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Thread: Need a bit of advice from the younger ones, or people who have children, or people who have dealt with children?

  1. #1

    Default Need a bit of advice from the younger ones, or people who have children, or people who have dealt with children?

    OK, this is quite difficult to talk about because I feel awful, but I need some help...

    Simon my FiancÚ, (and 24/7 carer and "StepDad" to my children) was joking around with Euan telling him he came out of my bottom when Euan was asking for things to write about in his autobiography homework, yes very naughty, but only he saw the funny side of it...

    We got around to telling Euan that he actually came out of my tummy by Emergency Caesarean, I then mentioned that he was completely fine and would have survived a lot longer, but I died on the table, he wanted the "gory details", so I told him them. Simon then joked, "yeah Euan, you called Mummy!" He really was joking in his stupid sense of humour and insistence of teasing Euan..

    Anyway, because Euan is an exceptionally sensitive little man, he is now severely disturbed by the fact that he "killed me"!

    __________________________________

    Strictly speaking - HE didn't, it was the tennis ball sized blood clot that travelled to my uterus whilst growing to that size, and then sat between my uterus and Euan's placenta, causing me to pump 3+3/4 pints of blood out into my uterus, and subsequently out of my body, in the total space of an hour... I was rushed to hospital by ambulance and straight into theatre where they performed the EC. On pulling Euan out, he pee'd on the midwife (this is why I told him the story, for a "funny bit" in his autobiography) they said he could have survived for a while longer inside me, but I died on the operating table and obviously had to be resuscitated...

    I was in plaster with a severely fractured ankle, I was even on the anti-coagulant injections beginning with C (I cannot for the life of me remember the name, but nearer to the latter end of pregnancy I was changed onto heparin because apparently there is no drug available to reverse the effects of the drug beginning with C) BUT, I still got a whopper of a clot! They believe it started in my leg and moved to my uterus, I'm only lucky that it didn't travel to my heart, lungs or brain, or any of Euan's organs as a matter of fact!

    Three no no's that I was dealing with, when I should be trying to avoid clots:-

    1. I was practically chair bound from a broken bone, for the first few days after the pinning op, they didn't even put me in plaster, (To speed up the wound healing process) so I was having to use a wheelchair downstairs, (heavily pregnant plus not being able to use one leg, they decided a wheelchair was the safest answer) and was given a commode too, which meant I was hardly moving around;

    2. I smoked in the region of 15-20 a day; (don't lecture me I was stupid and VERY selfish back then, I also smoked during my Daughter's pregnancy and breastfeeding and she was fine, so I decided I would also smoke during my second pregnancy. Yeah, it know that's irresponsible logic/chancing but back then I didn't care what happened, I was so stupidly addicted to nicotine and smoking and so ignorant and selfish (something that my Ex "instilled" (?) into me, I never had a selfish bone in my body until I met him (not my own saying or my self egotistic view, it was my Grandparents who said it, they also told me he had completely ruined me, thankfully I'm now back to my totally caring "unselfish" self, according to my dearest Gramps ;-) )

    3. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant - pregnancy in itself can cause clotting risks..

    __________________________________

    Anyway, how on Earth do I repair the damage that my dearest Si has done to Euan's conscience, and make him realise it really WASN'T his fault? Guys? 8-/

    Thanks in advance for any input... :-)

    Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk 2

  2. #2

    Default

    It should go without saying but a lot of people do not understand this so I am going to start with this first. Children are very concrete thinkers by nature although this gradually goes away in the late teens and early 20's. So where you and I would have understood the fact that there was a point at which you might have been technically dead, near dead, etc. he will not fully comprehend this.

    Depending on Euan's age he might also not truly understand death, although it would seem that he may. If he doesn't thus is just one more thing that will need to be dealt with now.

    If Euan were my son I would sit down with him in a quiet place and openly discuss feelings. He is likely to be very conflicted because he will have a natural love for you. It would be at this point that I would discuss, in age appropriate language and concepts, the basic biology of what happened and I would make sure he understood that complications are very common in pregnancy. I would then let him know that he did not cause the problem himself and that these things just happen sometimes.

    As a parent one of the most important things we can do for a kid is to reassure him of our love for them, and of his immense worth to you as your son.

    Throughout all of this it is important that you openly discuss how he is feeling including anything that might cause fear for him. If he is open he should be able to give you the clues you need in answering his questions, and more importantly, in soothing his sweet soul.

    This might also be a good opportunity to let Simon know how concretely children think and that they can be very impressionable and easily harmed by some subject matter. Do this in a loving way so that it doesn't harm your relationship.

    As tough as this situation may seem it is but one of the challenges you will face as a mother. Your children will survive and with your kind guidance and support they will overcome the hurtles that will, at times, seem to be insurmountable.

  3. #3

    Default

    I think you've managed to explain what happened here in really good terms. I'd try and say pretty much what you said to us, but perhaps not mention about your bad habits at the time, and instead mention that sometimes people get these blood clots, and that you're both just very lucky to be alive. I don't know where you're from, but there are a lot of good leaflets available on the NHS for kids, which explain adult illnesses in a series called 'my mummy went to hospital for a...'. If you could find something like that then that might help. It explains various illnesses in a way that children can understand, with pictures of smiley doctors and suchlike

  4. #4

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    Vimes

    Alright - I think the major aspect here is that you are actually alive and ticking - so Euan did in fact NOT KILL YOU... I think it is necessary to sit him down and explain the difference between being "almost" dead at a hospital without any chance of being revived and actually being revived.
    You were at no point REALLY COMPLETELY DEAD.
    I think it's emotionally for Euan important, that you explain to him that he really didn't "kill you" anyhow.
    (I'm not talking about semantics in as much as "what is dead" - but you are alive and that's fact - you survived.)

    Also explain to him, that you it by NO means was his "fault" - after all he was not, at any given time, in "control" of the situation... so being absolutely unable to "do" anything about your situation, Euan has of course no kind of responsibility in that regards either.

    I believe it's important to give him a simple logic reasoning for what has happened and that he, by no part, was responsible.

    Also reinforce the positive aspects like that he survived it, you survived it, etc...

  5. #5

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    I would just explain it as "a matter of fact" as possible & play it down. Point out the fact that he did not kill you. The fact that you are telling him the story is proof in its self. Depending on his age.....well even for older people dealing with death & the though of losing a loved one is extremely troubling. Just reassure him that it was just a fluke & to put it out of his head that he had anything to do with it & to not worry anymore about it.

    My 2 kids almost lost me this year to a botched surgery except they had to put 33 pints of blood into me before they figured out where I was bleeding from. I even flat lined when they were putting me into the CT scan. My kids knew it was not any fault of theirs but the were traumatized none the less by it. Mine are 15 & 17 years old.

  6. #6

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    He is 10, sorry, I should have told you that.

    Thank you guys, that has really helped, it was common sense really, but my view/judgement was clouded by the emotions I feel towards him for failing so upset, we are VERY close and very open with each other so it will be an easy feat to master, it just didn't seem that way before I saw the solutions in black and white, thanks very much for your input, it really has helped "remove my blinkers" incidentally I am in the UK, so I will scour the NHS website and see if there are any downloads that I can use..

    I should have mentioned that he is already convinced that I am dying, because I am so severely poorly, thankfully though, although I'm disabled and mainly chair/bed bound, I am not terminal. (Is that the phrase? I suffer with aphasia so I can't remember)

    Thank you again, I am truly grateful for your input. :-)



    Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk 2
    Last edited by Trevor; 13-Nov-2012 at 22:12. Reason: merging posts.

  7. #7

    Default

    Frankly this one all depends on the child; My sister was nearly a month overdue when my mum received her Caesarian and it wasn't the operation that nearly killed my mum it was the morphine she was allergic to during after care, but my sister was told about all this age 13/14 and she hasn't stopped blaming herself and now she's 19.

    This isn't to say you did the wrong thing or shouldn't have told him but kids do take these stories as personal because it's about what you were willing to go through so they could be alive.

    I on the other hand have accidentally done as much damage to her as my sister did but I'm able to remember it, because I can I think it's helped me see a lot better that it wasn't all my fault and the fact she's still here is something I'm deeply grateful for, things may be different if she had died but I got lucky ^_^

    My suggestion (since you know your child best) is that you talk with him and explain to him very clearly it wasn't his fault, don't blame it on chance or your smoking etc.. take responsibility as though you'd jumped on a knife to save him and that you'd happily go through it all again just to make sure he is fine.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainVimes View Post
    Thank you guys, that has really helped, it was common sense really, but my view/judgement was clouded by the emotions I feel towards him for failing so upset, we are VERY close and very open with each other so it will be an easy feat to master, it just didn't seem that way before I saw the solutions in black and white, thanks very much for your input, it really has helped "remove my blinkers" incidentally I am in the UK, so I will scour the NHS website and see if there are any downloads that I can use..

    I should have mentioned that he is already convinced that I am dying, because I am so severely poorly, thankfully though, although I'm disabled and mainly chair/bed bound, I am not terminal. (Is that the phrase? I suffer with aphasia so I can't remember)

    Thank you again, I am truly grateful for your input. :-)
    Judgment often gets a little clouded when dealing with such emotional subjects. Know that you are not alone.

    Regarding him being convinced that you are dying, he is correct. Again, a child of 10 will look at this in a very concrete manner and will not get that all people, once they are born, literally start down the path of eventual death. At this point in his life he will struggle with such thoughts because he truly is too young to really understand that some day you will be gone. This is a matter that is better learned, for him, over time as he awakens and comes to realize that this is part of the nature of man.

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