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Thread: Why Come Out?

  1. #1

    Default Why Come Out?

    Below are some of the reasons I have proposed for being out of the closet as an ABDL*:


    But first let me preface this by defining "coming out". I do not mean shouting it from the rooftops. I do not mean bringing my teddy to staff meeting at work. I do not mean handing out pamphlets.

    I do mean letting any combination of the following people know: significant others, family, close friends strictly for the purpose of not having to hide one's ABDL* and to get support.

    By "being out" I mean living life without actively making an effort to conceal one's ABDL*. I don't mean making a point to share your ABDL* with others. I mean having diapers and stuffed animals stacked all over one's room, zero fucks given if a guest sees. No bending over backwards to be "accommodating".


    1. End Feelings of Isolation/Have a Support System-

    Most ABDL*s keep their feelings bottled up for many years. Online communities certainly help tackle the loneliness, however face to face interaction is better than talking with complete strangers. Additionally friends and family are much more likely to be involved in your life and more likely to be there for you when you need them than strangers online. Non-ABDL*s may also offer different perspectives and guidance than anyone within the ABDL* community has to offer. Ultimately having someone physically present to talk to on a daily basis is crucial to remaining mentally healthy. Having the support of your family and friends can enhance one's safety as well. Sneaking out to a fetish event or a date with a stranger you met on the internet can be potentially hazardous. It is always best to tell someone where you are going.



    2. Come Out On Your Own Terms-

    Many ABDL* individuals fear being outed because it will be on someone else's terms. When ABDL*s are exposed it can be extremely damaging because it is so abrupt and none of the parties involved are prepared. Preparation makes greatly influences whether or not coming out will go smoothly.

    3. Be A Postive Role Model/End ABDL+-phobia-

    The more individuals that come out as ABDL* the more accurate our public image will eventually be. The small handful of ABDL*s who are out currently is not significant enough to be representative of the community as a whole, and thus our public image is distorted. ABDL+s come from all walks of life. The reality is that ABDL*s are not just a handful of weird people, we are a diverse and dynamic group of people who are just like everyone else on the planet. More Jane and John Doe type ABDL*s need to come out. Normal well-adjusted individuals make up the bulk of the community. The world must see a more representative slice of the ABDL* population if they are to react in a neutral respectful way.

    4. Don’t Limit Yourself-

    Some ABDL*s are content living their entire lives in the closet, however this is not ideal for many. Some of us desire more than wearing diapers behind closed doors. For some ABDL*s, their personal preferences and daily life are influenced. Being in the closet means making serious sacrifices. Perhaps making sacrifices means not buying a crib for fear of it being discovered by guests. Or perhaps something worse like missing out on a happy fulfilling relationship. Finding that special someone without disclosing one’s ABDL+ is unfair, and in some instances leads to one being consistently incompatible with others. ABDL*s are a minority, and as such, the overwhelming majority of ABDL*s date outside of the ABDL* community. Not everyone outside the commuinty is accepting of ABDL*s. It would not make sense for an ABDL* to find a partner that cannot even tolerate being around any ABDL* behavior. ABDL*s have unique emotional needs that must be met for them to remain healthy and mentally balanced. Choosing to ignore these needs is unfair. On the flip side, suprising a signifigant other too far into a long-term relationship is also extremely unfair.

    5. Don’t Let Others Define You-

    Even within our families and small local communities we need to define ourselves. Hiding ABDL* from friends and family is virtually impossible. It is always better to be confident and come out rather than be caught and hang your head low. People are far more likely to react negatively if they see a person is ashamed of being ABDL* rather than balanced and calm. Being coy and ashamed only serves to strengthen the misconception that ABDL*s are weak and "bad". Most parents freak out about their child being ABDL* because they think that their child is suffering from being ABDL*. Much of life is about presentation. People pick up on your discomfort. Being secretive and akward about ABDL* only makes people see ABDL* as something negative that needs to be "fixed".



    6. Health Risks-

    Stigma related Stress contributes to depression and is a system wide strain on the human body that may have unpredictable consequences later in life. People who come out about being LGTBQ* have measurably lower levels of stress hormones such as cortisol in their bodies than the elevated levels associated with being closeted. It is not unreasonable to assume that coming out as an ABDL* will garner at least some of the same health benefits. Ultimately the magnitude of benefits depends on the individual. Those ABDL+s who lose night after night of sleep would benefit most from coming out. Some ABDL+s feel very uncomfortable in their own bodies and may experience stress similar to that brought about by gender dysphoria. Living with high levels of stress is not healthy for anyone.

    7. Other ABDL*s Are Already Out-

    This isn't 1995. ABDL*s are everywhere. When the ABDL* community first started there were only a few hundred individuals. Now ABDL*s are in the hundreds of thousands, and are represented in almost every developed country in the world. Being closeted and flying under the radar has become increasingly difficult and will become much harder as more people are exposed to ABDL*. Other ABDL*s have already taken the bold step of coming out. They have blown the lid off. If one types “ABDL” into search engine, something will come up. The closet is shrinking as a result of ABDL*s becoming more mainstream.

  2. #2

    Default

    I think you may be confusing the general public with the small minority of people who are intelligent. I live with some of the most closed mined people in America, central Virginia and conservative, Baptist Republicans. I actually have no desire to tell anyone that I'm an infantalist. I don't believe that it's a matter of "being in the closet", but using some sense. I'm college educated, and have two professional jobs which have to be represented in careful ways. I both teach in a public school, and I am a musical director for a Methodist Church.

    I can't imagine saying to even one or two personal friends that I like wearing and using diapers to appease my fetish, any more than I would tell them that I enjoy using a vibrator for sex. Why would they want to know? I sure don't want to know what they do behind their own closed doors.

    I enjoy doing what I do in my house and on my terms. I don't need to share, nor does that cause any kind of bad feelings, much less depression.

    Since there are others who will agree with you, I can only guess that the younger generation is much more liberated than mine. If you can tell others and be socially accepted, more power to you. If this doesn't interfere with your career choices, all the better. I was raised to be very careful, and I would be the first to admit that a lot of my parents' hysteria toward anyone who was different was harmful, especially to people such as myself.

    I hope the day comes when being radically different doesn't matter to others, but I don't think we are there yet. Virginia passed a law recently saying that marriage could only be between a man and a woman. I believe the Republican candidate for Governor wants the sodomy laws back on the books, even for a husband and wife, and of course, racial prejudice is alive and well in Virginia. I think I will continue to play it safe and stay closeted, if that's how you want to put it.

    And as a side note, when I was with my boyfriend in college, being told you were in the closet was offensive. That said, I understand what you're saying, and perhaps proclamation is liberation for some. I just don't feel the need, but perhaps others do. I would always advise someone who wants to do this, to carefully examine all the reasons why and then weigh the pros and cons.

  3. #3

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    I have to agree with Dog Boy on this one. He has stated it better than I could ever try.

    I will add this. My ABDL side is mainly non-sexual. Ok, there are rare instances where diapers turn me on. In any case, I have to ask, why would I tell anyone besides who I am intimate with, about my non-sexual ABDL side? Why do they need to know? Does it help our relationship? Does it help them?

    And, if I did "come out", why stop with just exposing my non-sexual ABDL side? Why not also tell them who I do, what I do, when I do it, where I do it, and why I do it. What I am trying to say, is that there needs to be boundaries in all relationships and the level of these boundaries depend on the relationship. I just can't think of anyone I would tell about my sex life, except someone I would marry or have sex with. It's just none of their business. The same questions apply. Why do they need to know? Does it help our relationship? Does it help them?

    I hope a theme is noticed here. It's not about me but its about other peoples feelings.

  4. #4
    toujoursbb

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    Living freely my ABDL life would be fantastic. I try to do it as much as I can, away from the sight of others, except my fantastic wife. I am so naturaly happy and "normal" when I walk the dog in my childish shortalls late at night. However, other than considering perhaps one-day share this intimate secret with 1-2 friends, I don't think it would be globally a + to come out. Thank's God, I was fortunate enough to meet my incredibly loving and understanding wife wihich eases my frustrations. I wish you all the same, finding a partner in life who loves you completely, without questions. I found her late but not too late...

  5. #5

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    I think it's important to live a life that is not governed by the need to hide facets of it from the people you love. That's why my close friends and family know. If more people find out, I really don't care. I'm not here to please anyone else.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I can't imagine saying to even one or two personal friends that I like wearing and using diapers to appease my fetish, any more than I would tell them that I enjoy using a vibrator for sex. Why would they want to know? I sure don't want to know what they do behind their own closed doors.
    ^ THIS.

    =

    On a more elaborate note:

    I am IC and a DL - no AB part.. but that doesn't matter to say so.

    AND I NEVER UNDERSTOOD why people feel the NEED to let anyone - aside from your SO - in on this.
    honestly? WHY? I mean I don't care what some of my friends do at home behind closed doors. I also VALUE PRIVACY like a LOT.

    I also do NOT feel either limited, restrained or hampered in any other way about my DL or IC Side ( I don't make that big a deal out of my IC - but I AM DISCRETE (for my own good feeling)... if someone NEEDS to know or FINDS out - no problem)... But yet 99% of the people around me have NO CLUE that I'm IC... and I LIKE THIS. why? it gives me an entire sense of normality, of being able to lead my life without my IC causing any issue, any "disability" and special treatment, etc... I want to live my life as FREE FROM IT AS POSSIBLE.

    Same - but even a LOT MORE SERIOUS - for my DLism (and other Kinks): I am open about them with the ONLY person that it does REALLY CONCERN: My girlfriend (+10 years)... But aside from this? why would some of my friends or family need to KNOW that I ENJOY DIAPERS... Why?
    What would I gain from it? Nothing, but maybe in the professional world people would react quite differently. No way to predict, and no good reason to find out - as I don't gain anything from it.

    I have such a hard time understanding folks here who feel the need to go public with this... to "Out themselves" to anyone or at least a broader audience. Let alone the few who have chosen to go on the mass-media stage with this.

    I'm pretty sure one of the guys I regularly work with is into SERIOUS BDSM stuff ... but honestly whilst I'm myself a good bit into this line of things, I don't really find it something I care to know about others - especially in a professional environment.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by EPO1 View Post
    AND I NEVER UNDERSTOOD why people feel the NEED to let anyone - aside from your SO - in on this.
    honestly? WHY? I mean I don't care what some of my friends do at home behind closed doors. I also VALUE PRIVACY like a LOT

    ...

    I'm pretty sure one of the guys I regularly work with is into SERIOUS BDSM stuff ... but honestly whilst I'm myself a good bit into this line of things, I don't really find it something I care to know about others - especially in a professional environment.
    I agree, but this got me thinking about why coming "out" about other aspects of one's sexuality IS considered more acceptable, and essential even - e.g., coming out as "gay".

    My philosophy on life is to keep everything private, unless speaking about it will enhance some aspect of my relationship with the person I am telling. A "needs to know basis", if you will. Before I sound like an incredibly repressed person (far from it!) I should clarify that it is not necessarily a high threshold, and could be as simple as "it makes good chat". I've told friends incredibly personal issues in the past, because I stand to gain emotional support from it. I've told friends in broad terms that I am into BDSM, because when I seek relationship advice, I need to - ahem - clarify some of the non-vanilla aspects. But as for what actually goes on in the bedroom - dear lord no. Not only would talking about my collection of toys and how my dominant and I play be completely irrelevant to my relationship with a friend, I could also potentially offend said friend, and I would also feel that sharing something so private with someone other than my dominant would reduce the strength of our bond. What information I choose to share with whom is an important part of letting the recipient know that I trust them.

    So then how does this differ from being gay? Ultimately it comes down to how comfortable you are with this facet of your life, and how comfortable it is reasonable to expect you to be with it. Not telling someone you're gay kind of requires you to never introduce your SO to your wider circle of friends, which seems unreasonable. But what does not coming out as being ABDL do, other than stop you acting out some of your fantasies at certain times in public? Not a huge amount, IMO.

    It is telling that all 7 of the OP's reasons come down to accepting oneself. I think this is entirely possible without "outing" yourself to the entire world. If you feel the need to - hey go for it. I'm just not convinced that the response you'll get will necessarily be positive and it's not necessarily because "society" judges those who are different, but those who have different views to the norm on where the public/private barrier lies.

  8. #8

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    “But what does not coming out as being ABDL do, other than stop you acting out some of your fantasies at certain times in public? Not a huge amount, IMO.”

    I whole-heartedly disagree. This is a blanket statement that does not apply universally to all ABDL*s. I know for me A. what ABDL* is to me is different than your idea, and B. my environment is different.


    I really don’t think my ABDL* counts as acting out fantasies in public. I think this phrasing is actually quite rude. I don’t fantasize about about ABDL*, I am just ABDL*. I see this choice of words as equally rude as referring to my sexual orientation as an “alternative lifestyle”. I further see that your ideas of what ABDL* means to me are distorted.

    On another note, other than stopping me from “living out fantasies, being in the closet:
    Stops me from having the support of family and friends
    Prevents me from having toys, diapers, other babythings visible in my bedroom.
    Being able to live without fear of exposure guiding my every decision.
    Not being to express myself as an individual. I usually dress like a toddler, not in a way that sticks out, but it does influence my casual attire. It is important to me to look cute rather than sexy.
    Not being able to say “gee mom and dad, I don’t want to get married and have children. I possibly want to be adopted or get into a non-sexual relationship in which cuddling and ABDL* are the only forms of intimacy as opposed to sex.”
    Now that I have had said conversation my parents have eased off on the whole why haven’t you found a girl thing.
    These are just a few of the issues I had being the closet. I could go on.


    Having certain people know about my ABDL* is necessary. My situation may be slightly different than others though. My mother has serious boundary issues and used to dig through my stuff constantly. Heck even my dad used to go on random “drug searches” in my room. Eventually I started having panic attacks when I was at school, or whenever I was away from my stuff in my bedroom. My lifestyle means my ABDL* is on a need to know basis with anyone who comes to visit. With my parents in particular everyting is on a need to know basis. The do not understand the concept of privacy. This is just the way our relationship is about everything, not just ABDL*. My mom was stalking me on ADISC and thus I had to change my name. She is probably reading this thread. ☹


    “Why should my parents know about my ABDL* life? That is weird”

    First of all let me remind everyone, ABDL* IS NOT SEXUAL FOR ME!!! and is not for a fair number of ABDL*s. Additionally most ABDL*s have at least some aspect of their ABDL* which is not sexual in nature. One can come out the non-sexual aspects of thier ABDL* without disclosing the sexual part.



    As far as folks who ABDL* is just a kink... As much as I really am not enthusiastic to know about what my parents do… This is just the way my family is. It is important to discuss this kind of stuff some times. I have had medical issues and my parents have tried to offer their guidance. My dad had similar issues when he was my age. Sexual function is a huge indicator of health. This is why doctors ask about it. Although I personally don't like discussing sexuality with my family I can say it may help reduce the misconceptions young people have about sex from watching pornography. I have heard this is an issue with some young people.

  9. #9

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    ForeverSmall,

    Although you haven't changed my mind - I still think coming out should only be for spouses and fellow ABDL's - this is probably the best post I've read to advocate coming out. So well done on that front.

    Your reasons are clearly very persuasive to some ABDL's: the ones who want to come out. Some are OK with others seeing their diapers, knowing they regress, and knowing they identify as little to an extent. But I don't think most of us are. I'm not going to argue statistics that don't exist, but my impression from this community is that most of us would rather keep this part of ourselves hidden.

    There are lots of reasons for this: safety, preserving relationships, employability - you've heard them all in various debates on this forum. But here's the thing: even if I could be a public AB and not lose my job, my friends and family, and be at risk of physical violence... I still wouldn't. Even if it were 100% safe and accepting.

    There are two reasons for this. First, my adult side. I'm still an adult to the world, and I like it that way. I like that the world sees me as an adult, and not as a child. Even if I were accepted as a little, I don't want that to be my primary identity. And, fair or not, that's how I would be seen. We tend to identify people by their differences, sadly, and even if every AB came out, we're rare enough that this would be our defining trait. I want to present to society as an adult, even though I have a little side. I know you're not advocating telling everybody, but in a small town like mine, word travels quickly. So for the sake of my adult identity, I'd keep my little side hidden.

    The second reason is that I simply don't believe there are tangible benefits to others knowing. I've been able to accept myself, learn about my identity, and use my AB side to live a more fulfilling life - all without telling a single person offline. I think it's possible by exploring who you are in a safe community, like this one, or perhaps a real-life ageplay or kink group if there is one in your area. I don't feel limited by this more than I need to be. (And yes, ABDL needs limits! Without them, we either go way overboard, or fall into the destructive binge-purge cycle). We don't need to live an open AB lifestyle to be fulfilled. Rather, fulfillment comes from a balanced lifestyle that includes ABDL and a variety of other activities. So overall, I don't see any real benefits to being open about one's ABDL.

    Thanks for a very well-presented argument that I'm sure will appeal to some readers. However, be sure to count the cost carefully before "coming out" to the general public. Make sure there's not a safer, less permanent way to meet your needs. I do appreciate your efforts to help the AB community, but be sure you understand the implications of your advice.

  10. #10

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    "Thanks for a very well-presented argument that I'm sure will appeal to some readers. However, be sure to count the cost carefully before "coming out" to the general public. Make sure there's not a safer, less permanent way to meet your needs. I do appreciate your efforts to help the AB community, but be sure you understand the implications of your advice."

    I am not advocating that people come out. I am advocating that members of the ABDL* community accept and respect the ABDL*s who do wish to come out or are out. Our community has a habit of jumping down anyone's throat who says that want to come out. Ultimately I disagree with the notion that coming out is "wrong" according to some people. It may not be safe or practical to come out in todays world, however people who do take the risk to come out are not bad people.

    "There are lots of reasons for this: safety, preserving relationships, employability - you've heard them all in various debates on this forum. But here's the thing: even if I could be a public AB and not lose my job, my friends and family, and be at risk of physical violence..."

    These reasons for not coming out should not exist and are terrible. We are good people. We are not hurting anyone. We deserve to be safe and free like everyone else. Those of us who do want to be out should not have to face these challenges.

    Some people in this community refuse to accept that ABDL*s have been persecuted and that out ABDL*s face these challenges. It makes me angry. I just got out of a thread with people telling me that ABDL*s don't ever face discrimination or hate. Now I start this thread an people start telling me they could not come out even if they wanted to because of discrimination and hatred. You can see how this can be frustrating.

    The ABDL* community needs to realize these facts:
    A. Some ABDL*s although a minority, want to be out.
    B. Out ABDL*s do in fact face stigmas, misconceptions, discrimination, and hatred.
    C. Some ABDL*s are not sexual and ABDL* has no place in the bedroom for these people, thus it would not make sense for these people to keep it in the bedroom. There is no ABDL* in the bedroom to keep in there...

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