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Thread: I feel like there is now no point

  1. #1

    Default I feel like there is now no point

    I have been struggling to explain to my wife about my AB side. I recently read "There's a baby in my bed" and connected with it hugely. I gave it to my wife to read and her reaction has been that I need to see a councillor. My reaction is that I need to be on my own... I don't know what to do... Help.

  2. #2

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    There is more to you than an AB side. There is more to your wife than appears in her reaction to the baby book. When you or your wife encounter something which seems to be a threat, fear is an understandable response. Is it possible that your enthusiasm appeared to her as a threat; and her dismissal appears to you as a threat? that you both put up the shutters as a defence. Would it help if you reduced the perceived threat to her by showing sympathy for her reaction and removing any pressure on her to show an acceptance of what may be a thought of yours which, for the moment, makes very little sense to her. Can you create space in which you both feel safe? My suggestion is well intentioned; it is also tentative, as it should be, because I do not know enough about each of you to allow me to offer anything other than perhaps a one word suggestion which is 'defuse'. If things are defused and both of you feel respected you might easily make progress. Remember too that advice from a distance may be well intentioned but poorly informed, as this is. I write in the hope that you both may find a a gentle and a good way forward.

    Nova.

  3. #3
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    If you feel that your marriage absolutely has to include AB/DL play, and your wife isn't sympathetic to that idea, then maybe you're right: maybe it isn't the right relationship for you. Personally, I think the people who say that they absolutely need to have AB/DL play in their relationships are silly, but who am I to judge? Different people value different things in their personal lives.

    Maybe give it some time, though. It's possible (though unlikely, in my opinion, as most people don't react favorably to AB/DLs) that she'll become more accepting/understanding of the idea in time.

    Good luck.

  4. #4

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    I'm sorry to hear that. It's hard to give advice of a more specific nature when I don't have a lot of information available to me.

    What do you feel like there's no point? Your marriage? Explaining to your wife about it?

    There are a lot of pitfalls in explaining Infantilism/Fetishism to people by just throwing a book at them hoping they will read it and understand it. It's wholly passive aggressive, non specific to you, and you can't direct the conversation.

    You should probably talk to your wife only using the book as a tool, not as the center. You also must accept that they might not (by her reaction, this seems so), and then appropriately deal with the hand you've been dealt. That's all I can say at this time.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eenyweeny View Post
    I have been struggling to explain to my wife about my AB side. I recently read "There's a baby in my bed" and connected with it hugely. I gave it to my wife to read and her reaction has been that I need to see a councillor. My reaction is that I need to be on my own... I don't know what to do... Help.
    I have not read "There's a baby in my bed" but from what I have heard, it is a book about a "lifestyle" AB - someone who wants to spend as much time possibly in AB mode and whose spouse is his caretaker. While you may be aware that the ABDL community has a diverse range of practices, your wife may not be. You might read the book with that in mind and maybe the psychological basis for ABism is what resonates with you (I don't know - you'll have to be clear about this - what part of the book "connected with you hugely"?). Your wife might read the book and see something entirely different. As Geno said, without you to mediate her interaction with the book, she might just be assuming that you want the relationship that the book's author, as a caregiver, has with her husband.

    What you have to think about is what "acceptance" from your wife would be to you. You are trying to explain your AB side to her - what do you want? Do you want and expect her to be your caregiver? Because that is a tall order, and while some spouses might be willing, it is hard to expect that. Her reaction to send you to a councilor might be a result of what she thinks you're asking for. By handing her the book without much prelude, you're leaving it up to her to infer what you're asking for, which is not a good way to come out. Again, I don't know if this is what is happening in your situation, so you will have to give us more information.

    Has she said why she thinks you need to see a councilor? Did you come out to her before you gave her the book (and if so, was it only after reading the book that she saw your AB side as enough of an issue to suggest a councilor)? Does the idea of AB in general bother her, or does the extent of the practices and involvement of the caretaker in "There's a baby in my bed" bother her? Before you make a drastic decision about your relationship, make sure both of you both understand what you take issue with.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Having taken a quick look at a sample of the book, honestly, I don't see how showing this to someone could be a good way to come out or explain ABDL (although that is how the book is marketed). I'm looking at a part that talks about what a "Little One" "needs." The author insistently refers to the AB as "Little One" or "the baby" and it honestly reads like the product descriptions on baby-pants.com. This is explaining how to be a caretaker for an lifestyle AB. It seems to me like this would make most "uninitiated" adults very uncomfortable. It will tell you what ABs want in the extreme case - not what should be presented to an unfamiliar spouse with whom they might need to compromise and whose own boundaries they need to respect.

    There is a threshold of "acceptance," past which, I think, we have to be very grateful to our SOs for going.

    - - - Updated - - -

    For instance, one part reads:


    If your Little One is too young to change his own diapers adequately, then you are up for them all! The reality is that a lot of Littles under two years old are incapable of changing their own diapers, but because they have no one around to change them, they disrupt their regression long enough to change themselves and then return to play.
    I don't know if or how you introduced this book to her (and I don't mean to assume), but I have trouble imagining someone who is not familiar with ABs already viewing a passage like this positively. It essentially is saying... if the AB wants you to change him, you should. And there is really no reason why "acceptance" should entail diaper changes or anything that makes your partner uncomfortable. These kind of things have to be taken on the level of the individual relationship, so the explanation of ABDL really needs to be tuned to your specific relationship.

    Again, I don't mean to assume about what you did. Because you didn't provide a lot of specific information, I am trying to hypothesize as to why you got the reaction that you did from your wife, and I am trying to understand what misconceptions the book may have given her that you should focus on clearing up.

  6. #6

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    I think with something as extreme as wanting to be treated like a baby, along with diaper wearing and changing, you need to begin with very small steps. You're expecting to much from your wife, and really, this should have been discussed before you got married. Now that you are married, I would down play the extremes and go for something simple, like wearing diapers on Saturday and not including her.

    My wife interacts with me to some degree, but I'm also aware that she wants her male, adult husband most of the time. We compromise well with me going to bed in diapers two or three night a week, and going to bed otherwise other nights. There's something to be said about living a balanced life. Since you've given us so little information, we have little to go on. I hope you will return to your thread, which at some point, you must have thought important.

  7. #7

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    Thanks for the great advice. I have slept on it and realised that this must be a big shock and huge ask of my wife. I think I will leave things for now and maybe broach the subject in a while, when she has had a change to come to terms with this, or not.

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    Are you more of an AB or a DL? I ask because unless you fall deep on the AB side of the spectrum there are much better books out there that could be better to share with her. Also this site is a much better resource for her than the book you gave her.

  9. #9

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    I'm definately an AB... It's not much a sexual thing for me, more a comfort.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eenyweeny View Post
    Thanks for the great advice. I have slept on it and realised that this must be a big shock and huge ask of my wife. I think I will leave things for now and maybe broach the subject in a while, when she has had a change to come to terms with this, or not.
    While I understand you may have been discouraged by your wife's reaction, I think you should talk to her again about it to explain to her that you do realize that you made her feel uncomfortable. That would in itself make her a little more comfortable when she realizes that you understand how and why she feels the way she does. You don't have to jump right into a large discussion right then and there but just apologize for dropping that weight on her shoulders and tell her that you care about how she feels. Then sleep on it for a while and broach the subject with your baby steps as you develop more of a plan on how to go about it.

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