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Thread: Having a partner with other kinks

  1. #1

    Default Having a partner with other kinks

    Hey all,

    Some back story: Last year, I had the pleasure of discovering that my SO is into bondage. I am, too, so this was great news. At the time, she already knew that I was an ABDL; she isn't one, but she's very affirming. Since then, we've been exploring our kinks together.

    Up until now, it's almost exclusively involved bondage, since that's our common denominator and I don't want to rush her. But now the question is starting to arise whether she'll ever participate in diaper play with me. I guess I was hoping that because she also has kinks, she'd know what it's like to face that possibility of never finding something to connect with and play with, that maybe she'd be more willing to participate because she could understand where I'm coming from.

    Her issue is that it's not reciprocal--this is something that would satisfy me only and not her--and she doesn't want to do anything that isn't reciprocal. Yet, I feel that even if it's not reciprocal, that doesn't mean you can't take joy in making someone else happy. Even if I didn't like bondage, I think I'd still enjoy tying her up or letting her tie me up if it made her happy. I might not like it every day, but I'd be happy to indulge her some of the time, in large part because I'd know what it's like to have a kink. Ultimately, I don't want anything of her that she can't give freely out of grace, and I don't want to do anything that would make one of us feel uncomfortable or used.

    How do you all feel about this? Does a kinky play have to be reciprocal? Would it feel less satisfying if your partner didn't reciprocate your love of diapers? Would you be disinclined to indulge a partner in their own, non-ABDL kinks if you didn't share in those kinks?

  2. #2

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    I believe a relationship is a 2 way street and both partners should share equally in what makes the other one happy. Meaning that you should not have to like the same things to make the other one happy. You should be open with your feelings and maybe make the first step, ask if she has anything she wants to do that maybe you are not used too.

    At the same time diapers and bondage usually go hand in hand, so it should not be to hard to bring up the subject.

  3. #3

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    First, i think it's great, that you support her with the things she likes. You already mentioned, you know how it feels to have a kink and you're just by yourself in conclusion...

    I have to say, it's sounds kinda funny to me, sorry *giggle*. Most people with that kind of kink... well simply put they like to be at somebodys mercy. Diapers fit perfectly into that scenario. I wonder, did nobody from you two suggest some RP like that?
    On the other hand surely it's not the same for you, since you're an AB, but atleast something.

    In the end, i would ask her nicely, if i we're in your shoes. Considered rational, life is a negotiation. We all want, we all give to get what we want.

  4. #4

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    I don't think this question has a universal answer. It's good for partners to indulge each others' kinks and to do things for the sake of each others' enjoyment. That said, people are entitled to their limits, and people shouldn't feel pressured to get involved in activities that they positively won't enjoy.

    Maybe it would be helpful to talk with your girlfriend more about why she doesn't want to get involved in ABDL activities with you. Is it just that she doesn't think they'll do much for her, or are they actually a turn-off? If it's the former, maybe there's something you can do for her while you're diapered that would make the experience enjoyable for both of you.

    I also wonder if she'd be more comfortable with ABDL activities if you agreed to keep the diapers clean and dry while you're playing together. That's the arrangement I have with my non-ABDL but kinky partner. How much have you told her about what you'd like to together? Maybe she's envisioning something more involved or more intense than what you have in mind.

    See if you can find a way to communicate your needs and desires without expressing resentment. Resentment is a dangerous emotion. Sometimes it's important to express, but a lot of people get defensive when they perceive it. As they say, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by daLira View Post
    I have to say, it's sounds kinda funny to me, sorry *giggle*. Most people with that kind of kink... well simply put they like to be at somebodys mercy. Diapers fit perfectly into that scenario. I wonder, did nobody from you two suggest some RP like that?
    On the other hand surely it's not the same for you, since you're an AB, but atleast something.
    lol, it is pretty funny. I find myself giggling whenever I think about it. We both like submission, but we actually approach it from opposite directions. She likes being forced to submit, but isn't keen to the idea of voluntary submission. I think for her it's more about losing control because someone else has taken it. For me, it's about voluntarily submitting to someone and the humiliation of allowing someone access to my own vulnerability. I don't dislike being forced, but what I appreciate more is the leap of trust in giving oneself over to someone else's care.

    That said, I did suggest the possibility of a forced diapering RP the other day, if that would be more up her alley. She didn't like that idea, and I can totally understand that--forced diapering is kind of in a niche all its own.



    Quote Originally Posted by buridan View Post
    Maybe it would be helpful to talk with your girlfriend more about why she doesn't want to get involved in ABDL activities with you. Is it just that she doesn't think they'll do much for her, or are they actually a turn-off? If it's the former, maybe there's something you can do for her while you're diapered that would make the experience enjoyable for both of you.
    I asked this exact question last night, and her response was "On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being 'love it,' 5 being 'neutral,' and 10 being 'viscerally opposed,' I'm at around a 6." I think it just doesn't really do much for her, and she doesn't find diapers very comfortable to wear. Reading between the lines, I think the whole baby thing is still a little hard for her to process, and I think the reason why she said "6" instead of "5" may be because she has an aversion with being associated with a baby or associating me with a baby. Also, I said in my response to daLira, she doesn't like the idea of voluntarily submitting. RPing as a baby herself--helpless, completely under someone's control, etc.--doesn't sit too well with her, though she may be more willing to baby me.

    One of the biggest issues is that so far we really haven't done anything besides me wearing diapers around her and showing her my collection of baby stuff. Neither of us really has a definite "Yes, I like this" or "No, I hate this" for anything. I think we're both a little afraid of what we might discover. What if I really love being babied but she really hates babying me? Or what I really love babying her but she absolutely hates it? I mean, you never know until you try, so I guess we just have to take that chance knowing that nothing is set in stone. I'm hoping then we might have a clearer sense of where we stand.



    I also wonder if she'd be more comfortable with ABDL activities if you agreed to keep the diapers clean and dry while you're playing together. That's the arrangement I have with my non-ABDL but kinky partner. How much have you told her about what you'd like to together? Maybe she's envisioning something more involved or more intense than what you have in mind.
    Most definitely to both. One thing we established early on is no dirty or wet diapers, and thankfully I'm totally fine with that compromise. And what she's envisioning absolutely might not be what I want. I actually learned this yesterday when we were talking about it, and I managed to clear up some of the confusion. But the trouble is, again, our inexperience. Frankly, I'm not entirely sure what I want because I have no frame of reference because I've never had the opportunity to try anything with anyone. Likewise, she isn't entirely sure what she'd be opposed to or be able to appreciate because this is all new to her. It's kind of a catch 22: on the one hand, I want to give her a sense of what kind of door she might be opening up beforehand; on the other hand, I don't really know what's behind the door until we open it. I think I'd really enjoy babying her, coddling her, and being babied and coddled by her. Then again, I thought I'd really enjoy cuddling with her while wearing a diaper, and that turned out to be nothing special once we actually tried it.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by ManicMunchkin View Post
    Hey all,

    Some back story: Last year, I had the pleasure of discovering that my SO is into bondage. I am, too, so this was great news. At the time, she already knew that I was an ABDL; she isn't one, but she's very affirming. Since then, we've been exploring our kinks together.

    Up until now, it's almost exclusively involved bondage, since that's our common denominator and I don't want to rush her. But now the question is starting to arise whether she'll ever participate in diaper play with me. I guess I was hoping that because she also has kinks, she'd know what it's like to face that possibility of never finding something to connect with and play with, that maybe she'd be more willing to participate because she could understand where I'm coming from.

    Her issue is that it's not reciprocal--this is something that would satisfy me only and not her--and she doesn't want to do anything that isn't reciprocal. Yet, I feel that even if it's not reciprocal, that doesn't mean you can't take joy in making someone else happy. Even if I didn't like bondage, I think I'd still enjoy tying her up or letting her tie me up if it made her happy. I might not like it every day, but I'd be happy to indulge her some of the time, in large part because I'd know what it's like to have a kink. Ultimately, I don't want anything of her that she can't give freely out of grace, and I don't want to do anything that would make one of us feel uncomfortable or used.

    How do you all feel about this? Does a kinky play have to be reciprocal? Would it feel less satisfying if your partner didn't reciprocate your love of diapers? Would you be disinclined to indulge a partner in their own, non-ABDL kinks if you didn't share in those kinks?
    I've had an interesting journey exploring my own sexuality, with various partners and friends, thus far. Perhaps what I've experienced might help you get a better idea for what might be in store for both you and your partner in the future.

    As a youngster growing up it was always very obvious to me that I was an ABDL, even though at the time I had no idea that it was classified as such. But importantly, I had no interest in any other form of porn, apart from your typical gay porn. I think that a lot of people have a predisposition towards a certain kink or desire. It's one of the many ineffably beautiful qualities that I think makes sentient humanity wonderful. One could almost argue that most people are born with a sexually diverse and interesting quality of some kind - which is a frankly awesome thought.

    But, as experience tells me, it doesn't stop there. Not by any means.

    Living in the UK, I've been fortunate enough to live in a tightly populated area. This has meant that for the past decade I've been able to travel, with relative ease and in-expense, to see practically anyone on this densely populated Island of perverts. Because of this, I've had the distinguished pleasure and honour of being exposed to a wide-ranging myriad of different kinks, by hundreds of different people. Some of which have, in a mostly historical sense now, initially shocked me to the core. Others however, I have almost immediately been drawn to. Some of these kinks have taken a long time to accept and absorb into my personality; ironically I consider these now to be some of the most enjoyable!

    Above all though, it's the exposure I've had which I value the most. Without it, I wouldn't be the open-minded and thoroughly well traveled deviant that I am. And so, I am incredibly grateful for living not only in the UK, but also in a time where sexuality can be explored to its limits.

    If I would like you, the OP, to come away with anything in particular after reading this, it would be that exposure does wonders. This is a life lesson that can be applied across the board with many differing maxims. I am not suggesting that your force your position on your partner. But what I am suggesting is that, together you both embark on an journey of fluidic sexuality that evolves at it's own pace with only the occasional nudge from either of you. Talk to her about it. And keep your minds open.

    Accepting in oneself life's many great sexual pleasures, is probably one of the most personally challenging but rewarding journey's you can undertake. And, it's even better traveled together with someone you love.
    Last edited by Luca; 21-Mar-2013 at 01:33.

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