Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 16

Thread: Throwing everything out in the open because I feel alone.

  1. #1

    Default Throwing everything out in the open because I feel alone.

    Hello friends, I haven't been on here in a while but over the past few years I've been going through some weird emotional shit and I don't know if it's stemmed from this whole ABDL thing or something else.

    I'll start from the way beginning...

    The emotional stuff I'm talking about (mainly) is my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 18 in summer of 2010. We had a normal relationship and we'd partake in normal and vanilla sexual activities and we'd be passionate and all that jazz. We had a lovely time being together and around late july/early august I started to lose my shit emotionally. It had been the 6 month anniversary of my mom dying so I started to feel really crummy and awful and then my boyfriend went off to college so I felt really alone.

    My dad and I never had a nice relationship he was always so hard on me and would hit me and whatever, I honestly don't blame him, he lost the love of his life and I was always such a shit to him that he probably felt like he had no choice but to hit me. I eventually tried killing myself in late september of 2010, but obviously I did not succeed. I went to a crazy-bin for a few weeks and when I got out of there in the middle of October I felt different. (Also I went to live with my sister on the other side of town, so I felt lost because everything I knew from my childhood wasn't around me. It was alien and uncomfortable)

    I no longer had any sexual feelings for anything but my fricken fantasies (all abdl of course). When my boyfriend and I would do it I just felt anxiety and sadness. One time in late december I had an anxiety attack during sex and it made him feel shitty, like he was raping me or something, but he wasn't. I was just going through some weird emotional thing.

    For an entire year, we did not do it. Nothing. I just didn't 'feel' it (unless it was about diapers. I started feeling really guilty about this fetish). He would always ask me "are you not attracted to me anymore?" "did i do something wrong?" "are you seeing someone else?" and I'd be upset, why would he think that? I just dont feel anything anymore. I think a part of me died when I tried to off myself.

    Another year rolled by. We'd have sex but mainly I would bite my tongue and just let him do his thing because I felt bad about not being able to do anything. I would tell him this and he would say maybe it's just my anti-depressants or something. It probably was, but if I don't take them I get really upset and want to die. Basically I want to die all the time to be honest, but my pills suppress the desire to do something about it. They also suppress everything else (sexually at least).

    At this point I graduated high school, I sat all summer and now it was september 2012. I wasn't in college. I didn't want to do anything with my life because I didn't know what I wanted to do in life, and I still don't. I would basically be home all the time and masturbate to fricken abdl shit and I finally joined this site and asked everyone if I should come out of the abdl closet to him, I ended up doing so. He was happy that I shared this with him, but I felt weird knowing that it was not my secret anymore.

    He was really into it, and so was I. I got my groove back, but only for a little while. I started feeling awful again and thinking stuff like "I'm a sick fuck what am I even doing" and "I feel like now I'm not even seen as an adult anymore why the hell would I tell him". I was embarrassed whenever he would bring abdl stuff up, like if he saw something online about abdl stuff or if we were out in public he would see something 'babyish' and be like "you need that" or something stupid like that.

    He wouldn't mean to upset me, but I would be upset. I don't want to paint a picture of him being an asshole who upsets his girlfriend all the time, I just get upset over stupid shit. I'm sensitive. He's a wonderful person and I love him dearly.

    Sometimes when we snuggle as adults he tries to hold me like a baby or whatever and I get so fucking mad, (some of you by now are probably thinking "wow what is this girls problem? I would kill for something like this" and I'm sorry for sounding selfish but something is just wrong with me) anyways- I would, and still do, get so mad "why the fuck are you trying to baby me all the time? I'm a fucking adult, leave me the fuck alone".

    I feel like I don't want his perception of me to be a "baby" or a "little" but an adult woman because I don't want him to think he has control over me all the time, he doesn't act like he does but I always feel like he thinks that he does and it's driving me crazy.

    I don't know what else to write, I just want someone else to say that they understand all of this, and that I'm not crazy or alone or something and that this makes sense to someone other than myself.

  2. #2

    Default

    I really haven't experienced anything quite like this.
    I have been depressed before (and in some aspects still am), as for the boyfriend problems, I can't say anything similar has happened to me.
    But I can say that I do understand how disheartening it can be to go through so many things in such a time frame.
    They're many people out there, even on here, that can relate to some of the things that are bothering you.
    The future at times may seem bleak but it's a future worth being a part of, even if it's just for the moments of happiness that can be derided from it.
    Last edited by Cranky; 04-Nov-2013 at 19:34. Reason: grammar

  3. #3
    Ryanboo

    Default

    I understand where you're coming from. I know you're going through a lot lately and that things can get really hard sometimes in life, but on the bright side you also have a lot going for you. You also have a boyfriend who clearly loves you and accepts you. I've had my fair share of mental breakdowns before too, even about abdl stuff. I used to feel unhappy and insecure about myself. I've felt like a sick freak because of my babyish feelings but in reality thats just not how it is. There's nothing wrong with liking diapers and sometimes or wanting to be comforted. On this site alone there are thousands of us and we are mostly good really decent people. Being a dl is something you enjoy but it's important to know that it not all that you are. You're boyfriend knows this too. It seems to me the reason he asks you about your abdl stuff is because he loves you and just wants to make you happy. He's probably just exited that you opened up to him and now he knows a way he can make you feel happy so he is exited and maybe he goes overboard with it. You should talk to him about it, explain to him what you just explained to us. Tell him that you are a strong independent person and you want to be seen as that and not as a baby. Tell him that you dl side is not the only side to you and that you'd like to keep it for special occasions. He will understand. He cares about you and wants you to be happy either way. Talk to him and he'll be there for you. Maybe focus on some other things in life other than diapers that make you happy. Try new things in life and live your life to the fullest. Maybe you could pick up some new hobbies. Trust me it will help. Please give yourself a break, take a nap or a warm bath or shower and just relax. Sometimes you need to take a step aside to realize that you're okay and things will turn out good in the end. I hope this advice helps. If you need someone to talk to other than your boyfriend to just to talk or get your mind off things you can message me. I know I really don't know you so it might be weird well but I'd be happy to help. I've been through enough in life to understand things. I really hope you feel better.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ClosettedDL View Post
    Hello friends, I haven't been on here in a while but over the past few years I've been going through some weird emotional shit and I don't know if it's stemmed from this whole ABDL thing or something else.

    I'll start from the way beginning...

    The emotional stuff I'm talking about (mainly) is my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 18 in summer of 2010. We had a normal relationship and we'd partake in normal and vanilla sexual activities and we'd be passionate and all that jazz. We had a lovely time being together and around late july/early august I started to lose my shit emotionally. It had been the 6 month anniversary of my mom dying so I started to feel really crummy and awful and then my boyfriend went off to college so I felt really alone.

    My dad and I never had a nice relationship he was always so hard on me and would hit me and whatever, I honestly don't blame him, he lost the love of his life and I was always such a shit to him that he probably felt like he had no choice but to hit me. I eventually tried killing myself in late september of 2010, but obviously I did not succeed. I went to a crazy-bin for a few weeks and when I got out of there in the middle of October I felt different. (Also I went to live with my sister on the other side of town, so I felt lost because everything I knew from my childhood wasn't around me. It was alien and uncomfortable)

    I no longer had any sexual feelings for anything but my fricken fantasies (all abdl of course). When my boyfriend and I would do it I just felt anxiety and sadness. One time in late december I had an anxiety attack during sex and it made him feel shitty, like he was raping me or something, but he wasn't. I was just going through some weird emotional thing.

    For an entire year, we did not do it. Nothing. I just didn't 'feel' it (unless it was about diapers. I started feeling really guilty about this fetish). He would always ask me "are you not attracted to me anymore?" "did i do something wrong?" "are you seeing someone else?" and I'd be upset, why would he think that? I just dont feel anything anymore. I think a part of me died when I tried to off myself.

    Another year rolled by. We'd have sex but mainly I would bite my tongue and just let him do his thing because I felt bad about not being able to do anything. I would tell him this and he would say maybe it's just my anti-depressants or something. It probably was, but if I don't take them I get really upset and want to die. Basically I want to die all the time to be honest, but my pills suppress the desire to do something about it. They also suppress everything else (sexually at least).

    At this point I graduated high school, I sat all summer and now it was september 2012. I wasn't in college. I didn't want to do anything with my life because I didn't know what I wanted to do in life, and I still don't. I would basically be home all the time and masturbate to fricken abdl shit and I finally joined this site and asked everyone if I should come out of the abdl closet to him, I ended up doing so. He was happy that I shared this with him, but I felt weird knowing that it was not my secret anymore.

    He was really into it, and so was I. I got my groove back, but only for a little while. I started feeling awful again and thinking stuff like "I'm a sick fuck what am I even doing" and "I feel like now I'm not even seen as an adult anymore why the hell would I tell him". I was embarrassed whenever he would bring abdl stuff up, like if he saw something online about abdl stuff or if we were out in public he would see something 'babyish' and be like "you need that" or something stupid like that.

    He wouldn't mean to upset me, but I would be upset. I don't want to paint a picture of him being an asshole who upsets his girlfriend all the time, I just get upset over stupid shit. I'm sensitive. He's a wonderful person and I love him dearly.

    Sometimes when we snuggle as adults he tries to hold me like a baby or whatever and I get so fucking mad, (some of you by now are probably thinking "wow what is this girls problem? I would kill for something like this" and I'm sorry for sounding selfish but something is just wrong with me) anyways- I would, and still do, get so mad "why the fuck are you trying to baby me all the time? I'm a fucking adult, leave me the fuck alone".

    I feel like I don't want his perception of me to be a "baby" or a "little" but an adult woman because I don't want him to think he has control over me all the time, he doesn't act like he does but I always feel like he thinks that he does and it's driving me crazy.

    I don't know what else to write, I just want someone else to say that they understand all of this, and that I'm not crazy or alone or something and that this makes sense to someone other than myself.
    All I can say is, you need to realize that he's just trying to help you. Hell, I had a hard understanding what the hell is going on and I read the whole thing, imagine how he feels. It sounds like you haven't come to terms with abdl yet and you need to stop getting upset with him, now maybe I'm just projecting here but he seems to be a nice enough guy who wants to give you whatever you want to be happy. Just be careful how you handle managing your anger, you could lose him, then how would you feel? As for your mother, I am sorry for your loss and hope it gets easier for you. Good luck.

  5. #5

    Default

    It's not just the abdl-ism stuff, it's like all sex stuff.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ClosettedDL View Post
    It's not just the abdl-ism stuff, it's like all sex stuff.
    What specifically do you mean? I'm not following.

  7. #7

    Default

    Also I think coming here and spilling your heart out was a good start on your part, but I think that maybe you need to go to the one you care about the most and tell him.

  8. #8

    Default

    I believe there are some big psychological problems here, more than just dealing with ab/dl issues. It's at this point that we as members, don't have the skill or the opportunity to sufficiently help you. You really need to see a professional in this. Have you been professionally diagnosed, beyond just depression? Borderline Personality Disorder exists in women, 75 percent to men, though I suffered from it to some degree when I was in college, and beyond. I needed my someone special, but I wasn't always an easy person to live with. I made bad decisions and practiced self destructive behavior. Eventually I wanted better of myself, and began to make better choices.

    I think you need to seek professional help. It sounds to me, just from what you've said, that your boyfriend is a prince, understanding and staying by your side through all of this.

    I hope you can learn to accept yourself, and your ab/dlism. It's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal, letting it become the elephant in the room. Try to put things into their proper perspective. I wish you the best in all of this.

  9. #9
    Ryanboo

    Default

    I agree with dogboy. You really need some professional help but my offer is still up if you need to vent or talk to someone.

  10. #10

    Default

    Perhaps a good idea for you would be something like a light-switch. Some way to say, "I am in ABDL mode now, and you can feel free to baby me." Likewise, when you don't have this object, "I am not in ABDL mode, please treat me like an adult." Maybe it could be a bracelet around your wrist, or wearing your watch on the other wrist, or if you only play ABDL at home, then maybe a pacifier you put in your mouth, sucking your thumb, or even just by simply when you tell him.

    It sounds like you need to communicate. He really sounds open to you and your needs, so communicate with him further, without the yelling and snapping. Just plainly open up and tell him that you only want to be ABDL sometimes and not all the time. To treat you as an adult unless you're both roleplaying, or unless you show him your special agreed-upon sign/signal. It seems like he's easy to talk to, so go ahead, I'm sure he'll try his best to understand and help you out.

    There are issues from your past that you haven't really worked through though, honestly. Dogboy is right; we don't have the ability to help with the problem that's causing these symptoms. But I can tell you this statement of yours concerned me quite a lot. I don't think you've dealt with the child abuse in your past at all. Pills only get you so far. You haven't reasoned through this at all. I mean this with the best intentions.


    Quote Originally Posted by ClosettedDL View Post
    My dad and I never had a nice relationship he was always so hard on me and would hit me and whatever, I honestly don't blame him, he lost the love of his life and I was always such a shit to him that he probably felt like he had no choice but to hit me.

Similar Threads

  1. Tinkerbell GoodNites - to open or not to open?
    By CommanderCrayfish in forum Diaper Talk
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 14-Apr-2013, 19:00
  2. Purging/ Throwing away - BF seems to have same cycle
    By GoodnitesEveryDay in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 06-May-2012, 16:35
  3. If you feel dumb today, read this and you'll feel better.
    By onecho in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 12-Apr-2011, 10:01
  4. Throwing your used diaper out a car window!
    By discodiaper in forum Diaper Talk
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: 20-Nov-2010, 03:08

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.