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Thread: Why is it so hard for someone to admit they are gay

  1. #1

    Default Why is it so hard for someone to admit they are gay

    My friend is the biggest closet case on the face of the planet. There was a moment of gay chicken where I basically groped and made out with him and yet he still is unwilling to admit that he is gay. He has had a few girlfriends, but that never really lasts. When I tried to confront him about it he got really mad and defencive calling me a faggot and that I was trying to convert him. I know people are aprehencive about coming out. I still technicaly haven't "come out", but if I ever were to be accused of it one on one with a person I would not hide it. Though this is a little extreme , I'm not going to push him into coming out, though some liquid courage might help him ou,. I just want to know if you have ever met people that were so scared of being gay that they turn that insecurity into hatred towards gay people?

  2. #2

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    Yes, there is a word for it too, it's called being homophobic.

  3. #3

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    People don't come out, because in certain communities it's frowned upon. Many people in the world are ignorant, and will cast you out for being gay, or bully you and make your life completely and totally miserable. So people stay in the closet, doing whatever they can to make people think they aren't gay. Usually, that involves being super anti-gay.

  4. #4
    regressedneutrino

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    I am so sorry to tell you this, but:

    The masses rule. Always have, always will. Growing up today, you are exposed to a lot of casual homophobia (expressed fear of gay people, whether the fear is genuine or not). Of course, there are a lot of wonderful work being done to support gay rights, and in a lot of ways, it's working. Still, have you ever thought of how often people hear others say something that makes being gay sound bad? For instance, when was the last time you heard "gay" as an insult? Heard someone laugh at the idea of someone being homophile? Think of all the times you've heard anything that makes it seem unnatural. The simple, yet terrifying, truth is that homophobia is catchy. I'd go fo far as to say that most people have it to some degree.

    If this person is starting to get even slightly unsure about his sexuality, which he has probably always assumed is 100% heterosexual, and he is a bit of a homophobe (he may very well not be, but from what you say, he probably is), chances are he'll be really upset with himself. That's completely natural. Starting to identify yourself with something you've learnt from society is "wrong" and "unnatural", is harsh. Also, a lot of people are extremely afraid of what society will think, bacause let's face it: hating on gay people is in.

    Usually, people cope with it, one way or the other. He could start to accept he may well be a bit gay, or he could completely deny it. Either way, there is little you can really do. This is a question of him accepting himself, and drawing the outlines of his own identity. Yes, it may seem irrational that it shall be so hard for some people. After all, it is just that: irrational. But completely natural. Give him some space. He'll figure it out. It's his life, and parts of its fundaments are being shaken.

  5. #5
    June

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    Sadly, homosexuality is often shunned still today. A lot of it has to do with social acceptance. Many of the people that have a hard time coming out are young, and still are friends with people that haven't rationally decided what makes it "wrong". They tend to fear persecution, judgement, and a loss of popularity. And I recall popularity being a major issue when I was much younger. Much of whether the person is comfortable coming out or not depends on what they think of the subject itself, and their peers and family members. The issue of such an aspect about oneself drastically affecting others' perception of them is, unfortunately, not unrealistic.

    I'm happy for the people that have accepted it as part of who they are, and hope that those still struggling to do so do the same. But it is nothing to be ashamed of.

  6. #6
    Cygnus

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trouble View Post
    People don't come out, because in certain communities it's frowned upon. Many people in the world are ignorant, and will cast you out for being gay, or bully you and make your life completely and totally miserable. So people stay in the closet, doing whatever they can to make people think they aren't gay. Usually, that involves being super anti-gay.
    This is my reason.

    I live in a very conservative part of the United States. A majority of people around me have negative views on homosexuality, my family and friends included in that group. I won't come out until I'm on my own for fear that my life will be made hell. I don't lash out against homosexuality, instead I just bite my tongue to keep my cover. I do plan on being open and not ashamed about my homosexuality when I move out and am self-reliant. For now, however, it wouldn't be beneficial for me to come out.

  7. #7
    ElijahLee

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    I came out @ my school. I didnt tell my mother or anything, but everyone is like loving me more. Its a strange feeling when coming out But after you do it makes you feel so much better its gets stress off you kinda.

  8. #8

    Default

    If you come out, especially at school, you have to be very secure in yourself, and you have to know how to play it. There's a member on this site who came out at school, and they made his life a living hell, so much that he dropped out of school.

    I attended a famous music conservatory for church musicians, Westminster Choir College, and I would estimate that half the male population was gay. It was interesting to watch the freshman class come in during the fall. There were a number of males who tried to be openly against homosexuality, trying to make us feel bad. It was humerus to us, because by the end of the first semester, most of them had come out, making peace with themselves. It seemed to be the part of the process.

    Though the gay students knew my best friend and I were a couple, we didn't wear it on our sleeve. It wasn't always safe, and in the late 60's, you could be expelled from school if you were caught with another male, and even rumor could bring you into the Dean's office. This happened to me, and he asked me if I was gay. I told him off, saying how disappointed I was that he, the Dean, would listen to gossip. It's what we had to do back then.

    It may be naive to think that just because a male might be attracted to other males, he can easily make that leap to commitment, knowing that he suddenly becomes a minority, and one that can be taunted. Look at the student at Rutgers U. who committed suicide when outed by his room mate. Everyone who is gay must come to turns with their sexuality in their own way. Not only do they have to plan how this is going to change their life, they have to consider their family and relatives, future employment, and so many things which society likes to play games with. Since I'm an educator and a church musician, I kept a low profile about my sexuality. Even now, married with children and grandchildren, my wife is the only one who knows my history, and the things I live with, inside my soul, she and my best friend from college. We still stay in touch. Life is complicated.

  9. #9

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    In my circle of friends homosexuality is accepted, as most have admitted to having their moments, but when I confronted him about it we were alone and it's not like I was going to announce it to the world. We live in Canada and I can't recall there ever being any outward attacks on gay kids when I went to school with him. Though I guess things like media play a bigger role.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dracodex View Post
    My friend is the biggest closet case on the face of the planet. There was a moment of gay chicken where I basically groped and made out with him and yet he still is unwilling to admit that he is gay. He has had a few girlfriends, but that never really lasts. When I tried to confront him about it he got really mad and defencive calling me a faggot and that I was trying to convert him. I know people are aprehencive about coming out. I still technicaly haven't "come out", but if I ever were to be accused of it one on one with a person I would not hide it. Though this is a little extreme , I'm not going to push him into coming out, though some liquid courage might help him ou,. I just want to know if you have ever met people that were so scared of being gay that they turn that insecurity into hatred towards gay people?
    Your friend may not be sure yet. He may be confused, unsure, or testing the waters. It is hard enough to come out when you know for sure, but when you still have doubts about it, it is much harder to tell anyone anything.

    He also may have had an upbringing that has put him in denial until he is more confident about himself.

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