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Thread: snooping parent

  1. #1

    Default snooping parent

    hi all, not been on here for a while since I've been busy. I hope someone can help me answer something I can't get my head around.

    I believe it may have been discussed already on the forum but the search criteria just doesn't match my question.

    basically, my dad moved in with me 2 years go. I gave him 2 bedrooms of the 4 I have and half of the loft (attic). before anyone wonders why so much space, well he has this horde syndrome where he has to buy stuff that may one day be useful. the rooms he has are filled with nothing but junk. he has started to fill my 2 car garage to which a car can no longer get in and my office where I can just about get in and walk through to get to my desk. otherwise he is pretty much normal, he believes there is nothing wrong with him though.

    my original question is irrelevant to his issue, its actually something else. since the now lack of space I have. I have moved my diaper stash to the second loft and I have explained to him that bit is off limits to him and his stuff.

    well anyway, for the last 3 months he's taken awful lot of time off work via holiday, and sickness. he hangs around the house and snoops around in my personal space. he goes through my dirty washing and my wardrobe and draws. I have told him time and time again to stop, but he just doesn't. we have had loads of pointless arguements to which he keeps saying I'm too paranoid. there has beens time when my girl friend was over and our 2 toddler was playing in the living room and he started to complain about the Lego pieces or toys on the floor. this one time I got angry at him and told him to fxxx off to his face. he went ape over it.

    what I don't get is why does he go through my personal stuff all the time even though I've told him time and time to stop it and complain about my or my child's mess in the rooms I have dedicated for my family and are out of bounds for him. I truly need someone to help me understand why he won't leave me alone.

    just to add, he has been up into my second loft already recently to survey the space but found my stash. he hasn't said anything yet but I do know he has called in sick from work again this week for god knows what reason but boxes and other stuff have been moved around up there.

    thanks for reading and hopefully someone may know what's making my dad the person he is now.

  2. #2

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    Snooping seems more like a chick thing..... in my limited experience, dad's either don't or are oblivious. As a dad and granddad, I've found things accidentally, and for the most part pretended I hadn't. Nothing dangerous mind you, or I might've done something.

    Even now, Junior ( ~30) gives me all his passwords and spare keys in case of fire or other disaster, but the only time I've used them was when his wife locked herself out and needed the spare key.

  3. #3

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    You might want to find some sort of professional mediator or a psychiatrist to help with this and his larger hording problems. I would also recommend getting locks, both door locks to secure rooms like the "second loft" and padlocks to secure drawers, chests, etc. You might also consider threatening to kick him out if he can't respect you, your family, and your home; although, I doubt that will be very effective unless you are willing to actually carry through with the threat.
    ~Tweek

  4. #4

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    Yes, I think it's time for dad to go. Normally it's a parent who is facilitating a son or daughter who has moved back in. Children aren't supposed to support their parents unless a parent is ill, and/or perhaps on hard times. But there must be a time limit. My brother in law moved back in with his mother almost 20 years ago and he's still living with her. At this point in time, since she is 91, my wife and I are glad that there's someone living with her should she have a health issue, but your dad living with you is quite different.

    I would have stopped his hording as soon it started, giving him an ultimatum. Now I think you need a mediator, someone you can go to who can set some ground rules for you dad. After all, like we say to kids who complain about their parent's house rules, "my house, my rules". Your dad is taking advantage of you and you are facilitating his unacceptable behavior. You really need to do something about this or you will be stuck with him and his junk for ever. I know this sounds harsh since he's your dad, but you are entitled to your happiness, and misery shouldn't come at the expense of your kindness.

  5. #5
    Cherub

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    I have to agree 100% with dogboy here. Has anyone ever seen the TV show Hoarders? I was appalled at how some of those people lived! It clearly sounds to me that your father is a hoarder. Everything I've seen and researched indicate that these people rarely ever get better. You dad needs to go. It is a hard thing to do, and will feel like a terrible thing to do when you go to enforce it. You father knows you have this soft sport for him, and he will continue to exploit it as long as he can and for everything he can.

    You've already stated you gave him a LOT of space for storage, and now that space has over flowed into your garage and office. Enough needs to be enough! Like dogboy said, I too would have put a stop to the hoarding as soon as I saw it start. You and your family come first, not your father.

    if you father is getting upset at you and your rules while living in your house,,,too darn bad! You pay the cost to be the boss in your house. forget the psychiatrists, you need to evict him. Go do whatever you need to have him evicted from your house. That usually takes 30 days I think (by going the legal route). But once those 30 days are up, he is a good as gone,,,,,enforceable by the law enforcement. Same for his junk!

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cherub View Post
    Go do whatever you need to have him evicted from your house. That usually takes 30 days I think (by going the legal route). But once those 30 days are up, he is a good as gone,,,,,enforceable by the law enforcement. Same for his junk!
    That's only for renters and given all the stuff the TC has said I highly doubt his dad pays any sort of rent or really even earns his keep.

  7. #7

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    Everyone, Thank you so much for your reply. It is a great help to me and is helping me with motivation.

    I do feel that my private life is constantly getting intruded, I can't talk with my girl friend or play with my child without him listening in. My girl friend does not live with me, I have never asked her to move in with me and I won't until my dad is out. She does work and requires little financial support. But I can just see a disaster with them living here too.

    For my diaper times, I do it only when alone which is one weekend a month on average. Nobody knows what I do, I have kept it to myself. I am not sloppy, I clean up and leave no traces. The stash is hidden well. But can be found if looking with intention in those areas I have my belongings. No chance that he just accidentally found stuff.

    He is only living with me due to the fact that he has a job closer to me than his home. He earns a respectable amount but he doesn't spend it on anything useful. Only junk. I pay my mortgage, all the bills ie gas, water, internet, and food for all 4 (Soon 5) of us. He only contributes a small amount towards the mortgage.

    I had accomplished to stop him ordering tons of stuff from the internet. The mail man was coming here every working day. One morning he was at the door and asked me politely to reduce the amount of mail orders we do. Thats when I realised I had do something. This is the only time I got him to stop with the mail ordering, well reduce it.

    Over the next couple of months there has to be something done about it. I have sent a text to my gf this morning and she replied that she will help me clear up the stuff. Basically organise and box the stuff and sort out what can go and what can be sold or given to charity.

    I would like to say though, that there is no trash lying around. Its is just stacks of stuff, hardly worth keeping but he insists it will be useful one day.

    In terms of professional help, I don't believe it will help him. My mum and his parents have both had in depth conversations with him about it. I was never involved in them, but the feedback I get is the same as what I get from him.

    I do want my office and garage back, at the moment my office is my living room and my garage is my drive way.

    From what I understand it seems that he has a problem, the only way it can be dealt with is to enforce a change.

    Once i've got some results over the next few weeks, I will be happy to let you know how I have dealt with it and feedback on the result.

  8. #8
    Cherub

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    Quote Originally Posted by abjimbob86 View Post
    From what I understand it seems that he has a problem, the only way it can be dealt with is to enforce a change.


    Quote Originally Posted by abjimbob86 View Post
    In terms of professional help, I don't believe it will help him.
    A lot of people say that infantilism will never go away. A lot of therapists also agree that infantilism is ingrained into our very personalities. IF this is true for most folks into infantilism,,what hope do you think you will have at getting your father to cease being a hoarder? I hate to be the one that sounds all doom and gloom here, but a lot of professionals view hoarding as a mental disorder. We've only talked to you on this forum, and it seems that you are a good and caring person. Your father knows you better than any of us and I am sure he is aware of your caring side and how difficult it would be for you to say 'NO', or "Time for you to go".



    Quote Originally Posted by abjimbob86 View Post
    I do want my office and garage back, at the moment my office is my living room and my garage is my drive way.
    Your father is taking full advantage of you, as evidence by his 'stuff' overflowing into your office and garage. It appears he has zero respect for you.

    Your own stash and diaper time is not really the issue here. Your father is. He has brought all his 'stuff into your house, run you out of room with his 'stuff'. He is the one snooping around and finding your stash and giving you a difficult time about your friends and family while in your home, where YOU are the boss, not him.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Cherub View Post
    A lot of people say that infantilism will never go away. A lot of therapists also agree that infantilism is ingrained into our very personalities. IF this is true for most folks into infantilism,,what hope do you think you will have at getting your father to cease being a hoarder? I hate to be the one that sounds all doom and gloom here, but a lot of professionals view hoarding as a mental disorder. We've only talked to you on this forum, and it seems that you are a good and caring person. Your father knows you better than any of us and I am sure he is aware of your caring side and how difficult it would be for you to say 'NO', or "Time for you to go".
    I think he's talking about his fathers hoarding on his dad having professional help. Not about his own infantilism.

  10. #10
    Cherub

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Fire2box View Post
    I think he's talking about his fathers hoarding on his dad having professional help. Not about his own infantilism.
    I know the OP is talking about their father's hoarding. I was attempting to illustrate how difficult it may be to get the hoarding to stop by drawing a parallel between infantilism and hoarding.
    Last edited by Trevor; 01-Sep-2012 at 21:44. Reason: removing auto-merged duplicate post.

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