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Thread: i might be alone this Thanksgiving and Christmas

  1. #1

    Default i might be alone this Thanksgiving and Christmas

    i am sorry if you find this sad or disturbing but i really need to talk about why this is happening to me. i am estranged from my own family because they never knew how much harm they where doing to me when i was younger and how it has affected me. i was NOT properly diagnosed with asperger syndome until i was 32 in 2009 and this should have happened back in the 80's or 90's when i was growing up. mom and dad are average parents but they never really got me diagnosed because they thought i was just fine and never really accepted the fact that they was a special needs child because i was smart.(my IQ is a 136)

    you see they thought all i needed to be just fine was better ACADEMIC skills and the local school system wanted to put me in special education classes because they thought i could not handle mainstream classes. they where both right. i was alright ACADEMICALLY but not SOCIALLY and i never got the treatment i needed to be able overcome those issues. when i started to go to work i just could not get along with other people on the job because i had NEVER learned how and as a result along with other issues i simply could not function in society.

    at some point during my teenage years i just could not handle mom and dad tormenting me with their idea of discipline and i would eventually in order to deal with the pain of what they did to me was simply to never talk to them unless i needed help or something. i would walk 10 miles a day looking for work and be told i was a freeloader by my own family and this resulted in me literally turning on them in order to get them to stop hurting me.

    i have never apologized to them for doing what i still clearly see as a necessity to simply keep my sanity intact even to this day. now they told me they cannot give me a ride to their house this year and the truth of the matter is i can't afford a taxi and there are no buses that go out there on that day. the truth of the matter is i am seriously contemplating never being able to see them again because of something as simple as transportation issues and i wonder is this really a bad thing? our relationship is so toxic that i think it might be better for me to never even see them again anyways because the holidays are something i have come to dread for the last 15 years rather then enjoy because of my estrangement to them. should i even be sad right now because i can't feel a thing in terms of a emotion right now? which can only mean 1 of 2 things either i am about to come to grips with this reality and start healing or i am about to have a total nervous breakdown because i am in that much shock right now.

    i need counsel from multiple people right now because no matter what happens or how this falls out i know that this will affect me the rest of my natural life and i really need to know how not to screw this up anymore if i did already.

  2. #2

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    I will be alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas also. Just about 2 months ago my mother moved to Maine leaving me here in Texas to tie up the loose ends at the ranch. There is a long story here, and I don't really feel like going into it at the moment. My grandparents will not be here till after January. They are winter Texans.

    I really don't know what direction you should take. I too was placed in "Special Ed" classes. But I guess only because of my vision problems or at least that is what I was told. I was in the Special Ed English from 4th grade till I was a junior, and math till freshman. I guess the 2 years in a Lutheran Private School did not do me good. Mom told me the teachers there would allow the other students to "make fun" of my slow learning.
    Last edited by dragon9981; 04-Nov-2013 at 04:26.

  3. #3

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    It sounds like you're really upset with them and it wouldn't have been a happy Thanksgiving or Christmas with them. Even though people always say things like family is the most important, and blood runs thicker than water, and those sorts of things, it doesn't always mean that's true. I've found that in my case, at least, it's a lot better for me to stay away from my sister at all times. And not all families are good for people. There are definitely people, for example, who should have never had children. There are parents who abused their children, of course, and I wouldn't tell that child to stick by their parents no matter what.

    So this Thanksgiving and Christmas, you won't be with your family. It seems like that would have been a very negative thing, anyhow, for you personally. So I think it's okay to not feel bad about your decision. But do ask yourself why. From what I gather from your post here, two things have upset you. The first thing is that they didn't get you diagnosed when you were a child, which would have made your life easier. The second thing is that you say that had strange methods of discipline. If by that, you mean abusive methods of discipline, than definitely stay away. But if it was just things that didn't work on you, I'm not sure.

    The problem I have, I guess, is that, people make mistakes. Parents screw up all the time. They are people too. Even with a good heart and an attempt to help, a parent can make an honest mistake in not getting their child properly diagnosed. They may have grown accustomed to your behavior. They may have been mislead by other parents who say that every child is a unique snowflake. Your problems may have appeared to them to be something unique to your personality, rather than a disability. So in all fairness, they could have made a truly honest mistake. They meant no harm. Is that something to never talk to someone again over? Are you sure it's the most fair and kind approach?

    On the other hand, if these 'strange methods of discipline' involve child abuse, then just, yeah, let them go ahead and lie in the bed they made. Don't visit, don't talk, just stay away. I was the victim of child abuse, but it was all done exclusively due to alcoholism. My mother stopped drinking four years ago, and she doesn't do those things anymore. So it's like the abusive part of her left when the alcohol did. So in my case, it's okay for me to have a relationship with her again. But I think it could be really damaging to people where the abuse is still around or still possible and that person hasn't changed.

    They also sound kind of strange not offering you a ride to their house. What's that about? I only know your side of the story, but it sounds like they don't want to see you this holiday season, either. I mean, most parents would definitely offer something so simple as a ride to their home for the holiday. A lot of parents buy plane tickets or bus tickets for their children themselves, just to see them.

    Anyway, to sum up, there's no shame in distancing yourself from your family given the circumstances. Not everyone has great family members and it's not something anyone chooses for themselves. But you might want to ask if you are being a little harsh in your anger at them for not getting you a diagnosis soon enough. That could have been well-intentioned human error. But, either way, it's up to you. Nothing anyone says here can change your feelings about your parents. You are the only one who can do that. So if you spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone, enjoy the peace and quiet, enjoy the days off work if you work. Like anything else, I really believe a holiday is what you make of it. No need to buy into society's pretty little postcard picture of Christmas. Have your own Christmas, if that's what it comes down to. There's no shame in it, and whatever makes you happy makes you happy, you know?

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frogsy View Post
    It sounds like you're really upset with them and it wouldn't have been a happy Thanksgiving or Christmas with them. Even though people always say things like family is the most important, and blood runs thicker than water, and those sorts of things, it doesn't always mean that's true. I've found that in my case, at least, it's a lot better for me to stay away from my sister at all times. And not all families are good for people. There are definitely people, for example, who should have never had children. There are parents who abused their children, of course, and I wouldn't tell that child to stick by their parents no matter what.

    So this Thanksgiving and Christmas, you won't be with your family. It seems like that would have been a very negative thing, anyhow, for you personally. So I think it's okay to not feel bad about your decision. But do ask yourself why. From what I gather from your post here, two things have upset you. The first thing is that they didn't get you diagnosed when you were a child, which would have made your life easier. The second thing is that you say that had strange methods of discipline. If by that, you mean abusive methods of discipline, than definitely stay away. But if it was just things that didn't work on you, I'm not sure.

    The problem I have, I guess, is that, people make mistakes. Parents screw up all the time. They are people too. Even with a good heart and an attempt to help, a parent can make an honest mistake in not getting their child properly diagnosed. They may have grown accustomed to your behavior. They may have been mislead by other parents who say that every child is a unique snowflake. Your problems may have appeared to them to be something unique to your personality, rather than a disability. So in all fairness, they could have made a truly honest mistake. They meant no harm. Is that something to never talk to someone again over? Are you sure it's the most fair and kind approach?

    On the other hand, if these 'strange methods of discipline' involve child abuse, then just, yeah, let them go ahead and lie in the bed they made. Don't visit, don't talk, just stay away. I was the victim of child abuse, but it was all done exclusively due to alcoholism. My mother stopped drinking four years ago, and she doesn't do those things anymore. So it's like the abusive part of her left when the alcohol did. So in my case, it's okay for me to have a relationship with her again. But I think it could be really damaging to people where the abuse is still around or still possible and that person hasn't changed.

    They also sound kind of strange not offering you a ride to their house. What's that about? I only know your side of the story, but it sounds like they don't want to see you this holiday season, either. I mean, most parents would definitely offer something so simple as a ride to their home for the holiday. A lot of parents buy plane tickets or bus tickets for their children themselves, just to see them.

    Anyway, to sum up, there's no shame in distancing yourself from your family given the circumstances. Not everyone has great family members and it's not something anyone chooses for themselves. But you might want to ask if you are being a little harsh in your anger at them for not getting you a diagnosis soon enough. That could have been well-intentioned human error. But, either way, it's up to you. Nothing anyone says here can change your feelings about your parents. You are the only one who can do that. So if you spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone, enjoy the peace and quiet, enjoy the days off work if you work. Like anything else, I really believe a holiday is what you make of it. No need to buy into society's pretty little postcard picture of Christmas. Have your own Christmas, if that's what it comes down to. There's no shame in it, and whatever makes you happy makes you happy, you know?


    it is not the most fair or kind approach. mom and dad never knew any better it's just they seriously think they did no harm to me and that this is all my fault because i have 2 identical twin sister's that turned out alright. you see they have a narrow minded view of "freeloaders" like me as in they seriously do NOT understand what it a typical homeless person. they work with the worst of them that truly are freeloaders and my parents have stereotyped me based upon what they see in their patients at work. my father is a radiologist(he takes x-rays for injuries at a ER) and my mom is a Registered nurse in a dialysis center at the same hospital. when you see people like them all the time one begins to think that most of the homeless are actually freeloaders because that's all they ever see. the truth is they are seeing a TINY percentage of the homeless population and not realize that they are just seeing the worst on a regular basis. i know i was NOT a regular visitor to the ER or otherwise destroyed my kidneys and as a result i visited the ER relatively little. what mom and dad do not realize is the majority of the good,honest, and decent homeless population usually gets killed rather then "burden society" because of this they never see those types and definitely never hear their testimony because they don't work at the morgue much. Dad sometimes goes(patients do not always make it sometimes) to the morgue but it's not like he will ever hear anything from the deceased and he never really spends much time there anyways. i am just afraid i can't tell them all this in a CONSTRUCTIVE manner because of my social ineptness AGAIN and i have no idea if i can even do this and make things worse then they already are or make things better. to ask me to try talking with them is literally asking on gambling with our relationship.

  5. #5

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    Thanksgiving here in Europe we've not. But for xmas I'll be alone and have to work. Why I'd die for it ? That story is like my story. I don't know what diagnose I've, with my sister relation frozen and rest of the family... so far away. There's a bit problem, when parents in their ignorance can't or wanna not accept their kid(s) are special(s) or the worst - they wanna not to deal with. Forced into somewhere or something nothing works with me... And is more - deal alone with my whole life is more enhoyable, than resist ambience, where I feel misunderstood or ambience is hostil.

  6. #6

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    I'll be with friends more than likely for Thanksgiving as I hate being with family on holidays. As for Christmas; that's up in the air. Last Christmas I went to my family's Christmas for the first time since 1997 and had a MISERABLE day. I also got into an argument with my father that night and I recently told my mother I am DONE with family holidays- forget them- they are NOTHING but trouble so I will spend Thanksgiving with a friend of mine as I have since 2009. As for Christmas, not sure WHAT I will do right now.

    Usually for Christmas I spend it with my best friends' family but right now with his schedule- as he's on a normal work schedule- he has no idea if he will have time off or whatever. Especially since he can't get time off right now- LONG STORY- I am not sure what I will do for Christmas but I sure as shit ain't spending it with my family this year; not after last year!

    And for the record; I myself am Asperger's as well- was diagnosed professionally in 2004 and I have learned to accept things as best as I can. The holiday season just plain fucking SUCKS. I HATE it. I only wish we could live without this time of year.

    WildThing121675

  7. #7

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    i wanted to thank you for your advice frogsy about being alone this Thanksgiving and Christmas. i'm still not sure if i can rebuild my relationship with my parents they where well intentioned but that was not enough. they simply refuse to acknowledge the fact that i needed to be helped and not tormented AFTER being harassed all day in school. even my sisters where constantly tormenting me when they got the chance and all of them told me to just stop whining to them and ignore the problem as if it would just go away. Even when i had to defend myself the teachers where no help because i had to hurt some people and they where GOING to suspend ONLY me for permanently disfiguring a kid by breaking his nose and cheeks. i had to tell the principal that if he did not suspend the other kid i would just have to make "examples" WHEN i got back in class in order to not get assaulted again. he seemed to realize that encouraging this violence against me was a bad idea and decided to suspend us both. when i told my parents over the phone that day what i had done and the first question mom asked me was is HE was alright?(rather then ask if i was alright) i never knew if she said it like that because she had a legitimate concern for the other person(i was 6'5" tall at the time and knew a little Kempo) or if she was more concerned about her reputation? in all honesty i feel betrayed by mom and the rest of my family suffers because i simply do not have the heart to tell her that she was wrong for doing certain things and because i cannot hang around her and by happenstance i can't hang around any of them because they are usually around each other all the time.that is what hurts me the most i simply can't enjoy being around my own family because the mere presence of my mother just makes it impossible. i really need to talk to her but i simply do not think i have what it takes to explain the situation to her in a constructive way. i have never felt comfortable around her for the past 23 years and i simply hate not knowing what to do.

  8. #8

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    Not being able to drive across town and get you seems pathetic to me. I used to drive 2 hours each way to bring my son home from college for a weekend, and then take him back. It's what family does.

    Most of our family will be elsewhere for Thanksgiving. My wife and I may celebrate with one of our son's family, but it will be a smaller affair this year. Even if it was just the two of us, we would cook a nice meal and enjoy each others company. I hope you can find someone to share your life with. Even being with one person is better than being alone. Life, for me, is about sharing with someone. I hope you can find that special person.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by accepted View Post
    -snip-
    Accept -

    If I'm reading this right, it sounds like you were homeless, at least at one point in your life. Are you in a shelter now, or some other safe place? Or are you accessing the net through public libraries or some such? Have you found an apartment or place to stay?

    I find it really saddening that it seems like your parents must have let you be homeless in the first place, instead of allowing you to safely stay with them until you were back on your feet. And it's upsetting that they view the homeless population in a negative light. Most homeless people have mental illnesses that aren't being treated. I also still find it sad, like dogboy said as well, that they can't give you a ride to their house for the holidays. It seems so strange. A car ride is so little to do for someone. Especially your own child.

    From your more recent post, it sounds like you were in some altercations at school. When your mom asked if that person was alright, it might be because she could hear you over the phone and assessed your damage by how clearly/sensibly you were speaking. But the other child was not there so she had to ask to get the information. That's one way to look at it, if it helps.

    Taking all things into consideration, though, is it really a good idea to hang onto so much anger from the past? Has that mode of thought been helpful to you or healing to you in any way? Usually when I hang on to the past, it only causes me to feel bad. If I let bad things from the past get to me too much, it can really make me angry and sad. When I don't need to be. I could be happily watching a movie, or reading a book, or talking to friends. There's no reason or benefit for stewing in anger or hurt feelings, you know? So if your parents are just not great people, and it seems like that could be possible though I don't know the whole story, then you need not hang around them or put too much thought into them again. But you also need not stew in anger so much! If you let that go, you can go ahead and enjoy the present moment. Enjoy your life, enjoy nature, enjoy friends, enjoy food or a show or a book or some music. Letting it go allows you to have peace of mind. It is a favor you do for yourself.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frogsy View Post
    Accept -

    If I'm reading this right, it sounds like you were homeless, at least at one point in your life. Are you in a shelter now, or some other safe place? Or are you accessing the net through public libraries or some such? Have you found an apartment or place to stay?

    I find it really saddening that it seems like your parents must have let you be homeless in the first place, instead of allowing you to safely stay with them until you were back on your feet. And it's upsetting that they view the homeless population in a negative light. Most homeless people have mental illnesses that aren't being treated. I also still find it sad, like dogboy said as well, that they can't give you a ride to their house for the holidays. It seems so strange. A car ride is so little to do for someone. Especially your own child.

    From your more recent post, it sounds like you were in some altercations at school. When your mom asked if that person was alright, it might be because she could hear you over the phone and assessed your damage by how clearly/sensibly you were speaking. But the other child was not there so she had to ask to get the information. That's one way to look at it, if it helps.

    Taking all things into consideration, though, is it really a good idea to hang onto so much anger from the past? Has that mode of thought been helpful to you or healing to you in any way? Usually when I hang on to the past, it only causes me to feel bad. If I let bad things from the past get to me too much, it can really make me angry and sad. When I don't need to be. I could be happily watching a movie, or reading a book, or talking to friends. There's no reason or benefit for stewing in anger or hurt feelings, you know? So if your parents are just not great people, and it seems like that could be possible though I don't know the whole story, then you need not hang around them or put too much thought into them again. But you also need not stew in anger so much! If you let that go, you can go ahead and enjoy the present moment. Enjoy your life, enjoy nature, enjoy friends, enjoy food or a show or a book or some music. Letting it go allows you to have peace of mind. It is a favor you do for yourself.

    i am in a apartment and i have money through disability now. my situation is much more stable now then it was at the shelter's. as for letting it go no one taught me how that's the problem i simply don't know how. i want to know but i was so messed up in the head that i never even knew how to speak it right. i know i want to let it go but this crap is almost a part of me now and i just can't handle it forever. it's not hard for me to be motivated to loose this crap it's hard to simply forget about it or even take the necessary steps to start doing this. i simply don't understand what has been done to me exactly as i am in too much pain and shock to even know better. i am not even ashamed to be so angry because i know there's no shame in ignorance only in refusing to learn. i want to learn but i simply never was TOLD how to deal with this. can you help me?

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