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Thread: I have BPD and its killing me inside...

  1. #1
    CrinklySiren

    Default I have BPD and its killing me inside...

    I cant seem to find sense of anything, not even myself. Lately i havent been able to control my anger, I go into these intense fits of rage that i desperately try to control and i do manage to control it, but im so exhausted afterwards because of all the energy i used trying not to blow up and punch someone or myself in the face. Then I get into this intense depression where I lose motivation to do anything.. And then there are the incredibly powerful thoughts of abandonment, lonliness, emptiness, the idea that everyone is lying to me, and once ive gone through all this, i become completely numb and emotionless... For the last 2 weeks its been peaking, its been to the point where I am never happy... I cant handle this anymore, I made a friend of mine cry yesterday because of my anger and because of the idea I had in my head that she was lying to me.... Everyone tells me to go to a psychologist but I dont trust psychologists, especially not here in Miami... I feel like they're all going to judge me for being abdl and take things out of context and try to put things out of perspective.. because everyone here in miami is hispanic and old fashioned and I feel like NO ONE understands me ever... the feelings I get of people trying to control me are almost unbearable! I've exploded on my family and my wife and my closest friends because I begin to feel they are trying to control me and it makes me incredibly and uncontrollably furious... The worst part is that I feel like a puppet most of the time, watching all this happen without the ability to make it stop.. and I KNOW its BPD but even if I tell myself "its just the BPD" I get more and more angry/depressed/anxious/nervous etc... Im so scared my wife is going to leave me FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON, I have no reason to believe she is going to leave me yet thats how I feel!

    I feel the same way about my friends! I feel like they'r all trying to leave me and no matter what I do to hang onto them I keep feeling like im losing them slowly!!!

    Another murderous quality is that I am driving REALLY fast lately and have a very powerful desire to do Acid or Mushrooms or some crazy drug ive never done before, and then my friends dont let me because they think i will bad trip and BEING TOLD THIS makes me go crazy because of my feelings of people trying to control me! FUCK IM LOSING MY MIND!!!!! I dont know what to do and I want to kill myself so bad but I cant because of the feelings of guilt I have about leaving my wife and our dog (who is like a son to us, i know it sounds ridiculous, but I love our dog).

    Is there anyone who can offer me some kind of solace...

  2. #2

    Default

    Suicide is, as you have pointed out yourself, a quite terrible "solution". It's selfish and utterly ruthless toward your family and everyone that cares for you. The only thing you succeed in doing by taking your life is pushing all that's bothering you unto your loved ones instead, doesn't sound very fair, no? So yeah, suicide is not the way to go - as you have already realised yourself.

    EDIT: Apparently, all of the below is redundant. However, my point on suicide still stands.

    (But, good news is, there are pretty effecient ways of helping with bipolar disorder. I know you mention a certain stigma about talking to a profession about this, mainly because of the abdl-issue, but surely you don't have to tell them that? Even if so, they shouldn't really care about that if you're showing of symptoms of BPD. They are well educated, and they should be able to detect the issue fairly simply, and provide you with medication for it. Probably something lithium-based, those drugs are very good at evening out the mood swings, thus making your mood much more stable and most importantly - calm. I don't know if you have type 1 och type 2, but seriously, this is a very dangerous disorder - something that should be taken care of as fast as possible.

    You don't have to tell the psychologists anything that you don't want to. Explain how you're feeling, how big the mood swings are, how they make you feel and how they affect your way of life. Also, worrying about people leaving isn't a very good thing either, the truth is that they will probably just be even more concerned for you than before, rather than the contrary. If you keep imagining the worst of scenarios, the more are you setting up and preparing for them. This thinking is, as you've said it yourself, caused by the depressive periods - which they can help you with.

    So please, my advice is to go see a doctor about this and make sure that they prescribe the proper medication for it. They are trained to help, and their ethnicity shouldn't affect that in the slightest. Even the old-fashioned ones should see the issue for what it is and know how it can be treated. Just don't live with it, as chances are it might not get better by itself, especially when you keep getting these harmful trains of thought. Also, people caring for you is not the same as they trying to control you. If you don't want to go see a doctor, at the very least talk to a professional online or by phone. They are there to help out, and offer you good ideas.)

  3. #3
    CrinklySiren

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Crassi View Post
    Suicide is, as you have pointed out yourself, a quite terrible "solution". It's selfish and utterly ruthless toward your family and everyone that cares for you. The only thing you succeed in doing by taking your life is pushing all that's bothering you unto your loved ones instead, doesn't sound very fair, no? So yeah, suicide is not the way to go - as you have already realised yourself.

    But, good news is, there are pretty effecient ways of helping with bipolar disorder. I know you mention a certain stigma about talking to a profession about this, mainly because of the abdl-issue, but surely you don't have to tell them that? Even if so, they shouldn't really care about that if you're showing of symptoms of BPD. They are well educated, and they should be able to detect the issue fairly simply, and provide you with medication for it. Probably something lithium-based, those drugs are very good at evening out the mood swings, thus making your mood much more stable and most importantly - calm. I don't know if you have type 1 och type 2, but seriously, this is a very dangerous disorder - something that should be taken care of as fast as possible.

    You don't have to tell the psychologists anything that you don't want to. Explain how you're feeling, how big the mood swings are, how they make you feel and how they affect your way of life. Also, worrying about people leaving isn't a very good thing either, the truth is that they will probably just be even more concerned for you than before, rather than the contrary. If you keep imagining the worst of scenarios, the more are you setting up and preparing for them. This thinking is, as you've said it yourself, caused by the depressive periods - which they can help you with.

    So please, my advice is to go see a doctor about this and make sure that they prescribe the proper medication for it. They are trained to help, and their ethnicity shouldn't affect that in the slightest. Even the old-fashioned ones should see the issue for what it is and know how it can be treated. Just don't live with it, as chances are it might not get better by itself, especially when you keep getting these harmful trains of thought. Also, people caring for you is not the same as they trying to control you. If you don't want to go see a doctor, at the very least talk to a professional online or by phone. They are there to help out, and offer you good ideas.
    BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder not Bi-Polar Disorder

    http://www.casapalmera.com/articles/...lity-disorder/

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by 1ObsoleteBaby View Post
    BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder not Bi-Polar Disorder
    Aye, I apologise. Pretty bad assumption from me, to think that BPD could stand for Bi-Polar Disorder. I retract most of my earlier statement

  5. #5
    CrinklySiren

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Crassi View Post
    Aye, I apologise. Pretty bad assumption from me, to think that BPD could stand for Bi-Polar Disorder. I retract most of my earlier statement
    It's alright, I probably should've expected that it would be misconceived, they do share the same letters :P Bi-Polar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder.

  6. #6

    Default

    if i may ask without upsetting you;
    is BPD an official that a Doctor has given you? or is it what you believe that you have....
    my other question is about "everyone lying to you".... what is it that makes you think and or believe that...?

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by 1ObsoleteBaby View Post
    Is there anyone who can offer me some kind of solace...

    I would strongly suggest that you see a doctor or psychologist for a number of reasons.

    -You could have BPD but reading your post I was just as inclined to think it was bi-polar. Only a professional can truly diagnose. It might even be both or something else entirely.

    -BPD is a Axis 2 Personality disorder, meaning it doesn't respond well to pharmaceutical treatment, therefore a therapist/psychologist is the only real form of treatment available.

    -It's better to get treatment now then wait and risk breaking relationships, ending jobs, and having havoc in your life.

    -Psychologists are trained to treat in a multi-cultural context. No matter the gender, the race therapists are able to discuss any problem.

    -Your being ABDL is not a subject of interest for a therapist, unless you want it to be. So don't worry about that.

    Any more questions, please ask them

  8. #8
    CrinklySiren

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by littlelodgewrecker View Post
    if i may ask without upsetting you;
    is BPD an official that a Doctor has given you? or is it what you believe that you have....
    my other question is about "everyone lying to you".... what is it that makes you think and or believe that...?
    I dont know why i get this idea, every time i dont get responded to by friends through texts or messages or phone calls, i start believing they're trying to avoid me, and then when they do hang out or respond, due to the previous incident i will believe its all a lie just to keep me from getting upset, i dont know why this happens, but ive tried telling myself "calm down, you're just getting worked up." its very difficult though

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by Becute View Post
    I would strongly suggest that you see a doctor or psychologist for a number of reasons.

    -You could have BPD but reading your post I was just as inclined to think it was bi-polar. Only a professional can truly diagnose. It might even be both or something else entirely.

    -BPD is a Axis 2 Personality disorder, meaning it doesn't respond well to pharmaceutical treatment, therefore a therapist/psychologist is the only real form of treatment available.

    -It's better to get treatment now then wait and risk breaking relationships, ending jobs, and having havoc in your life.

    -Psychologists are trained to treat in a multi-cultural context. No matter the gender, the race therapists are able to discuss any problem.

    -Your being ABDL is not a subject of interest for a therapist, unless you want it to be. So don't worry about that.

    Any more questions, please ask them
    1. No im not bi-polar, firstly because i would know if I was, and secondly, i wouldve been diagnosed as bi-polar, which I wasnt. I have a friend (or had) who is bi-polar, and I can assure you that I am nothing like that, and even if i wasnt diagnosed, my friends and family alone could tell you how 'not' bi-polar I am.

    2. im aware of this and thats why I feel trapped, I dont trust therapists because all they have ever done was fuck up my life from the beginning. That means that i've been to many by the way.

    3. Ive had control over it most of my life, but lately its been peaking, and its not my job im worried about as much as I am worried about my feelings of emptiness.... I feel empty almost ALL the time, and when I'm alone I feel like I dont even exist and I cant even get the energy or motivation to fall asleep. I just want this feeling of emptiness and loneliness to go away, I wanna be able to see myself somewhere good in the future because as of right now I see nothing but a cloud of fog.

    4. Due to the previously mentioned fact that every psychologist ive ever been to in miami has been a terrible psychologist and hispanic AND old fashioned AND incorporating religion into it (Im an atheist), AND being hispanic myself living in a city surrounded by arrogant hispanics that come from MY very own country, you cant blame me for my apprehension... Miami is a PLAGUE on the state of FL, and Im not saying this to be racist, im saying this from personal experience of being hispanic and being surrounded by them for 23 years. Im sure there are some that are good people (like my friends), but as far as psychological professionals, unlikely seeing as all they ever care about is me filling out a form and then prescribing me some bullshit medication that doesnt even work. Im sorry if i sound very arrogant or ignorant, but i cannot begin to describe to you what this god forsaken city does to good people >_<

    5. My being ABDL is trigger for part of my sadness, im not going to get into why because its a long story, but I will say that A. Im not gonna stop being an ABDL because stopping or "toning down" wont make a difference as it has nothing to do with excess or deprivation as much as it is about sheer loneliness and B. My abdl side is VERY important to me and one of the biggest things that makes me who I am today, its not a fetish for me, its a lifestyle or an emotional support beam that makes me the person I am. Without it, I can guarantee you that I would just be an insufferable asshole.


    Im sorry if I sound irritable, i only slept 2 hours last night and ive been up since 4:40AM for work -__- I appreciate everyones consideration

  9. #9

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    You remind me alot of myself. I have alot of anger. I will not call it anger problems or issues because it is not for me.
    I am full of rage most of the time. I am so used to this that when I'm not angry, theres a state of nothingness. I feel casterated and depressed when I'm not angry.
    I have been so full of it for so long that it has come to the point where I except it and thrive on it. Before I made my peace with it, I tried venting it so many times. I have talked about things in my past with my wife until I end up crying and yet it always comes back. If it comes down to you needing to calm down before you do something terrible, think of something silly that will always make you laugh. It might not make it all go away, but it might also take it down a few notches and help you keep you from fully indulging in it.

    If you have demons in your life (anger problems) and you make peace with them. Then at some point, they become your angels.

    I also have issues with trust. It has caused me some problems and is really bothersome at times. Sometimes, you grow up getting the shaft so often and you begin to believe its the norm and its what everyone will do to you given the chance. Its something I and maybe you cannot help.

    As far as taking hallucinogenic drugs goes, I most certainly wouldn't do them, especially if I were feeling emotionally unstable at that time. Also, I do not promote drug abuse, but acknowledge the value of proper and balanced self medication. I have used Marijuana for medical reasons throughout the largest part of my life. Most recent example would be coming home from Iraq. I couldn't sleep at night, really wasn't adjusting well to being back in America. I smoked very small and regulated amounts of it before bed and I stopped having nightmares and was able to rest while getting adjusting to being somewhere safe at night. I am by no means promoting drug abuse. Self medication has worked for me but results are not typical, and I have been studying pharmacology as well as bio-kinetics for many many years now.

  10. #10

    Default

    I have been diagnosed with BPD too. Although some of my problems are quite different from yours, I can relate to the feelings of isolation and the overwhelming emotions you describe.

    Finding a therapist you can trust is both really difficult and a really important step. Have you ever tried Dialectic Behaviour Therapy? It's a therapy developed by a therapist who worked with people with BPD for a long time, and who came up with DBT as the most helpful way to deal with problems. I've done several years of DBT and while it can't help with everything, it is good at helping you deal with your life and regulate your emotions more easily. Unlike other forms of therapy, it offers solutions right away. It can be a good thing to try if you haven't had much luck with therapy. It's not always availible everywhere, but there are lots of DBT resources availible in both book form and online, and it might be worth checking them out to see if they would help. If you've already tried DBT then I'm sorry to bore you by going on about it again!

    Secondly, I recognise how frustrating it can be to talk to therapists who don't listen to you and you don't feel like you can get along with. It's completely OK to be really upfront with a therapist about whether or not you think they can help you and to tell them what your needs are. You should be able to have an initial conversation with them either over the phone or in person free of charge to see if you think you can work together, and you can be completely frank with them, say things like "I am an atheist, I don't want you to bring religion into our therapy, would that be a problem for you?" I've personally never felt the need to talk to any therapist about ABDL, but you should be able to talk to therapists about things that are important to you, and I think a good therapist should be able to listen and understand this. There are some BDSM websites that list kink-friendly therapists (unfortunately I only know about ones in the UK), and possibly there's something like that where you are? Obviously BDSM and ABDL aren't the same things, but a therapist who is at least aware of kink might be better for you.

    I know it can be a struggle to find a therapist who can help you. In the mean time, checking out some books or websites about DBT might be helpful. There's also communities online for people with mental health problems, which might help you feel less alone. For example, I like to use recoveryourlife.com. Are you on any medication? Do you have a doctor you can talk to about these things? While medication probably wouldn't be a complete solution for BPD, things like anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds can improve things a bit.

    I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

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