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Thread: The Limits and Boundaries of Decency Regarding Fetishism

  1. #1

    Default The Limits and Boundaries of Decency Regarding Fetishism

    I decided to put this here because I wanted to have a fairly mature conversation. And I can't think of a way to broach the subject without causing some offense to someone, so I figured it fit best here. I have been on here, Fetlife, and seen many other places. And I am saddened a bit to see that a lot of people seem to not have any idea when to stop, or when it is best to leave fantasy as fantasy. However, I am just myself. I am trapped in my own head, which is fairly different from the norm. (Not referring to ABDLness here, but rather that I seem to think in different ways than normal) That means that I really can't use my own opinion to make a good baseline. However I really want to get to grips with this problem of people going well beyond what we might call "decency" or even "Public decency." So I have some questions, to help me figure out what the general consensus seems to be. I will answer my own questions, just to be fair.

    1} What is the line you draw for determining if something like BDSM, or spankings, or whatever else a person might fantasize about/act upon is wrong or unhealthy. In short, at what point does it go from "It is your life, and not my business" to "This has gone too far."

    2} What do you feel the limits are in private? If a woman likes BDSM and between consenting adults, she ends up with things like bruises, etc. that are visible, is this okay? I mean, bruises that are easily seen and not easily hidden. Is it right to disregard the worries of family members and such?

    3} What do you feel are the limits when doing things in public? I recently, without meaning to because someone on my "friends" list on Fetlife "loved" something, saw an image of a guy licking anothers penis, in a store or gas station isle. How far is too far?

    Now, for my own opinions, out of the interest of fairness.



    1} What is the line you draw for determining if something like BDSM, or spankings, or whatever else a person might fantasize about/act upon is wrong or unhealthy. In short, at what point does it go from "It is your life, and not my business" to "This has gone too far."
    I think for me, this line is when it affects the life too much, or becomes an obsession. If you can't live your life normally, or are thinking about it constantly during the day, it is probably getting unhealthy. If you spend your entire work day daydreaming and doing a poor job because you can't focus, something is wrong, and it needs fixed before it gets worse. If all your funding goes to it, to the point of neglecting food or bills or other issues, it is simply getting too far into the realm of obsession.



    2} What do you feel the limits are in private? If a woman likes BDSM and between consenting adults, she ends up with things like bruises, etc. that are visible, is this okay? I mean, bruises that are easily seen and not easily hidden. Is it right to disregard the worries of family members and such?
    I think that things in private are alright, so long as you are not becoming obsessed. But at the same time, they need to stay private. If my sister and her husband are into BDSM, and they do bondage and stuffs when the kids are gone and they have some alone time, that's fine. But then again, I feel that if she starts showing up constantly with bruises, it starts becoming everyones business in a way. Your family has a right to worry about you if you come to their home beaten to a pulp from your last session. More so, that private or not, it isn't right if someone is getting really hurt. There is a difference in stubbing a toe, and intentionally breaking it. If it starts causing physical damage worse than minor things like most bruises and scrapes, it's going too far.



    3} What do you feel are the limits when doing things in public? I recently, without meaning to because someone on my "friends" list on Fetlife "loved" something, saw an image of a guy licking anothers penis, in a store or gas station isle. How far is too far?
    I think that, for me, if it would make the average joe very uncomfortable and awkward to see, you probably shouldn't be doing it in public. If you live in a nudist colony, than the average joe near you isn't exactly bothered by a nude body, so perhaps sex behind a bush at the park isn't taking it too far. (though the idea still seems to push it.) However if you are pleasuring someone in an easily seen way in a gas station or a store, things have gone too far. I just think it's wrong to force someone to participate in your fetish/kink/whatever. This goes for ABDLs too. I have heard stories of ABDL's going into a crowded checkout line or some such, and intentionally messing in clothing that isn't at all going to help minimize the smell for a bit, but rather makes it worse. The idea just seems wrong. It's basically making someone else extremely uncomfortable, for your own temporary excitement. I just think that if it forces someone else to actively participate, or leaves them suffering consequences of your actions. (In the above case, being forced to smell and such the mess someone just intentionally made.) Many people want to go do kinky things in public, wanting to feel humiliated or embarrassed, or whatever else. But they never stop to analyze how it effects other people who are around them when they do whatever it is.

    What are your opinions?

  2. #2

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    I suppose it wouldn't hurt at all just to express my opinion about this. Hope it helps in some way.

    1. I think personally it's fine as long as you aren't risking more serious or irreversible damage to yourself. I mean, obviously just living means you are risking that.. but I mean greatly increasing that risk. A bruise here, a sore there, that's just fine.. just don't be risking broken bones or horrible muscle tears or anything super serious. If you follow that, I think what you are doing is perfectly fine and shouldn't be anyone's place to feel the need to get involved with. Obviously on the addiction side of health, if you feel you NEED it and can't go without it.. then you have a problem. Don't get to that point with anything that isn't required for life itself. It's just not the way to live.

    2. What you do to yourself really doesn't just affect yourself, as much as that can be a confusing concept to some. If you make the conscious decision to take your BDSM public by creating bruises on your body that are public, you also in my mind sign up for having to explain to people how you got it in the first place. It's not comfortable, but you shouldn't' be doing things that force the public to become involved if you didn't want the public involved. To me, the idea that your partner just went a little too far isn't really excuse for this one, because if your partner is going too far then you really should not be with that partner. It's not responsible, it's not safe, and it's honestly a little scary. Especially with BDSM, safety and trust is extremely important.

    3. Don't engage in sexual activity in the general public at all. This is just.. this is a big line. If you are risking at all the idea that a child could just walk in and catch you in that act, that is just a sickeningly large disregard for decency and honestly the safety of that child. If you must do it in a group setting there are meetings and get-togethers and other places you can go to arrange safe places for this. The public space however should be 'around-PG' level at most to respect the fact that children exist in the world at the very least, but no one who doesn't want to be involved should be forced to be involved. Any forced participation in a borderline-sexual act is creepy to me, and that includes just forcing people to see it.
    Last edited by gigglemuffinz; 28-Jan-2014 at 16:38.

  3. #3

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    I am not sure how involved the OP is with BDSM but I take part in these kinds of activities regularly. I feel I would like to answer the questions.

    Knowing when things have gone too far is a very personal thing, what is worrying for one person is exciting for another. Where one person sees failing at work because the are thinking about getting home, the next person feels burning passion that allows them to live a fulfilling life. I feel your answers are far to generalised and you need to go a little deeper. Some people do not base a successful life on making sure all their bills are paid or whether or not they are eating healthy food (of course if someone is not eating at all to accommodate a fetish, that may be a little far). Sometimes people devote their entire lives to a master or mistress and only get to eat when they are told to. I have seen people that have given up their jobs to make their masters lives better. There is more to this than meets the eye, the world of BDSM is vast and deep without boundaries. People will go to all sorts of lengths just to feel alive inside. You need to careful when using words like obsession in regards to people who devote their lives the their fetish, they would see it as a noble pursuit or their calling. You are right to mention at the start of your thread you will upset people.

    The only limit to BDSM in private is when a person has not consented or does not want the play to go that way. You cannot use your own standards or opinions to draw a line on what is acceptable. One person will see stabbing as going to far, another just wishes their partner had the bottle to do put the knife in further. There is no scale of what is acceptable, every person likes their own things and the levels to which they want to indulge. Also people will compromise to get what they want. One person may not like bondage but will give it a go if they get to whip the other persons feet. It comes down to how far you want to push yourself, I have seen some things that would blow your mind, the human body is a very resistant organism and you would be surprised how much you can put it through. Some people will literally put their lives on the line for their satisfaction and reaching sexual Nirvana. I think your comment about the bruises being public is not as black or white as you make out. I know of couples that have devoted their lives to their particular dynamic and part of this is to have publically visible signs of ownership. These have nothing to do with anybody else and if questions are asked they tell them to mind their own business. You are right to question these things if it concerns a loved one but you may also start insulting their relationship if you try to pry to much. Never underestimate how far people will go to find themselves.

    In regards to public sex - the phrase time and place springs to mind. The example you used is most likely completely inappropriate and could be damaging to vulnerable people. Again though this comes down peoples own minds and it is almost impossible to fathom what goes on in the mind of a perverted kinkster. I really feel that as long as you are prepared to deal with the consequences then you have freedom to express yourself. I am very careful in judging others actions to an extent that I feel they have gone too far because I know I am capable of some very extreme things and still have many to fulfil. I would never say a fantasy has to stay a fantasy unless it will hurt others that have not consented to it. So many public displays will most likely affect someone. You did mention that some people enjoy public humiliation and there is a fine line between making others laugh at you and disgusting them beyond reason, fine margins but still interesting to discuss.

    I just want to end by saying the mind is a wonderful place and putting limits on it because society finds something unacceptable is not a world I want to live in.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by DexxKizwizard View Post
    I am not sure how involved the OP is with BDSM but I take part in these kinds of activities regularly. I feel I would like to answer the questions.

    Knowing when things have gone too far is a very personal thing, what is worrying for one person is exciting for another. Where one person sees failing at work because the are thinking about getting home, the next person feels burning passion that allows them to live a fulfilling life. I feel your answers are far to generalised and you need to go a little deeper. Some people do not base a successful life on making sure all their bills are paid or whether or not they are eating healthy food (of course if someone is not eating at all to accommodate a fetish, that may be a little far). Sometimes people devote their entire lives to a master or mistress and only get to eat when they are told to. I have seen people that have given up their jobs to make their masters lives better. There is more to this than meets the eye, the world of BDSM is vast and deep without boundaries. People will go to all sorts of lengths just to feel alive inside. You need to careful when using words like obsession in regards to people who devote their lives the their fetish, they would see it as a noble pursuit or their calling. You are right to mention at the start of your thread you will upset people.

    The only limit to BDSM in private is when a person has not consented or does not want the play to go that way. You cannot use your own standards or opinions to draw a line on what is acceptable. One person will see stabbing as going to far, another just wishes their partner had the bottle to do put the knife in further. There is no scale of what is acceptable, every person likes their own things and the levels to which they want to indulge. Also people will compromise to get what they want. One person may not like bondage but will give it a go if they get to whip the other persons feet. It comes down to how far you want to push yourself, I have seen some things that would blow your mind, the human body is a very resistant organism and you would be surprised how much you can put it through. Some people will literally put their lives on the line for their satisfaction and reaching sexual Nirvana. I think your comment about the bruises being public is not as black or white as you make out. I know of couples that have devoted their lives to their particular dynamic and part of this is to have publically visible signs of ownership. These have nothing to do with anybody else and if questions are asked they tell them to mind their own business. You are right to question these things if it concerns a loved one but you may also start insulting their relationship if you try to pry to much. Never underestimate how far people will go to find themselves.
    Can't you argue that passion and devotion can lead to obsession which can be unhealthy? Isn't it not ideal to be so focused on only one thing at the expense of your own personal safety to where you are pushing your body and risking irreversible consequences? When you describe people who have devoted their entire life to a fetish, I can't help but feel like it's unhealthy if gotten too far. I'm not trying to offend and I feel somewhat bad for saying it, it's just honestly how I'm feeling and I'm trying to wrap my mind around what you are saying. I understand the thrill of it causes some extended sessions and the nature of BDSM means that the "master-slave" relationship is something that wants to exist 24/7 or it feels shallow, but I feel like there has to be an off switch sometimes. There has to be something more to life and a person, I feel.



    I really feel that as long as you are prepared to deal with the consequences then you have freedom to express yourself.

    AND

    I just want to end by saying the mind is a wonderful place and putting limits on it because society finds something unacceptable is not a world I want to live in.
    The mind is a wonderful beautiful place and I do understand where you are coming from. I myself have felt lots of feelings that we shouldn't limit the beautiful people we are so much, but I'm sorry but to me it feels like you are also painting yourself a pretty black and white picture. Involving strangers who have not consented in your sexual act at any capacity to me is wrong to me. Even BDSM if my own experience as it is is supposed to be all about consent and trust, so why is that okay to ignore for the sake of public humiliation or displays?, Although most of your stuff seems to agree when you say what you said in the first sentence I feel like it honestly discredits the whole thing. When you are in a place with other people it stops being about me, and starts being about we. If everyone had the freedom to do everything our world in the name of freedom our world couldn't exist the way it is now, where people are free to enjoy pleasures and their kinks in private at all. It would be anarchy and chaos, nothing more. A world where anyone can just do anything with complete disregard for other people is not a world I personally would want to live in.

  5. #5

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    My opinion? Don't. Have some respect for the world around you. Keep it private. Remember that 99% of the people don't get your kink, if they've even heard of it. Worse, you don't have the looks or shape to make it even remotely palatable to someone who doesn't get it.

    Nobody wants to see an overweight, balding guy in a too-short dress with a diaper peeking out. Its a bit much even for those of us who are into it. Your mental image of yourself is a lot different than what your reflected photons present to the world.

    Furs are a little different case. Disney and football mascots have at least made fursuits visible to the great unwashed. They'll still think you're wierd, but at least they've seen it before. And you're anonymous.

    Private activities? I'm not qualified to express an opinion, since I don't understand the thrill of bondage or things that leave bruises (as sexual activity, not sport. I get sport). Bear in mind that bruises are considered evidence of assault. Walk around with visible evidence of assault, you're almost certainly going to get questions, possibly from legal authorities. If you're ready with a smile and a glib, believable answer, you'll probably get by, but you'll still have to deal with the questions.

    Then there's the issue of your functioning in the world of employment. 10 interviewees for a position, one of them has bruises, suggesting questionable private life that may or may not spill over into the workplace. Unless you have a unique, valuable skill or knowledge that no one else does, you'll never get a chance to explain the bruises.
    Last edited by Maxx; 28-Jan-2014 at 13:37.

  6. #6
    CrinklySiren

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    1} What is the line you draw for determining if something like BDSM, or spankings, or whatever else a person might fantasize about/act upon is wrong or unhealthy. In short, at what point does it go from "It is your life, and not my business" to "This has gone too far."

    Honestly, on places like fetlife i think its perfectly fine for people to go as far as they want without breaching into the lands of fetishes like vore and amputee play and scat, things that are inherently dangerous, unhealthy or offensive. Its a fetish website... thats the whole idea of a fetish website... express your fetish without fear of judgement or disagreement. I draw the line at things like crushing, vore, animal torture, etc. But there is an art to things like fire play, knife play, blood play, needle play etc. I may not fully understand the desire behind it (im not into any of that) but having spoken to many people in the fetish world, i've learned that ABDL is not the only fetish that can also be "non" fetish... Many BDSM people as well as leather families, to them its an artistic ideal of self-expression, and not just 100% sex sex sex. There is of course a sexual aspect to all of it, but to a lot of BDSM people; things like blood or fire or knife play are a thing of beauty, a form of creation ~ and being an artist myself, i can fully understand that. I've noticed that its very common in the ABDL community (perhaps a result of having an inner child mind or having a fetish/lifestyle that is relatively "innocent" for all intents and purposes), to be very closed off or closed minded of other fetishes because of its "extremeness". I've met people with VERY strange fetishes, but just as people dont understand what we see in diapers and being babied, its possible for us to not understand others as well. What might seem extreme to us might seem normal to them, just as wearing diapers and being treated like babies seems normal to us, but extreme to a lot of BDSM people.

    2} What do you feel the limits are in private? If a woman likes BDSM and between consenting adults, she ends up with things like bruises, etc. that are visible, is this okay? I mean, bruises that are easily seen and not easily hidden. Is it right to disregard the worries of family members and such?

    There are certain things that warrant explanation, but only when it comes to worry... but if a woman or man likes to be whipped or spanked, and LIKES to have bruises... its their business whether or not they want to cover it up or let it show in public... Life is too short to worry about what the narrow minded public is going to think of such minimal situations. As an adult, if you feel its unnecessary to console your misunderstanding family members, then its your right as an adult to do so. My mom wanted me to go to therapy because of the existence of my inner child, and at this time i was already an adult... I'm not going to satisfy the worries of my mom just because she doesn't understand my lifestyle... If i say "I'm perfectly fine just the way I am, you have nothing to worry about." I would implore them to leave it at that lest they risk angering me. I make it clear that while its nice for them to worry, its unnecessary.


    3} What do you feel are the limits when doing things in public? I recently, without meaning to because someone on my "friends" list on Fetlife "loved" something, saw an image of a guy licking anothers penis, in a store or gas station isle. How far is too far?

    This is where a lot of people differ. While I have no desire to really consider the opinions of the societal masses, its worth noting that there are certain levels of decency and protocol that i would consider "just life", that must be followed for the sake of living in harmony or professional understanding. For example, as I've said in previous posts, I enjoy going out with a diaper under my skirt or dress, or even under my short shorts or leggings ~ I dont FLAUNT my diaper, but I wont go to great lengths (or really ANY lengths) to hide my diaper.. I'm not doing anything wrong by wearing a diaper and no one has to look if they dont want, but as long as it remains "underwear" and not "outterwear" i think its prefectly fine... Hell, even if i trip and my skirt flies up and reveals the entirety of my diaper, its not my problem whether or not that makes you uncomfortable; having said that ~ I wont go out in just a t-shirt and a diaper for the same reason that I wont just go out in a thong and a bra... there are levels of class and decency that keep the ideals of fun and professionalism in appropriate situations. However, I also see absolutely no issue with going out in a lolita dress or maybe some overalls, and a cute shirt underneath, with a pacifier. People might stare or mumble to themselves, but you arent breaking any rules of decency or respect, so to each their own.

    Here are the rules I follow when it comes to expressing myself in public:

    1. No nudity unless the setting allows of it. (i.e. nude beach etc.)
    2. No explicitly sexual outfits or behavior, unless the setting allows (i.e. raves, clubs, costume parties, beach parties, bonfires, munches etc.) just as you wouldnt go out dressed in a bikini to the mall, it would be irresponsible to go to the mall in a leather master outfit or a snap-crotch onesie. reasonable limits.
    3. Don't throw anything in anyones face, express yourself reasonably, and don't harass or confront anyone unless asked. (If I go out in short shorts and my diaper peeks out from the top, ,im not gonna worry about it or make a statement, but if someone chooses to ask me, im just going to be truthful and respectful about it.)


    But the problem with the blurred lines of public decency or indecency are also made more difficult by the following: Sometimes on facebook i will see joke pages put pictures of overweight women, wearing tight clothing; as a result, the comments will have lots of people saying that "fat people shouldn't wear tight leggings or revealing outfits", and then starts the argument of "she can wear whatever the fuck she wants!". But I will admit, that its not appealing to me to see an overweight person wear something revealing or something so tight that it borders on revealing... its not a gender thing... its not a fat-shaming thing... its a presentation thing... So where do we draw the lines at what's decent and whats not?

    Personally, I believe you are free to do whatever you want in public as long as its not explicitly sexual, doesn't harass anyone, and doesn't break any laws... otherwise, have at it ~ people might disagree or stare or feel "offended", but people these days are offended by the simplest forms of absolutely NOTHING and EVERYTHING... So if you're not hurting anyone, not harassing anyone, and not breaking any laws? Who's to say you CANT do something?... By that measure why dont we tell the naked performers in Time Square wearing nothing but a guitar to go "take a hike"?... In a more philosophical discussion ~ wouldn't it be worth asking WHEN we became so sensitive to nudity??? We are all BORN naked... back then nudity was no big deal and now I can't so much as be in my underwear without someone feeling like they have to look away for the sake of respect... The human body is a natural and beautiful thing, why must we hide it? Why don't we put clothes on primates while we're at it... if my friends want to cover up or change in private, i have no issue with it, but I'm not afraid to simply change outfits... what makes wearing underwear and a bra any different than wearing a bikini? and thats not even REAL nudity lol... I can't fathom the fear men have of accidentally seeing another mans penis.... Last time I checked, all women have boobs and vaginas, and all men have penises! What is SO strange about that? Like i said, if you dont like to be seen naked, then thats perfectly ok, but I don't understand this FEAR we have of the human body.

    Idk, if you ask me, humanity is too extreme a creature and they place ridiculous standards on ridiculous situations ~ just be you and follow the rules of decency and safety, after all the only person who's reputation or image you are going to be risking is your own, no one else should have a say in how you want to express yourself unless it is dangerous, illegal or abusive. But as I mentioned earlier, some things are "just life" and until humanity changes its skewed view of existence, we have to just abide (like the whole nudity thing)

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by gigglemuffinz View Post
    Can't you argue that passion and devotion can lead to obsession which can be unhealthy? Isn't it not ideal to be so focused on only one thing at the expense of your own personal safety to where you are pushing your body and risking irreversible consequences? When you describe people who have devoted their entire life to a fetish, I can't help but feel like it's unhealthy if gotten too far. I'm not trying to offend and I feel somewhat bad for saying it, it's just honestly how I'm feeling and I'm trying to wrap my mind around what you are saying. I understand the thrill of it causes some extended sessions and the nature of BDSM means that the "master-slave" relationship is something that wants to exist 24/7 or it feels shallow, but I feel like there has to be an off switch sometimes. There has to be something more to life and a person, I feel.



    The mind is a wonderful beautiful place and I do understand where you are coming from. I myself have felt lots of feelings that we shouldn't limit the beautiful people we are so much, but I'm sorry but to me it feels like you are also painting yourself a pretty black and white picture. Involving strangers who have not consented in your sexual act at any capacity to me is wrong to me. Even BDSM if my own experience as it is is supposed to be all about consent and trust, so why is that okay to ignore for the sake of public humiliation or displays?, Although most of your stuff seems to agree when you say what you said in the first sentence I feel like it honestly discredits the whole thing. When you are in a place with other people it stops being about me, and starts being about we. If everyone had the freedom to do everything our world in the name of freedom our world couldn't exist the way it is now, where people are free to enjoy pleasures and their kinks in private at all. It would be anarchy and chaos, nothing more. A world where anyone can just do anything with complete disregard for other people is not a world I personally would want to live in.
    This is a great debate.

    I am saying that people will make their own choices and do what they feel is necessary to forward their minds to where it needs to be. I disagree with trying to create invisible barriers for people to live up to. Maybe I do dream of a world with a little more chaos, society has it all wrapped up in a nice little box for us to live our lives by. Then you look to deprived places and see starving kids. I believe in the freedom for people to live their lives as they see fit but I do see how you could have read it as though I am creating a contradiction. I am not saying I agree with people who express themselves in public in ways most would deem disgusting, I am simply saying it will happen anyway. It is hard to expect everyone to live within the rules of society, or what it sees as acceptable, for example people still use crime knowing it is against societies rules.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by DexxKizwizard View Post
    I am not sure how involved the OP is with BDSM but I take part in these kinds of activities regularly. I feel I would like to answer the questions.

    Knowing when things have gone too far is a very personal thing, what is worrying for one person is exciting for another. Where one person sees failing at work because the are thinking about getting home, the next person feels burning passion that allows them to live a fulfilling life. I feel your answers are far to generalised and you need to go a little deeper. Some people do not base a successful life on making sure all their bills are paid or whether or not they are eating healthy food (of course if someone is not eating at all to accommodate a fetish, that may be a little far). Sometimes people devote their entire lives to a master or mistress and only get to eat when they are told to. I have seen people that have given up their jobs to make their masters lives better. There is more to this than meets the eye, the world of BDSM is vast and deep without boundaries. People will go to all sorts of lengths just to feel alive inside. You need to careful when using words like obsession in regards to people who devote their lives the their fetish, they would see it as a noble pursuit or their calling. You are right to mention at the start of your thread you will upset people.

    The only limit to BDSM in private is when a person has not consented or does not want the play to go that way. You cannot use your own standards or opinions to draw a line on what is acceptable. One person will see stabbing as going to far, another just wishes their partner had the bottle to do put the knife in further. There is no scale of what is acceptable, every person likes their own things and the levels to which they want to indulge. Also people will compromise to get what they want. One person may not like bondage but will give it a go if they get to whip the other persons feet. It comes down to how far you want to push yourself, I have seen some things that would blow your mind, the human body is a very resistant organism and you would be surprised how much you can put it through. Some people will literally put their lives on the line for their satisfaction and reaching sexual Nirvana. I think your comment about the bruises being public is not as black or white as you make out. I know of couples that have devoted their lives to their particular dynamic and part of this is to have publically visible signs of ownership. These have nothing to do with anybody else and if questions are asked they tell them to mind their own business. You are right to question these things if it concerns a loved one but you may also start insulting their relationship if you try to pry to much. Never underestimate how far people will go to find themselves.

    In regards to public sex - the phrase time and place springs to mind. The example you used is most likely completely inappropriate and could be damaging to vulnerable people. Again though this comes down peoples own minds and it is almost impossible to fathom what goes on in the mind of a perverted kinkster. I really feel that as long as you are prepared to deal with the consequences then you have freedom to express yourself. I am very careful in judging others actions to an extent that I feel they have gone too far because I know I am capable of some very extreme things and still have many to fulfil. I would never say a fantasy has to stay a fantasy unless it will hurt others that have not consented to it. So many public displays will most likely affect someone. You did mention that some people enjoy public humiliation and there is a fine line between making others laugh at you and disgusting them beyond reason, fine margins but still interesting to discuss.

    I just want to end by saying the mind is a wonderful place and putting limits on it because society finds something unacceptable is not a world I want to live in.
    Firstly, I am not even into BDSM, so no experience. This wasn't even aimed directly at them, as I used it as an example.



    The only limit to BDSM in private is when a person has not consented or does not want the play to go that way.
    I am sorry, but I simply can not agree with this. This is saying that if someone wants to maim themselves, that's fine, so long as someone agrees to do it. I can not imagine a world in which everything is fine as long as all parties consent. Some things are simply better left without being done. And anything that would risk permanently damaging yourself is simply taking things too far. What if you regret it later? Sure you might like ___ now, but if you do something that can't be undone or physically damages you on a permanent level, or even emotionally damages you on such a level...you can't take that back.



    You cannot use your own standards or opinions to draw a line on what is acceptable.
    I am not doing that. I am voicing my own opinions, but not drawing a line with them. I am asking others what their personal lines are. I have no idea how you got the idea that I am trying to make some standard law or rule regarding this.



    One person will see stabbing as going to far, another just wishes their partner had the bottle to do put the knife in further.
    I am sorry, but if someone wants to be stabbed, they need help in my opinion. This is literally risking their life. At the very least they could end up with an infection. And just that can be lethal. Then you have damaging muscles or any number of tissues or organs permanently. I can't imagine what would happen when in 10 years someone wants to do something with their life, they have this whole new drive, they understand themselves better, and their entire new goal is shot down when they discover because they stabbed themselves or something years ago, they permanently damaged themselves in ways that stop them from doing what they now love.

    This is like a man who loves to drink and smoke now, suffering for it in 20 years when he has grand kids he loves, and hopes to see grow up, only to find out he will die in a few years because of something he loved before, and expected he would always love.

    In my humble opinion, anything that permanently lessens or removes your potential, is taking something too far.



    I really feel that as long as you are prepared to deal with the consequences then you have freedom to express yourself.
    Your right to throw a punch ends at my nose. And your right to express yourself in public, ends when my 5 year old nephew sees you giving someone a blow job in the gas station. Maybe I misunderstand you, but you seem to be saying that having sex in a store in front of others is okay as long as you don't mind going to jail if you get caught. But that's not right, as there are consequnces of your actions that some little kid who sees has to deal with. And no one has a right to give others things to deal with for your own fault.


    No offense is meant at all, I am merely responding. I am sorry if this seems incredibly personal or offensive due to how personal this subject is to you. I merely do not understand.

  9. #9

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    I too agree that this thread has quickly turned into something a lot more interesting than when I read the opening. From my viewpoint, it seemed so obvious, yeah, you shouldn't go to far with this stuff, and as far as public displays of sexual activity, it's illegal in the U. S. You get arrested for blowing some guy in the park, even if you're behind a bush. The cops don't like that.

    But I've also tuned in to the diaper bondage sites on tumblr, and one gets an eyeful. The one nagging thought I've had is, how do people recover from some of the damage being done to their body, especially to their rectum?

    It seems to me that a bigger question arises, and I've been on the receiving end when I was a young kid, age 12 through college. When does self harming become a mental illness, or when is that line crossed. We know that when children cut themselves, they're soon on their way to a shrink. As a society, we judge self harming as just that; harming and dangerous to the self, both mind and body.

    I've written in past threads that I put my mom through the fire when I was a kid. She'd smell something burning coming from my bedroom, and it was me. I had poured lighter fluid on my arm and deliberately set myself on fire. I'd cut myself with a razor blade and lick the blood. I also had a psychotic break and lost an entire week of conscious awareness.

    As a society, we don't usually say a person has a right to do anything they want to their body. When things go to far, medical professionals try to find out why. I think I'm beginning to understand why I did such things, and why that may influence my desire to wear diapers. I was punished often and strictly by my mom. I still have that desire. I was made to believe that I was bad, that I had failed and disappointment, and now I have to replicate that. Is this healthy? Probably not, but replicating it gives me sexual and emotional pleasure.

    Would I or should I take the simple things I do, wearing and using diapers, to a more extreme level? I hope not, as I want a world where I create things of quality, and spend my time focused on something that has worth and merit. I think I could enjoy being shamed and abused by strangers, up to a point, but it's not something I will ever do. I would rather spend my time creating something of beauty, or experience the same, be it through my music or writing. To stray into the dark world of Pulp Fiction would suggest that I go back to my psychiatrist and find out what went wrong.

  10. #10

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    Every person is unique. Who am I to judge what is right for their life?



    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousOne View Post
    1} What is the line you draw for determining if something like BDSM, or spankings, or whatever else a person might fantasize about/act upon is wrong or unhealthy.
    My first criteria is SSC (Safe, Sane, Consentual) or RACK (Risk Aware Consentual Kink). Please note both include consentual. Safe and Sane are relative to the perspective of the person making the choice so RACK was proposed as a replacement to acknowledge that some kinks are not completely safe. Next criteria is permanent disability or significant risk of disability or death. Disfigured ear lobes bother me, but are not a real issue. Missing body parts are a problem.



    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousOne View Post
    2} What do you feel the limits are in private?
    SSC or RACK
    No permanent physical, emotional, or mental harm. Tattoos, brands, and scars are art until they cause disability.



    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousOne View Post
    3} What do you feel are the limits when doing things in public?
    Be responsible to not cause significant public outrage, criminal records, or permanent damage to future plans. Could someone's cell phone camera end a career, support blackmail, or ruin important relationships.


    Pictures on Fetlife are intentionally fetish and proudly proclaim extreme behavior. We cannot judge the circumstances behind the photo or confirm if photoshop was used. An obscene picture appearing to be from a store may be fake, staged, or truly obscene. We can only choose what and who we allow in our own lives. What is highly offensive where we live may not be somewhere else. Some beaches have an adult-only dress code (or lack thereof). Some people were so obsessed with whips and floggers that that is now their sole income. Is that an unhealthy obsession or a successful business model catering to a niche market?

    There are fetishes and there are lifestyle choices. To some, BDSM is a private activity while others live their life in that manner. Is leather attire fetish wear or work dress code? Is SSC limited to the bedroom or the foundation of every decision? There is another acronym "THIRD" - Trust, Honor, Integrity, Respect, Discipline. Delving that far into the lifestyle is both most honorable and most scary. Each of those words are expected to be observed to the fullest extent possible without question. When someone guides their life with it, I can trust them to bind me with my locking medical restraints until I am helplessly bound and will feel comletely safe and secure. The last person to do so expressed concerns the first time because they had no prior experience and felt that level of trust was undeserved. Their respect for me and their honor of that trust told me there would not be an issue. So few understand trust to that degree.

    Decency should be the limits and bounds of fetishism. Decency helps those around to live life to the fullest without harming self or others. Cloths, activities, and words either highlight a person's decency or demonstrate a complete lack. Any guy with a diaper and pacifier can liven up a fetish party or ruin public image. What matters is which one we are.

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