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Thread: This forum makes me feel awful

  1. #1

    Default This forum makes me feel awful

    And by awful, I mean guilty. I posted here once upon a time, then didn't post for years and found myself nosing around in the past couple of days.

    I'm 29 and I'll admit that my life has it's 'gaps' of me doing little and wasting entire years, but now I more or less have things in order and I also get to be what I want to be. I go to college, I have long hair that I keep in a high ponytail (And on occasion, even pigtails) in classes, I have black and pink Tripp NYC pants, I have the bedroom of a 16yo girl, I date boys, I don't have to hide that I date boys, I think almost of the people at my school who I don't directly go to class with think I'm a girl. On the side, I have my side interest in diapers and playing the ABDL angle, the guy I’m dating isn’t even creeped out by it. ...Also, I can make bacon whenever I want and that might be the best perk of being an independent adult.

    Then I read around here and I feel awful and guilty because I realize I’m pretty lucky. There are ‘kids’ on here, dependent on their parents and fearing getting ‘found out’. They’ve moved on as adults but enter into relationships where they feel like their fetishes, interests, and other things have to remain a secret. People who have gone even farther, gotten married and living ‘Heteronormative Masculine Lives’ while having a closet and internet browser history full of secrets. So many people here seem terrified of being themselves to the point that they feel they only can be themselves in secret. Raised to believe that they have to be ‘normal’ or else society will hate them and they stay along that path until they it becomes something they’re trapped in. That’s what I see when I see a large amount of the posts on this forum and it just makes me feel terribly guilty because I get to indulge, be the person I want to be, and try to put together the professional career I want to have at the same time.

    I feel so sorry for so many people I see on this forum. I wish that they had been raised or at least later been inspired to realize that life has bigger taboos concerns than the ‘evils of divergent sexuality’ or any of that. That above all, you should be who you want to be so long as it’s not something that harms other people. That being ‘a good person’ doesn’t mean ‘Seeming ‘normal’ in the eyes of everyone else’.

    I’m sorry.

  2. #2

    Default

    Where's the "like"-button?
    Seriously though, I second that 100%.
    But I think this is the purpose of this forum, or one of the purposes, that people who do not find the kind of acceptance or having to hide can come here and talk to others in the same situation.
    As for me I am not secretive about it but I never was in a relationship with anyone who I would have had to tell about the whole ABDL thing. Which may be the reason I have been single since 2007.
    And you have to also see it the other way.. I mean many people on here also do have partners who are accepting or even participating which is a huge gift and I wish I was in a relationship like that. Though as for me I am not looking for someone to accept my little side and take care of me - it's the contrary, I want to take care of someone, so I'm in the situation that, if I found someone unfamiliar with our scene, I'd have to tell him at some point "I love you but could you start behaving like you were 5-6 years old and start sucking your thumb and wear diapers?" - To me that sounds even odder than asking someone to take care of me and let me act like a baby.
    But to get back to the point, yeah you're right, many of us here have probably had it rough and just have to be secretive about themselves. In that respect I have the best parents and friends in the world because I could talk to them about simply anything and I know they would still be there and not ban me from their lives. There are a couple of people I can rely on in whatever situation I may be in and I know they would never turn away from me. So best I can do is wish everyone on this board that they have such people in their lives because my opinion is if a friend turns away from you after you tell him about this side of you - they aren't true friends and never have been.

  3. #3
    Countdown

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by AshleyAshes View Post
    I feel so sorry for so many people I see on this forum. I wish that they had been raised or at least later been inspired to realize that life has bigger taboos concerns than the ‘evils of divergent sexuality’ or any of that. That above all, you should be who you want to be so long as it’s not something that harms other people. That being ‘a good person’ doesn’t mean ‘Seeming ‘normal’ in the eyes of everyone else’.
    I think it's possible that some people may view me as this sort of person... in defense of my beliefs (i.e., that it is generally better to hide this paraphilia than to show it), i believe cases like yours are an anomaly... and, from what i've noticed, when most people are open about this side of them, it tends to lead to adverse consequences...

    but i don't think you should feel guilty that you have a happy life & that others don't... but that's life, you can measure a lot of things, and that includes happiness... not everyone is equal, and i think that's okay & nothing to feel bad about...


  4. #4

    Default

    I understand what you're saying, and sympathize. The way I see it, if you (A) acknowledge your good fortune without taking it for granted, and (B) help and counsel those who don't have your good fortune, then you're doing the best you can. It would be a shame to have your enviable position tainted or made miserable by aspects beyond your control.

  5. #5

    Default

    I've always been curious as to how one finds the courage to be themselves, when being yourself can cause others to deride you? Mind you, I'm 65, and I lived through extreme prejudice and at times violence toward those who were different. I also live in Virginia, a redneck red state, where things are still not safe. Mel White and his partner moved from Lynchburg, back to California. His parting statement to our newspaper was that he no longer felt safe being gay and living in Lychburg, Va.

    I admire your courage and applaud what I see as courage to be yourself, even when it is not the cookie cutter form that society wants to cut us all from. (Insert Fanfare for the Common Man)

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by AshleyAshes View Post
    And by awful, I mean guilty. I posted here once upon a time, then didn't post for years and found myself nosing around in the past couple of days.

    I'm 29 and I'll admit that my life has it's 'gaps' of me doing little and wasting entire years, but now I more or less have things in order and I also get to be what I want to be. I go to college, I have long hair that I keep in a high ponytail (And on occasion, even pigtails) in classes, I have black and pink Tripp NYC pants, I have the bedroom of a 16yo girl, I date boys, I don't have to hide that I date boys, I think almost of the people at my school who I don't directly go to class with think I'm a girl. On the side, I have my side interest in diapers and playing the ABDL angle, the guy I’m dating isn’t even creeped out by it. ...Also, I can make bacon whenever I want and that might be the best perk of being an independent adult.

    Then I read around here and I feel awful and guilty because I realize I’m pretty lucky. There are ‘kids’ on here, dependent on their parents and fearing getting ‘found out’. They’ve moved on as adults but enter into relationships where they feel like their fetishes, interests, and other things have to remain a secret. People who have gone even farther, gotten married and living ‘Heteronormative Masculine Lives’ while having a closet and internet browser history full of secrets. So many people here seem terrified of being themselves to the point that they feel they only can be themselves in secret. Raised to believe that they have to be ‘normal’ or else society will hate them and they stay along that path until they it becomes something they’re trapped in. That’s what I see when I see a large amount of the posts on this forum and it just makes me feel terribly guilty because I get to indulge, be the person I want to be, and try to put together the professional career I want to have at the same time.

    I feel so sorry for so many people I see on this forum. I wish that they had been raised or at least later been inspired to realize that life has bigger taboos concerns than the ‘evils of divergent sexuality’ or any of that. That above all, you should be who you want to be so long as it’s not something that harms other people. That being ‘a good person’ doesn’t mean ‘Seeming ‘normal’ in the eyes of everyone else’.

    I’m sorry.
    I know what you mean. I mean, hell, I'm ten years younger.. But I mean, I'm an adult now. I don't care half as much as I once did about "being found out" or "the norm" because I have my circle of friends and a wonderful girlfriend who not only accepts my AB/DL/Babyfur side but freaking loves it and thinks it's adorable. I do live with a mother who doesn't know, but I don't really go through efforts to hide it, just because I've talked to her about the whole "My room, my stuff. Don't go through it. If you do, and find something of mine that comes as a shock to you, then that's your problem because you chose to go through my stuff." idea and she totally gets it and she gives me boatloads of privacy and truly respects the fact that I'm of adult age now, despite the fact that I live under her roof. I keep my diapers opened and out in my closet, but she never goes in my closet. All my toys... and all my, erm, *other toys* (well shit, we ARE in 'Mature Topics') are in not-so-hidden but relatively discreet places. I don't ever worry about my mom ever finding anything. I don't worry about what people think. I wear all the time in school and never worry about being found out. I've been found out before and I was like, hey, whatever man.
    Back when I initially joined this forum back when I was.. oh, what.. 14? 13? I was super paranoid. Super discreet about everything. Plagued with extreme feelings of guilt about this "way out there, sexually depraved" fetish of mine. And as time just went on and I met people and I found out a lot of things about people that I would have never guessed, I realized that everyone has their dirty little secrets. And half the stuff I heard throughout those past 5 years, the stuff people are into I mean, are way more "out there" than the idea of me taping on a diaper and acting like a puppy. And frankly, I realized over time that this stuff I was into was much less severe than I once believed it to be. I actually really enjoy it now.. guilt free. And I see so many here that are still in that state I was in just a few years ago.. and I'm like.. damn, I'm lucky.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Countdown View Post
    I think it's possible that some people may view me as this sort of person... in defense of my beliefs (i.e., that it is generally better to hide this paraphilia than to show it), i believe cases like yours are an anomaly... and, from what i've noticed, when most people are open about this side of them, it tends to lead to adverse consequences...
    I speak more of just the ABDL thing of course. My ABDL side isn't listed amongst my services on my buisiness cards for example. Though that's not 'hiding' it's just 'irrelevent to the buisness of film making'. The rest though, my femininity, my sexuality, things like that arn't hidden. It's odd in that most people seem to mistake me for a girl, so the whole 'No, Ashley's a boy... We're pretty sure.' gets an oddly undramatic response. I'm in college and no one's once called me a 'Faggot' ever. Though I also think part of that is that I get respect by being, well, awesome. And by that I mean, my college's film and television program doesn't even teach special effects but at the very start of second year I was experimenting with bullet time. Bullet Time Experiment - YouTube I ran out and shot a commercial for my college's fire fighting program, it's cinematic and awesome, ( Bullet Time Experiment - YouTube ) and it's not only landed me some possible freelance contracts this summer but now has the school's own marketing department paying me to shoot promotional videos for them and inter I've had to hire other students to assist. While I have classmates worrying about jobs when they graduate, I'm already sub-contracting people. There's a certian ammount of respect that I've earned so even if there are people I know who dislike me for reasons of sexuality or femininity, they're keeping their mouths shut for one reason or another. (And by howdie, if they didn't, I'd remember if their resumes ever crossed my desk in the future)

    Though I submit there's an advantage to me being up here in Canada where overall things are more liberal. I mean hey, if someone ever did call me a 'faggot', guess who'd have the school or employeer bringing down the hammer?

    So I really don't see any major risks 'adverse consequences'. From what I've encountered, people are more concerned about the quality and professionalism of your work rather than your personal life style.



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I've always been curious as to how one finds the courage to be themselves, when being yourself can cause others to deride you? Mind you, I'm 65, and I lived through extreme prejudice and at times violence toward those who were different. I also live in Virginia, a redneck red state, where things are still not safe. Mel White and his partner moved from Lynchburg, back to California. His parting statement to our newspaper was that he no longer felt safe being gay and living in Lychburg, Va.

    I admire your courage and applaud what I see as courage to be yourself, even when it is not the cookie cutter form that society wants to cut us all from. (Insert Fanfare for the Common Man)
    See, I don't feel couragious. I've had such little backlash I'm like 'Huh, I guess things can just work out this way without much effort'. ...Which I know some people will wholefully disagree with and I'm sorry that they have those restrictions in their lives. But I think I take advantage of the era I'm in and the political nature of where I live to be who I want to be. I mean, hell, it's not just more conservative views that people who are older growing up with, but the lack of information and communication. 20-30 years ago, if you had feminine feelings or same sex feelings or interests in some kink, you couldn't just 'Google' it and find out that there are all sorts of people who are the same and deal or make it part of their lives. You'd have no more information than what you could see in the world around you. Even me, when I was 16 I thought 'Transsexual' was the only option. There was no idea that 'Femboy' was actually 'a thing' and that took years for me to slowly sort out and see is a comfy way to exist. Not that I'm attacking transsexuality, I'm just saying that even then the more 'publicly acknowledged' path of transgenderism was all I knew about it.

  8. #8

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by AshleyAshes View Post
    And by awful, I mean guilty. I posted here once upon a time, then didn't post for years and found myself nosing around in the past couple of days.

    I'm 29 and I'll admit that my life has it's 'gaps' of me doing little and wasting entire years, but now I more or less have things in order and I also get to be what I want to be. I go to college, I have long hair that I keep in a high ponytail (And on occasion, even pigtails) in classes, I have black and pink Tripp NYC pants, I have the bedroom of a 16yo girl, I date boys, I don't have to hide that I date boys, I think almost of the people at my school who I don't directly go to class with think I'm a girl. On the side, I have my side interest in diapers and playing the ABDL angle, the guy I’m dating isn’t even creeped out by it. ...Also, I can make bacon whenever I want and that might be the best perk of being an independent adult.

    Then I read around here and I feel awful and guilty because I realize I’m pretty lucky. There are ‘kids’ on here, dependent on their parents and fearing getting ‘found out’. They’ve moved on as adults but enter into relationships where they feel like their fetishes, interests, and other things have to remain a secret. People who have gone even farther, gotten married and living ‘Heteronormative Masculine Lives’ while having a closet and internet browser history full of secrets. So many people here seem terrified of being themselves to the point that they feel they only can be themselves in secret. Raised to believe that they have to be ‘normal’ or else society will hate them and they stay along that path until they it becomes something they’re trapped in. That’s what I see when I see a large amount of the posts on this forum and it just makes me feel terribly guilty because I get to indulge, be the person I want to be, and try to put together the professional career I want to have at the same time.

    I feel so sorry for so many people I see on this forum. I wish that they had been raised or at least later been inspired to realize that life has bigger taboos concerns than the ‘evils of divergent sexuality’ or any of that. That above all, you should be who you want to be so long as it’s not something that harms other people. That being ‘a good person’ doesn’t mean ‘Seeming ‘normal’ in the eyes of everyone else’.

    I’m sorry.
    Please don't feel that way you give hope that some day we can have happy ness too.
    It would be a sad thing if every one never did find what they were looking for.
    Post how you came to find it . It may work for some may not but we need you as much as any one.
    Thats why moo made this site. :-)

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by AshleyAshes View Post
    And by awful, I mean guilty. I posted here once upon a time, then didn't post for years and found myself nosing around in the past couple of days.

    I'm 29 and I'll admit that my life has it's 'gaps' of me doing little and wasting entire years, but now I more or less have things in order and I also get to be what I want to be. I go to college, I have long hair that I keep in a high ponytail (And on occasion, even pigtails) in classes, I have black and pink Tripp NYC pants, I have the bedroom of a 16yo girl, I date boys, I don't have to hide that I date boys, I think almost of the people at my school who I don't directly go to class with think I'm a girl. On the side, I have my side interest in diapers and playing the ABDL angle, the guy I’m dating isn’t even creeped out by it. ...Also, I can make bacon whenever I want and that might be the best perk of being an independent adult.

    Then I read around here and I feel awful and guilty because I realize I’m pretty lucky. There are ‘kids’ on here, dependent on their parents and fearing getting ‘found out’. They’ve moved on as adults but enter into relationships where they feel like their fetishes, interests, and other things have to remain a secret. People who have gone even farther, gotten married and living ‘Heteronormative Masculine Lives’ while having a closet and internet browser history full of secrets. So many people here seem terrified of being themselves to the point that they feel they only can be themselves in secret. Raised to believe that they have to be ‘normal’ or else society will hate them and they stay along that path until they it becomes something they’re trapped in. That’s what I see when I see a large amount of the posts on this forum and it just makes me feel terribly guilty because I get to indulge, be the person I want to be, and try to put together the professional career I want to have at the same time.

    I feel so sorry for so many people I see on this forum. I wish that they had been raised or at least later been inspired to realize that life has bigger taboos concerns than the ‘evils of divergent sexuality’ or any of that. That above all, you should be who you want to be so long as it’s not something that harms other people. That being ‘a good person’ doesn’t mean ‘Seeming ‘normal’ in the eyes of everyone else’.

    I’m sorry.
    Please don't feel that way you give hope that some day we can have happy ness too.
    It would be a sad thing if every one never did find what they were looking for.
    Post how you came to find it . It may work for some may not but we need you as much as any one.
    Thats why moo made this site. :-)

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by AshleyAshes View Post
    And by awful, I mean guilty. I posted here once upon a time, then didn't post for years and found myself nosing around in the past couple of days.

    I'm 29 and I'll admit that my life has it's 'gaps' of me doing little and wasting entire years, but now I more or less have things in order and I also get to be what I want to be. I go to college, I have long hair that I keep in a high ponytail (And on occasion, even pigtails) in classes, I have black and pink Tripp NYC pants, I have the bedroom of a 16yo girl, I date boys, I don't have to hide that I date boys, I think almost of the people at my school who I don't directly go to class with think I'm a girl. On the side, I have my side interest in diapers and playing the ABDL angle, the guy I’m dating isn’t even creeped out by it. ...Also, I can make bacon whenever I want and that might be the best perk of being an independent adult.

    Then I read around here and I feel awful and guilty because I realize I’m pretty lucky. There are ‘kids’ on here, dependent on their parents and fearing getting ‘found out’. They’ve moved on as adults but enter into relationships where they feel like their fetishes, interests, and other things have to remain a secret. People who have gone even farther, gotten married and living ‘Heteronormative Masculine Lives’ while having a closet and internet browser history full of secrets. So many people here seem terrified of being themselves to the point that they feel they only can be themselves in secret. Raised to believe that they have to be ‘normal’ or else society will hate them and they stay along that path until they it becomes something they’re trapped in. That’s what I see when I see a large amount of the posts on this forum and it just makes me feel terribly guilty because I get to indulge, be the person I want to be, and try to put together the professional career I want to have at the same time.

    I feel so sorry for so many people I see on this forum. I wish that they had been raised or at least later been inspired to realize that life has bigger taboos concerns than the ‘evils of divergent sexuality’ or any of that. That above all, you should be who you want to be so long as it’s not something that harms other people. That being ‘a good person’ doesn’t mean ‘Seeming ‘normal’ in the eyes of everyone else’.

    I’m sorry.
    I definitely do not feel like you should apologize over decisions members may or may not have made over, being forthcoming over their fetishes or 'different' lifestyles.

    I have an example that breaks my heart but i have to tell you to offer insight into my perspective.

    I have seen my fair share of 'different' from all walks of life in my relatively short life, especially as a Karaoke DJ that has been to many bars and venues.

    When i had a major depression i went to a clinic for treatment and somebody came in and sat next to me....

    A large(Not fat) and really hairy 6 FT 4 guy, wearing a dress and pink high heels with full make up.

    A transsexual that was so manly and obviously big that he could never be mistaken for a woman.

    She walked in and you would not believe the looks of shock and disgust with sly laughter over being who she is.

    I felt so sorry for her.

    My wife said whats his deal?

    And i realized that i was lucky because my problems or acceptance issues were hidden on the inside whilst his was out to be judged for all the world to see.

    At that moment i had an epiphany over what kind of price one must pay to be who you truly are in a society of people that are for the most part, intolerant of anything outside of the norm.

    I love diapers, im a DL, i told my wife and a Psychiatrist to get an honest opinion.

    Both are supportive, its not a secret lifestyle, its a sexual fetish, so nobody ever has to know.

    For those that truly live a secret lifestyle, in a mostly close minded world, life can totally kick your ass for daring to be yourself, and the price is extremely high even to your family and friends, by virtue of association.

    I alway consider that, when i think of what a blessing or curse this could be.

    Its unfair and downright brutal, so perhaps the thought of having a secret lifestyle or secret fetish should be rephrased as being too honest.

    Your spouse/serious girlfriend/boyfriend will at some point have to know, or else i could imagine that would eat at ones consciousness...

    For the rest, is being super honest with your likes/kinks/quirks really gonna make you super happy?

    Wouldn't we then ask ourselves another question?

    Why cant i be normal?

    The evolution to that question would be everybody is different and normal is a subjective term.

    Its like a vicious cycle that merely repeats over and over and neither answer really achieves anything.

    Or does it?

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