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Thread: I don't want to accept that I love to act as a toddler.

  1. #1

    Unhappy I don't want to accept that I love to act as a toddler.

    I have read some of the similar threads to this matter and I'm just not finding or seeing any possible happiness in this.

    I'm afraid to face this. I already spent 20 years of my life coming to terms with myself with being Transgender and bi, and its taken a lot of courage for me to live the life I live. Being bisexual alone is a hard enough characteristic to live with. Then to be Transgender on top of it.

    I finally learned to love myself a few months ago, when I had my diaper attraction deeply repressed. I don't care that people know I'm transgender, because what they think of it is their business not mine. But as hard as I try I cannot bring myself to accept myself as a diaper lover. and I think it is because it is not as accepted as being transgender is. I was able to accept myself as trans and bi so easily because I live in the LGBT center of the town I live in. I live in a very democratic liberal town, so things of that nature are common and widely accepted. But even in this community of "Circus lifestyles" I find myself apprehensive and shameful about my attraction towards diapers, and role-playing as a four year old daughter.

    I try to convince myself everyday, that I don't have to embrace this part of me. I could live perfectly happy without ever wearing a diaper. I'm pretty, I'm intelligent, (a bit full of myself sometimes), and people around me accept me as the woman I've always been inside. And yet, it is an eery conversation I have with myself, because I once had the same debates with myself about being transgender.

    Deep down I know I will have to accept it one day but, I'm just not sure where I could find the confidence to walk down the street with a pull-up on. The most I do is I now sleep with yoga pants and the generic Depends that my local retailer has. That makes me so happy. And all I can fantasize about is finding a man or woman to love me like that. Someone who wouldn't mind role-playing with me.

    There is one more added factor to it all, I suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder. So how do I know this isn't just one of my personalities? Even if it is though, the key to my disorder is to merge all personalities into one. THe way my brain is set up, I can never get rid of personalities, I can only merge them. And even when they are all merged, my brain is designed to create new personalities, something I will deal with for the rest of my life. SO in essence, I cannot get rid of this diaper loving part of me, this part of me that wants to role-play. It will always be a part of me. I just don't know how to accept it and merge it into myself.

  2. #2

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    I can't comment on your multiple personality disorder and how to deal with that, it's not something I have to deal with and it sounds like that is the sort of thing you would want to consult a psychologist about.

    As far as accepting your AB side, I think that's something that everyone has gone through here and it sounds like something you've gone through in a similar vein. Remind yourself that it isn't hurting anyone and it's not destructive. It is embarrassing, and it puts you in a position of weakness if people like co-workers were to find out. Its fine to have something you like that you don't care to discuss in public however. If you like wearing diapers at home and it makes you happy, there's absolutely no problem with that. Concern about finding a partner is common as well, but I know quite a few people who managed to find people outside the community who were willing to accept that side of themselves and would even indulge them. Ultimately in my opinion while you might be happier in your head denying this part of you, it's always something that has nagged at me if I did deny it, so if you can find ways to satisfy this side of you and keep a normal life otherwise then you have the best of both worlds.

    Wearing in public isn't as scary as it might seem initially, it's kind of like when you're a teenager and you feel like everyone is noticing everything you do, when in reality people have their own lives to worry about. Especially for something like a pull up, so long as what you're wearing makes minimal noise no one will even suspect you're wearing absorbent undergarments, even then people aren't starting with the assumption that you're wearing a diaper, really unless your diaper stinks (which should be taken care of swiftly anyway) I don't think anyone will jump to that conclusion or bother drawing any conclusion at all.

    In general you've come to the right place. Tips on wearing, brands to wear, and general discussions to help you see that you're far from the only person who likes this can be found here. I would like to post the friendly reminder that ADISC is not a dating site, but that's not to say that relationships don't spring up here naturally, and if you do meet someone who doesn't know about your AB side, there are plenty of topics full of friendly advice on how to let someone know.

  3. #3

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    Thank you.

    I have been seeing psychologists and psychiatrists since I was fourteen, I still see three weekly. (Two psychologists and one psychiatrist).
    Unfortunately I'm so ashamed that even only one psychologist knows about my attraction to diapers. She thinks I am dealing with regression, and I agree with her.
    If that is the case, is this just a stage of regression that could be overcome? or is it truly a part of me? or both? (Note my denial)

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mere View Post
    I have read some of the similar threads to this matter and I'm just not finding or seeing any possible happiness in this.

    I'm afraid to face this. I already spent 20 years of my life coming to terms with myself with being Transgender and bi, and its taken a lot of courage for me to live the life I live. Being bisexual alone is a hard enough characteristic to live with. Then to be Transgender on top of it.

    I finally learned to love myself a few months ago, when I had my diaper attraction deeply repressed. I don't care that people know I'm transgender, because what they think of it is their business not mine. But as hard as I try I cannot bring myself to accept myself as a diaper lover. and I think it is because it is not as accepted as being transgender is. I was able to accept myself as trans and bi so easily because I live in the LGBT center of the town I live in. I live in a very democratic liberal town, so things of that nature are common and widely accepted. But even in this community of "Circus lifestyles" I find myself apprehensive and shameful about my attraction towards diapers, and role-playing as a four year old daughter.

    I try to convince myself everyday, that I don't have to embrace this part of me. I could live perfectly happy without ever wearing a diaper. I'm pretty, I'm intelligent, (a bit full of myself sometimes), and people around me accept me as the woman I've always been inside. And yet, it is an eery conversation I have with myself, because I once had the same debates with myself about being transgender.

    Deep down I know I will have to accept it one day but, I'm just not sure where I could find the confidence to walk down the street with a pull-up on. The most I do is I now sleep with yoga pants and the generic Depends that my local retailer has. That makes me so happy. And all I can fantasize about is finding a man or woman to love me like that. Someone who wouldn't mind role-playing with me.

    There is one more added factor to it all, I suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder. So how do I know this isn't just one of my personalities? Even if it is though, the key to my disorder is to merge all personalities into one. THe way my brain is set up, I can never get rid of personalities, I can only merge them. And even when they are all merged, my brain is designed to create new personalities, something I will deal with for the rest of my life. SO in essence, I cannot get rid of this diaper loving part of me, this part of me that wants to role-play. It will always be a part of me. I just don't know how to accept it and merge it into myself.
    greeting, Mere;
    and welcome the "club".... and i do mean that ever so literally....

    i to live near a big city just chuck full of folks like us; that is you and yours truly.... tranny's. isn't life grand. and too, like you i am also possessed of a few too many internal friends.... so i fully understand your little dilemma. as they say; been there, and done that....

    i will tell you something that i have never told anyone else on ADISC.... and i will share it because you have been so honest and open as you have. the gift of dissociation permits folks such as you and i to compartmentalize those of our "inner-children" who like to wear diapers... it takes a bit of work, but with time and effort it can be done if that is really what you wish as the "dominant personality" to do with your misbehaving little-ones. of course, you will lose what ever it is that is their contribution toward your whole collective personality complex in this process....

    the other choice is that as a totally passable transgender or transexual person, you may find that a male spouse (or formerly male) may have a "thing" for seeing you in diapers once in a while.... my SO does... even though i don't really like to wear them at this point in my life.... (several decades post-op & a bit IC..).

    so i hope that this helps you just a bit. please don't hesitate to ask what ever you wish......

    lodge wrecker.....

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by littlelodgewrecker View Post
    i will tell you something that i have never told anyone else on ADISC.... and i will share it because you have been so honest and open as you have. the gift of dissociation permits folks such as you and i to compartmentalize those of our "inner-children" who like to wear diapers... it takes a bit of work, but with time and effort it can be done if that is really what you wish as the "dominant personality" to do with your misbehaving little-ones. of course, you will lose what ever it is that is their contribution toward your whole collective personality complex in this process....
    I have recently been discovering my minds ability to compartmentalize itself. I noticed this when I realized that when I tried to remember thing I did in other personalities, it would be extremely blurry. For example if I have a conversation on the phone in personality A, then when I am in personality B I will remember that I had a phone conversation but, I won't remember anything about the call other than it was a phone call, it is similar to remembering a vague dream. It won't be until I'm back in personality A that I can recall who the call was to, every sentence that was said between us, and how long the call was.

    As far as compartmentalizing my diaper loving self, that is self repression, and as much as I'd love to not love diapers, eventually (in order to be 100% complete in Mind body and soul) I will have to accept this part of me. Right now I'm just really scared to do so. I'm not courageous enough to accept it right now but, I'm not coward enough to put my energy into repressing it.
    Last edited by Trevor; 12-Sep-2012 at 17:01. Reason: removing auto-merged duplicate post.

  6. #6

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    it isn't necessary being chicken to hide personalities.....
    it just depends on how many it is that you have, and therefor how many that you can "stuff" as it were.....

    i am a "poly-fragment" meaning that for me to stuff a few personalities is nothing. there are very many more where they came from.
    if i lose a few, then i just have better control for a while. and that is always better..... for me there is no such thing as "re-combining"... it was tried years ago.

  7. #7

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    I'm not poly fragmented I think. I have a handful of personality's, but all of them are very distinct from each other. Some blend in quite well and I cannot identify them but, they all have their character traits.

  8. #8

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mere View Post
    If that is the case, is this just a stage of regression that could be overcome? or is it truly a part of me? or both? (Note my denial)
    Mileage may vary depending on the person, but I've never really seen someone "overcome" their ABism. I wouldn't think of it this way. I often phrase it in my mind that I'll keep caring for that side of me as long as it exists, and if I do get bored of it or that side decides to grow up I'll move on, but it hasn't yet and I doubt it ever will.

    I wouldn't be ashamed of admitting your interest to your other psychologists, I've never seen a psychologist myself although I would like to talk to a psychologist about this some day. From what I understand it is an uncommon but known mental condition. All the literature I've read on psychological data for infantalism views it as mostly benign, so long as it doesn't start effecting the other areas of your life. i.e. you stop wanting to go to work so you can play baby all day.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mere View Post
    Deep down I know I will have to accept it one day but, I'm just not sure where I could find the confidence to walk down the street with a pull-up on. The most I do is I now sleep with yoga pants and the generic Depends that my local retailer has. That makes me so happy. And all I can fantasize about is finding a man or woman to love me like that. Someone who wouldn't mind role-playing with me.
    And you don't ever have to walk down the street while wearing diapers, you can be a DL or an AB and you only have to do the things that you feel comfortable doing. Not all DLs use their diapers and they don't all wear for sexual reasons, when it comes to ABs we don't all have to suck our thumbs/pacis or wear all the same baby clothes etc. We're all unique and all have our own fantasies and if you do accept that you have a toddler side you only have to do what you want, it is perfectly possible to find a partner who will join you in role-playing and while diapers may make it more difficult it certainly does not make it impossible. You're 20 and have a lot of things to come to terms with but you still have about 50 years+ to do all that, it always seems difficult when something is new to you but as you grow up and become more sure of who and what you are you can incorporate this into your life in a way and time that suits you.

    A therapist would be a good person to talk to, they're paid to listen and to help you and sometimes having good advice from a professional is a great thing to have. Don't panic about doing everything now, just keep on going as you are and eventually you'll realise what you want and it should all slot into place.

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