Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Thread: Redefining self towards AB

  1. #1

    Question Redefining self towards AB

    This is actually my first post outside my introduction, so I hope I'm not saying anything crazy or (possibly worse) old hat.

    In my intro I defined myself as a caretaker only, but I actually wrote the content of that quite a long time ago and just finally pasted it in a couple of days ago... since then I've done a lot more looking around inside my own head, and I'm... wondering if maybe I'm, if not an actual AB, then a lot closer to it than I thought...

    I haven't always done so well as a caretaker - I'm ashamed to admit I've actually done rather terribly at it sometimes, usually because I got caught up wishing someone would do the same things for me - or, much more oddly, resenting when someone else actually tried...

    In the end I'm left wondering if it makes sense for someone who's been in the caretaker role to realize they were in the wrong place all along... I mean, I consider myself an intensely intellectual person, and I wouldn't even necessarily be comfortable with being treated as if I were too young, but at the same time I'm pretty sure I'd be a lot happier with someone to look after me in the way a caretaker does.

    I'm scared of defining myself incorrectly, of misunderstanding what a caretaker (or an AB for that matter) is, of being a greater burden than I'm worth even if I had someone looking after me... Am I completely crazy?

  2. #2

    Default

    Well I guess the most simple and straight forward answer to that dilemma, is why are you asking?

    Not to sound rude or dismissive, but, I think you would know... however, I guess it is also possible that you have developed an attraction to the nurturing that is present in an AB relationship. Which could I suppose render you an AB. by proxy, or at least a sympathetic AB.

    I think what I'm trying to get at, is that for most of us, this as been present to our minds, well forever, rather than a new hobby or interest. It is possible, given your present relationship (without knowing it's full context) that your interest is the result of latent desires that have until now been suppressed. Either way, this really is a matter for you to reflect on.

    Let us know how you get on.

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ozbub View Post
    Well I guess the most simple and straight forward answer to that dilemma, is why are you asking?

    Not to sound rude or dismissive, but, I think you would know... however, I guess it is also possible that you have developed an attraction to the nurturing that is present in an AB relationship. Which could I suppose render you an AB. by proxy, or at least a sympathetic AB.

    I think what I'm trying to get at, is that for most of us, this as been present to our minds, well forever, rather than a new hobby or interest. It is possible, given your present relationship (without knowing it's full context) that your interest is the result of latent desires that have until now been suppressed. Either way, this really is a matter for you to reflect on.

    Let us know how you get on.
    I definitely agree with this comment, but would add (or state in a different way for I may have simply misunderstood the post) that you may have discovered an interest in care taking through repressed or unrealized ab tendencies/emotions. What I mean by this is that you may enjoy care taking because you subconsciously want to be in the same position. The resentment toward people who try to do that for you may stem from an environmentally (as in household or social environment) induced repression/shame towards such feelings. I know for a fact that I enjoy taking care of/hanging out with little kids (especially little cousins and my neighbours) mainly because I live vicariously through such interactions; I can occasionally be a kid with them, and when I am not I feel as if I am by living through their experiences.
    That said, I agree that only you could answer your question, and that can only be done through open minded self-exploration. Of course, you could always try a psychologist (mine helped me a lot), but it is ultimately up to you to define who you are. Everybody else can only guess based on evidence given.

  4. #4

    Default

    I'm not a professional, so I can't very well say if you're crazy or not. However, from reading this, it's not making me think you should run off to get help (maybe saunter slowly, checking out interesting things along the way). More important than that is to give yourself the opportunity to try different things. There's probably no way to really know how big a deal this will be to you, but if it's nagging at you and you have the opportunity, why not give it a try?

    If you do pursue this, I would suggest you attempt as best you can to let go of your adult baggage. Being an intellectual person is neither here nor there in this sense. Intellectual people can still fall in love and like that, this is about vulnerability. It's finding someone who will recognize that you're sharing something deep about yourself and who won't make fun of you for it (unless you're into that). Irony doesn't help here. Emotional distance is likewise counter-productive. Don't expect to be great at this right off the bat. I think I was fortunate that the one I care for slips into the zone in a way that is very easy to react to. Still, if he had been just as awkward as I was to start, I think we'd still have gotten there, just more slowly.

    If you decide to try this, start slowly, talk with your caretaker and be honest about your desires and your ambivalence. Think about what you'd like that person to do with you and for you and try to explain what you're looking for. I've lost count of the number of conversations we've had on this topic. We're friends and we talk about a lot of other things, but since neither of us are mindreaders, getting some clarity on desires and expectations is critical. Although I enjoy it personally, the real purpose is to do it well so it will feel right for him. If you've got someone who can approach it in a similar fashion, give it a shot. If it's not for you, it's still an interesting experience.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by AmenoSei View Post
    I'm scared of defining myself incorrectly, of misunderstanding what a caretaker (or an AB for that matter) is, of being a greater burden than I'm worth even if I had someone looking after me... Am I completely crazy?
    Alan Watts put it quite succinctly, "Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth."

    We should focus less on the definition of people/roles and what they should be, and instead focus on how other people and the roles we assume makes us feel. If it doesn't feel good, then stop doing it. If it feels right, then keep it up.

    As someone who's been getting into caretaking myself, I've often pondered what it really means to look after someone. The conclusion I always draw is that it really depends on the other person and what common ground we share. If there's plenty of common ground in the things we enjoy, then I don't see how what those things are is important. Just accept it for what it is and enjoy doing them in each other's company.

    But that's not to say there aren't requirements as well. I would strongly recommend being open with the people you are looking after and try to understand what their needs (physical, psychological, emotional) really are, then cater to those needs.

    Likewise, make your own needs clear. If that means sometimes you want to be in the role of a playmate, or to be babied yourself, then voice it. The rest should fall into place.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by AmenoSei View Post
    This is actually my first post outside my introduction, so I hope I'm not saying anything crazy or (possibly worse) old hat.

    In my intro I defined myself as a caretaker only, but I actually wrote the content of that quite a long time ago and just finally pasted it in a couple of days ago... since then I've done a lot more looking around inside my own head, and I'm... wondering if maybe I'm, if not an actual AB, then a lot closer to it than I thought...

    I haven't always done so well as a caretaker - I'm ashamed to admit I've actually done rather terribly at it sometimes, usually because I got caught up wishing someone would do the same things for me - or, much more oddly, resenting when someone else actually tried...

    In the end I'm left wondering if it makes sense for someone who's been in the caretaker role to realize they were in the wrong place all along... I mean, I consider myself an intensely intellectual person, and I wouldn't even necessarily be comfortable with being treated as if I were too young, but at the same time I'm pretty sure I'd be a lot happier with someone to look after me in the way a caretaker does.

    I'm scared of defining myself incorrectly, of misunderstanding what a caretaker (or an AB for that matter) is, of being a greater burden than I'm worth even if I had someone looking after me... Am I completely crazy? :sad:
    Everyone is a little bit crazy on their own ;), just my 0,02$.

    Anyway, i'm just... I don't know how to answer your questions, since you know yourself best, so I'm only telling you something which fits for a lot people, including me, maybe also for you.
    Where do i start.... I'm an AB, thus I like to slump; letting fall myself in the arms of a caring person, which watches over me. I want to forget all problems and stressful situations at least for while.
    And I think a really big part why i'm enjoying this, is while being adult I'm rather caring and trying to help other people instead of myself. Doing everything it may take, trying to find solutions to certain problems, even if it takes ages. Caring for anyone I know and helping them as much as I can. And trying atleast to give it a shot with problems from strangers.
    But therefore I feel kinda empty from time to time, since i'm giving more than i'm taking.
    However, this is why I thing, it's a good thing, that i developed my ab side, so i'm getting attention, simply put.

    Eitherway I think, it's nothing wrong having a caring side and this taking side, also if both are ab/dl related, since everything is a negotiation somehow. We all want. We all give to get what we want. Especially if you're in a relationship it's important that you both "give", figuratively speaking, may it be how silly "it wants to be", as long as it fits, nothing is wrong about it.
    Furthermore there's nothing wrong about helping in general, also caring in an ab relation. Even if you may think, you're doing a horrible job at first. Over time you're getting experienced, no matter the scenario. Just listen to one's wishes and expectations and give it your best shot, noone can do more.

    And the other thing, there's absolutely nothing wrong about wanting to get cared for, or being little sometimes. I guess we all agree on this part.
    That's the first time that I heard about that this would make you dumb somehow :p.... kids aren't stupid anyway, people are. They're just unexperienced, but still remarkable for their intelligence and ardor, for their curiosity, their intolerance of shams, the clarity and ruthlessness of their vision.
    And by the way, the secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which mean never losing your enthusiasm. Furthermore being child-like is not having an "arrested" development; on the contrary, it's giving yourself a chance of continuing to develop long after most adults have muffled themselves in the cocoon of middle-aged habit and convention.

    I hope this helps somehow.

  7. #7

    Default

    daLira already mentioned the most important things to be said, so I just want to add a tiny extra bit of opinion: why not both?

    As daLira already put, many probably already do both - they are caretakers, simply because they care (and then they're AB's too). And I think it is safe to say, most people around here are caretakers in one way or another.
    The terms might be confusing. For example, I have been toying with the idea that it could be nice to care for an adult-child. For me that means a mature person that simply wants to retreat into no-problems-heaven where only happy thoughts exist. I do however know I would not be comfortable with changing a Nr 2 for example. Now that, any my lack of experience (it only being a thought for now), made me not put that in my profile. I wouldn't introduce myself as a caretaker.

    Yet still, I am. Just enjoying to provide a cold drink to your partner when he/she comes home from work on a hot day can mean you're a caretaker. Because you take care.

    Well, long story short: There is no reason not to be both. It's not a bad thing. And equally, I see no need to achieve a certain "level" of being this or that to qualify for it, or whatever. If you only like "light" caretaking, then so be it. Enjoy that. Don't stress yourself with what others will think, do what you like, what makes you happy. And in extension: communicate with your partner, talk talk talk. Only that will help you getting closer to a place where both are happy, as far as that is possible in the light of your individual interests.

    Now I do hope this is understandable, darn flu is making my head weird. If not, please accept my apology

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by nosuwhide View Post
    daLira already mentioned the most important things to be said, so I just want to add a tiny extra bit of opinion: why not both?

    As daLira already put, many probably already do both - they are caretakers, simply because they care (and then they're AB's too). And I think it is safe to say, most people around here are caretakers in one way or another.
    The terms might be confusing. For example, I have been toying with the idea that it could be nice to care for an adult-child. For me that means a mature person that simply wants to retreat into no-problems-heaven where only happy thoughts exist. I do however know I would not be comfortable with changing a Nr 2 for example. Now that, any my lack of experience (it only being a thought for now), made me not put that in my profile. I wouldn't introduce myself as a caretaker.

    Yet still, I am. Just enjoying to provide a cold drink to your partner when he/she comes home from work on a hot day can mean you're a caretaker. Because you take care.

    Well, long story short: There is no reason not to be both. It's not a bad thing. And equally, I see no need to achieve a certain "level" of being this or that to qualify for it, or whatever. If you only like "light" caretaking, then so be it. Enjoy that. Don't stress yourself with what others will think, do what you like, what makes you happy. And in extension: communicate with your partner, talk talk talk. Only that will help you getting closer to a place where both are happy, as far as that is possible in the light of your individual interests.

    Now I do hope this is understandable, darn flu is making my head weird. If not, please accept my apology
    Well, it's understandable... actually, I think it's the clearest thing anyone's said on the subject so far. (No offense to the other posters in the thread, everyone has good thoughts!) I'm not sure if I have much of a response, other than thank you!

  9. #9

    Default

    Well, you're welcome It's a bit weird trying to help others seeing as I'm quite confused myself when it comes to the topic of diapers, caretaking and such.
    But well..who cares, happy if I could help

    Feel free to ask more if you so desire..

  10. #10

    Default

    Not crazy, but a tad confused because of misunderstanding how category distinctions work. Categories are USEFUL as long as they make things easier to understand; but when it comes to such nebulous and personal things as ab/dl/ct etc. there are no hard and fast delineations. Lines blur, and sometimes the most apt descriptor might be one thing, sometimes another; how you define yourself not only can vary moment to moment but over longer periods of time, as you age. These things are fluid.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.