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Thread: Could being to secretive backfire?

  1. #1

    Question Could being to secretive backfire?

    I know some people dream of a world were we are fully accepted, but has anyone ever realized we are sorta contradicting ourselves?

    Like I personally feel being secretive is great but if we want to be more accepted in society we sorta need to slowly throw stuff out there in a professional manner.


    I do know we are extremely different and some people would rather this stay in the shadows and never be revealed to the public, but I rather be able to not have this seem like a mental illness.

    I am not saying we need to go out and plastered it on all the bathroom school walls. I just would like a world were kids can fully trust their parents, and not have to be worried about them thinking they screwed up on raising their child. Like a parent should not feel their child is suffering from some mental illness from finding that out.

    I have heard some bad stories about how parents treat their children after the figure out and I personally do not like it.



    How do you feel on the subject?

  2. #2
    CrinklySiren

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    Let me just say this:

    THANK YOU! I was beginning to think i was psychotic for being as open as I am. Not that its bad to keep this a secret, everyone is entitled to their own desires, but I personally think that we always talk about change on these forums yet most of us are so afraid to MAKE that change. There is most DEFINITELY a way to educate people without being seen as freaks or creepos, and I know this because i'm PROOF of it. Its so refreshing to see this.

    The only way this is going to be socially acceptable is if WE treat it as something socially acceptable, i think the reason its so taboo is cuz we TREAT it like a taboo.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by kratox View Post

    I am not saying we need to go out and plastered it on all the bathroom school walls. I just would like a world were kids can fully trust their parents, and not have to be worried about them thinking they screwed up on raising their child. Like a parent should not feel their child is suffering from some mental illness from finding that out.

    I have heard some bad stories about how parents treat their children after the figure out and I personally do not like it.
    That's all i wish too. My little side has damaged my relationship with my parents, and it could have done worse if it wasn't for me moving out of their house by my own will. I think it is ridiculous that something so personal to me, and that I see as part of my identity, would have such an affect on a relationship with my parents, but i try not to blame them, i blame the ignorance of society.

    That is the main reason i wish that Ab/Dl's were more known and understood, that and also for dating purposes. But then there is always the backfire of opposition when people are more aware.

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    Quote Originally Posted by CrinklyEmilyLG View Post
    Let me just say this:

    THANK YOU! I was beginning to think i was psychotic for being as open as I am. Not that its bad to keep this a secret, everyone is entitled to their own desires, but I personally think that we always talk about change on these forums yet most of us are so afraid to MAKE that change. There is most DEFINITELY a way to educate people without being seen as freaks or creepos, and I know this because i'm PROOF of it. Its so refreshing to see this.

    The only way this is going to be socially acceptable is if WE treat it as something socially acceptable, i think the reason its so taboo is cuz we TREAT it like a taboo.
    The funny thing about that, is that it is really true. It is amazing how easy it is to go into a store and buy diapers, but if you start acting like it is an out of the ordinary thing for you to do, then people give you weird looks. Along with that, is that people will joke about babyish things, or have babyish elements in their life, and i notice that i'm the AB in the group, but i'm too afraid to do or say something that a non-AB person just did. Does it seem like to you guys that it is easier to do or say something babyish for somebody that is Non-AB rather than somebody that is AB?

  4. #4
    CrinklySiren

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    That's all i wish too. My little side has damaged my relationship with my parents, and it could have done worse if it wasn't for me moving out of their house by my own will. I think it is ridiculous that something so personal to me, and that I see as part of my identity, would have such an affect on a relationship with my parents, but i try not to blame them, i blame the ignorance of society.

    That is the main reason i wish that Ab/Dl's were more known and understood, that and also for dating purposes. But then there is always the backfire of opposition when people are more aware.

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    The funny thing about that, is that it is really true. It is amazing how easy it is to go into a store and buy diapers, but if you start acting like it is an out of the ordinary thing for you to do, then people give you weird looks. Along with that, is that people will joke about babyish things, or have babyish elements in their life, and i notice that i'm the AB in the group, but i'm too afraid to do or say something that a non-AB person just did. Does it seem like to you guys that it is easier to do or say something babyish for somebody that is Non-AB rather than somebody that is AB?
    I've come to accept and understand that ABDL's will never be understood, but thats fine because we dont need to be understood, we just need to be accepted.

    As for the doing or saying non-AB vs AB things. To me its indifferent, i can talk about diapers just as easily as I can talk about underwear or anything else. That also falls into the thing i said about just being cool with it all and the rest will follow.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by CrinklyEmilyLG View Post
    I've come to accept and understand that ABDL's will never be understood, but thats fine because we dont need to be understood, we just need to be accepted.

    As for the doing or saying non-AB vs AB things. To me its indifferent, i can talk about diapers just as easily as I can talk about underwear or anything else. That also falls into the thing i said about just being cool with it all and the rest will follow.
    Yeah, i can talk about diapers if it is with somebody that accepts my little side, but past that, i get a little twitchy.

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    Somebody needs to convince a tv show director to make a main character to be a closet AB. One of those characters that you just really like too. Like what if Marshal Erickson from "How i met your mother" was a closet AB. Then Lily finds out, is accepting, and then is all motherly and cute with him. You would have 75% of viewers of that show think that AB's were cute, funny, and pretty cool people.

  6. #6
    CrinklySiren

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    Yeah, i can talk about diapers if it is with somebody that accepts my little side, but past that, i get a little twitchy.

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    Somebody needs to convince a tv show director to make a main character to be a closet AB. One of those characters that you just really like too. Like what if Marshal Erickson from "How i met your mother" was a closet AB. Then Lily finds out, is accepting, and then is all motherly and cute with him. You would have 75% of viewers of that show think that AB's were cute, funny, and pretty cool people.
    Well that actually doesn't work that well, people don't like change, and ABDL's have been in the media many times with no successful results, simply that more people now know that such a thing exists. Not to mention that just because a character everyone loves does something doesnt mean it would change their outlook on real ABDLS, since the character is fictional, and on top of that it doesnt necessarily mean that they will continue to watch the show, some people may feel put off by it.

  7. #7

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    The points everyone has raised is why (and others I am sure) keep this a secret. Infantilism is often brushed off as a phase or mental disorder by those uneducated and ignorant, from what I've seen there are quite a few *B/DLs who are lonely with few friends or relationships and hearing the stories of rejection only puts them off. And some people have gotten quite depressed over the fact of wanting to come out to their peers, but fear the ensuing humiliation. I feel there should be education in schools, not just of *B/DLism, but sexual kinks in general, I've never felt bad for liking this, I've felt it since I was about 5 and began acting out on it when I hit puberty - a fairly typical story in our community. But for those who are left lost and confused, may not even be aware of fetishes let alone infantilism, we all got the 'your body will change' and 'you will start liking girls more talk'. But really I feel education should incorporate fetishes and 'liking things that might feel strange or not normal' ect.

    I have always been fascinated by this since joining here all those years ago, and have always sort of compared it to homosexuality in the way people talk about coming out as *B/DL. I mean people don't feel the urge to come out to their peers as liking feet, bondage, asphyxiation ect. but feel and urge to want to 'come out' as *B/DL or furry. I really do think that furryism and infantilism are totally different to other fetishes in the way some of us want people to know about it and be accepted.

  8. #8

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    There is allot to be said about acceptance, but it's really hard for people to get that far because understanding comes first. When I cam out to my mom about not being straight she ridiculed me, and made me feel bad. I hated her for it, and wanted nothing more than to hear "It's Okay Honey". Later on she just learned to accept that I am not quite straight. I picked that up because she kind of says GF/BF when asking if I have any interest in dating. It has not really changed much between us. Though the AB/DL life is much more complicated to explain. Everyone is so caught up into there egos that they want to push others to conform to what they think is normal.

    Honestly being a Little has been natural to me a very long time. Though the social pressure, and fear kept me from living my life. Since October this year I plunged into diapers like diving into a pool. I really deserved to be who I am on the inside. Emily is right people do not like change. Parents fear for there children, and if they think there is something medically/mentally wrong with them. They go freaking mad, and in doing so estrange themselves from there children. For example since I never expressed my desire to regress, or wear diapers openly to my parents. They would be quite disturbed by my current lifestyle. I'm guessing if they discovered me padded. They would ask if I am incontinent, rather than probably think I love diapers. Though if they found my bottle, and pink clothes. They would start to form some seriously far out misconceptions.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by kratox
    I know some people dream of a world were we are fully accepted, but has anyone ever realized we are sorta contradicting ourselves?

    Like I personally feel being secretive is great but if we want to be more accepted in society we sorta need to slowly throw stuff out there in a professional manner.
    It very much depends on needs of an individual, which has been the hallmark in these types of discussions. You will find AB/DLs that bring the lifestyle into as many facets of their lives as possible, fetish or not, have much stronger feelings on public acceptance. And there will be AB/DLs that don't find such strong feelings in the identity or AB/DL subculture to care enough about society's viewpoint.

    In some of these conversations it gets often brought up the rule of thumb that should be set: "come out" or "don't come out, ever." To me this is a waste of time, and we should merely assess each individual's unique situation rather than rallying about AB/DL needs in public spaces.



    I do know we are extremely different and some people would rather this stay in the shadows and never be revealed to the public, but I rather be able to not have this seem like a mental illness.
    AB/DL is quite the expansive subculture in my mind with a lot of different quirks. Certainly AB/DL behaviors aren't in themselves a mental illness and for many of us it's normal aspect of ourselves, but it's more willful ignorance on our part when often times we ignore more extreme forms of infantilism (classified in case studies as Adult Baby Syndrome) or disruptive parts of our desires that interfere with our lives, and then to pass it off simply as a problem with an intolerant society.

    Pure diaper fetishists often seem easy to explain, Adult Babies/Littles are a different beast.



    I am not saying we need to go out and plastered it on all the bathroom school walls. I just would like a world were kids can fully trust their parents, and not have to be worried about them thinking they screwed up on raising their child. Like a parent should not feel their child is suffering from some mental illness from finding that out.
    And that's the sad state of affairs we can't offer a legitimate safe place for many teens to air their sexual curiosities/questions. And I think personally that should be a focus the likes of people like Dan Savage have pointed out.



    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger
    That's all i wish too. My little side has damaged my relationship with my parents, and it could have done worse if it wasn't for me moving out of their house by my own will. I think it is ridiculous that something so personal to me, and that I see as part of my identity, would have such an affect on a relationship with my parents, but i try not to blame them, i blame the ignorance of society.
    There's a lot more work to be done to describe Adult Babies/Littles. And I've seen this commonality of Little sides developing very early and one of the first issues is a strained relationship with parents. My gut tells me there's more going on here. One member from a while back had issues with regressing unconsciously due to child hood trauma as she explained. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone (I myself am a Little and had a great childhood) but that case was obviously the Little side was less an identity and more an issue. There are many answered questions in my mind concerning this.
    Last edited by Geno; 05-Dec-2013 at 02:30. Reason: Edited

  10. #10

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    If you wish to stand up for AB rights, please keep a couple of very important things in mind:

    First, be aware of just what the public thinks of us. I got that lesson in very harsh terms recently, when I was found out by someone close to me. They were convinced it was a perversion, a sickness, and they stopped just short of outright accusing me of wanting to exploit a child. This is someone who's known me for a long time, and knows what I'm like. Someone who's quite accepting of traditionally oppressed people - fully accepting of gay people, fully accepting of people of other races. They'd even heard of ABDL somewhere, and still thought it was a freakish perversion.

    The reality is, most people out there will not respond positively to us. And depending on where you live, you could be in a lot of danger for being found out. I live in a small community, and if I'd been outed to other people, I'd be fleeing town before I ended up in the hospital or worse. People have horrible misconceptions about who we are, and I don't think they'll usually listen long enough to understand why we're OK. They see that we dress and act like kids, and they see red.

    Second, be aware that we're not oppressed in the traditional sense. There are no discriminatory laws against ABs, no active movements seeking to destroy us, no anti-AB violence (at least, not enough to become widely known). We're hated when someone finds out about us, but we're a small and disparate enough group that we're still very anonymous, and so there's no real need to attack us. We're assumed to be lone freaks when we're found out. So any activism wouldn't be like the great social justice movements we've seen over the last couple hundred years.

    I say these things not to discourage people from self-acceptance, but to tell everyone to be safe. Keep yourself safe, don't let yourself be found out, and don't let yourself be hurt by ignorant people. But, I still believe that ABDLs can be accepted someday. Here's how:

    ABs don't face active, organized hate in the traditional sense. We are rather victims of a larger conflict: the war on difference.

    Society says that we have to fit a mould. We need to get an acceptable job, raise a normal family, have normal hobbies, have normal opinions, normal tastes, normal thoughts. If not, we're the worst possible thing. We're different.

    The costs of being different can range depending on the severity of the difference. Sideways looks are a pretty low price to pay. Rude comments. Being avoided by others. Being passed over for opportunities. There are escalating costs depending on how different from normal you are. And ABDLs, let's face it, are pretty far out on the fringes of normalcy. What we do is not normal by any stretch. It's safe, legal, and moral, but it's not the slightest bit normal. Therefore, if we are found out, we face a very high potential cost.

    Therefore, I think that ABs will find widespread acceptance and love when the war on difference de-escalates and ends. It's much better than it used to be, I'll grant. Now, gay people have a chance of living normal lives, for example. Nerds, the acceptable punching bag of the playground, are finding newfound respect. Society has become more accepting and accommodating to those with disabilities. Not even close to perfect, but better than they once were. In summary, society is becoming more accepting of difference. But it's not even close to fully accepting.

    If you want ABDL to be accepted, which I'm sure we'd all love, the answer isn't to be loud and proud in public. The answer is to help usher in a new age of accepting difference. If someone's difference doesn't hurt anyone, coerce anyone, or break laws, it's OK. And we need to model this. Instead of walking around the oddly dressed person, smile at them and say hello. If someone behaves oddly, treat them with kindness; perhaps they have a disorder you can't see. Let your children know that it's OK to be different, and model it by treating the different with respect in your words and your actions. Model love for the different, and eventually, it'll spread. Eventually, people will feel safe opening up about their differences. Eventually, society will see difference as a good thing. And all the weirdos, not just us ABDLs, will know that we can be loved. Maybe we'll never walk down the street in our diapers and onesies, but we can know that if we're found out, we'll be safe. We won't lose those we love for being different.

    I really think that instead of traditional activism, ABDLs would benefit most from greater acceptance of difference in society. Yes, it's painfully cheesy and all. But instead of risking life and freedom, we can be on the forefront of a revolution of acceptance and love. Not just for us, but for everyone. After all, everyone's different.

    UPDATE: After reading Geno's excellent post, I should clarify that I'm not in favour of coming out in general. I think it's best to save our little identities for communities such as this one, and for serious romantic partners, who have a right to know. That said, even if you're planning to come out to others, or to push for widespread knowledge and acceptance of our quirk, please keep my ideas in mind. I really think they'll be more beneficial than traditional activism.

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