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Thread: Marriage and being outed.

  1. #1

    Question Marriage and being outed.

    Something happened in my life last night that has shed a great deal of light on my fear of telling my husband I am DL.

    For those of you who don't know, I have been married for nearly 4 years now, but did not know I was DL until 7 months ago. This happened as a result of a traumatic therapy experience when I was 12 that led to me repressing a great deal of my sexuality and being in denial about that which I could not repress. I finally came out to my therapist as DL 2 weeks ago, but my husband still does not know.

    I have had a great deal of anxiety surrounding my husband knowing I am DL. I had thought that it was because I knew how much he hates diapers. He had an ex who he broke up with when he found out she was AB, but now I realize that wasn't the big issue. The issue is that he, to this day, continues to talk about her and insult her to friends and family. Luckily for her none of these people are people she ever knew and so she is not outed in her own real life, but this behavior of his, this not showing any respect for the fact that this is HER information to share, is what worries me.

    Then there is what happened last night that made me worry even more. We were at game night playing Cards Against Humanity (a depraved version of Apples to Apples) that prompted a lot of rather explicit discussions. He "accidentally" let the whole group know about the fact that I have had a genital piercing. While this isn't something that is particularly a secret, it also isn't information I readily share and it most certainly wasn't his information to share.

    He claims it was an accident, but it just doesn't even matter (Besides, how in the world do you accidentally talk about someone else's genital piercing?!?!?!) This is exactly the reason that I feel like I should never tell him. I fear he would out me when I least expect it, that he has no sense of understanding why this type of information about a partner should be protected, not used to humor a group of friends.

    I am still extremely angry with him for this. I am now even more adamant that I never tell him I am DL, even if I come across as a jerk by divorcing him with no apparent reason. My therapist (who I haven't seen since I came out to him two weeks ago because he is on vacation) think that I should tell my husband. But to me it just seems too risky.

    Am I being rational? Is it okay to be mad at him still? Do I have an obligation to tell him I am DL? I feel like I don't, but I also wonder if I am reacting out of irrational fear and over-protectiveness of myself. What do you guys think?

  2. #2

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    I don't think it's unreasonable to be anxious about telling your husband, period, all the more so given that he already has a bad taste in mouth about ABDLs from his previous marriage and given that he seems to have a loose tongue. The decision to come out is always a difficult, weighty matter that deserves the utmost consideration.

    One question I have is: did you tell your therapist about your apprehensions? That makes a good bit of difference regarding her opinion that you should tell your husband. Since your therapist probably knows more about both you and your husband than anyone here, I'm given to trust her opinion.

    Whatever you decide, how and when you tell your husband is just as important a question as whether to tell him. It's probably something you should ease him into, although it may (or may not!) be fortunate for you his ex has already broken the ice about the matter. It could mean that there's a lot less explaining to do; it could also mean that he has a lot of baggage attached to ABDLism. It might help you out if you find out more about how he processed that and what he took away from it.

    It might also be helpful to wait until you better understand what your needs as an ABDL are, that way you'll be able to clearly let him know what you want from him in the way of participation. If you're really new to the scene, it can't hurt to experiment around on your own first and sort things out. Generally, I think the more context you can provide when you describe and explain your desires, the easier it is for someone to wrap their mind around what you're feeling. Being able to say, "I like diapers because they make me feel x, y, and z, and because they connect me back to such-and-such a time and such-and-such feelings," makes it much more approachable than just saying, "I like diapers and want to be babied."

    Hope that helps. This is a really tough decision, and I wish you the best as you consider your options.

  3. #3

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    i just read what you said in another thread; i think that you know full well what your husband will do if you confide/trust in him. you will note the two terms i used.... confide and trust.... in other words, you can't. and to be married to a man whom you know this to be the truth about; and it is you who is saying that it is so; well, having been married... it just doesn't begin to work without these two very basic things.... you are trying to be honest, but can't because of him....
    get your "power" back in your own hands.... then if you should want to negotiate, do so from a position of strength.

  4. #4

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    CC, it was told to me once by my own therapist, to pick your battles wisely (as Im sure your therapist also suggests). In my thoughts you have already decided how the discussion with your husband will go....and I more or less agree that it will end up with proving how much of a ignoramus he is, and might eventually lead to the wedge being even more driven into an already cracking relationship. Let the sleeping dog lie, and just keep your lips zipped. As far as still being pissed about him over the peircing, I would be mad until he realizes his lesson. If he says he learned his lesson, ask him "gee, what exactly was it you learned ??" The fact that he goes on and on and on about his ex, tells me that he may know the lesson learned, but not interested in applying it. Sooner or later something else will come up (perhaps one of your other kinks that you said you have) will be mentioned, and he will out you there too.

  5. #5

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    If you are married I would say that you both care very much for each other. Now that being said from what I read in your post it seems that there might be some trust issues. It's obvious you don't know his reaction on how he is going to handle this news... but its part of who you are and if he holds it against you then that's just wrong. I told my fiancee that I was a bed wetter and had to wear diapers when I sleep before we got together, and she accepted it and told me she loved me no matter what..

  6. #6

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    Kawaii, there really isnt a trust issue. The issue is that her husband is an idiot and opens his mouth without thinking. Hes also small minded, and is not very well openly minded. His ex is an ab who he to this day makes fun of for being who she is and ridicules her infront of people she doesnt even know, about her interests and desires. Plain and simple hes an idiot (yes, this coming from a card carrying member of the male species), sorry CC if that bothers you, but its just my thoughts.

    CC, I still think you should invite his ex for a glass of wine one night.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by littlelodgewrecker View Post
    get your "power" back in your own hands.... then if you should want to negotiate, do so from a position of strength.
    Power... that has been an ongoing issue for us. He holds most of the power in our relationship (although I have noticed less so since I came out to my therapist and got onto ADISC, interestingly.) How do I get power back? What do I do when I have it? I find it is a very difficult thing for me to have any amount of power and I tend to want to give it away as soon as possible. By nature I am extremely submissive and it takes a great deal of effort for me to work with power in any way but finding someone worthy to give it away to.



    Quote Originally Posted by DONeill73 View Post
    As far as still being pissed about him over the peircing, I would be mad until he realizes his lesson. If he says he learned his lesson, ask him "gee, what exactly was it you learned ??" The fact that he goes on and on and on about his ex, tells me that he may know the lesson learned, but not interested in applying it. Sooner or later something else will come up (perhaps one of your other kinks that you said you have) will be mentioned, and he will out you there too.
    It seems to me that he has zero ability to empathize and thus he doesn't even get that I felt violated by what he did. It's still a point, at least from my perspective where he doesn't even get there is a lesson to be learned. He thinks the matter is settled because he apologized, but I don't feel understood and know that this will happen again. And as for my other kinks... yes I live in fear that he will out me for those too (but at least he doesn't know the *really* bad ones!)



    Quote Originally Posted by DONeill73 View Post
    Kawaii, there really isnt a trust issue. The issue is that her husband is an idiot and opens his mouth without thinking. Hes also small minded, and is not very well openly minded. His ex is an ab who he to this day makes fun of for being who she is and ridicules her infront of people she doesnt even know, about her interests and desires. Plain and simple hes an idiot (yes, this coming from a card carrying member of the male species), sorry CC if that bothers you, but its just my thoughts.

    CC, I still think you should invite his ex for a glass of wine one night.
    DONeill73, you just made my day!

    And interestingly, I actually *could* contact his ex girlfriend if I wanted to, but it seems risky IMO and not worth it. Although as a side note, from her MySpace page she now identifies as lesbian... I am thinking there are some possibilities there!
    Last edited by CycleChick; 06-Sep-2012 at 16:32.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by CycleChick View Post
    Power... that has been an ongoing issue for us. He holds most of the power in our relationship (although I have noticed less so since I came out to my therapist and got onto ADISC, interestingly.) How do I get power back? What do I do when I have it? I find it is a very difficult thing for me to have any amount of power and I tend to want to give it away as soon as possible. By nature I am extremely submissive and it takes a great deal of effort for me to work with power in any way but finding someone worthy to give it away to.
    From what I've read so far, he seems hell-bent on keeping the power. You could ask him why he feels the need to make fun of anything that seems strange to him. He either has some embarassing secrets of his own (and uses ridicule of others to divert any possible attention away from himself) or... well, there are a number of other possibilities, actually. It could be that his parents have been intolerant of anything that didn't seem 'normal'. It's also possible, if he has a brother, that they used to interact in the same way: both wanted 'power', so they ridiculed each other, to make themselves look better.

    In my opinion, bullies (because that's what they are, essentialy) are nothing but insecure [you can put an expletive of your choice here]. It's their defence mechanism... and it sucks.



    It seems to me that he has zero ability to empathize and thus he doesn't even get that I felt violated by what he did. It's still a point, at least from my perspective where he doesn't even get there is a lesson to be learned. He thinks the matter is settled because he apologized, but I don't feel understood and know that this will happen again. And as for my other kinks... yes I live in fear that he will out me for those too (but at least he doesn't know the *really* bad ones!)
    I'm always careful in giving relationship advice, so what was it that brought the two of you together? The fact that you got married should count for something.

  9. #9
    BigC300

    Default Marriage and being outed.

    Trust and Betrayal. Been there done that! Oh, I could write a book about this! What it boils down to is you are in love or you are not. How many people ever experience unconditional love? That's why America's divorce rate is 50 percent. Life is short. Love hard.

  10. #10

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    I could come tie him up and take pictures of him wearing a diaper lol. Then you would have leverage against him.

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