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Thread: Non accepting spouse

  1. #1

    Default Non accepting spouse

    This is for anyone that has had or currently has a non accepting spouse for your ab/dl lifestyle. I am sorta currently in this situation. My spouse wants me to be her "man". I total understand this and it's normal for a guy to take care of their woman.
    Now when I first told her about my baby side she was actually kinda relieved because I guess I was making a bigger deal than it was, but how can you blame me when telling someone something like this. So she was ok about it and was glad that I told her. I don't think she really understood though what I meant. I say this because I wanted to start out slow. So I got a pacifier and that was it. I even sked her if I can buy it and she was like ya sure. So I use my pacifier for a while and I can tell she doesn't really like it too much. She tells me that she wishes I wouldn't do it around her. After this I felt really sad because I got my hopes up because of the vibe I got from her after I told her about my baby side. So now I'm really confused and scared to even use my pacifier anymore. I'm afraid we will break up because of my baby ways. I wish it wasn't like this. I tried my best to tell her in the best way possible. I wish she can just accept me and love me for who I am.
    Now I understand you can't get everything you want in life but I feel I was kinda slapped in the face. I knew I had to take it slow in the beginning. I know that I also have to respect what she wants out of me and I give that. Will we ever change as a couple? I lover so much and want to be with only her for the rest of my life but I'm getting super stressed about this issue.
    I haven't used my pacifier in over a month and we never talk about my baby side. As much as I want to I feel I can't because her doors are already shut. We have agreed to go to couples therapy howeve that is for the most part other issues. I'm not sure what to do. I'm really scared things just won't turn out well.

    Just a few questions for everyone.
    Have you been in a relationship with a non accepting other?
    If so what was it like?
    What do you suggest in a situation like this?
    How should I handle this in order to move forward?
    If you are in a relationship where your spouse does accept your baby side then please feel free to maybe explain or point out why it has worked out.
    Lastly thank you all for taking the time to read this.

  2. #2


    Hi Dommy

    I am going to stick my neck out and just offer some advice based on things I have been told over the last few years. (Just for the record: this is based on my personal experience and I am in no way professional)

    1) Do go to couples therapy or as my therapist called it couples couching. This will help you both to learn how to communicate properly so that common ground can be found and reasonable boundaries can be set for all issues not just the ABDL. I have also been to a wonderful class that is offered in the northwest (not stopping to look at were you are from) but the book that I got from the class is great. "Surviving the marriage fog" is a real good read and another book that I got at this class was "Being my spouses better half". My wife is reading them now and I do not know where she has them but if you cant find them let me know through a PM and I will get the authors names to help you find them.

    2) As for your spouses accepting or not, the main issue is discussing the boundaries and communication. There is a lot of threads talking about this subject and whether or not the spouse is accepting the key is communication and respecting each others wishes. I am sure I am safe in saying that everyone in this group that uses diapers has had experience doing it in private and/or hiding it from family. The key is to communicate with your spouse and establish boundaries and respecting each others wishes. Oh ya encase I did not mention it the most important thing of all is communication.

    3) Remember to work on what your needs are and WHY! you must have self acceptance and an understanding of what it is you are actually looking for in the whole scheme of things. This is identifying the issues that lead to the "need to be a baby", what it is that you hope to gain from doing this, an d how it is helping and or hindering you in life. Then with that knowledge you can establish boundaries for your self and a balance of the abdl and real life.
    These are the things that I have gained from this site. With the help of the members and my therapist I have been able to become more comfortable about who I am and what life is all about for me.

    So yes your spouse is correct and she needs you to be a man, but she also needs to know that in almost all of the stories on this site this is not something we jumped into line to do. Again it comes down to balance and boundaries, one has to put on the big boy undies in order to provide for the diapers.

    Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
    Last edited by egor; 04-Jul-2013 at 08:11.

  3. #3


    To be honest. i feel sorry for your troubles. I don't see why she should be upset. i mean even if you wear nappies and suck your thumb. You are still her man and arent hurting anyone in the process... Hope you get this resolved

  4. #4


    I was with a woman once who started sleeping at my house fairly regularly and decided do wash and put away all the laundry in the laundry room before i got home from work so she found my stash and asked me about it, kept calling them "depends" which is what everybody calls all diapers in her world apparantly. So i tried explaining why i wore them (only at nite back then) told her about my injury and so on and all she wanted to do was constantly try and shun me for wearing diapers saying nobody over 2 years old head any buisiness wearing a diaper for any reason. I should also add that her 8 year old daughter still wore baby diapers to bed (pretty normal) and she shunned her own daughter and said she did it on purpose and i did it on purpose. I finally had to have a heart to heart with her more for her daughter than me and eventually had to end the relationship but not without seeing to it she understood she was damaging her own daughters self image. It flat out amazes me how someone will hurt those they love so much because of their own stupidity

  5. #5


    Thanks for the replies everyone. Kenworth, that is pretty sad and I'm glad you did the right thing and didn't put up with what she believed in. Egor, thank you for the positive feedback, I will use your advise wisely. Nappybutt, thank you for your feelings towards me and I too hope everything works out well.

  6. #6


    Hi Donny,I can understand your predicament with regards to your infantalism because I only came out to my wife about wearing diapers and plastic babypants last year after ,33 yrs of marriage and it really didn't go to well with her totally freaking out calling me perverted etc. She wanted me to get rid of all my nappiesand plastic pants however I said it was that was impossible and arguments ensued for months and at the beginning of the yr started wetting the bed not on purpose but just woke up when peeing this happened about ,,,4 Times in ,4 months and after the last time I suggested that to protect the bed I wore nappies and plastic pants however she was horrified and another argument ensued with me going off in a huff,after a while my wife found me and surprised me by saying that she knew I could not give up wearing so I could wear to bed so long as I wore pj bottoms.this was a surprising change of heart but a welcome one ,and from that day I wear everynight to bed and now because it's hot I don't wear pj bottoms just nappies ,so my advice would be keep doing things for your wife and take things slowly and hopefully your wife will come round like my wife,she still doesnt like me Wearing but knows it makes me happy and so long as its not in her face tolerates my wearing.hopefully give your wife time and hopefully after a while she like my wife will come round but the road Maybe Rocky for sometime time but keep telling her its something you can't help and that you love her and you are still the same man she married.good luck and hopefully soon she will change her stance and realize that you will be very moody and irritable if you cannot wear your nappies and plastic babypants .
    Good luck and let me know how you get on all the best

  7. #7


    I think it's great that you're going to couples' counseling. Couples' counseling worked wonders for my current relationship. It's unlikely that we'd still be together today without it.

    Of course, counseling only works if both partners are willing to work. Remember the light bulb joke "How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change." Couples counseling is like that. Both partners have to be willing to change their behavior, especially the way that they communicate. If one person thinks that all of the problems in the relationship are the other person's fault, counseling won't work. If both people are willing to work on themselves and on the relationship, counseling can help you do that work better than you could on your own.

    I think it might help you to think some more about what kind of acceptance you need. There are different kinds of acceptance. Does acceptance mean willingness to be actively involved in ABDL play with you? Does it mean being comfortable with you wearing diapers or using baby items like a pacifier in her presence, but not necessarily getting actively involved? Or would it be enough if she's comfortable with you exploring your ABDL side on your own, and giving you space to do that?

  8. #8


    Hi Dommy,

    You already got good advices before, like trying to do some work with a psychologist which is worth it for a loving couple facing an emotional challenge. Accepting the other like the other is,is certainly part of real love and a happy long-lasting relationship. If I may, I can share with you some thoughts.

    I really learned what was real love later in my life, in fact when I met a woman who obviously (I could feel that for the first time in my life) would accept me with my ABDL side, before she knew it. I had kept my ABDL side totally secret because no doubt I subconsciously knew that my first wife would not be able to give me what I felt I needed. And I think I was right to wait and live secretly occasionnaly my ABDL.

    I did some therapy after I had put an end to this previous long relationship which was retrospectively, a very ordinary couple life. It was not a continuous nightmare, we had kids and loved them, and still do, but I had never felt in my heart nor mind that the door was open for anything such as my secret garden, and I realized that love was not what I thought before. Why not therapy before marriage failure? Without love, no therapy can help much, I think.

    Finally, I took me time to integrate this very important ABDL soul as fundamental to my peace and happiness. I suppose it is normal for people to sometimes need years to understand the real meaning of life and love. Though I occasionaly tried "to get rid of" my ABDL side, well, like many I suppose, I was unable to. In fact I now think that I should not try to get rid of it, it's me... I feel privileged really to be an ABDL. I could have thrown myself who knows in what to compensate my need of affection, love, tenderness, etc...

    So be patient. Now that you have shared this important reality with your love-life partner, try your best so that she might learn important things about love and life and try to find out how she can progressively accept you like you are and who knows, even like it and realize how good it is to have an husband perhaps a bit peculiar, but happy and who can share this hapiness in return. Naturally, on your side, you will need to be open to her inner something.


  9. #9


    I've had accepting and non-accepting girlfriends before. Generally speaking most people don't understand it or don't want to understand it because it's something foriegn and something they're not used to. Or they may think it's gross which is understandable if you use the diaper in any way. But when you have an accepting partner that don't care when you do it or not it's pretty awesome. Not having to go hiding away to be diapered or feeling guilty if you're doing it behind their back or anything. I can't see any relationship working if you had to keep it a secret. I think if it was something you did and they didn't want any part of it sure, but hiding and never telling them seems like it would be bad.

  10. #10


    Have you been in a relationship with a non accepting other?

    Yes I have.

    If so what was it like?

    It was very hard. He acted like I was retarded and he was very closed minded about it and bigoted and he said it made him feel like a pedophile and that he was with a small child instead. He also used adult baby as an insult for anything about me like what shows I watched or things I liked or what I ate or movies I had, etc.

    What do you suggest in a situation like this?

    If they don't accept it, get out.

    How should I handle this in order to move forward?

    Same as above. You can't fix stupid. If they don't want to learn it or understand it, run.

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