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Thread: I Feel Bad In Both Ways

  1. #1

    Default I Feel Bad In Both Ways

    So my friend, who will be referred to as N, we've been hanging out for two years now. Well back then we decided that we wouldn't date each other. So I searched for someone while she looked for someone. My attempts always ended in disaster while she would get boyfriends every other week. Well eventually, we got so close that I told her THE secret (that I still use binkies). She's fine with it and she promised to not tell anyone. Well we have gone through some fights (one major), but we are still close friends.

    But ever since she has been trying to go after one of my guy friends, to the point of obsession, I just started to get feelings for her. She's been going after jerks wishing for someone nice, when that nice person is right there. Even everyone that knows us ask why we don't go out. I'm just so confused. By asking her out would break the promise we made years ago. And on top of that I might be moving in a few months. I just don't know right now.

  2. #2

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    I'm sorry you are going through some complicated emotions, a tug of your heart and a unrequited love. Those can be really hard. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you get some sort of resolution that allows you to move forward.

    I want to give more detailed advice, but I need to know first.. what is this promise you made years ago? Do you feel comfortable telling? If not that's fine, I just feel like I need to know before I can know how I would proceed in the situation.

  3. #3

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    A promise that N and I would never date each other. She said it would feel weird.

  4. #4

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    I would tell her. Tell her that you can't stand watching her get hurt over and over again, that you care for her, and that you would make sure she never gets hurt again.

    But know that this might change your friendship.. either for the better, or.. for the worse. In these kinds of things its hard to give any advice. We don't have the same reasoning because in the end, I don't have to live with the choices I advice you to make, and that changes everything.

  5. #5

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    Invite her to some nice dinner (or whatever she really likes doing with you) and be mature & upfront about your feelings.
    You can keep them to yourself and you'll always regret not having made an "attempt".

    Well there's not guarantee that she'll date you - but if you don't try you'll never find out.


    The "she dates just jerks" thing: sometimes people are "searching" and "trying" - it's her own choice.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by paciloverbaby3 View Post
    A promise that N and I would never date each other. She said it would feel weird.
    Sorry for not paying attention sooner and getting back at you faster. Knowing this, I think it's personally unlikely she would have changed her mind. Though I qualify this with saying I know very little about her and this is mostly based on putting myself in that position. I know that when I don't want a guy to ask me out, when I really value his friendship and don't want him to pursue a relationship that this fact never really changes.

    Still, I understand that given your desperation you might really want to test the waters and see if a relationship could at least be possible. Though there is likely many better ways of handling this situation, the first thing that comes to my crazy mind is possibly just bringing up the promise you guys made casually. Stay sort of indirect, veil your end-result intentions and perhaps just bring up.. "Hey, why do you think it would be weird if we dated again?" in a casual manner.. as if you are really just curious. I tend to be very against lying, but if you actually are curious why it might be weird then it's not a lie it's just not the full truth. Though your true intentions might be obvious if you guys really think about it, just being indirect will still keep a sense of doubt in her mind and you might possibly get away with testing the waters to see if she might be interested in dating without ruining your friendship.

    Possibly. This is all speculation and I admit that I might be completely wrong on this one. The reason it might be weird also might be very clear to you two and thus my whole suggestion sort of falls flat. If that's the case you'll have to decide if attempting to pursue a relationship is worth possibly getting not only rejected but losing her as a friend as well.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by paciloverbaby3 View Post
    So my friend, who will be referred to as N, we've been hanging out for two years now. Well back then we decided that we wouldn't date each other. So I searched for someone while she looked for someone. My attempts always ended in disaster while she would get boyfriends every other week. Well eventually, we got so close that I told her THE secret (that I still use binkies). She's fine with it and she promised to not tell anyone. Well we have gone through some fights (one major), but we are still close friends.

    But ever since she has been trying to go after one of my guy friends, to the point of obsession, I just started to get feelings for her. She's been going after jerks wishing for someone nice, when that nice person is right there. Even everyone that knows us ask why we don't go out. I'm just so confused. By asking her out would break the promise we made years ago. And on top of that I might be moving in a few months. I just don't know right now.
    That is tough. It's hard to see someone you care about so much get hurt by chasing jerks. It's obvious you really care for her.

    One thing I've learned, through being a shy guy, is that many women want a man who will step up. I know this isn't always true, and may not be true for your friend, but it is true for lots of women. It answers the age-old question of why girls take jerks over nice guys...the nice guy doesn't say anything. (My story way too many times). So I'm willing to bet that the reason she hasn't looked to you is because she still sees you just as a friend. And if you want that to change, you'll have to make the move.

    Assuming she's single, just tell her how you feel and ask her if she's interested in dating you. If yes, congratulations! If not? Well, when I asked out a close friend and got turned down, it was awkward for a couple of weeks. But things went back to normal after a while, and our friendship is as strong as ever. If you guys are that close, you'all stick together

    I know what it's like to be anxious about liking someone all too well. The best advice I can give is to take a chance. It may not end well, but it won't be a disaster either. Good luck!

  8. #8

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    This doesn't sound that good, i'm sorry. You seem to be really deep in the friendzone, she isn't simply considering you.

    I would tell her simply how you feel. It will work out well or not, but i guess if it doesn't work out that well, you'll still be friends in the end.
    Some other thing you could do, but there is a really high risk, that you're ruining everything that way. And i'd only advice this if you feel kinda "used". As an example if she's always telling/bothering you with her relationships, so she's kind of using you as an emotional trash bag or something else, but isn't considering you as her boyfriend.
    So... the same as above, tell her how you feel. If she's telling you something like, she's only seeing you as a very good friend, drop her. Back away for some days, don't respond to typical "friendship" stuff. If she is relying on you, i.e. has some feeling she will talk to you. Still, this could end in a disaster, so you don't have a relationship nor a friendship with her.

    And hehe... the thing about jerks, yes of course they seem to be more straightforwarded, kinda like they know what they want. This is already very appealing. But really and honestly... most times you simply don't know people that much and they're typically telling you the sweetest things they would do for you. In the end they don't of course, but until that time, it's already too late for not being hurt... kinda.

  9. #9

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    Well, first of all I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds really sucky and I can relate to a certain degree.

    I think you should just be honset with her and talk about how you feel.
    Letting her know how you feel and knowing completely how she feels in response can help the both of you decide what to do and where to do from there.

  10. #10

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    Chances are the reason she hasn't asked you out is because she doesn't feel that way about you, it's unrequited love from you and nothing more. Whether you promised or not I doubt she'll ever want to go out with you because you are her friend and she doesn't, and will probably never, see you as anything more. You can either try to remain friends while trying to get over her or you can cut off contact with her to avoid making things awkward.

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