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Thread: I want to embrace my ABDL boyfriend

  1. #1

    Default I want to embrace my ABDL boyfriend

    Hi everyone,

    I have recently found out/put together that my boyfriend is (forgive my lack of grasp on terminology) ABDL. He has dropped hints about it in the past -- wanting me to put him in goodnites, spank him like a toddler, etc. -- along with some more subtle cues, and I recently (accidentally!!) stumbled across an online profile of his where he said he was a AB/DL and wanted a mommy. After a lot of reading and digesting, I am totally supportive of him and want to embrace this as a part of our relationship and lifestyle, but other than the maybe once weekly comment, he hasn't said much. The past few times I have been with him I have been making an effort to baby him a little more and have been bringing up the possibility of putting him in goodnites, and he is responding really well. Last night I asked him if I was on target with what he liked, and he said I was, but kind of shut down after that. I told him that he could always be honest with me and I wasn't going to turn him away, and he told me that he has been and then changed the subject.

    I am really worried that he feels he can't approach me about this because of my past -- I was open with him about a guy I dated who wanted to be my "daddy" and I was not into that at all, but I have discovered through him that I am much more attracted to the idea of playing the mommy role. I feel really bad for possibly making him feel like he couldn't approach me because of that, and I really want to make him feel embraced and cared for. I'm just confused as to what the best way to do this is -- I know that he is very sensitive and I don't want to hurt him further by thinking I know everything about what he likes when I probably only know a little. Obviously this is different for everyone, but how can I best help him know that I am more than okay with introducing this into our relationship if it's something he wants? I'm worried that if I'm too bold he will shut down, but if I'm too passive, he won't open up. I care about him a lot and want this to work, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2

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    Hi rubberduckie! Welcome to the forums! It's great to see you wanting to embrace this side of your boyfriend and I'm sorry to hear you've been having a little bit of trouble so far!

    First off this can be a sensitive subject for a lot of people so the fact that you're so open is great. From what I can tell it's your boyfriend finding it hard to do so. In my opinion at this point the best thing isn't to ease yourself into it but it's to make sure that everybody involved is comfortable. Your boyfriend needs to know that you're completely accepting and that you don't judge him, you both need to set terms, decide on what exactly you're both willing to do. Make sure everybody's happy.

    But again, even before that, everybody needs to be comfortable. In my opinion the most important step is talking about it properly. From what I can tell that hasn't necessarily been done between you two. You say that he is rarely bringing it up and trying to change or avoid the subject. This tells me that he isn't comfortable. You need to try and set up a safe, calm and private environment where there will be no disruptions where you can completely express your feelings and hopefully encourage him to do the same with his. If not everybody is comfortable or able to talk about it it'll block progress and possibly upset one of you.

    I hope I've helped! If you have any more questions feel free to ask them, we're all here to offer as much support as you need!

    Ross

  3. #3

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    I think it's great that you're so accepting of his kink and you want to make him happy, so well done for that.

    It sounds to me like maybe your boyfriend is perhaps less ready to share this with you, than you are to share it with him.
    I'm basing this on my own experience, which may be completely different to what your BF has been going through, but actually it took me a while before I was ready to share the fact that I was AB with anyone. If your BF still has feelings of fear and shame about this he may not be ready to share this kind of play with you, however much he might like to. Perhaps you should back of it for a little while, and then come back to it again when you've been together for a bit longer? or maybe he'll come to you about it. Good luck anyway :-)

  4. #4
    Countdown

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    If you are a real person (I have a suspicion that all the recent "I discovered my boyfriend's an AB!" accounts are the same person playing a game with everyone), then this is my advice:

    Your boyfriend might be feeling overwhelmed or like, "Holy crap, I can't believe this is really happening, my girlfriend is OK with playing mommy!" I'm not sure if you're aware, but finding a mommy in the AB/DL community is more difficult than finding a needle in a haystack. Liars and fakes aside, it's very rare for someone to find a girl who's willing to play the role of mommy, even occasionally. So, he may not want to ruin this opportunity by taking it too far or focusing too much on the potential AB/DL facet of your relationship.

    I'm not really a good relationship advice person, but I think if you just give it time and keep doing what you're doing now, he'll gradually become more comfortable with the idea that you're willing to play mommy and become more open with you about it.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by rubberduckie View Post
    Hi everyone,

    I have recently found out/put together that my boyfriend is (forgive my lack of grasp on terminology) ABDL.
    He's an AB. There are those of us who enjoy the whole shebang- diapers, regression, roleplay, rattles, bottles, pacifiers- who we call adult babies (ABs). There are also those of us who are really only interested in diapers (usually as a sexual fetish). Those are diaper lovers (DLs). Together, we're the ABDL community. We also use ABDL to refer to the condition of being either AB or DL.



    Quote Originally Posted by rubberduckie View Post
    He has dropped hints about it in the past -- wanting me to put him in goodnites, spank him like a toddler, etc. -- along with some more subtle cues, and I recently (accidentally!!) stumbled across an online profile of his where he said he was a AB/DL and wanted a mommy. After a lot of reading and digesting, I am totally supportive of him and want to embrace this as a part of our relationship and lifestyle, but other than the maybe once weekly comment, he hasn't said much. The past few times I have been with him I have been making an effort to baby him a little more and have been bringing up the possibility of putting him in goodnites, and he is responding really well. Last night I asked him if I was on target with what he liked, and he said I was, but kind of shut down after that. I told him that he could always be honest with me and I wasn't going to turn him away, and he told me that he has been and then changed the subject.
    I would let it go for a while until he brings it up. The thing is, we learn to spend our lives in hiding and keeping our desires secret. While many of us have found that our non-ABDL partners will often indulge us because while they aren't ABDL they still love us, a lot of us spend our adolescents feeling like freaks and thinking that what we like to do completely eliminates the possibility of a normal relationship. My fiancee knows I wear diapers and is entirely ok with it. I've been wearing diapers around her for years and it's still find of awkward to stand around her in a sweatshirt and a wet diaper when she gets home from school and ask about her day. And I've been doing that for years. Talking about this to another person can be a shock, and can be difficult. I would let him go at his own pace.

    I would wait for him to bring it up, and when he does, take your hands off the steering wheel. No pointed questions (eg, would you like me to do this?), just open ended ones (eg, what are some things I could do for you?). Let him control the conversation and see where it goes. It might go more smoothly as well if you have some social lubricant in your system first.

    If you want to push the issue, try using Mojo Upgrade. It's a system where one partner makes an account and lists both e-mail addresses. The first person fills out a quiz which is a long list of sexual activities. For each one, you select either:

    1. No way!
    2. We already do that.
    3. I'd try it if my partner wants.
    4. Hell yea I'd like to do that!


    After you've both done it, it'll e-mail you a list of things you're already doing, things you both want to try, and things that one of you wants to try and the other doesn't but is willing to go along. I don't think that they address ABDL directly, but they do list some things that're tangentially related (BDSM, mommy/daddy, golden showers, etc). Two things to note. First, you need to be honest and do it correctly. You could say "Yes" to every single question and find out everything he'd ever consider, frankly, whether you'd want to know or not. Don't do that. Second, the site was recently featured of /r/Sex, so the deluge of traffic from Reddit has been taking the site down intermittently. You may not dependably get on until it's been enough time that Reddit's forgotten about it.

    If you decide to use it, talk to him about it first. Don't suggest that this is a way to get him to open up to you about ABDL. Say that you read about it and you think it'd be a good way to discover things that you could try together to add to your sex life. Be willing to be the one who makes an account and sets it up.



    Quote Originally Posted by rubberduckie View Post
    I am really worried that he feels he can't approach me about this because of my past -- I was open with him about a guy I dated who wanted to be my "daddy" and I was not into that at all, but I have discovered through him that I am much more attracted to the idea of playing the mommy role. I feel really bad for possibly making him feel like he couldn't approach me because of that, and I really want to make him feel embraced and cared for. I'm just confused as to what the best way to do this is -- I know that he is very sensitive and I don't want to hurt him further by thinking I know everything about what he likes when I probably only know a little.
    At the very least, it isn't helping. First, no guy wants to hear about your past relationships. It's not bad to be aware of your partner's history, but you want their past to be their past. Second, never compare your current relationship to past ones. Big mistake. While I don't think you're trying to do that, it sounds like you're doing so nonetheless. You're with him now; nothing else matters. You need to believe that and he has to know it. Not from your telling him, but from your actions and behaviors.



    Quote Originally Posted by rubberduckie View Post
    Obviously this is different for everyone, but how can I best help him know that I am more than okay with introducing this into our relationship if it's something he wants? I'm worried that if I'm too bold he will shut down, but if I'm too passive, he won't open up. I care about him a lot and want this to work, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
    I'm going to stick with the things I said above. Be ready for conversation when he is, but leave him in the driver's seat. It sounds like he brings it up once in a while, so just wait for your next chance. Mojo Upgrade is another option to think about (talk to him about it first, of course). But overall, just bide your time and don't force anything.

  6. #6

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    Hey everyone Thanks for the advice and clarification. I am definitely a real person and am not trying to troll or play a game.

    As far as the conversation about past relationships -- it was more of an open discussion of what we have done, what we liked and didn't like. At the time I thought it was helpful, and maybe parts of it were, but I am still worried that I may have inadvertently caused some harm there.

    I am definitely going to let him come to me when he's ready for this. At this point I am trying to think of things that I can do to help him feel safe and secure with me, and I'm wondering if I'm right in assuming that the best thing I can do right now is to be very nurturing and caring towards him and explore with him what he has been open about thus far. Last night he brought it up a few times jokingly as we were walking to dinner and I followed his cues and it seemed to go well.

    One thing I'm struggling with -- there don't seem to be a lot of resources/reading material out there for new mommies or mommies in general. Would anyone be able to point me in that direction? I want to learn more so that when/if the conversation happens, I don't say something and feel like putting my foot in my mouth later.

  7. #7

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    Search ABDL on tumblr and see what you find i have a blog and ik of a blog that is named dominate daddy which he and is lil girl are into ageplay and bdsm so he has given some really good advice to others about being a daddy/mommy

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by rubberduckie View Post
    Hey everyone Thanks for the advice and clarification. I am definitely a real person and am not trying to troll or play a game.

    As far as the conversation about past relationships -- it was more of an open discussion of what we have done, what we liked and didn't like. At the time I thought it was helpful, and maybe parts of it were, but I am still worried that I may have inadvertently caused some harm there.

    I am definitely going to let him come to me when he's ready for this. At this point I am trying to think of things that I can do to help him feel safe and secure with me, and I'm wondering if I'm right in assuming that the best thing I can do right now is to be very nurturing and caring towards him and explore with him what he has been open about thus far. Last night he brought it up a few times jokingly as we were walking to dinner and I followed his cues and it seemed to go well.

    One thing I'm struggling with -- there don't seem to be a lot of resources/reading material out there for new mommies or mommies in general. Would anyone be able to point me in that direction? I want to learn more so that when/if the conversation happens, I don't say something and feel like putting my foot in my mouth later.
    Hi again rubberduckie! I'm glad to hear he's bringing it up himself, that's a good sign! It does indeed sound like he needs to know that you're totally accepting and that both he and his secrets are completely safe with you. Being nurturing, comforting and being caring will do that.

    I understand you've had some trouble finding material that assists those in your position. We have a number of articles on the site itself, a couple of which relate to you.

    Here's a "Caretakers Guide" which I think will help you a lot.
    http://www.adisc.org/forum/content/2...aretakers.html

    An overview of what exactly Infantilism is
    http://www.adisc.org/forum/content/1...fantilism.html

    Another great site explaining Infantilism
    Understanding Infantilism

    I hope these articles help you somewhat! Amongst other things we're a community here to support everybody and anybody who wants it or needs it! Feel free to ask any more questions that you may have

  9. #9

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    Hi Rubberduckie.
    I think our friends AEsahaettr and RossThom5245 have hit the nail on the head above.. I think your BF is still simply nervous opening up completely about his full desires. Indeed many of us (be it ABs or DLs) have had this be a part of our lives for a long time, often since start of puberty. We realize that most of the folk around us would just never understand why, so we hide it from all. Some are fortunate to meet like minded people, and form friendship and more. For others, at best become brave enough to admit desires to someone close, but knowing that they don't really understand it, and definitely don't feel the same desires towards it at least in my case, I lose interest. I guess I don't want to force this behavior on somebody.

    I think the best you can do, is as advised above, allow him to come to you with this. As and when he does, continue to show him, and convince him, that you really do wish to explore this with him. He will become more comfortable opening over time.

    Really happy for you both. Wish you all the best. Cute couple.

    Andrew

  10. #10
    professorbock

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    Hi, rubberduckie.

    First off, kudos to you for having an open mind and kind heart. It takes a certain advanced maturity inside to embrace your significant other unconditionally.

    Women with your level of compassion and willingness are extremely rare and difficult to find. From my experience socializing and having female friends, most women tend to have super thick social and sexual barriers they refuse to change or compromise with.

    The good part with this is that your forward-thinking attitude can make anything happen with flying colors. No doubt.

    Secondly, men sure are shy creatures, huh? One moment they dream so badly for the special touch of their dream girl, the next moment when that dream becomes reality, they do a double-check.

    It's only natural to freak out a little bit inside. See, the thing is with guys is that you have to pick their brain from the inside out, from past to present. Then you have to ease them up to a positive challenge, but not a confrontation. So, meditate on that a bit and try to retrace some history to form an honest game plan.

    Retrospectively of what you've told us, it seems unhealthy for your significant other to hold a psychological grudge or resentment against another man you used to know. That needs to be addressed.

    I do hope your boyfriend opens up and warms his heart to fulfill what he's been missing for years.

    Remember, sometimes men hold back their emotions when they should be flailing in ever-eternal grattitude and crying into your chest screaming THANK YOU THANK YOU, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW WONDERFUL AND FREE YOU MAKE ME FEEL.

    Granted, this would come off as a rather extreme hypothetical example, but it is a relevant example of emotional tension in ABDL men. I know, I've experienced it myself after making friends with kinky and strange folks my age.

    Well, if all else fails to materialize, what you CAN do is lead by example. If that means easing yourself into the ABDL lifestyle, wearing a diaper to bed, and inviting your boy to cuddle after a long day, then that just might be the key to a new door in your boy's mind to openness and complete trust.

    Or maybe you can surprise him and wear under a skirt on a public night out. Hey, I know it sounds cheesy, but as silly as it sounds, it's a very common ABDL male fantasy.

    Above all, go slow and take it easy. There's a lot of new bonding to do, it seems.

    Best wishes to you both. You'll make a great couple. Your boy has to understand he has a special partner who is marriage-worthy and more.
    Last edited by professorbock; 08-Apr-2013 at 22:08.

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