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Thread: Finding a Gay Relationship

  1. #1

    Question Finding a Gay Relationship

    I've got a question for any gays on the site (specifically males in this case, but any and all advice is welcome).

    So I'm bisexual (at least I think?) and have been having some bad experiences with the opposite sex, which means I want to give guys a shot. However, I'm still in the closet about my interest in guys. I'm sure I would get support from my friends and family if I came out of the closet, but I just don't want to be viewed differently, which I think would happen despite what people say about not being judgmental. I just feel like people would treat me differently and I don't want to be treated differently if I'm living the same lifestyle. Granted I would be adding a BF into the equation if everything worked out, but other than that I want to just be viewed as the same person I've always been.

    So I'm caught in a strange balancing act: how do I go about letting certain people of the same sex know I'm interested without putting myself on blast for everyone around me to find out? Is that even possible?

    And how do you approach someone of the same sex who you know nothing about and let them know you're interested without freaking them out (assuming they're straight)? Is it one of those things where you have to suck it up and go for it, or is there some way to subtly go about showing your interest? Or should I just stick to people that I know are gay via some website like fetlife or something?

    I had a bad experience in high school regarding this one guy I was sort of hitting on (and crushing over REALLY hard) and I could tell I freaked him out a bit because I didn't hear from him since. So, that's basically my biggest concern. I don't mind hitting on another guy if I know he's interested, but how do I go about that without freaking some people out if I'm not sure about their orientation?

  2. #2

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    I live with my BF for 4 years now. And i don't recomend any of matchmaking portals. In my case guys meet via internet was not very nice expirience. Then i figured out that sooner or later i will meet right guy. The most tricky part is geting known about his preferences. but if you find nice guy and you not shure then just make friends with him. Even if later turns out that he is straight you can find valuble friendship after all That was in my case. About coming out ? All of my friends and whole family known about me. and it's not a big deal. But It case of coming out. Once again i just let things going. And for example I started to staying with my BF place for night. I Bring him to my home few times for dinner with my mother and brother. And then after few "Dinners" my mother and my brother realized what this is about. I don't recomend "Drama" coming out. In thoes cases you will have to be patient. About Other people ? Most of people dont bother them selfs about who do you love. Most funny thing about my relationship is that my mother and my BF some Times when we Visiting my mother. They fix them self a drink , and make jokes about me . And finaly the diaper Kink. This was very complicated in my case. boecouse i realized that i like that kind of activities, after i met my BF. So i have to tell him but then it's turns out that he is not in this stuff but if its make me happy he will tolerate this thing.

    So Conclusion is that i'am a lucky man. And if you let things happen you will get what you want. This is law of Phisics "If posibiliti of some fact occurrance is greater than 0 then it will hapen"

    Best Wishes
    Mr.Pollite

  3. #3

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    Alright...

    Despite being a straight-guy myself I none the less feel I can provide you with some answers...

    I guess there isn't ANY difference if you're looking for a woman or a man for a relationship - the same ideas, the same basics and the same risks are basically involved...

    However there is one thing I might add - I guess it's "self acceptance"... also this is rather universal and not really a LGBT-thing...



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    So I'm caught in a strange balancing act: how do I go about letting certain people of the same sex know I'm interested without putting myself on blast for everyone around me to find out? Is that even possible?
    Well here's the thing - when a straight guy is looking for a woman - he does NOT know whether she is straight, bi, lesbian, taken - interested in a relationship, etc... there's simply not much to tell unless you start to flirt / approach her.
    So there is indeed a big possibility that despite her possibly being straight that she has no interest in "you" or isn't looking for a relationship at any level, or is already committed.




    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    And how do you approach someone of the same sex who you know nothing about and let them know you're interested without freaking them out (assuming they're straight)? Is it one of those things where you have to suck it up and go for it, or is there some way to subtly go about showing your interest? Or should I just stick to people that I know are gay via some website like fetlife or something?
    Honestly, this depends on the person you're about to "hit" on... I've been hit on by gay guys twice in my time... and to be fair whilst I did not expect it I found it actually rather flattering. I mean don't be pushy... but I guess we live in a free world, and if the other dude isn't a complete moron he will let you know that he's not interested in a "normal" way.
    And again, same thing goes if I approach a women... she has to decide whether she's interested or not and communicate it.
    Whilst its never nice to get a know or even a "fuck off" - it is life... and without taking some risk you'll not gain anything.
    Dating sites - now unless it is primarily sex you are looking for I would NOT advice on FETLIFE... as it's a kink meet up with a predominantly sexual undertone to it... but to be fair, I'd say most NORMAL Dating sites offer you a choice of your preferences in terms of if you're gay, straight, etc... So why not give a good, well-established normal dating site a try if you want to. Other than that, just be friendly and open - if you see someone whom you would like to get to know personally, approach them, seek eye contact - try to establish communication... and if it goes all positive to that point ... why not try the classic drink invitation... and accept a no .... don't be "put down" by it... it will happen.





    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    I had a bad experience in high school regarding this one guy I was sort of hitting on (and crushing over REALLY hard) and I could tell I freaked him out a bit because I didn't hear from him since. So, that's basically my biggest concern. I don't mind hitting on another guy if I know he's interested, but how do I go about that without freaking some people out if I'm not sure about their orientation?
    Simply put: You can't know... that is of course unless you're in a gay-club, etc... But outside in non-specific surroundings - there's very little give-away unless someone really acts on his "role" in a very outspoken manner...
    Amongst my friends there are a few gays and lesbians... and honestly with all but one of them you will not KNOW about their sexual orientation under normal situations (OK, one has a BF now - so if we go to a restaurant and I bring my GF and he his BF it kind of is obvious - just as it is with me and my GF...) - but say you meet him alone, you wouldn't know. ...
    Well amongst my gay friends there is one who is really over the top flamboyant... to the point where its actually annoying as its always about his gayness . - so with him, well it's kind of like the biggest writing on the wall... and I guess unless you'd be blind and deaf - you WILL know that he is gay.
    But I guess even though he "stands" out and gets noticed (which I guess is what he wants) with the majority of gay folks you wouldn't be able to say just from looking.
    Same can be said about heterosexual people - unless they do something specific - it'll be hard to say for sure.

    Well that leaves you with the one thing: Try to find out.

    Now some people will possibly freak - one of my (straight) friends was freaked out when he got hit on by a gay guy at a bar.
    Frankly speaking I never understood that reaction - I guess it comes from a straight male fear of being labelled gay by having somoene who is homosexual approach you... don't know...
    But the chance of having a bad reaction from a women you try to approach with an interest, well the reaction can be just as off putting I guess.


    Summing it up I'd say the differences are minimal if you "work" normal surroundings.
    Now sure if you venture into a scene-gay-related club / event / pride... it would be a different situation.
    But if you're at a bar, see a guy whom you think is hot... same game.

  4. #4

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    You certainly have some good questions. I don't think anybody can answer them without knowing more about your situation. California has the reputation of being a liberal place to live, so I would hazard a guess that there are lots of open minded people around you, but that may not be 100% true.



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    I've got a question for any gays on the site (specifically males in this case, but any and all advice is welcome).

    So I'm bisexual (at least I think?) and have been having some bad experiences with the opposite sex, which means I want to give guys a shot
    I came out when I was a teenager (when opinions were nowhere near as open as they are now). I then realised that I was bi and now have an amazing relationship with my wife. I feel that it is the person you fall in love with and screw their gender.. Don't base your relationships just on gender, be open minded. People of the same and opposite sex can be great or not so great, it is not their gender that defines this. Having said that, a relationship with the right man can be pretty awesome.



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    I'm sure I would get support from my friends and family if I came out of the closet, but I just don't want to be viewed differently, which I think would happen despite what people say about not being judgmental. I just feel like people would treat me differently and I don't want to be treated differently if I'm living the same lifestyle. Granted I would be adding a BF into the equation if everything worked out, but other than that I want to just be viewed as the same person I've always been.
    Only you can know this, but in my experience, people do not base their whole opinion of you on your sexuality. When I came out it was a big thing, but it didn't change my relationship with my close friends (except the one I had a crush on, but we are still friends, just not the same friendship after I told him). You are still you after you come out and you don't have to explode out, you can do it very selectively if you trust the people you tell and ask them not to spread the news. It should not be a big deal.



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    So I'm caught in a strange balancing act: how do I go about letting certain people of the same sex know I'm interested without putting myself on blast for everyone around me to find out? Is that even possible?
    It really depends on who you let know. Some people would be totally cool and others would blast it from the rooftops. To start with I never had a relationship with a close friend, I found some gay friends and made relationships through them and their friends. I went to a group run by a friend of mine for gay men. They were more underground than they are now, but then I went out in to the gay clubs (not on my own, I wasn't brave enough) and met lots of gay men. I could do this without many people knowing and you could do this without anybody knowing if you wanted. Do you have any gay friends?



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    And how do you approach someone of the same sex who you know nothing about and let them know you're interested without freaking them out (assuming they're straight)? Is it one of those things where you have to suck it up and go for it, or is there some way to subtly go about showing your interest? Or should I just stick to people that I know are gay via some website like fetlife or something?
    I would never use websites to meet people, but I am sure others have different experiences. I would use my network of friends before looking elsewhere. As to asking straight men out, that is always a risk. They may be secretly gay and say yes, but more likely they will say no.. Then you have to think about their reaction.. Will they tell people to spite you or be cool with it. I would start by trying to meet other gay or bi men, but that's only my opinion.



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    I had a bad experience in high school regarding this one guy I was sort of hitting on (and crushing over REALLY hard) and I could tell I freaked him out a bit because I didn't hear from him since. So, that's basically my biggest concern. I don't mind hitting on another guy if I know he's interested, but how do I go about that without freaking some people out if I'm not sure about their orientation?
    Same here.. But I told him exactly how I felt. Not a good move. Better to play it cool to start with and not show your full feelings. That is if you tell them at all.

    Long reply sorry, but in summary I would say don't worry about gender so much, just meet a nice person and have a good relationship with them. If you want to try a relationship/experience with a man then try to meet somebody you know is gay to have your first experience or be introduced to other gay men. I hope that helps in a small way.
    Last edited by PyjamaBaby; 31-Mar-2014 at 21:32.

  5. #5

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    I think EPO1 is on the right track, except for too much emphasis on "bar". Meet someone in a bar, odds are better than average they'll be a drunk. If that's what you want, fine, just sayin'

    Finding a long-term relationship is like getting in shape, losing weight, learning a programing language, etc. Not a quick-hit sort of thing. Concentrate on things that you like to do or want to achieve, and observe the people around you doing the same thing. Your chances of success and long term happiness are better.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    I've got a question for any gays on the site (specifically males in this case, but any and all advice is welcome).

    So I'm bisexual (at least I think?) and have been having some bad experiences with the opposite sex, which means I want to give guys a shot. However, I'm still in the closet about my interest in guys. I'm sure I would get support from my friends and family if I came out of the closet, but I just don't want to be viewed differently, which I think would happen despite what people say about not being judgmental. I just feel like people would treat me differently and I don't want to be treated differently if I'm living the same lifestyle. Granted I would be adding a BF into the equation if everything worked out, but other than that I want to just be viewed as the same person I've always been.
    From my personal experience, both through coming out to my parents and also having witnessed other friends who have come out over the years, it's not something that generally influences people's long-term opinions of you unless they're bigots. It very much depends on how accepting your friends and family are. If they're quite open-minded people then I wouldn't worry too much about this. You will probably go through an adjustment phase where those that you know need a little time to process and get used to the idea. If your friends and family have known you for a significant amount of time, I wouldn't worry about them perceiving you any differently in the long term.

    I'm yet to encounter someone who automatically things I'm gay. Most never treat me any differently nor would I imagine they see me any differently. I've only seen changes in behaviour when the gay in question has invited it. If you suddenly start wearing tank tops, women's perfume and call everyone darling, expect to be treated differently. But maybe at some point you might want that? It has its advantages.



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    So I'm caught in a strange balancing act: how do I go about letting certain people of the same sex know I'm interested without putting myself on blast for everyone around me to find out? Is that even possible?

    And how do you approach someone of the same sex who you know nothing about and let them know you're interested without freaking them out (assuming they're straight)? Is it one of those things where you have to suck it up and go for it, or is there some way to subtly go about showing your interest? Or should I just stick to people that I know are gay via some website like fetlife or something?
    The internet.

    That was always my saving grace growing up. Meeting fellow gay ABs, and also the furry crowd helped expand the number of gay people I knew. I've found both my ex and current boyfriend through friends I met through the internet. I'm delighted to say, both are wonderful guys. If you don't feel comfortable with this approach, there will most likely be local LGBT organisations that hold meetings and social events. Equally, there's always the option of gay bars and clubs.

    Generally speaking it's impossible to get a date the way a straight couple would. Most of the people we might fancy are usually of the other persuasion. Asking them would be unnecessarily awkward for both parties. Try the unconventional ways I've list above . Unless of course you're willing to dress up in a camp manner! In which case you'll attract a lot of attention :P.



    Quote Originally Posted by BigKid25 View Post
    I had a bad experience in high school regarding this one guy I was sort of hitting on (and crushing over REALLY hard) and I could tell I freaked him out a bit because I didn't hear from him since. So, that's basically my biggest concern. I don't mind hitting on another guy if I know he's interested, but how do I go about that without freaking some people out if I'm not sure about their orientation?
    It's all about the situation. At an LGBT gathering it wouldn't be awkward. Equally, you're an adult now and while that was an awful experience to have had (bless you :<), I'd like to think that most adults wouldn't make you feel like that. If you're at college, people should be used to a bit of homosexual flirtation, as long as it's reciprocal. High school was just too early. The fact that I had a crush on a guy got out in high-school and I never heard the end of it.

  7. #7
    Pulluplover

    Default

    Easy enough, go online. Lowest exposure possible. I tried guys for a number of years, and am definitely bi-sexual. I am now married to the opposite sex, but it was a great experience and I met a number of great guys, all online.

  8. #8

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    You're lucky in that you're 20. Large universities and colleges often have gay groups. If you're not in college, you could go take a class and get on the inside, so to speak. I went to a music conservatory and half the male population was gay. Even in the late 60s, where being openly gay could get you put in a mental facility or jail, the gay part of the student body was quite open about it. I can only imagine it now. I guess what I'm saying is, go where there are gay guys.

    Most males are heterosexuals, so just asking random guys won't produce much, in my opinion. As for coming out, like you suggested, you don't have to do that unless you find someone who you really want to spend time with.

    As you know (I think), eventually my parents became suspicious when I only hung out with guys, during my college years. They didn't like my SO simply because he was a guy and not a girl. Then, during my first summer home from college, I would walk down the street to see this guy every day and night. I was so in love with him, even though I knew he was straight, so we've all been there. He was very kind to me, and treated me well. He simply wasn't gay. Life cane be cruel.

  9. #9

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    First if you think you are Bi you want to stick with other Bi guys at first.and there are 3x+ more Bis out there
    the mainstream gays can get very pushy.

    Do you have any nude beaches any where you could go to. that is a good place to hook up.

    Another place to check is Chapter Map

  10. #10

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    Im 36, didn't come out of the closet as bisexual till I was in my 30's. The internet is not an awful place for folks like us to meet like minded folks, you can also try going to places where your more likely to meet gay men, like bars and clubs, events. I wished I had explored this part of my life more when I was younger. I wish I had more advice but to be truthful Im awful at relationships

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