it until they experience it. I am very confident that no one can understand the impact such an experience will have until they've had the experience. Further, I would assert that one cannot conceive of "the other side" of the Big Purge. It's an Unknown Unknown. Those sorts of experiences, the emotions and desires and sensations that come along for the ride and the new ones that manifest during it, how we react to those new stimuli-these are things that, as they're happening for the first time we cannot understand them or even identify them or perceive they're happening to us. It's only after we've had an experience and all that comes with it that we have new pieces of the map revealed to us and can begin to process what that might mean to our journey.

    Two anecdotes to clarify: One was when Mr. Aurkarm and I were house-hunting several years ago. We had an idea of what we wanted-a ranch style house, three bedrooms, certain locations. I knew I did not know what finishes I wanted or flooring or what things I would look at as a worthwhile project or would stop me dead in my tracks. But then, I looked at the house that we eventually bought and now live in. It turned out to be a two-story, filled with original vintage finishes and fixtures, and having things like a little nook in the upper part of the foyer with a leaded glass window that looks out over the corner we face into. This house has things that I had no idea existed, let alone that I would see them and fall so much in love. I grew up in a 1970s mobile home before my family moved into a very modest ranch style house built in the '80s with cheap builder-grade everything. I didn't know about vibrantly-colored 1930s tilework or leaded glass windows or coved plaster or dental-style sinks, let alone that I would love having them.

    A friend of mine recently entertained a guest, someone with whom he's been roleplaying with online in mature, shall we say, ways. From the perspective of our group of friends and I, this guest is obviously a transgendered person that is really struggling to sort it all out. Apparently my hosting friend and his guest fooled around a bit, which brought about all sorts of guilt and shame and bla bla blah from the guest. My friend was surprised by it. My assessment of it is that over the course of one weekend, the guest experienced very intense things that were probably literally inconceivable just a few days before. That's not something someone struggling with self-identity will be able to easily process and adjust to. The guest, in my estimation, was confronted with Unknown Unknowns. Those experiences will be integral to the ultimate self-determination, and the guilt and baggage that come along for the ride are necessary components. There will be some stuff in that baggage worth keeping, and a lot that eventually gets discarded.


    And I think you're in a similar position having just gone through a Big Purge. You've now experienced things you would not have even known to consider, and you'll have some baggage as a result. Now you get to sort through that, figure out what it all means, and dump what you no longer need. Self-discovery is as much dumping old baggage as it is picking up new experiences and perspectives.

    Anyways, I hope your new adventures and purchases prove to be fulfilling and enjoyable. Oh, and welcome back!

  3. #3

    Default

    Hi DareYouToMove. This seems like a standard part of our society and the effect it has on us. We are taught that diapers and acting young are only for babies.

    Therefore you feel the guilt. The only way of getting past this binge/purge cycle is accepting yourself for who you are and accepting that you are OK, in fact better than OK, you are as normal as the next person. Everybody has their own differences. Be glad that yours don't hurt anybody including yourself and embrace this side of you. There is nothing to feel bad about and therefore no need to purge.

    All the best

  4. #4

    Default

    Welcome back! We're glad to have you again!

    Be proud that it only took you one big purge to learn what you did. I didn't get it through my head until.about thirty. Not joking. And it takes a big toll on the self-esteem.

    It does take a lot of courage to return after leaving. My best advice is to take your time, and do things at a pace you're comfortable with. Overdoing it too quickly could trigger the purge feelings again. Try wearing your diapers for a little while at first. Gradually a bit longer. In a way, you're showing your mind that being an AB doesn't make.you a bad person. It takes time, but it's a good way to free yourself from a lot for heartbreak.

    Thank you also for coming back to adisc. Having friends.who do this too can be really helpful. It was one of the things that helped me beat the binge-purge cycle. We're always willing to talk and help someone out.

    Welcome back again! Enjoy being yourself; you deserve it!

  5. #5

    Default

    Welcom back! (Not in a contemptuous way but in a condolence way) No need for you to apologize for your absence.

    With that said: Absence is healthy. Over-indulgence can certainly lead to confusion and questions. Taking a 'break' is often healthy. I have done it many times. It gives one time to explore the inner-workings of the mind and evaluate what we are comfortable with.

    To adjudicate propensities for the odd desires we live with is not my style. I rather search to find consolation in knowing I am not alone in it. I can't encourage, condone, or simplify these urges but instead offer the realization that you have friends upon friends here in this silly world of kink.

    It seems you have relegated fact to fiction that these urges do not define us or dictate our lives.

    But.... Oh what wonder!

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by GoldDragonAurkarm View Post


    And I think you're in a similar position having just gone through a Big Purge. You've now experienced things you would not have even known to consider, and you'll have some baggage as a result. Now you get to sort through that, figure out what it all means, and dump what you no longer need. Self-discovery is as much dumping old baggage as it is picking up new experiences and perspectives.

    Anyways, I hope your new adventures and purchases prove to be fulfilling and enjoyable. Oh, and welcome back!

    Your words were so eloquently spoken, with wisdom and flair of one who has seen much, and experienced much. I thoroughly enjoyed reading through your entire post, and added to your rep. Thank you so very much.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by Adventurer View Post
    Welcome back! We're glad to have you again!

    Be proud that it only took you one big purge to learn what you did. I didn't get it through my head until.about thirty. Not joking. And it takes a big toll on the self-esteem.

    It does take a lot of courage to return after leaving. My best advice is to take your time, and do things at a pace you're comfortable with. Overdoing it too quickly could trigger the purge feelings again. Try wearing your diapers for a little while at first. Gradually a bit longer. In a way, you're showing your mind that being an AB doesn't make.you a bad person. It takes time, but it's a good way to free yourself from a lot for heartbreak.


    This was awesome too, and so absolutely true. When I first made the decision to come back, I was overwhelmed with feeling. It was kind of like a picking up the pieces feeling. Do I go all in, and try to rush headlong into everything 100%, or would that be a disaster? Ultimately, I settled on going back little by little... I started by wearing briefs again, and then I bought a sample pack of diapers along with a pair of footie pjs, neither of which I've worn yet. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, but I will say this... One thing I love about this site is the overwhelming amount of support that you get. It is such a blessing to know that I can come here and be among like minded people, and speak things which I ordinarily wouldn't speak to people I'm around in my everyday life. In an odd (or maybe no so odd) sort of way, ADISC is my escape from reality. You guys are all awesome.

    Also, 30 years old? You must have had an inner struggle inside of you for the longest time. Just assuming, really.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by ilostthesheriff View Post
    )

    With that said: Absence is healthy. Over-indulgence can certainly lead to confusion and questions.
    This was, in my opinion, a large contributor to my self collapse. (If so appropriately named)

  7. #7

    Default

    Purge phase ? It seems something like this. I tryed in the past a lot of times to eject my kink from myself, but it doesn't work... So there're only two options: Suicide me or enjoy... I selected the second one, about 10 years ago.

  8. #8

    Default

    Occasional purges don't apply just to diapers. Closets, hard drives, your car's trunk, desk drawers.....

    Sometimes you just need to reboot.

  9. #9

    Default

    As the line in Hotel california 'you can check out any time but you can never leave

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by parcelboy2 View Post
    As the line in Hotel california 'you can check out any time but you can never leave
    Stole the words right out of my mouth. 'CeptI would have quoted :

    And in the master's chambers,
    They gathered for the feast
    They stab it with their steely knives,
    But they just can't kill the beast
    Seems to apply to the wailing and gnashing of teeth, and especially the rending of garments.

    Bu seriously now.We have some differences, you and I. Yes I am older, dl, not ab

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.