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Thread: Living Without a Parent

  1. #1

    Default Living Without a Parent

    Last January I lost my mother very unexpected. Literally she had been sick for a few days with what looked to be as bad the flu, went into the hospital on Friday because it hadn't been getting better, and I was told Saturday morning of her passing earlier that morning. I first thought this to be impossible.... I had talked to her Friday morning, said goodbye before I went to school, hugged her and watched some TV before I had left. She just didn't seem that sick...

    Anyway, I have been trying to cope with all of that, and it has been hard, but as I said, I've been coping. Less then accepting, more then letting it rot me from the inside out. Though thoughts have come to my mind that have brought up feelings I thought I had already worked though.

    It's going to be my first Halloween without her. No one to look at my costume and tell me that it is cool or that it is good, and even tell me that it is cute, which kinda bugged me when she was alive but now I miss the thought of it so damn bad.

    It's going to be my first Thanksgiving without her. I won't have he sitting across the table, or joking about how spots obsessed my dad can get, or someone to ask me to help cook.

    It's going to by my first birthday without her in December, and I don't even know what would... excuse me, will, happen now that she's gone. My dad forgot my birthday last year, and my mom was the only one to tell me happy birthday that entire day (in real life. I thank my friends Jordan, Josh, Michael, and any others, and especially thank my boyfriend Tom) and I felt so great to have her there.

    And finally, and probably most heartbreaking, it's going to be my first Christmas without her. I just.... I can't even go into all the good memories and how I feel knowing that she's not going to be there anymore.

    Does anyone know where I'm coming from, or have any advice on what to do? I mean, I haven't even visited her grave, and I don't think I could ever bring myself to.

  2. #2

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    I know exactly where your coming from. I was adopted by my grandparents because my mom couldn't take care of my two brothers and I after my father passed away (not where this is going). That was when I was 7. So my granny and grampa had become my parents and had done the best they could.

    I went into the army 12 years later. My grampa was not in the best of health. He was a disabled Vietnam vet with all kinds of health problems. I came home from Korea and saw him for the last time. I shared with him what Korea was like for me and he would tell me stories about Korea, Germany, Guam, Vietnam, and many other places. In July 07, I went to my new unit. I was stationed in Georgia this time which was nice because I could come home rather quickly to Alabama if the need arise.

    I found out I was going to Iraq soon after I arrived and told my folks. I talked to my grampa about on the phone and everything seemed well. It was early October when I got up one morning and found an answering machine message saying he wasn't doing so good and to come on home. I called back to see what was going on only to find out he had already passed away. I came home for the funeral in total disbelief.

    I went on Iraq later that month. I came home 15 months later and went on leave for Christmas. I got a post card from my granny for Christmas. I read it and the last 4 words made it sink in and made my cry. Down in the usual spot it was signed," Love, Granny and Pa Pa". Because I knew he didn't write it, but he should have. I should have been able to come home from Iraq, and share my new stories with him over a cup of coffee. And for thanksgiving he should have been the one to carve the turkey. And every-time we drive over a bridge, he should have been there to sing this silly song about fishing.

    Until I got married, I no longer celebrated birthdays, Christmas, or thanksgiving. That's not the right thing to do and I'm glad my wife helped me to see that.

    Don't stop celebrating holidays because they aren't there anymore. Enjoy those times best you can, because that is what they would want. Use that time to remember the best times. And anytime your feeling down about it, just remember the good happy times you enjoyed together. When I am bummed out about him, I think of his stories and him teaching us to fish. How proud he was of my brothers and I when we come home with a bucket full of fish. When I am down about my other grandmother, I think of her taking us walking through the woods and teaching us about nature. Anyways, holidays don't have to become bad parts of the year where you become a shut in and a drunk. Just remember the good in your life and the good things you once did. And one day, hopefully, you get to look forward to doing these things with a new family.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by gottibear View Post
    I know exactly where your coming from. I was adopted by my grandparents because my mom couldn't take care of my two brothers and I after my father passed away (not where this is going). That was when I was 7. So my granny and grampa had become my parents and had done the best they could.

    I went into the army 12 years later. My grampa was not in the best of health. He was a disabled Vietnam vet with all kinds of health problems. I came home from Korea and saw him for the last time. I shared with him what Korea was like for me and he would tell me stories about Korea, Germany, Guam, Vietnam, and many other places. In July 07, I went to my new unit. I was stationed in Georgia this time which was nice because I could come home rather quickly to Alabama if the need arise.

    I found out I was going to Iraq soon after I arrived and told my folks. I talked to my grampa about on the phone and everything seemed well. It was early October when I got up one morning and found an answering machine message saying he wasn't doing so good and to come on home. I called back to see what was going on only to find out he had already passed away. I came home for the funeral in total disbelief.

    I went on Iraq later that month. I came home 15 months later and went on leave for Christmas. I got a post card from my granny for Christmas. I read it and the last 4 words made it sink in and made my cry. Down in the usual spot it was signed," Love, Granny and Pa Pa". Because I knew he didn't write it, but he should have. I should have been able to come home from Iraq, and share my new stories with him over a cup of coffee. And for thanksgiving he should have been the one to carve the turkey. And every-time we drive over a bridge, he should have been there to sing this silly song about fishing.

    Until I got married, I no longer celebrated birthdays, Christmas, or thanksgiving. That's not the right thing to do and I'm glad my wife helped me to see that.

    Don't stop celebrating holidays because they aren't there anymore. Enjoy those times best you can, because that is what they would want. Use that time to remember the best times. And anytime your feeling down about it, just remember the good happy times you enjoyed together. When I am bummed out about him, I think of his stories and him teaching us to fish. How proud he was of my brothers and I when we come home with a bucket full of fish. When I am down about my other grandmother, I think of her taking us walking through the woods and teaching us about nature. Anyways, holidays don't have to become bad parts of the year where you become a shut in and a drunk. Just remember the good in your life and the good things you once did. And one day, hopefully, you get to look forward to doing these things with a new family.
    Thank you. It's just... This is the first year without her, and even though I know I should live and be happy, it's hard without her, since she had always been there for me.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadowhawk View Post
    Last January I lost my mother very unexpected. Literally she had been sick for a few days with what looked to be as bad the flu, went into the hospital on Friday because it hadn't been getting better, and I was told Saturday morning of her passing earlier that morning. I first thought this to be impossible.... I had talked to her Friday morning, said goodbye before I went to school, hugged her and watched some TV before I had left. She just didn't seem that sick...

    Anyway, I have been trying to cope with all of that, and it has been hard, but as I said, I've been coping. Less then accepting, more then letting it rot me from the inside out. Though thoughts have come to my mind that have brought up feelings I thought I had already worked though.

    It's going to be my first Halloween without her. No one to look at my costume and tell me that it is cool or that it is good, and even tell me that it is cute, which kinda bugged me when she was alive but now I miss the thought of it so damn bad.

    It's going to be my first Thanksgiving without her. I won't have he sitting across the table, or joking about how spots obsessed my dad can get, or someone to ask me to help cook.

    It's going to by my first birthday without her in December, and I don't even know what would... excuse me, will, happen now that she's gone. My dad forgot my birthday last year, and my mom was the only one to tell me happy birthday that entire day (in real life. I thank my friends Jordan, Josh, Michael, and any others, and especially thank my boyfriend Tom) and I felt so great to have her there.

    And finally, and probably most heartbreaking, it's going to be my first Christmas without her. I just.... I can't even go into all the good memories and how I feel knowing that she's not going to be there anymore.

    Does anyone know where I'm coming from, or have any advice on what to do? I mean, I haven't even visited her grave, and I don't think I could ever bring myself to.
    They always say that it gets easier after the first year - once you're through all the 'firsts'. I'm not sure that's true. I lost my dad last June, 7 days before my 21st birthday, and I wouldn't say my 22nd this year was much better. We don't do thanksgiving here in the UK, and Halloween isn't such a big thing, but my dads birthday was a nightmare, and Christmas was terrible. It had always been a big family affair, but this year it was so horrible. I'm not really looking forward to it this year either.

    There's really not much advice anyone can give you in this situation - everyone grieves in their own way, and you're so young to have lost a parent. Cherish the memories that you have together - my dad died after a protracted illness, and it took me months to start remembering what he was like before he was ill. Whenever I thought of him I could only see the old man in hospital wasting away - that man wasn't my daddy, he was someone else. My daddy was big and strong and kind, and would have done anything for me - I had him wrapped around my little finger, and it took me months to remember that. But the happier memories do come back. I promise!

    I'm not sure if you guys have something like this, but I ended up going to see a psychologist/counselor especially for young people who had lost a parent. I only ended up seeing her three times, but she just seemed to know all the right questions to ask me, and to help me articulate the thoughts and feelings swirling around in my brain. One of the things I found the hardest was talking about my dad. Obviously the rest of my family were grieving as well, and most of my close friends had also lost their fathers previously, so it didn't feel right talking to them - the situation I was in only brought up bad feelings and memories for them. Talking to someone completely impartial - who had never known my dad really helped.

    Things do have to change, and death is a horrible reason for things changing but it happens to everyone eventually. If you can, try to make new routines this year, that incorporate things that your mother would have wanted.

    On my birthday my mum and I have taken to going for a drive around all the local places that we used to go to as a family. Local parks, a nice place for lunch, the woodland areas around my house. But on our drive we also find new places, places that my dad would have loved too, and we sit and just take our time and remember him. And in the evening we have a party, or go for a meal, with everyone else.

    Remember, your dad will be grieving too, and it's hard for him as well. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Maybe you could honour thanksgiving or halloween (times that your mother enjoyed or was a big part of your life) by going to her grave, or where her ashes are scattered?

    I don't really know what else to tell you. I'm a good few years older than you, and my dad wasn't even a huge part of my life when he died (I'd not been living at home for 4 years) but by God it was a heartbreaker. I can't imagine what you must be going through, losing your mother at such a young age. If you do ever need to talk, then please feel free to message me, and if not then do know that I'm thinking of you and hoping the best for you.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadowhawk View Post
    Last January I lost my mother very unexpected. Literally she had been sick for a few days with what looked to be as bad the flu, went into the hospital on Friday because it hadn't been getting better, and I was told Saturday morning of her passing earlier that morning. I first thought this to be impossible.... I had talked to her Friday morning, said goodbye before I went to school, hugged her and watched some TV before I had left. She just didn't seem that sick...

    Anyway, I have been trying to cope with all of that, and it has been hard, but as I said, I've been coping. Less then accepting, more then letting it rot me from the inside out. Though thoughts have come to my mind that have brought up feelings I thought I had already worked though.

    It's going to be my first Halloween without her. No one to look at my costume and tell me that it is cool or that it is good, and even tell me that it is cute, which kinda bugged me when she was alive but now I miss the thought of it so damn bad.

    It's going to be my first Thanksgiving without her. I won't have he sitting across the table, or joking about how spots obsessed my dad can get, or someone to ask me to help cook.

    It's going to by my first birthday without her in December, and I don't even know what would... excuse me, will, happen now that she's gone. My dad forgot my birthday last year, and my mom was the only one to tell me happy birthday that entire day (in real life. I thank my friends Jordan, Josh, Michael, and any others, and especially thank my boyfriend Tom) and I felt so great to have her there.

    And finally, and probably most heartbreaking, it's going to be my first Christmas without her. I just.... I can't even go into all the good memories and how I feel knowing that she's not going to be there anymore.

    Does anyone know where I'm coming from, or have any advice on what to do? I mean, I haven't even visited her grave, and I don't think I could ever bring myself to.

    I went thru something similar...my mom abandoned me when i was an infant. no contact til two years ago...she called me asked me to testify in a case...after it was over she couldn't even tell me thank you and i was crying on the inside....my one chance to reconnect with her and she rejected it

  6. #6

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    Very sorry to hear of your loss SH, I cant imagine the pain that entered your heart at such an early age.

    I havent lost either of my parents yet, but heres what I would suggest.

    Dont bottle this up, dont let it manifest or dwell inside you.

    Dont think for a minute that your going through this alone, and that no one knows how your feeling. Your father, your mothers side of her family, and any other brothers or sisters are going through it as well. Heck, even a family pet can detect when a loved one has passed.

    Talk to your dad. Talk to other family. Reach out to other people perhaps her coworkers and other friends who can share the sorrow with you.

    Go see a therapist. Both you and your father should go, seperately, and together if need be. We are alot of people here to help you, but certainly not at all qualified to help you with your difficulties.

    Not only will the therapist be able to help you with your feelings and how to sort through them but can also put you in touch with other agencies and organizations that can be a wealth of assistance.

    She was taken from you far to early, but dont even think for one second that she is not with you every minute watching over you. When times get tough for you, go to her favorite spot. Maybe it was a place in the park, where ever it was, go there. Talk to her. It may not seem like it, but she will talk back to you. You'll hear her voice in your head answering your questions with things she used really answer. It will help. So will we.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Dang, I just read my post, and it made me tear up.

  7. #7

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    I'm so sorry for your loss Shadowhawk. As you probably know, I'm 64, but I was a very young man and young father when I lost my mom to cancer. I had already lost my father. My mom came to live with us because of her cancer, but she soon went into a coma. She died two weeks before Christmas.

    You are right in that all the holidays, all the special times and moments are tough. We had our first child in February, and my mom was able to hold him when she came to be with us. I was singing a solo in church and she got to hear me for the last time. We will always value these moments that are precious and unique to us. I can remember when I was a little kid and my mom getting the costume I wanted, and making sure it fit properly. I loved Thanksgiving with my parents, and of course Christmas. I'm a big Christmas nut, I think because of my mom and dad.

    Now I enjoy these events with my own children, and even their children. It really is the circle of life. it's one reason why I left my gay lifestyle from college and got married. I wanted all of that, the meaningful relationship of kids and family. So now my wife is the mother and I the father. I remember my parents fondly, and know that sometime I will be with them once again, celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas on a different plain. I look forward to it actually.

    I guess the site knows I'm a spiritual person, and that I've had a lot of unique experiences. Keep your eyes open, because sometimes we get strange signs from the other side. Try not to let her passing hurt you, but celebrate her life as best you can. She would want good things for you, so allow that to happen. Communicate a little more with your dad, as he probably needs you in his life, even if he's not aware of that.

    Enjoy your friends, and don't be afraid to share with them. At least one of them will respond favorably. but don't go overboard. Just be genuine and caring. The first year is always the hardest. It gets better with time, so hang in there. Your real life friends are the best, but remember you also have friends here as well. Don't be afraid to talk to us. I'm always a good listener.

  8. #8

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    I am so sorry for your loss, it is truly heartbreaking. There is nothing that will ever prepare a child for the loss of a parent and the process will take a lot of time. You are hitting the point where you start realizing life will never be the same, and that you have already had the last of every holiday and birthday.

    As in everything in life how you handle this is a matter of choice. You clearly love her and the relationship was very sweet. This is clear from how you talk about her and your memories. A this point you can choose to be sad or you can choose to celebrate her life and to remember those sweet memories.

    Time will help to heal your heart but never forget her. Treasure every memory.

    It will help you to talk to your dad, grandparents and anyone else that knew and loved her. Even though it will be difficult at first share memories and even cry together. Never be ashamed to cry for her. Crying is a good thing that gives us an emotional release but also helps to bond us to those that we love.

    Talk to your father and don't worry about showing your vulnerabilities and your sensitive side. Let him know when you are afraid and when is are worried that he might forget your birthday, or that you might forget something about your mom. You will get closer and this will help both of you to heal from the loss.

    Love is the most powerful force on this earth and is something that we can leave behind. Over time her love will help to heal your heart.
    Last edited by Garzilla; 06-Oct-2012 at 14:52.

  9. #9

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    I was raised by my grandparents, and lost my grandfather a couple years ago. We knew it was coming, and it was quite painful to watch a tower of a man I miss to this day crumble before me. His passing was a good thing by the end, but I understand how you feel. Family gatherings haven't been the same since, and I miss him every day.

    The only way I know to cope is to keep reminding yourself of all of the good times and know that they would want you to move forward. They would not want you to be sad all the time. Parents want their children to be happy and healthy so you should make that your goal every day. Keep the happy memories in your thoughts and never forget them.

    I don't visit my grandfather as often as I would like because he is interned a very long way away, but I have pictures of his new home, and again, think of him daily.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadowhawk View Post
    Last January I lost my mother very unexpected. Literally she had been sick for a few days with what looked to be as bad the flu, went into the hospital on Friday because it hadn't been getting better, and I was told Saturday morning of her passing earlier that morning. I first thought this to be impossible.... I had talked to her Friday morning, said goodbye before I went to school, hugged her and watched some TV before I had left. She just didn't seem that sick...

    Anyway, I have been trying to cope with all of that, and it has been hard, but as I said, I've been coping. Less then accepting, more then letting it rot me from the inside out. Though thoughts have come to my mind that have brought up feelings I thought I had already worked though.

    It's going to be my first Halloween without her. No one to look at my costume and tell me that it is cool or that it is good, and even tell me that it is cute, which kinda bugged me when she was alive but now I miss the thought of it so damn bad.

    It's going to be my first Thanksgiving without her. I won't have he sitting across the table, or joking about how spots obsessed my dad can get, or someone to ask me to help cook.

    It's going to by my first birthday without her in December, and I don't even know what would... excuse me, will, happen now that she's gone. My dad forgot my birthday last year, and my mom was the only one to tell me happy birthday that entire day (in real life. I thank my friends Jordan, Josh, Michael, and any others, and especially thank my boyfriend Tom) and I felt so great to have her there.

    And finally, and probably most heartbreaking, it's going to be my first Christmas without her. I just.... I can't even go into all the good memories and how I feel knowing that she's not going to be there anymore.

    Does anyone know where I'm coming from, or have any advice on what to do? I mean, I haven't even visited her grave, and I don't think I could ever bring myself to.

    Oh hun I know exactly what you're going through I lost my mom in January 2010 to lung cancer and I remember everything that happened that year as "________ without my mom".

    It's so damn hard. Christmas time without her, oh gosh, December is so close to January marking the day she died, and I spent my first Christmas without her crying in my room, I didn't even open my presents until a few days later. I was so heartbroken, and I still am.

    I'm crying a bit while writing this because losing a parent, especially at 16 (same age as myself when I lost my mom), is the HARDEST thing anyone can go through. Basically, any important event that happened I thought about how my mom was not there, especially at my HS graduation, I don't believe in religion or anything, but I do believe she was watching me from a better place.

    I want to let you know that if you need ANYONE to talk to, I'm here. Your mom is in a better place, maybe she's even hanging out with my mom and their cooking some rad food or something?! And grieving gets better as time goes on <3

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