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Thread: Parents refusing to pay for anything, HELP

  1. #1

    Default Parents refusing to pay for anything, HELP

    Okay, let me start by saying this isn't a spoiled brat thread.
    My mother and step dad are being stupid, when I leave shoes on the door mat they throw them down the garden ( i was going out in 10 minutes) and now saying if dont take recycling straight out they'll throw it in my bed.

    Im 17, 18 in 3 months 3 days. They say when im 18 theyll pay for nothing.
    Yet currently all i have from them is 1.10 on school days to cover bus fair and a drink, and they give me a pack lunch. I have the internet which they occasionally use, but now they are saying i have to pay for that, bus fair and food (dont think i believe the food part). But its annoying because i don't ask for anything, they dont buy anything out of ordinary for me. Clothes and any gifts are bought on christmas or birthday. I bought all the 'luxury' items i have e.g my computer.

    They dont respect me, my property or my life. Such as when they go to bed, i have to turn everything off when im working on my near silent PC with headphones in, making no noise.

    I have a job which is usually every two weeks on sundays where ill earn around 30, they say this isnt enough and i need another.

    My main concern is this will hinder college when i start in september. What do i do? They just dont seem to understand how things are now as aposed to 'back in their day'. How do i get through to them that two jobs is pushing a full time college student? They don't support me in anything i do, my support i mean encouragement or interest. I really cant deal with it, its stressing me out...

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    If i don't pay, theyll throw me out

  2. #2

    Default

    My opinion? Find a better job during your down time, and put away some cash, if they want you gone, get gone.(They'll realize the error of their ways later)Sure it will suck for a while, but in the end, I'm sure you'll be happier with your own situation than if you keep having to deal with the threat of being thrown out.(It will also make your standings with your parents better probably, as they'll have to value time with you, as opposed to get irritated that you leave your shoes at the door) Or perhaps strike a deal where you can "Rent" from them, under the conditions that they don't inhibit your lifestyle. Just don't stress out too much, and don't get upset with them, they're humans, and humans are prone to errors. I've got many a friend who have had to deal with this very situation, and honestly, only one of them couldn't manage.(It was my cousin...who has Cerebral Palsy...)

    P.S. According to my mother, the whole "18, now GTFO" mentality isn't from the 1930-1950s. I'd be more prone to think it's more of a recent product caused by the rising costs of living, breakdown of the Western style family, and lack of parenting skills passed down from generation to generation.

  3. #3

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    Its irritating though when i go to friends houses, who are 'worse' than me and their parents are happy with theyre child. All my friends parents like me more than my own...
    I wouldnt mind if i cost the world and demanded the latest clothes, but i get food and what i mentioned up there. Fed up of being hated when i come home, this was the first time id been home in 4 days (been to dads, and a friends) and i get that.

    I cant really get a better one, i work with my dad as a steward and im not old enough yet to do security work ( ill be getting my security badge when im 18).

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    And my mother currently gets money from the government for me being under 18, and a full time student.

  4. #4
    StefanHasDiapees

    Default

    Sounds like a load of stress in the house.

    I won't ask heavy questions; whether you were a 'bad' kid in the past, whether the step dad is making your mom less caring... whatever the cause, you are living the result, and the situation is what it is. Something has to change.

    Here's a couple objective(ish) points to keep in mind.

    - Times have changed, yep, it's true, and maybe your 'rents don't get it; you can not change their attitude. Don't concentrate on this. It's failed so far.

    - For some things, they over-react. Making you turn off a PC when they go to bed, that's kinda nuts, unless you bash the keyboard 5 feet from their bed through a thin wall... do you perhaps sing along with your headphones? Tap the floor constantly to the beat? You MIGHT be making 'too much' noise. It's worth checking. Whatever the case, though, surely you can find a quieter corner away from their bedroom to set it up? If they refuse all reason, though, see my last point down below.

    - Make sure (I mean, really sure) the problem isn't one of you being a normal teen and not realizing how little you do around the house. It's so (SO) easy to think you do 'a lot of work' for your 'rents, when in fact one is doing darn little. My best friend a few years ago was a really cool guy, generous, kind... but he would never do voluntary chores around the house, something I grew up having to do. I'd stay with him a week sometimes and he'd bitch and moan about the smallest thing, every time he was asked. Make sure you are doing what you should, PLUS little extras. 'Rents love that stuff!

    - The work thing. Dude, you're working one day every two weeks? Unless your parents are filthy rich, that's not enough. Nowhere near. A guy at work is 20 years old, living at home in the summer, and boarding at university and is leaving for school in September (same as you); right now, during summer break, he is working FIVE 12-hour shifts per week at the shop to have enough money to eat and study next year.

    Times HAVE changed indeed, eh?

    Finally, if they are just too much to live with, what choice do you have? Either get along with them and bend to their rules, or move out. You can always move out. Of course, then you'll need a full time job and you'd have to get a student loan to pay for room and board... which sucks, but it's also what almost all of us have to do.

    A few years ago at 19, I was living at home, too. I paid 200 dollars rent to Mom, worked full time in the summer (40 hours per week), and went to college in the winter (Sept-April), and still had time to play online and go out with friends.

    You are 3 months away from being 18.

    I assume you are done High school.

    Look, I feel for you about the parent thing, the way they are hounding you and all... but they are like that for SOME reason, and you won't change their attitude to you in 3 months.

    You have GOT to shake off the idea you are working enough. Dude, you aint. Not even close to enough. True, parents shouldn't throw recycling garbage on your bed, but if they are threatening it, why not PROVE them wrong? Take over, voluntarily without saying anything, ALL garbage collection in the house. Why not?

    Again, the option is to get the worlds shittiest apartment and eat Kraft Dinner and toast ALL the time.

    Everyone I know that has made it into early/mid teens either has filthy-rich parents or started working FULL TIME at your age or within MONTHS of your age. And we are all in debt for the next several years for student loans.

    It's the new world. Yeah, your parents was wacky and different, but I don't think it was Nirvana, either.

    I hate to end with this, but... um... all I got left is Get A Job.

  5. #5

    Default

    I dont even bottom out the keys or speak dude

    My room is spotless and i dont make any mess round the house, like im not even there

    I start college next year and its free, and the work thing, they told me to get a job not because they wanted money, just for the sake of having a job..im also volounteering at St johns ambulance.

    I have one and its not good enough, i cant get another. If i do get another there wont be any days left in the week when i start college.

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    And its not the being a douchey teenager thing, i sit in my room, they come up and start going insane saying im making noise, turn everything off (whether im working makes no difference) and theyll just come and turn internet off. O rill get up some days and the step dad wont acknowledge me at all for no reason, he even lies about things ive done or said to him.
    im also saving for camp america, which they know. I dont ask for much, just internet, bus fair and a pack lunch.

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    Ive been getting the youre nearly 18 thing since i turned 16

  6. #6

    Default

    Seriously you need a job, I applied and got my first job before i was 16, i got but had to wait for my NI card. It was as a glass collector in a pub, the night life was great I met loads of people spent half the time flirting with girls who didnt realise how old I was! I used to do around 20 hours a week (nights and weekends) on top of my college work it wasn't a fortune but it was enough, back then I used to get 2.90 an hour! Christ that makes me feel old!

  7. #7

    Default

    I'm sorry t hear of your dilemma but by the time I 16yrs old almost 17 I moved out got a job commuted to high school for two years and worked two part time jobs. (I moved out due to divorce and refused to be played or used by my parents.) So no offense sit down shut up and deal with the cards you've been dealt. Acting as a grown up you have not (yoda speak). I don't care if YOU don't make much of a mess or your not their. Being part of family you need to look at what helps the family as a whole not just what serves you. Example👉 Ok so you use one dish, wash it and put it away and saying well i cleaned up. That is not the same as using a dish and then seeing a sink full of dishes and just doing them. So sorry to blast on but you need to take a hard look at yourself and then open your mental vision to the world/people around you and realize that there is more going on than just your needs. I am sorry they are doing the tuff love approach and I do get where your coming from but it is you that must adjust. How you do it is your choice you can live by the house rules or move out or sit and cry. I hope you get things headed in a good direction for you and soon.

  8. #8

    Default

    i had a glass collecting job for a year at night aswell when i was 16 for about a year. I had to quit because my moped broke.

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    The point it that the clean your own mess rule stands for everyone in the house, everyone keeps their mess to theirselves. No dirty dishes everywhere or anything. On night where we eat together we clean up together. And i do look at other peoples needs too, but ill get a job theyll be happy for awhile then ill come back one day and it isnt enough and they want more. We arent a family and we dont act like one, and they work based entirely on their needs.

  9. #9

    Default

    Hmm harsh words there from D1esel. Unfortunately to some extent they are true.

    My opinion is based on being a parent of a 12 year old who THINKS that she never does anything wrong, and thinks that the way we are punishing her right now, is abuse and un-called for....

    IT'S NOT.

    I will dip into it briefly, then say to you (notice, not TELL you) what I think as a piffed off parent, that you should try...

    OK, she consistently mouths at me and treats me like crap, she blatantly ignores any kind of instructions, she has a sheet of rules pinned to her wardrobe, she breaks most of them every day. We literally have nothing left to punish her with as even if physical correction was allowed, I wouldn't agree to it.

    She has had her pc taken away from her, her DS, and when she gets through the door of an evening after school, until she leaves for school the next morning, she has her mobile taken off her too. There is literally nothing else we can confiscate yet still she constantly bitches at us, her room is a pig sty, she REFUSES to clean it up, she makes crappy excuses for being late from school every night, she STILL goes in her Brother's room and causes a fight, she STILL steals food. Her latest trick is stealing paracetamol but we can't afford a lockable medicine cabinet just yet.

    Every day in the half term, she would come in my room and act as though my bearded dragon was hers, she would hand feed his veg, give him water, (yes, he needs water, but that's MY job! Hand feeding makes him lazy and he stops feeding for himself, he refused his veg for 3 days after she went back to school, til he realise that he wasn't going to get fed) try and get him out ALL THE TIME... she refused to listen when I told her to leave him alone. She actually stressed him out so much he black bearded and extended his beard every time she walked in the room. I thought he was going to die of stress she pestered him that much. He also had severe stress marks on his underside

    There are so so many things she does wrong but we have no other way of punishing her. She's a straight A perfect student with frequent commendations at school, she's just hell at home!

    Her most cringingly annoying habit is responding to being asked not to do something with "WHAT?!" (loud and high as if she's in shock from being told off!)

    She only hears what she wants to hear too.
    eg.
    Monday night whilst I'm eating my dinner: she comes in and begs to try some.

    I give her a few pieces to try, she really likes them so I give her more...

    I say, (EXACT WORDS, I EMPHASISED THE CAPS WORDS) "I've got the other half of this for dinner tomorrow night, I MIGHT let you have SOME OF IT again, if you're nice for once"

    Tuesday night - Simon is putting the items in the oven to cook...

    Bronnie: "That's for me"

    Simon: "no, it's your Mum's"

    Bronnie: "she said I could have the other half!"

    Simon calls upstairs to ask if I've said she can have the lot, I reply no!

    Bronnie storms upstairs: "you are such a liar! You said I could have it! You're so selfish!"

    IF I was a bitch, like her, I would have slapped her! In my head I did though: lol:


    You know Harry Enfield's character Kevin the teenager? That's my Daughter, only she doesn't yell "I HATE YOU" she hits on the emotions with "YOU HATE ME!"


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Now a few ideas for you to try...

    Have you ever gone calmly to your Mum and Step Dad and said, "look, I know things are not working out for us right now, but if you could give me some ideas on how I can improve myself, so that things are better between us, I would be very grateful." Act like an adult, get treated like an adult.

    Also, when you have some spare time, when you're not studying or working, go to your parents with, "I'd like to use some of my free time to do constructive things around the house, could you give me some things that I can do to help you both out?"

    Constantly ask for things to do, instead of sitting at your pc being a typical teenager, start doing things without being asked, only make sure you parents WANT you to do them, you'll only endure more conflict if you do things wrong, or do things they didn't want doing.

    Perhaps you could offer to give Mum a night off in the week, prepare dinner, cook it, then completely clean up afterwards.... that HAS to get you in good standing with at least your Mum. Just don't burn it, or wreck your Mum's kitchen

    What about washing the car/s? Doing the gardening, doing the laundry? As many chores as possible to make you indispensable, they're not going to want to lose you if you're making their lives a lot easier?

    I'm sorry if you're already doing all of this... I just wanted to give you some ideas, as a parent of a troublesome teenager (she's not 13 'til August, but she's acted like Kevin since she started High School. *Sigh*)

    Hope this helps a little tinsy bit.

    CV

    Sent from my ZT ICS using Tapatalk 2

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainVimes View Post
    Hmm harsh words there from D1esel. Unfortunately to some extent they are true.

    My opinion is based on being a parent of a 12 year old who THINKS that she never does anything wrong, and thinks that the way we are punishing her right now, is abuse and un-called for....

    IT'S NOT.

    I will dip into it briefly, then say to you (notice, not TELL you) what I think as a piffed off parent, that you should try...

    OK, she consistently mouths at me and treats me like crap, she blatantly ignores any kind of instructions, she has a sheet of rules pinned to her wardrobe, she breaks most of them every day. We literally have nothing left to punish her with as even if physical correction was allowed, I wouldn't agree to it.

    She has had her pc taken away from her, her DS, and when she gets through the door of an evening after school, until she leaves for school the next morning, she has her mobile taken off her too. There is literally nothing else we can confiscate yet still she constantly bitches at us, her room is a pig sty, she REFUSES to clean it up, she makes crappy excuses for being late from school every night, she STILL goes in her Brother's room and causes a fight, she STILL steals food. Her latest trick is stealing paracetamol but we can't afford a lockable medicine cabinet just yet.

    Every day in the half term, she would come in my room and act as though my bearded dragon was hers, she would hand feed his veg, give him water, (yes, he needs water, but that's MY job! Hand feeding makes him lazy and he stops feeding for himself, he refused his veg for 3 days after she went back to school, til he realise that he wasn't going to get fed) try and get him out ALL THE TIME... she refused to listen when I told her to leave him alone. She actually stressed him out so much he black bearded and extended his beard every time she walked in the room. I thought he was going to die of stress she pestered him that much. He also had severe stress marks on his underside

    There are so so many things she does wrong but we have no other way of punishing her. She's a straight A perfect student with frequent commendations at school, she's just hell at home!

    Her most cringingly annoying habit is responding to being asked not to do something with "WHAT?!" (loud and high as if she's in shock from being told off!)

    She only hears what she wants to hear too.
    eg.
    Monday night whilst I'm eating my dinner: she comes in and begs to try some.

    I give her a few pieces to try, she really likes them so I give her more...

    I say, (EXACT WORDS, I EMPHASISED THE CAPS WORDS) "I've got the other half of this for dinner tomorrow night, I MIGHT let you have SOME OF IT again, if you're nice for once"

    Tuesday night - Simon is putting the items in the oven to cook...

    Bronnie: "That's for me"

    Simon: "no, it's your Mum's"

    Bronnie: "she said I could have the other half!"

    Simon calls upstairs to ask if I've said she can have the lot, I reply no!

    Bronnie storms upstairs: "you are such a liar! You said I could have it! You're so selfish!"

    IF I was a bitch, like her, I would have slapped her! In my head I did though: lol:


    You know Harry Enfield's character Kevin the teenager? That's my Daughter, only she doesn't yell "I HATE YOU" she hits on the emotions with "YOU HATE ME!"


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Now a few ideas for you to try...

    Have you ever gone calmly to your Mum and Step Dad and said, "look, I know things are not working out for us right now, but if you could give me some ideas on how I can improve myself, so that things are better between us, I would be very grateful." Act like an adult, get treated like an adult.

    Also, when you have some spare time, when you're not studying or working, go to your parents with, "I'd like to use some of my free time to do constructive things around the house, could you give me some things that I can do to help you both out?"

    Constantly ask for things to do, instead of sitting at your pc being a typical teenager, start doing things without being asked, only make sure you parents WANT you to do them, you'll only endure more conflict if you do things wrong, or do things they didn't want doing.

    Perhaps you could offer to give Mum a night off in the week, prepare dinner, cook it, then completely clean up afterwards.... that HAS to get you in good standing with at least your Mum. Just don't burn it, or wreck your Mum's kitchen

    What about washing the car/s? Doing the gardening, doing the laundry? As many chores as possible to make you indispensable, they're not going to want to lose you if you're making their lives a lot easier?

    I'm sorry if you're already doing all of this... I just wanted to give you some ideas, as a parent of a troublesome teenager (she's not 13 'til August, but she's acted like Kevin since she started High School. *Sigh*)

    Hope this helps a little tinsy bit.

    CV

    Sent from my ZT ICS using Tapatalk 2
    Hey, i dont have anything like that with my parents to be honest, i keep to myself. When i come downstairs to sit on the couch my mum complains and says to sit upstairs. If im home for a week, or if she falls out with me she wants me gone (to my dads or a friends). I cook my own meal, wash up what i use and put the stuff i use away.They do the same with their stuff. I dont break any of their rules, they just cant seem to stand me. One example would be today, i get told of for sleeping on the couch and another would be im eating the meal i cooked at the table. My stepdad is sat in the conservatory and my mum is upstairs, i turned a video up by about 5 on the laptop and straight away i got can you turn it down.

    If i could show you my room i would but for obvious reasons i cant.

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    Its just frustrating to follow all their rules, be away/out of the house as much as possible (they prefer it, trust me). I keep myself to myself when home and keep my room tidy. I have minimal contact with them and don't ask for anything (i could understand hassling for things to be bought being annoying) and pay for all my stuff.

    What more do they want?

    - - - Updated - - -

    And thanks for the good reply btw

    - - - Updated - - -

    An example that just happened now, its sun set so its kinda poor light for just sunlight indoors, step dad walks past and turns bedroom light of while im in the toom

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