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Thread: The state of my marriage.

  1. #1

    Default The state of my marriage.

    A number of people on here have not just been incredibly supportive, but have also requested that I keep everyone up to date on what's happening with my marriage. First, however, I need to give a really big shout out to everybody who has been here for me the last couple weeks since I joined the site. The amount of support has been incredible and my life is infinitely better for it.

    This post is not just an update on my marriage, but also on my latest counseling session (my first since I came out as DL to my therapist) and the internal changes that have been happening for me.

    Perhaps it is that last part that is the most important, actually. Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop typing this out because I am feeling something that I don't recall ever having felt before in my life- a need to connect to people, a need to be comforted by others. For the first time in my life I truly feel lonely. Maybe for everyone else out there on ADISC that is a familiar feeling, but for me, it's so unfamiliar that it took me an entire day to see it for what it is. I have spent my entire life trying to hide, to keep this huge secret. I never wanted to connect to anybody because you can't do that and hide at the same time.

    But now I am no longer hiding. I have a friend, and ally, in my therapist. I have you guys, anonymous as you may be, who are reading this. Very suddenly, in a matter of a few weeks, I am no longer hiding. Yes, my husband doesn't know and I intend for him to never find out, but it's no longer a secret that I am trying to keep from the world. And now that I am no longer trying to hide from the world, I have discovered that I am very, very lonely.

    As for this week's therapy session, it was one of the most difficult conversations of my life. Finally it has become possible for me to talk to someone about what has been haunting me all this time, which means that I actually had to talk about it. At first I still couldn't say it out loud, so he changed directions and started asking me about my relationship. It was at that point that I told him my desire to get out, which he seemed happy to hear. Upon reflection I think that he has wanted me to get out for a long time, but I just wasn't ready or able to think about leaving him, and he wasn't going to push the issue.

    That being said, we are back to more reflection and internal turmoil. I have finally come to realize that this relationship is emotionally abusive. I think many of you out there have already noticed that fact- some have even come out and said so- but it has taken me a while to get there myself. To acknowledge and accept this fact has been incredibly hard for me. I am feeling a lot of self-blame right now. I keep wondering how I managed to get myself into this situation, why I have let it go on for so long, how I could have been so blind to what has been going on, and mostly why did I let him treat me this way? And to top it off, I came to this realization today, with five days until my next therapy appointment and thus no one to talk to about this.

    Getting back to that therapy appointment, we did eventually talk about diapers. It was incredibly hard talking about them. To actually say "diaper" out loud was terribly foreign. After some time I did start to feel desensitized to saying it. I was able to talk with him about how this all started and what happened at 12 with my crazy former therapist who caused me to try to repress all sexual feelings. We talked about the ramifications of me trying to repress my sexuality and the tangled mess that it created. I did end up feeling panicked and had to stop the conversation, but not because of the diapers, interestingly enough. It was everything *else* that gets me off that I couldn't talk about.

    At that point he spent a good fifteen minutes calming me down by telling me that it's okay to like diapers, that it is innocent, harms no one, that there is nothing wrong with me (well, other than the tangled mess I created by trying to repress my sexuality, which he said will largely unravel itself and also that we will keep working on it together.) Really, it was everything that everyone on here has said to me, but it was someone real, sitting a few feet from me, telling me that I'm okay just the way I am. For fifteen minutes. I'd like to say it was wonderful, but it wasn't. It was difficult. For the first time I had a truly safe space where I could feel my own fears, prejudices, and shame. Every time he told me that it's perfectly okay to have a diaper fetish, it made room for more of my own self-hatred to come bubbling up. Then he'd calm me down again, and more would surface.

    Overall, the last few days have left me feeling raw. I feel scared and lonely and uncertain. I also feel more like myself. The tangled web I have woven is coming undone and somewhere in there I can see the self that was there before this mess came to be.

  2. #2

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    I know where you are, and you need to know you are not alone. Please realize that there are so many of us here and we are all alike in so many ways and many of us get lonely. It is a hard thing to cope with but who we are is ok. I wish I had more time right now, but I really have to run. You are cared about. PM me is you ever need to talk. Take care.

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by CycleChick View Post
    A number of people on here have not just been incredibly supportive, but have also requested that I keep everyone up to date on what's happening with my marriage. First, however, I need to give a really big shout out to everybody who has been here for me the last couple weeks since I joined the site. The amount of support has been incredible and my life is infinitely better for it.

    This post is not just an update on my marriage, but also on my latest counseling session (my first since I came out as DL to my therapist) and the internal changes that have been happening for me.

    Perhaps it is that last part that is the most important, actually. Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop typing this out because I am feeling something that I don't recall ever having felt before in my life- a need to connect to people, a need to be comforted by others. For the first time in my life I truly feel lonely. Maybe for everyone else out there on ADISC that is a familiar feeling, but for me, it's so unfamiliar that it took me an entire day to see it for what it is. I have spent my entire life trying to hide, to keep this huge secret. I never wanted to connect to anybody because you can't do that and hide at the same time.

    But now I am no longer hiding. I have a friend, and ally, in my therapist. I have you guys, anonymous as you may be, who are reading this. Very suddenly, in a matter of a few weeks, I am no longer hiding. Yes, my husband doesn't know and I intend for him to never find out, but it's no longer a secret that I am trying to keep from the world. And now that I am no longer trying to hide from the world, I have discovered that I am very, very lonely.

    As for this week's therapy session, it was one of the most difficult conversations of my life. Finally it has become possible for me to talk to someone about what has been haunting me all this time, which means that I actually had to talk about it. At first I still couldn't say it out loud, so he changed directions and started asking me about my relationship. It was at that point that I told him my desire to get out, which he seemed happy to hear. Upon reflection I think that he has wanted me to get out for a long time, but I just wasn't ready or able to think about leaving him, and he wasn't going to push the issue.

    That being said, we are back to more reflection and internal turmoil. I have finally come to realize that this relationship is emotionally abusive. I think many of you out there have already noticed that fact- some have even come out and said so- but it has taken me a while to get there myself. To acknowledge and accept this fact has been incredibly hard for me. I am feeling a lot of self-blame right now. I keep wondering how I managed to get myself into this situation, why I have let it go on for so long, how I could have been so blind to what has been going on, and mostly why did I let him treat me this way? And to top it off, I came to this realization today, with five days until my next therapy appointment and thus no one to talk to about this.

    Getting back to that therapy appointment, we did eventually talk about diapers. It was incredibly hard talking about them. To actually say "diaper" out loud was terribly foreign. After some time I did start to feel desensitized to saying it. I was able to talk with him about how this all started and what happened at 12 with my crazy former therapist who caused me to try to repress all sexual feelings. We talked about the ramifications of me trying to repress my sexuality and the tangled mess that it created. I did end up feeling panicked and had to stop the conversation, but not because of the diapers, interestingly enough. It was everything *else* that gets me off that I couldn't talk about.

    At that point he spent a good fifteen minutes calming me down by telling me that it's okay to like diapers, that it is innocent, harms no one, that there is nothing wrong with me (well, other than the tangled mess I created by trying to repress my sexuality, which he said will largely unravel itself and also that we will keep working on it together.) Really, it was everything that everyone on here has said to me, but it was someone real, sitting a few feet from me, telling me that I'm okay just the way I am. For fifteen minutes. I'd like to say it was wonderful, but it wasn't. It was difficult. For the first time I had a truly safe space where I could feel my own fears, prejudices, and shame. Every time he told me that it's perfectly okay to have a diaper fetish, it made room for more of my own self-hatred to come bubbling up. Then he'd calm me down again, and more would surface.

    Overall, the last few days have left me feeling raw. I feel scared and lonely and uncertain. I also feel more like myself. The tangled web I have woven is coming undone and somewhere in there I can see the self that was there before this mess came to be.
    My wife was in an abusive relationship too, before she was with me, and the dude was abusive day one. Don't feel guilty about not leaving sooner because everyone in your situation has been through the "...I'm okay with it ... ," "...It shows how much I love him(her)...," "... cast it off as Stockholm syndrome ...." You made an excellent first step by recognizing that you do not deserve to be abused. There are people everywhere who will not abuse you. We are always there for you.

    If it makes you feel any better, I admire that you learned that there are others like yourself at a far younger age than I had. It wasn't until 9 months ago that I discoverred there were others like me. You made a great first step in that regards too.

    I hope and pray all goes well for you.

    From,
    One of your many friends in this global community,
    HokieABDL.

    PM me anytime.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by CycleChick View Post
    For the first time in my life I truly feel lonely. Maybe for everyone else out there on ADISC that is a familiar feeling, but for me, it's so unfamiliar that it took me an entire day to see it for what it is. I have spent my entire life trying to hide, to keep this huge secret. I never wanted to connect to anybody because you can't do that and hide at the same time.
    I've been where you are and have both tried to make friends and utilized counseling to cope. The most valueable concept I can introduce here is, "being alone is not the same as being lonley." Making use of this site is cathartic but true tranquility comes from within. Find and accept yourself and your interactions with others become an enhancement rather than a necessity.

  5. #5

    Default

    I think that once you can identify the problem, you can then work on the solution. Your next step will be to find economic independence. I'm sure there are agencies that can help you. Here in Lynchburg, VA, there are inexpensive apartments, though finding a descent paying job can be difficult. I'm sure your therapist will help you with these many choices which lie before you. Further education might be a start, but getting out of the abusive relationship must come soon. You can't keep pumping poison into your system without harming yourself.

  6. #6

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    Dogboy- I am working on finding a job. I've got a close-knit group of cycling friends who are helping me find employment, one of whom has told me about openings coming up at his company and is trying to get me in there. I've got a support network for that, but it will take time. Unemployment is high in my county and unfortunately the cost of living here is absurd. It will take time, but it will happen. I have an education, but I am part of "generation screwed" where the economy went boom right after I graduated, so I haven't been able to start a real career yet. More education at this point will only do what it has done for my friends- give me more debt and no job so that I'd have to move back in with my parents. Not a situation I can go with because I think it'd be worse for me than staying in this marriage.

  7. #7

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    *Rings the doorbell*
    *Knock knock knock*

    Hi CycleChick i read your posts now and am curious to know how you are doing.

    Did you land a job?

  8. #8

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    No, I have not landed a job yet. Not even an interview. I've been largely applying to our local university because once you are in the system it is easy to move around and up and it has great benefits. It unfortunately takes a while to get into the system.

    Other than that, I have been having a really hard time. Last week's therapy session was incredibly difficult for me. Normally therapy is hard, but afterward I go distract myself and time makes things feel a little better. But last week's session left me feeling totally freaked out. Processing emotions is hard for me usually, but never before was it *this* hard. I completely flipped out and couldn't calm myself down. I ended up engaging in some very self-destructive behaviors, which is why I haven't been posting as much since then. This week in therapy we worked on breathing exercises and coping strategies. He said it's not unexpected for someone in my situation to temporarily have a harder time once everything starts bubbling to the surface from not actively being repressed. I've been thinking of writing a post about it, but I didn't want to freak people out.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by CycleChick View Post
    No, I have not landed a job yet. Not even an interview. I've been largely applying to our local university because once you are in the system it is easy to move around and up and it has great benefits. It unfortunately takes a while to get into the system.

    Other than that, I have been having a really hard time. Last week's therapy session was incredibly difficult for me. Normally therapy is hard, but afterward I go distract myself and time makes things feel a little better. But last week's session left me feeling totally freaked out. Processing emotions is hard for me usually, but never before was it *this* hard. I completely flipped out and couldn't calm myself down. I ended up engaging in some very self-destructive behaviors, which is why I haven't been posting as much since then. This week in therapy we worked on breathing exercises and coping strategies. He said it's not unexpected for someone in my situation to temporarily have a harder time once everything starts bubbling to the surface from not actively being repressed. I've been thinking of writing a post about it, but I didn't want to freak people out.
    I think you should write a post about it, it might help you get it some of it out of your system and organize your thoughts. I know you are feeling unhappy right now, but if you've decided that your relationship with your husband is really over, you may want to see about staying with someone else, a friend, family member-- someone. It might be better to get that kind of thing over with now, than freshly into a new job where an ending relationship might cause problems. It not just thinking about you preventing problems down the line, but maybe trying to simplify things a bit.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sumomoko View Post
    I think you should write a post about it, it might help you get it some of it out of your system and organize your thoughts.
    I have been thinking about it, but since this site is supposed to be kept PG13 and because I don't want to condone my recent behaviors, I have been hesitant to write about it. I don't want to accidentally encourage anyone to harm themselves the way I have.

    As for getting out right now, I can't. I have family around, but they have issues of their own that would take over my life more than my marriage currently is. I don't have anywhere to go, so here I must stay.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Okay guys, wrote a new post. Kinda long, but I hope it is illuminating.

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