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Thread: need help dealing with depression, anxiety, and lonelyness

  1. #1

    Default need help dealing with depression, anxiety, and lonelyness

    I really need help dealing with depression. It gets bad for me, real bad, and nothing I do works very long.

    A bit of background: this past year i went through hell. My wife left me, she spent every day being cold and cruel to me till I could move out, and it made me suicidal for a while. A week before I move out we find out she's pregnant, as if my world wasn't upside down enough. So I move out and spend the next six months getting ready for the baby, then one day around September I get a text from my ex "the baby's gone, don't know how or why but she's gone" I was devistated and practically catatonic, I got to the hospital, tried to put things right with my ex (we had been fighting a lot) and so she threatened to kick my ass so I left. I returned the next day, and when I held my baby in my arms I broke down, I cried for weeks after that, I had been talking to a girl I liked and she helped pull me out of it. I met her in November (we live in different states) and I broke up with her in December when I found out she was a snobby bitch. I still cry for my daughter, and I'm extremely lonely living the single life. I still love my ex girlfriend but she's not right for me, but I can't let her go....

  2. #2

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    I am sorry to hear about the hard time you are going. I do not have anything that would be a big helper other then to let you know I have read your plea for help. The best thing I would say is that you should consider calling the local mental health hotline and talk to them. They would be able to guild you to the correct people to talk to and help get you the things that you need to deal with the very hard situation that you are in.

    I am sorry I can do more then this, and I hope you the best of luck coming to terms with the life situation you are experiencing.

  3. #3

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    I assume your baby died? We lost what would have been our second child. My wife is diabetic and so it was difficult to conceive and go to term. We now have three lovely children, but losing a child is devastating. Fortunately, we had each other and so we got through it. We decided to try again, and that worked out.

    Over time, you will be ready to try again, with dating. You will need to get your own house in order first, and it sounds like you will need professional help. Take egor's advise and find a professional psychologist who can help get you through this crises. We all have crashing points in our lives, but if we aren't with a significant other, it can be either very difficult, or impossible to move on. I hope you can find both.

  4. #4

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    I'm always on Skype if you need me. I may not be able to offer the best advice all of the time, but I can offer some good advice some of the time. And if I can't offer advice, I am at least someone you can talk to.

    But I am glad that you took my advice and joined ADISC, this is a support community, after all, and even though you may not always get the answers you are looking for, there will at least be someone here that can point you in the right direction.

    But I also second the advice the others have given, if normal social interaction between friends and family is no longer helping, then it may be time to seek a counselor, or even a life coach.

    But in regards to depression, anxiety and loneliness, the only real advice I can offer (that works for me) is to keep motivated and tackle one problem at a time. The more problems you resolve, the more your anxiety will lift, and stay sociable, sometimes we need to be distracted.


    And remember, we're all here for you.

  5. #5

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    Wow!
    I feel for you...I really do. My wife was the same way with me. Luckily she moved out. I get the feelings of loneliness. I don't miss the constant nasty comments and put downs and I don't miss my wife. It is still lonely and then you start to think about all the things you had planned for your life and no...its all gone, then it got bad. That's really what is hard. If this women you are feeling is still in your life think about this. Was she kind? Did she support you and listen? Did she do or say nice things for you simply because she cares about you? If the answers are no, then you are better off without her. My wife left about 6 weeks ago. Time does heal wounds and I've started to enjoy being without her. I have started to think about finding someone else.

    As far as kids are concerned. It sounds like you got to hold your baby and that is great. I stayed with my wife through all the lies deceit, and nasty behavior because I wanted to be there for my children. If you have a child and she is important to you...fight for her. Fight really, really hard and don't ever stop. Remember that if your ex is the only person in her life then she will grow up with your ex's values, attitudes, and behavior. Don't do that to your daughter. The influence you can have on that child will impact her for the rest of her life. If you ex is as bad as you say. Don't allow your daughter to be subjected solely to her influences.

    This might sound harsh as far as advice goes but the opportunity for you to be part of her life will slip by quickly if you don't act.

    My advice is to get involved, make sure your ex knows you are NOT going away, and what ever you say you will do...don't back down if it is helping your child, and don't back down from your ex.

    I also suggest you turn yourself to steel when dealing with the ex. Her GOAL will be to hurt you at every turn. Since you know that going into each situation be like a duck in rainstorm. Let it all roll of your back. Whatever she does, say, or makes you feel. Don't let her see it. Don't react. Don't post anything online or put in writing anything she can hold against you ( I think you fine here if you don't give up to much personal info).

    I devalued my wife's opinions and feelings when things got real bad. people can only verbally hurt you if you let them. When you see her, assume she is going to be an asshole. When she behaves like one...it will be exactly what you expect.. Try it a few times. These days I actually find my ex's behavior humorous. It is very predictable once you get your thoughts under control and accept the fact that she will not treat you well. Watch her and see her behavior as a stranger might, try to be objective when you watch her do the things you expect her to. No surprises, no behavior that isn't expected... no impact on you. See her for what she is, accept it, and keep your focus on helping your daughter. That includes helping her in the face of a bad influence...your ex.

  6. #6

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    Thank you all very much. Just being able to spill all this out has been more help than I have been able to get anywhere else. As for seeing a counsiler I've seen them several times through out my life they never seem to work. More than anything I need someone to confide in, most of my friends are dealing with a hell of there own so I don't burden them with my issues. And the girl I was dating after my wife left me, she was kind and sweet and even accepting of everything, but she has impossible standers, she wants a man who makes a ton of money, which I don't, we where talking at one point about living together, but because I can't afford an actual house she absolutely refused. On top of that she was damned determined to move to England. I still love her, I miss her a lot, and I often think about asking her to take me back, but she's not right for me

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by DavorinShadowfang View Post
    Thank you all very much. Just being able to spill all this out has been more help than I have been able to get anywhere else. As for seeing a counsiler I've seen them several times through out my life they never seem to work.
    This point I totally understand. The first one I went to was a waste of time and money. However I have had several very good ones, unfortunately do to the raising cost of malpractice insurance they can no longer afford to be in an open practice. I just lost one of the best ones I have has and am waiting to see what I get this time.

    It is unfortunate that you have to keep attempting to find one that you can work with, but that is the process that you have to go through.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by egor View Post
    This point I totally understand. The first one I went to was a waste of time and money. However I have had several very good ones, unfortunately do to the raising cost of malpractice insurance they can no longer afford to be in an open practice. I just lost one of the best ones I have has and am waiting to see what I get this time.

    It is unfortunate that you have to keep attempting to find one that you can work with, but that is the process that you have to go through.
    I had a couniler I liked and trusted she helped me through some of my issues, but 3 months before I turned 19 I lost my government health insurance (soonercare) so I couldn't see her anymore, and my family and I cant even afford my medical bills yet alone a counselor

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by DavorinShadowfang View Post
    I had a couniler I liked and trusted she helped me through some of my issues, but 3 months before I turned 19 I lost my government health insurance (soonercare) so I couldn't see her anymore, and my family and I cant even afford my medical bills yet alone a counselor
    That is another point that I can relate too. Trying to find a "good fit" in a counselor on a fee to ability to pay is even harder.

  10. #10

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    About being lonely,
    it is better to wait until YOU are truly comfortable with being YOU before you will be able to think about seeking any romantic relationship. I myself have been in a few, but I never really cared to get into these relationships in the first place.
    The main reason for this was that I didn't feel as if I was really, truly ready to give myself openly to the women I was with, and when I allowed them to push me into these relationships I could see that I would eventually leave them.
    I wasted my time and theirs, as inside I knew that I didn't wholeheartedly love them. I just wasn't in love with them as much as they were with me. They just thought I was because I went along with it, and I never cheated on them or even looked at another girl while I was with them (I don't believe in cheating under ANY circumstances). What I did though was WRONG and DECIETFUL I just didn't have the courage to stop them from pushing the relationship forward and moving in together.
    Don't make the same mistakes that I made, I am not looking for relationships at all, and I won't engage in sex because that is how these issues came about in the first place, when I am ready the right person will come around, or I will find her, if it is meant to be then it will be.
    Depression is something that I have had to deal with my entire life, but I do have friends that I can rely on to be there when I need them. Just going out to coffee once a week does an excellent job of letting me know that I am NOT alone in this world, and knowing that brings me more comfort than you can imagine. Doing something constructive with your time also helps immensely, it might be hard to get started but motivation and willpower are things that you have to WORK for, they just don't pop up on their own, and they cannot be wished into being if you are going to get them you must really WANT to get them. In this time of worry and depression help yourself to get through it. Nobody can help you if you don't help yourself. You can be offered or given all the help in the world, but if you aren't willing to do the work and walk the walk then nobody can help you.
    Set up a support system for yourself, get active with friends and family, doing this will help you to get things off of your mind for awhile and give you a respite from all of the focus your mind is giving to all of the negative things going on in your life. Do your best to stay positive, remember that life is 10% what happens and 90% what we make of it. Learn to do what you feel will really help you, stay busy and positive, exercise those things that help you to cope with life in a more helpful manner for yourself. Learn to be your own best friend.
    The people here have all been through some of the experiences that you have to one degree or another so they truly do sympathize with you, we cannot give you all of the answers you seek though, all that we can offer you is the compassion and empathy that we feel for the situation that you have at this time in your life, and offer suggestions that we feel might be helpful to you.
    What I say might be totally wrong for you, or it may not be something you care to consider, if so then ignore it, all it is is my two cents. I don't have all the answers, if I did I think that my life would be better than it is, it's still hard for me to accept myself over this desire for diapers I've had all my life. When these negative thoughts come into my head I have to tell myself "it is what it is" and just accept it. Yes I have to do this a LOT during my day, but it does help. I've just got to remember that life is life, and it is not easy for anyone, we all have our problems.
    The only thing that I can really do is let you know that I care, I wish we could go out for coffee and just talk, let you take a little breather for what you are dealing with at this point in your life. I do hope that there is something in what I've said that you might find helpful to you, in my life I only want to help others to the best of my ability, even though knowing that what you offer is the right thing is hard to know, I am not God.
    As far as your child goes it is going to be very hard to know what the best course of action will be for you, I can't even venture a guess. That is something that will be incredibly hard for you to figure out, but only you can decide what the right course of action will be for you to take. Your ex may keep you away from your child entirely and I know that that would be very hard to deal with, but it is a wait and see, only time will tell. You cannot force the issue without at least trying to offer the olive branch and seeing if a middle ground can be reached. Do your best to not inflame her anger any more than it is, only enmity and hatred can come from this. Keep as cool a head as possible while dealing with your ex, try to be the peace broker.
    I wish you all the best in this incredibly hard time in your life, you have a lot of strength in holding in there as long as you have. In time I'm sure that things will get better, hold on and keep fighting the good fight until they do.

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