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Thread: Just looking for opinions about my perspective.

  1. #1

    Default Just looking for opinions about my perspective.

    Harro!

    So I guess i'm looking for some opinions of other people. I know everybody chooses to live their own way and all that jazz but this is something that I have never really talked about with anyone before.

    I have a tendency to shy away from dating and or persueing relationships at the moment because I have wanted to wait until I was financially secure in an extry level career position. Because of this I found that I never seeked relationships in college or now in the period of post college while seeking career opportunities.

    On one hand I find that I get grief from my dad who says I should go out more and blablabla have some fun, this, that, and go have some fun but I guess on the same hand I don't persue it because I guess it doesn't feel comfortable. I personally find it very intimidating to explore the concept of being in a relationship because I am very self concious and feel as though if I look for a relationship I should be able to be some type of provider before I do so.

    Idk entering a relationship while being "broke ass" would be very intimidating for me. Do others feel this way too about avoiding social connections due to not feeling financially ready? I know as a whole I can be very timid around people as well but yea I dunno... I have a tendency to experience a lot of anxiety when it comes to personal appearance.

  2. #2

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    Do you want to date someone or be in a relationship? I'm sorry for asking such a basic question, but you don't actually say that you do in your post.

    If you want to be single, and that doesn't bother you, then great! You have at least one thing you want (for now). You can change your mind later too.

    If you want to be in a relationship, then it's a little more complicated. You mention two concerns - financial worries, and concern about your personal appearance. I wouldn't worry about money. It's possible to go on dates and do activities that are inexpensive. You probably couldn't go clubbing/go to bars every night on a tight budget, but it's still possible to spend time together (and besides, going out to drink is overrated). As for personal appearance - well, this is the internet, so I don't know reassuring I can be :-). But as long as you shower regularly and brush your teeth there are far more important things in a relationship than appearance. What precisely are you anxious about?

  3. #3

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    Well yea sure I secretly do want to be in a relationship. My family is super tiny (there is only 2 of us in my immediate family) so I guess in a lot of ways I don't really like being alone. That being said it isn't nessesarily a question of "need to go clubbing" but just in general I guess? Hahaha oh gosh yeah my hygiene is just fine that is not something I worry about. It's really hard to explain though but I suppose I have a lot of just generic deep rooted axiety from a bad childhood lol, I think in a lot of ways I just lack self confidence in general.

    For me I find I have a tendancy to worry about the future. Short term pleasure, partying, and that sort of thing don't hold a lot of value for me. I have always seeked a long term relationship of somebody that I could share feelings and experiences with etc. I don't really care about the mainstream stareotypes of nightlife. I would take a day of talking and hanging out over some loud club and alcohol any day. When I was little I grew up in a poor family that really didn't get along and I felt like it was my responsibility to make sure that when I began persueing relationships that I didn't want any burdens like that on a person that I cared about.

    I think for me its just having a over desire of wanting to make a family that isn't dysfunctional? :P It's sort of a hole in my heart that's missing.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Troubles View Post
    ... but I suppose I have a lot of just generic deep rooted axiety from a bad childhood lol, I think in a lot of ways I just lack self confidence in general.
    Are you anxious about approaching someone and asking them out? And if so is it fear of rejection, fear that the person won't appreciate your advances, or something else?




    Quote Originally Posted by Troubles View Post
    When I was little I grew up in a poor family that really didn't get along and I felt like it was my responsibility to make sure that when I began persueing relationships that I didn't want any burdens like that on a person that I cared about.
    Financial burdens or emotional ones?



    Quote Originally Posted by Troubles View Post
    I think for me its just having a over desire of wanting to make a family that isn't dysfunctional? :P It's sort of a hole in my heart that's missing.
    The fact that you're worried about having a dysfunctional family/relationship is a good sign, and probably means you're less likely to end up in a dysfunctional relationship. I think that would be more likely if you weren't worried about it.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleAcorn View Post
    Are you anxious about approaching someone and asking them out? And if so is it fear of rejection, fear that the person won't appreciate your advances, or something else?




    Financial burdens or emotional ones?



    The fact that you're worried about having a dysfunctional family/relationship is a good sign, and probably means you're less likely to end up in a dysfunctional relationship. I think that would be more likely if you weren't worried about it.



    1. No funny enough I live by the model of "better to ask then not" however I just have widespread anxiety in general... like just doing random stuff on my own like errands spike my axiety pretty hard. It is difficult to think about reasons because I suppose I haven't had enough time to think about it. I would have to like go and ask out a girl then reflect on what I felt during that process LOL. Part of me says this isn't really the factor that matters but then I don't really have a .. well let me see. When I review my last 4 ex's. (Funny enough even though im bi their all girls.) I suppose it's not that im worried about being rejected but that I constantly passed up for other guys. I keep getting dumped for "bad boys" lol. my last ex left me for her old ex... only to fall back into a failed relationship that died. The one before that was pretty crazy and ended up chasing her mental delusions all the way to a mental hospital over me... that was sketchy. The one before that passed me up for an older guy and the one before that passed me up for a dueche bag who ended up making her preggers and then abandoning her(while they were both still in highschool~ damn son).

    2. Both and then some, my family was a cluster.

    3. Well I hope so anyways ^^;.

  6. #6

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    I wonder if this is really just a matter of having a deep drive to achieve stability before you dive into a relationship. When I look at the reckless abandon so many young people have when they get together I often wonder why they don't wait until life is a bit more stable.

    Finances aside it is wise to get to know others so that you have the ability to understand what you might be interested in and what you may like. Taking it slow if perfectly fine, less risk and in my opinion a higher quality relationship.

    What worked for me, and I really struggled in this area, was to just go out and meet other people in a non-threatening manner. I did not set out to date and I would suggest this was a good thing.

    The most important relationship advice I can give anyone is to also get to know the parents well, very well. Look at there relationship and is they treat each other. This is often a huge indicator that there could be trouble ahead. Parents that have a great relationship, and who also share a great relationship with there kids, are great examples to children who make great potential dates. Then follow your gut in interpreting the parental relationship and your relationship with your friend.

    Having a good relationship that endures the test of time is a truly wonderful thing and is worth the trouble of being careful and taking your time. So don't be too hard on yourself and go out and get to know someone. At the very least you will end up with more friends, not a bad thing at all.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Troubles View Post
    1. No funny enough I live by the model of "better to ask then not" however I just have widespread anxiety in general... like just doing random stuff on my own like errands spike my axiety pretty hard. It is difficult to think about reasons because I suppose I haven't had enough time to think about it. I would have to like go and ask out a girl then reflect on what I felt during that process LOL. Part of me says this isn't really the factor that matters but then I don't really have a .. well let me see. When I review my last 4 ex's. (Funny enough even though im bi their all girls.) I suppose it's not that im worried about being rejected but that I constantly passed up for other guys. I keep getting dumped for "bad boys" lol. my last ex left me for her old ex... only to fall back into a failed relationship that died. The one before that was pretty crazy and ended up chasing her mental delusions all the way to a mental hospital over me... that was sketchy. The one before that passed me up for an older guy and the one before that passed me up for a dueche bag who ended up making her preggers and then abandoning her(while they were both still in highschool~ damn son).

    2. Both and then some, my family was a cluster.

    3. Well I hope so anyways ^^;.

    That sounds like some bad luck. Most girls are crazy though (and boys too, although I'm straight so I don't have any experience with that ).

    Have you considered seeing someone like a therapist about your anxiety? I've suffered from depression, and it was really hard to go see someone the first time, but I'm very glad I did. I also take an SSRI, which helps me, although that's not for everyone. I hear that CBT is also helpful, although I don't have any direct experience with it. Really, just having someone to talk to who would listen was helpful. Friends listen too, but I worried about burdening them with my problems. I didn't worry about that with a therapist since I was paying them to listen.

  8. #8

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    I cant say I have ever been to a therapist or anything of the sort. I suppose there is a level of distrust in the concept of paying somebody to listen. I feel like it follows the concept of hiring a "yes man" and thus doesn't do anything for me. idk :x

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Troubles View Post
    I cant say I have ever been to a therapist or anything of the sort. I suppose there is a level of distrust in the concept of paying somebody to listen. I feel like it follows the concept of hiring a "yes man" and thus doesn't do anything for me. idk :x
    That is not what therapy is like at all. I realize I did say that I benefited from having someone to listen to me, but I think that was helpful to me specifically because of how I felt when I was depressed. It's not like a "yes man" - it's more dialog and conversation.

    CBT is generally very structured, and is all about recognizing triggers to anxiety/depression and stopping them before they get worse. For example, if you get anxious in grocery stores (I'm making up an example), you might work on relaxation exercises like deep breathing during an appointment, and then during the week you'd go to a grocery store and do the relaxation exercises with the goal of feeling less anxious than the previous time you were there. That's a really short summary, but the wikipedia article has lots more details.

    There are lots of other styles of non-CBT therapy, but they generally come down to listening to you in a non-judgmental way, helping you figure out why you feel a certain way, and giving you tools to deal with difficult situations. It is *not* just someone sitting there agreeing with you - there's lots more back and forth than that.

  10. #10

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    I don't know I just wouldn't feel comfortable looking into something like that.

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