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Thread: Co-dependency & Diapers

  1. #1

    Default Co-dependency & Diapers

    I've been told I may have been co-dependent on my ex girlfriend. So if thats true since my GF was more like a mother to me emotionally, not in AB terms, I probably wasn't ready to have her be my mother in AB terms even very infrequently. Now I'm not even sure if I was co-dependent on her but I'm doing some thinking about it. Tell me if you think I was.

    Has anyone ever been co-dependent on a loved one GF, spouse, etc and been an AB at the same time? IMO I don't think they go well together. I needed her so bad to help me through this rough time in my life that I couldn't be there for her as much as I should have. ETA: So it wouldn't have been fair for my GF to be there for me as an emotional mother figure and my AB mother if I couldn't give much to her.

    In a relationship there has to be give and take. Without realizing it my GF was there for me more emotionally as a mother figure or counselor figure than a GF. I have set myself back quite a bit over the past few years in my addiction to marijuana and alcohol because I am so scared of growing up, being a man, and living on my own plus I have some self esteem issues stemming from bullying in school.

    Anyone have some wisdom to share and/ or a personal story? I hope this makes sense.

  2. #2

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    If you can't find happiness being alone, then you probably wont find happiness in a relationship. It just doesn't work if you're relying on that person to be happy. It's likely that your self esteem issues led your GF into a motherly role in your relationship. I had a similar relationship with my first GF.

    I've seen how bullying can derail ones life. I have a brother who suffered greatly at the hands of bullies, and has only now begun therapy so he can learn to move on with his adult life. Therapy is a powerful tool.

    Drug abuse is a side effect of a much deeper problem. I personally believe drugs don't in themselves ruin lives. I know CEOs who smoke weed regularly. It only becomes a problem if it's preventing you from progress and it's ruining your relationships. That's when you know it's abuse. The abuse always stems from neglected emotional baggage.

    Personally, I was greatly helped by becoming a more spiritual (not religious, but it can mean that) person, and by focusing more on my physical health. Meditation, yoga, weightlifting, jogging, decent eating, and martial arts makes me very confident and happy. I try to spend at least 4 to 7 hours a week doing those things.

  3. #3

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    Ok, I did a bit of research. I'm not co-dependent, I was more of the opposite- putting my needs before my girl friends needs. I guess I was dependent on her not co-dependent.

  4. #4

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    Yea, it would be odd if an AB/DL were codependent as opposed to defendant. Just out of curiosity who was calling you codependent?

    I suppose it is possible that someone else could easily come to the conclusion that another person is codependent without actually having the knowledge or training to make an accurate diagnosis. My ex often called me codependent and depressed, even went so far as to say I should be medicated for my depression. The bad thing is that she was a nurse so many people would just take her word for it. In the end I may have had dependency issues but I was actually really a quite independent AB. As for the depression, it did not actually exist.

    I would personally not worry too much about the labels others might give to you outside of perhaps reviewing your personality traits to make sure everything is pretty much in balance.

  5. #5

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    I was CO-Dependent when I had a motorcycle accident because I broke my left arm and was in a sling for 6 months. I was unable to change my own diapers, so I had to have someone else change them. If you are in a true AB/DL relationship, it will only work if both parties are into it.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by USNYDL View Post
    I was CO-Dependent when I had a motorcycle accident because I broke my left arm and was in a sling for 6 months. I was unable to change my own diapers, so I had to have someone else change them. If you are in a true AB/DL relationship, it will only work if both parties are into it.
    This is where some of the confusion may enter for some people. Needing help is actually depencpdence, needing no help is indepencpdence, codependence is the dependence on the needs of or control of another.

    Another way to put codependence would be to say that you need to be controlled, or needed, by someone else. My sister in law is codependent because her husband is controlling and she actually seems to need that. She has been married twice to very controlling men.

    Like I said before, a lot of people do not know what codependence really is and will often mistake it for what is actually dependence. Now it is actually possible for an AB to be codependent but I am not aware of any cases personally.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Garzilla View Post
    Yea, it would be odd if an AB/DL were codependent as opposed to defendant. Just out of curiosity who was calling you codependent?

    I would personally not worry too much about the labels others might give to you outside of perhaps reviewing your personality traits to make sure everything is pretty much in balance.
    Another client at my treatment facility who was actually co-dependent. I don't think I am, I think right now I've got too much to figure out about myself in life to have a relationship or I will be dependent emotionally on another person. Once I get career going and have more independence and myself I will feel less of a need to be constantly needing emotional support.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittlePony View Post
    I needed her so bad to help me through this rough time in my life that I couldn't be there for her as much as I should have. ETA: So it wouldn't have been fair for my GF to be there for me as an emotional mother figure and my AB mother if I couldn't give much to her.

    I have set myself back quite a bit over the past few years in my addiction to marijuana and alcohol because I am so scared of growing up, being a man, and living on my own plus I have some self esteem issues stemming from bullying in school.
    Eeek! That sounds just like me! I can only speak for myself, but I was brought up in a way that makes me hypersensitive to everyone around me (as in, I perpetually worry what others think of me). Combine that with a bit of bullying in school (so I worry what others think of me AND they all seem to hate me) and I ended up with a few anxiety disorders and depression.

    Because I was always so worried about what people thought of me, I could never risk allowing myself to be vulnerable by talking about emotions. So I retreated into a world of rational logic and detached myself from "the pain" of having to feel emotion properly and "the embarrassment" of allowing other people to see what I'm feeling (and potentially criticise me).

    So... since I haven't really dealt with emotions properly since I was about 5 or 6, I haven't really developed emotionally as much as I "should" have. I'm so used to blanking-out what I'm feeling. So that makes it really hard for me to know how to offer emotional support to others (as much as I'd like to be able to). And it also means that I would need a fair bit of support and reassurance from a partner... whilst being unable to return it... which makes me feel guilty and incompetent and like no one could ever love me (except in a pitying way) so I tend to push people away very firmly. What a recipe for depression!

    And with the depression and anxiety, I feel like I'm living on the edge already! I don't think I could deal with the stress of supporting someone else properly even if I knew how... and that makes me feel pretty selfish and ungrateful.

    I became addicted to weed almost immediately after trying it because, in the short term, it relieved my anxiety and relaxed me. It was amazing at first... but very quickly I started to lose control of my life even more and weed often increased my anxiety and left me zoned-out and unable to function properly. As I felt decreasingly less able to deal with life I became withdrawn and increasingly ashamed that I could feel so depressed when I lived in one of the wealthiest nations on earth while others were starving (etc., etc.). And in the last couple of years (particularly after my mum died) I've been drinking a fair bit to reduce anxiety too.

    Because of my anxiety, the world seems like a pretty terrifying place, so it's no wonder I want to return to childhood to a time when I felt safe and protected and had no responsibilities. And the alcohol (etc.) gives me an artificial sense that I can control my mood, and "somewhere" to escape to when my brain can't block out the world. I think alcohol can be used as an equivalent to sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting, "Na na na! I can't hear you!" to the universe.

    I used to psychologically "beat myself up" over my use of intoxicants, but that only ever made me feel useless and set off my anxiety (inevitably making me want to use alcohol, etc. even more). Paradoxically, it's been easier for me to just concentrate on reducing the anxiety and "not caring" how much I'm drinking & smoking. As I've calmed down, I naturally feel much less need to drink/smoke. And that makes me feel much more capable and in control.

    I have a psychotherapist who has been really helpful in helping me reduce my anxiety. Anxiety is like a virus running on your computer eating up all your clock-cycles and slowing it down, leaving you no processing power to deal with everything else. It's exhausting and debilitating and makes you feel useless. As my anxiety has gradually reduced, I have a bit more brain-power to concentrate on "growing up, being a man, getting a job, sorting out my finances, etc.". I'm still royally screwed for now, but if I can continue that progress I'm sure it'll do wonders for my self-esteem and I will feel much less need to rely on alcohol (etc.). and more able to support other people and (eventually, with a bit of practice) I might get to a point where I feel like I can connect emotionally with someone without "freaking out". Or maybe I'll screw it up and be living on the streets within a couple of years. I don't know...

    Well... just thought I'd tell you my story in case it helps. Sorry for rambling on... My mind's all over the place... :-)

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittlePony View Post
    Another client at my treatment facility who was actually co-dependent. I don't think I am, I think right now I've got too much to figure out about myself in life to have a relationship or I will be dependent emotionally on another person. Once I get career going and have more independence and myself I will feel less of a need to be constantly needing emotional support.
    Well let me tell you a little life secret. As you go through life there will be a tendency for others to label you, especially if you or they, or both, have had struggles. This is a normal par of life that turns out t be pretty destructive. When friends and associates do this they are either trying to cope with there issue or they are trying to cope with and make since of the issue you have.

    As time passes we tend to live up to the labels, but this is a huge mistake. Instead of allowing others to label you, learn for yourself that you are a wonderful person who has an amazing potential. The only limits are those that are set in your own mind.

  10. #10

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    Well I'm into diapers and not co-dependent or dependent at all. Just the opposite in fact, I think too independent. I don't like relying on others or asking for help. If I'm playing a team game or something I always like to lead.

    I maybe sort of put my Career before my partners however. Which while I think is a good thing (for this time in my life anyway) I know alot of people are against.

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