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Thread: How do other transgendered people do it?

  1. #1

    Default How do other transgendered people do it?

    Hey everybody.

    As you may or may not have known, I have been confused and flip floppy about my gender identity for a while now, and I've been contemplating telling someone about it or going to a gender therapist for quite some time, but up until now I've been trying to tell myself that my gender issues aren't as bad as I'm making them out to be. Last night though, I did something a little different, something that I think may have shown me just how serious of an issue this really is for me: I wrote about it.

    It started out as a list of things that I could recall that might have hinted from an early age some sort of problem with my gender identity, at first, I had trouble getting started, but before I knew it, I had an 8 page paper sitting in front of me, and I would have kept going were it not for the fact that it was almost midnight and I had school the next day. In fact I think I might add on to it later >_>

    Anyways, I've tried 'coming out' before, but after my mom's reaction (which really wasn't terrible, it just had a sad overtone, and I decided to drop the issue out of fear of dissapointing her) I didn't want to continue. I told myself that I was making a bigger deal out of it that it really was, but after rereading what I wrote last night, I think this issue actually is pretty serious... I know that I would be able to continue putting up with/ ignoring it for the rest of my life if I really wanted to, but I don't. What I want, well, actually What I think I need to do, is talk to someone about this, the only problem is I'm absolutely terrified of talking about it...

    So anyways, I guess what I'm really asking here is how can I work up the courage to talk about it with someone? To all of the other transgendered people on this site, how did you work up the courage to come out and talk about this with people? Right now I don't think I could even schedule an appointment with a gender therapist, let alone transition if that is in fact the path that I should take...

  2. #2

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    I believe you're making a good first step by first talking about ti to yourself. For me once I accepted myself it was easier to tell others. I started by telling my best friend how I felt and things I thought, hearing them say they accept me and will be there for me gave me the confidence I needed to tell my family next, from there I have no problem talking to others about it.

  3. #3

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    Your identity is serious but it may also not be fixed. Where you are today will not be where you are in the future so there is no hurry to "get it right". I identify as gender fluid, how I feel day to day changes, more female than male but... I did a presentation on gender identity last week at Southern Comfort and one of the things I was focused on is that virtually ALL of the media and community attention is focused on the smallest part of the community those that identify as transsexuals, and my concern that those in our community such as your self that are young can be pushed down a path that is not theirs. If you wish you can PM me and I will send an email address and or cell number so we can talk.
    I can recommend counseling with a therapist competent in gender issues, I have taken my own advice and it helps. This is one of the reasons I went into social work and counseling.

  4. #4

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    You just have to really summon up all the courage and determination that you possibly can, and make plans. It's not an easy thing to do, and it's will really mess with your life and relationships. But of course, above anything else, there's no harm in seeing a gender therapist. You'd at least be able to really confront the issue with someone.

    People can give you all sorts of general advice and share their experiences, but the real truth is that you won't get anywhere without "growing some ovaries" and taking a whole series of confronting actions that will turn your life upside-down.

  5. #5

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    That's the whole point of gender therapist... go and make an appointment and talk. Let her/him to evaluate and talk further and determine if you really have GID (Gender Identity Disorder) or not. It really helps, trust me. Based on your post, you do have GID. You seem to be confused due to fear to lose family, friends if coming out. Trust me, this is normal. I used to feel this way as well during pre-transition. It was a wreck but it was very rewarding when I came out.

    Unfortunately, you can't expect everyone to accept you, at least not instantly. If they seem unsure but still willing to sort it out or understand it... give them much time as you can... it's the best for them and you. I used to think "if they can't accept me, then screw them.". Later on, I realized I was wrong. Sadly, I lost about 75% of my long time friends (mostly males, go figure...) because they cannot accept me as a female nor seeing me as a female because I grew up with most of them... they are so used to see me as male. I don't blame them, I guess. I moved on and I made plenty of new ones during transition and post transition... it's much easier when they know me as a female, not male. Sorry for bit harsh truth here but I just want you to be prepare for something like this. Maybe you are luckier than me... who knows. :p For my family, it took couple of years for them to accept, refer me as female and my new name. I am grateful that they still love me, no matter what.

    I agree with others... it's best to eventually accept yourself first. There's no need to rush to do that at all... take your time, better chance you will discover your true self right way (not wrong way then regret later). After that, it's much easier to tell some certain close friends you trust, then family, then everybody else. That what I did. It took me a while couple of years to realize and accept myself.

    I wish you nothing but all the best for you.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rissy View Post
    but the real truth is that you won't get anywhere without "growing some ovaries"
    I got a good laugh out of that



    Quote Originally Posted by PrincessLily
    That's the whole point of gender therapist... go and make an appointment and talk. Let her/him to evaluate and talk further and determine if you really have GID (Gender Identity Disorder) or not. It really helps, trust me. Based on your post, you do have GID. You seem to be confused due to fear to lose family, friends if coming out. Trust me, this is normal. I used to feel this way as well during pre-transition. It was a wreck but it was very rewarding when I came out.

    Unfortunately, you can't expect everyone to accept you, at least not instantly. If they seem unsure but still willing to sort it out or understand it... give them much time as you can... it's the best for them and you. I used to think "if they can't accept me, then screw them.". Later on, I realized I was wrong. Sadly, I lost about 75% of my long time friends (mostly males, go figure...) because they cannot accept me as a female nor seeing me as a female because I grew up with most of them... they are so used to see me as male. I don't blame them, I guess. I moved on and I made plenty of new ones during transition and post transition... it's much easier when they know me as a female, not male. Sorry for bit harsh truth here but I just want you to be prepare for something like this. Maybe you are luckier than me... who knows. :p For my family, it took couple of years for them to accept, refer me as female and my new name. I am grateful that they still love me, no matter what.

    I agree with others... it's best to eventually accept yourself first. There's no need to rush to do that at all... take your time, better chance you will discover your true self right way (not wrong way then regret later). After that, it's much easier to tell some certain close friends you trust, then family, then everybody else. That what I did. It took me a while couple of years to realize and accept myself.

    I wish you nothing but all the best for you.
    I know that if I came out that not everyone would accept it, that's part of the reason I was too terrified to even think about the issue for a while. I have somewhat of a social anxiety in that I am extremely self conscious when it comes to making sure that people don't perceive me as weird or dumb, and I know that if I 'came out' about my gender issues that a lot of people might think I was crazy (I don't mean to offend anyone by saying that, I'm just saying how I think most people would perceive me).



    Quote Originally Posted by Salls
    I did a presentation on gender identity last week at Southern Comfort and one of the things I was focused on is that virtually ALL of the media and community attention is focused on the smallest part of the community those that identify as transsexuals, and my concern that those in our community such as your self that are young can be pushed down a path that is not theirs.
    I know, that's why in my post I made sure avoid labeling myself in my opening post, because to be honest, I don't know where on the spectrum I fall.

    I never really considered myself to have body dysphoria, because I wasn't really sure if the unhappiness with my body that I felt was due to not having the right body, or just poor self image. Now though, I am thinking I do have bodily dysphoria, because a majority of the things I dislike about my body are gender oriented. I hate my masculine hair line, my forming brow ridge, the way the fat is stored on my stomach, and the thing I hate the most is not having curves the only masculine trait that I didn't really mind was the genitals, but even then I wouldn't exactly say I 'liked' them, more like I was indifferent toward them. While I don't mind using them to 'ahem' relieve myself, I can't say I would be terribly heartbroken if I ended up losing them either. I really don't even know how I would feel about having a pair of breasts, because I've never had any. I do know that I did have a minor case of gynecomastia (like, really minor), and when I found out, I felt my chest everyday hoping that they would get bigger, but they never did... So if I had to guess how I would feel about having breasts, then I would have to say I can't imagine I would dislike it very much.

    I do have social dysphoria, that much I'm sure of. The way that girls get to act and actually show their emotions makes me really jealous... The words used to describe girls are so much more appealing to me. My irl name has a very closely related female one, and sometimes my friends will tease me by calling me by it, and when they do, I can't help but think about how much better it would be to be called that from then on...

    I started crossdressing in private about a year ago, and its been pretty sporadic, but I enjoy it a lot, and I really want to interact with other people while dressed in that way, but I'm way too scared to actually try it. If I was actually passable, or at least had enough courage to try it, then I would definitely try to pass a female in public. I don't know if I would want to live permanently in the female role or not though, as there are some aspects of the male role that I think I might miss, but overall the opportunity to go out in public and be treated as a girl for once has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember >_> For the record, I crossplay females in games all the time, and I feel great when my character is called 'she'. I sometimes play as male characters too, but those times are few and far between.

    Right now my stance on this is something like this:
    I want a more feminine body, and I want to be able to pass as female in public when I want to, although how much I would go out as female is not very clear to me yet.

    Sorry, I know I'm probably rambling, but I don't exactly have many other people to talk with openly about this, so right now you guys (or girls I guess >_>) are all I have to talk to... Thanks for being such good therapists

  7. #7

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    I think it's really easy as a trans person (specifically transsexual), to look at a story like yours, and identify with parts of it, and then make an assumption that you must be trans as well. SallS put it pretty well:



    Quote Originally Posted by SallS View Post
    Your identity is serious but it may also not be fixed. Where you are today will not be where you are in the future so there is no hurry to "get it right". I identify as gender fluid, how I feel day to day changes, more female than male but... I did a presentation on gender identity last week at Southern Comfort and one of the things I was focused on is that virtually ALL of the media and community attention is focused on the smallest part of the community those that identify as transsexuals, and my concern that those in our community such as your self that are young can be pushed down a path that is not theirs.
    It sounds like it's time for a lot of introspection, although the fact that you have already thought about it a lot lately signifies that something is going on. Several of the things you wrote suggest that you'd like a more feminine body, but I think the more important thing is how you want to be perceived by other people. It might not be socially acceptable for guys to show emotion in public, but that doesn't mean that every guy is like that. On the other hand, it seems like you like it when other people refer to you as female (like in games). My mind is getting a bit hazy now, and I can't remember what I was going to say. >.> Uhm, talking to someone (like a specialist) would be a great step, and also getting out there (maybe in a safe environment like a LGBT meeting, or going somewhere with a friend) presenting as female and seeing if you like it or not. It can be a lot harder if you don't pass, but you might be surprised about the disparity between the way you see yourself and other people see yourself. There are plenty of days I wake up and wonder how the hell anyone else sees a girl when they look at me, but I haven't been clocked in about a year.

    One resource is reddit's r/asktransgender. There are a bunch of nice people on there who can talk to you about what you're feeling. Just post what you posted here and I'm sure you'll get some replies. There's also a forum I know of that is specifically for younger-ish trans people (and questioning trans people). Even if you don't post there, there are a ton of threads covering just about anything you could think of. I could PM you that if you're interested.

    When it comes down to it, if you really are trans, this isn't going to go away and it's probably going to get worse over time as you hide it from other people. "I'm not pretty enough/I won't pass/No one will see me as really a woman" or even just "I won't be accepted for who I am (gender-fluid, bi-gendered, a cross-dresser...)" might be enough to stop you now, but once the dsyphoria kicks in, it's probably going to tip the scales.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by whitefox View Post
    I think it's really easy as a trans person (specifically transsexual), to look at a story like yours, and identify with parts of it, and then make an assumption that you must be trans as well. SallS put it pretty well:
    I agree, which is part of the reason that I've been hesitant to put a label on myself.



    Quote Originally Posted by whitefox
    It sounds like it's time for a lot of introspection, although the fact that you have already thought about it a lot lately signifies that something is going on. Several of the things you wrote suggest that you'd like a more feminine body, but I think the more important thing is how you want to be perceived by other people. It might not be socially acceptable for guys to show emotion in public, but that doesn't mean that every guy is like that. On the other hand, it seems like you like it when other people refer to you as female (like in games). My mind is getting a bit hazy now, and I can't remember what I was going to say. >.> Uhm, talking to someone (like a specialist) would be a great step, and also getting out there (maybe in a safe environment like a LGBT meeting, or going somewhere with a friend) presenting as female and seeing if you like it or not. It can be a lot harder if you don't pass, but you might be surprised about the disparity between the way you see yourself and other people see yourself. There are plenty of days I wake up and wonder how the hell anyone else sees a girl when they look at me, but I haven't been clocked in about a year.
    Believe me when I say I think I've done too much introspecting! I need to stop introspecting and start talking! XD Speaking of which, I talked to my mom about this earlier (it just sort of came up in conversation some how) and she seems a lot better with it then she did before. She even encouraged me to go to therapy about it, she said -quote- "Don't you just want to go get therapy and get it over with? If you wait until later you might regret it." She didn't say it with sarcasm, she was completely serious, she even added- "I'll love you no matter what shape, size, creed, sexuality or gender, as long as you're happy." It sounds sappy I know, but I wanted to cry with joy :'-)

    I'm still terrified of what my dad would say, but after my mom's reaction, the only thing I'm left thinking right now is 'why did I wait so long?' XD

    I'm still not gonna rush into this though, I'm definitely not telling my dad until after I meet with a therapist. I want to be 100% sure of everything before I open my mouth to him, because I'm almost positive he isn't going to be happy, and I don't want to open that can of worms without being completely prepared.

    Now I just gotta work up the courage to pick up the darn phone and schedule a freaking appointment... Hopefully I don't chicken out this time >_>

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyoko View Post
    I agree, which is part of the reason that I've been hesitant to put a label on myself.

    Believe me when I say I think I've done too much introspecting! I need to stop introspecting and start talking! XD Speaking of which, I talked to my mom about this earlier (it just sort of came up in conversation some how) and she seems a lot better with it then she did before. She even encouraged me to go to therapy about it, she said -quote- "Don't you just want to go get therapy and get it over with? If you wait until later you might regret it." She didn't say it with sarcasm, she was completely serious, she even added- "I'll love you no matter what shape, size, creed, sexuality or gender, as long as you're happy." It sounds sappy I know, but I wanted to cry with joy :'-)

    I'm still terrified of what my dad would say, but after my mom's reaction, the only thing I'm left thinking right now is 'why did I wait so long?' XD

    I'm still not gonna rush into this though, I'm definitely not telling my dad until after I meet with a therapist. I want to be 100% sure of everything before I open my mouth to him, because I'm almost positive he isn't going to be happy, and I don't want to open that can of worms without being completely prepared.

    Now I just gotta work up the courage to pick up the darn phone and schedule a freaking appointment... Hopefully I don't chicken out this time >_>
    That's an amazing reaction from your mum! How long ago was 'earlier' and 'before'? Sometimes people change their minds after they've had a day or two to think about what you've told them, but if she's already processed it, and is now turning a corner, that sounds really awesome. That sucks about your dad, though. Both of my parents were in disbelief after I told them, for almost a year. My dad eventually was not okay with it, and my mum was completely accepting. Having at least that one good family member on my side was a great feeling. She even explained it to her side of the family so I wouldn't have to have a long talk with everyone. It was nice to know that I always had a safe place to go, too (my parents are divorced and live about an hour apart).

    If you're ready to get the process started, then do it! It's scary and exciting and depressing and fun and once you get to that point where you're happy with your life (or at least start in the right direction), there's nothing like it! I'd never go back.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by whitefox View Post
    That's an amazing reaction from your mum! How long ago was 'earlier' and 'before'? Sometimes people change their minds after they've had a day or two to think about what you've told them, but if she's already processed it, and is now turning a corner, that sounds really awesome. That sucks about your dad, though. Both of my parents were in disbelief after I told them, for almost a year. My dad eventually was not okay with it, and my mum was completely accepting. Having at least that one good family member on my side was a great feeling. She even explained it to her side of the family so I wouldn't have to have a long talk with everyone. It was nice to know that I always had a safe place to go, too (my parents are divorced and live about an hour apart).

    If you're ready to get the process started, then do it! It's scary and exciting and depressing and fun and once you get to that point where you're happy with your life (or at least start in the right direction), there's nothing like it! I'd never go back.
    Before was probably... about 6 months ago? I told her the first time a month or two before I left for a summer camp, where I stayed for about three months, so she has definitely had some time to think about it, I've just been trying to figure out how to bring it up again since I got back. The opportunity presented itself earlier today, so I did. Even I was surprised at how it went

    To be honest though, I'm still scared as crap... My parents live together, so even if I have one on my side, if the other ends up resenting me, then things at home will get pretty awkward... :\ Plus there's the fact that the city I live in isn't what I would consider trans friendly... The city of 'Brotherly Love' isn't exactly a very loving place >_> I might need to change schools to a safer area if I do end up deciding to transition.

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