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Thread: Embarrasing Problem

  1. #1

    Default Embarrasing Problem

    Hi guys! Nornmally I would never post something of this nature for all to see but I consider myself to be in good company and I really need to get some things off my chest and seek some advice. I need some advice from married couples of anyone that has had sexual problems in this past relationships.
    Here's some background: my hubby and I have been married a little over a year now and we met about 6 years ago. At the time I was in high school and needless to say sex wasnt really an issue for us....it just happned and things were fine. He was happy, I was happy....all was well. About two years later we got into church and felt that us having sex before marriage was wrong, so we stopped. We dated for the next couple of years and though we tried hard to stay pure (please no negative comments on this) we would occasinaly get carried away in passion. We always talked about how nice it would be when we didnt have to worry about feeling guilty about doing those things. So last year we got maried and I thought "Finally!" but it was far from normal. It was very infrequent and when we did do it, my husband didnt seem to get much from it. As time has gone on it has gotten worse and worse.....it has now been months. Of all the time times that we have done it in our marriage I have always been the one to start it. Never him. Now I have been turned down so many times that I dont even want to try, knowing before I do I will fail. I have tried everything and he never seems to want it. We have talked about it more times that I can count but it always ends in a fight. He says that he cant explain it, he;s just not in the mood. The last time I brought it up he said he wished I would just leave it alone.....I dont plan on saying much else to him. He doesnt want to make an effort....and it hurts. He's fine with things the way they are and sees nothing wrong with it. But I do....partners are supposed to mutally meet each others needs and I feel completly ignored. Dont get me wrong he;s great; does things for me, is geniaully sweet and tolerant of what he knows of my little side. And while he always says I'm beautful, I dont feel it at all when he doesnt even let me touch him. I think about it constantly and I feel myself doing things I dont like; thinking things I shouldnt and looking at things I know are wrong on the internet. I dont want to be this way.....I want to have this relationship with my husband. I am beginning to wonder what will happen if five years from now it remains the same as it is now....how much my resentment will build up and how this will also affect our ability to have a family one day (which we both want kids). If you have read all this, thank you. I need some advice for what I should do since talking doesnt seem t help; we have the same conversation over and over again and somehow I'm always in the wrong. Thanks for listening guys....this is really emabrrasing for me to share and I'm sorry if we arent supposed to discuss this sort of thing on here.

  2. #2

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    I was that guy, and biblicaly he is in the wrong. It was selfishness on my part just looking out for what I wanted rather than trying to meet her needs. I would suggest profesional help if he is willing be it psychological or medical. No matter what you decide, please do not shut down. That will drive a deep wedge between the two of you more than a disagreement over the issue.

  3. #3

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    You mean that you didnt ever want to either? Mind me asking why? I have no idea what is going on his head.... I really dont know if he would be open to help.....I seem to lean towards no. That would imply he said a problem, which he seems to think he has no problem. But I would seek help if he would be willing. Its hard not to shut down....I already feel myself closing up.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by TeddyBearGirl View Post
    You mean that you didnt ever want to either? Mind me asking why? I have no idea what is going on his head.... I really dont know if he would be open to help.....I seem to lean towards no. That would imply he said a problem, which he seems to think he has no problem. But I would seek help if he would be willing. Its hard not to shut down....I already feel myself closing up.
    In my case she was my first love and in the beginning it was all new and exiting, and then it wasn't. My self-confidence waned when she told me that it was OK or in other cases wasn’t that great. So I stopped trying. We grew apart physically, then emotionally, and eventually she had an affair and left me.

    I can say that biblically the husband belongs to his wife and she belongs to him. Unless it is mutually agreed upon for a short time it is unbiblical to withhold physical intimacy.


    I do not know what is going though his head. I do know that in loosing a marriage and going through more pain than I’ve experienced before or since, I dearly wish I lived close enough to you to sit down and talk with him about it.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Khaymen View Post
    In my case she was my first love and in the beginning it was all new and exiting, and then it wasn't. My self-confidence waned when she told me that it was OK or in other cases wasn’t that great. So I stopped trying. We grew apart physically, then emotionally, and eventually she had an affair and left me.

    I can say that biblically the husband belongs to his wife and she belongs to him. Unless it is mutually agreed upon for a short time it is unbiblical to withhold physical intimacy.


    I do not know what is going though his head. I do know that in loosing a marriage and going through more pain than I’ve experienced before or since, I dearly wish I lived close enough to you to sit down and talk with him about it.
    I'm really glad to be able to see someone can show me I'm not crazy in my feelings. I'm truely sorry for what happened to you and your wife....that's exactly what I dont want to happen with my husband and me. He seems to not understand that while most of our relationship is great, this part is slowly posioing the rest. He doesnt understand that it makes me feel unwanted, unattrative and like something is wrong with me. I am obviously a Christian and have been thinking about the verse you mentioned....I feel so disgutsed with myself for unpure thoughts and then I feel bad for thinking that this is is somehow his fault and not mine for not being what a husband is supposed to be. I understand that the sexual part of a realtionship doesnt have to be major, but it does have to be good with both and its not for me at all. I feel bad for being so open and transparent its just so nice to have someone to finally talk to.

  6. #6

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    Since there has been a passage of at least 6 years since you first started dating and now, have there been some physical changes? Have you or your husband gained weight or lost weight. Has there been a change in health. These can affect libido.

    I think that sometimes we are creatures of schedule, rather than habit. During the work week, people are tired and they can be stressed over the next day of work. The weekend is a time to let down and have a little fun. I think you need to talk with your husband and discuss having what "Malcolm in the Middle" called "Tiki Time". This is something you plan with anticipation, perhaps taking a shower, having a nice dinner and a drink or two. You try to make a special romantic setting, something a lot more exotic than the hum drum of the work week. It he is not interested in this, then something has changed.

    Emotional changes can occur as well. Before I married my wife, I told her of my past which included living exclusively gay while in college. I'm bi and can be attracted to either sex, but I've seen some men change their preferences over time. I wanted a marriage and kids, but I've seen some men go in a very different direction. I would suggest that if your husband wasn't interested in a romantic Saturday, then discussion and counseling are very much in order. I wish you well in all of this.

  7. #7

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    I'm praying for you
    also check out the link in my siggy.
    more later.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    Since there has been a passage of at least 6 years since you first started dating and now, have there been some physical changes? Have you or your husband gained weight or lost weight. Has there been a change in health. These can affect libido.

    I think that sometimes we are creatures of schedule, rather than habit. During the work week, people are tired and they can be stressed over the next day of work. The weekend is a time to let down and have a little fun. I think you need to talk with your husband and discuss having what "Malcolm in the Middle" called "Tiki Time". This is something you plan with anticipation, perhaps taking a shower, having a nice dinner and a drink or two. You try to make a special romantic setting, something a lot more exotic than the hum drum of the work week. It he is not interested in this, then something has changed.

    Emotional changes can occur as well. Before I married my wife, I told her of my past which included living exclusively gay while in college. I'm bi and can be attracted to either sex, but I've seen some men change their preferences over time. I wanted a marriage and kids, but I've seen some men go in a very different direction. I would suggest that if your husband wasn't interested in a romantic Saturday, then discussion and counseling are very much in order. I wish you well in all of this.
    well, I myself havent changed physically much in that time, have put on about 15 pounds since then, but I suppose my husband has put on a little more.....But it bothers me because its not like his drive is compltely absent.....he seems to alway be in the mood or to 'please' himself when I'm not there. Leading me to feel that he has feelings, just not for me. I know that's irrational but after awhile you get insecrure. And thanks Blacksmith for the prayers

  9. #9

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    I wouldn't jump to any conclusions, but one thing that comes to midn is, do you happen to know if he watches porn?
    Getting more than anecdotal evidence for this is hard, but there are some communities of young men (and some women), like reddit.com/r/nofap/, who've come to the conclusion that their own porn addictions have led to things like erectile dysfunction and loss of libido / interest in sex with their SOs.

    Since it can be a sensitive subject, I wouldn't badger him about it or press this particular issue one way or another, though. Please don't get all confrontational and assume horrible things just because of this post.

    But if he does watch porn, maybe you could gently suggest that he check out this site Your Brain On Porn to see if it resonates with him at all.

  10. #10
    Peachy

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    If he's still "in the mood" to at least play with himself I'd say that he should be able to get into the mood to play with you. It's a bit of a shame you stopped completely for a while, otherwise you could have gotten a bit of a routine going. After that initial "can't keep your eyes, hands and other body parts off/out of each other" that always occurs at the beginning of new relationships, it's important to get into a routine, just as it's important to get into one after each major change (like moving house, changing jobs, buying a new car etc.). Unfortunately, you've gone into a routine of not playing until your marriage, so I reckon each partner has found other ways to get their hormone levels down.

    What you essentially need to do is break that routine, or incite that flame you had when you first met again. You're not that old to not be able to do it, but it may take more effort than back in the teenage years when any prospect of female genital parts would get any guy going. Someone suggest dinner or a romantic evening. Give it a try! There's a whole industry devoted to selling items to enhance attractiveness (mostly clothes, or toys). Can't hurt to spend some money there.

    If that doesn't work out after a while you'll probably have to sit him down and talk it over, or get some sort of counseling/help. He needs to understand that he has obligations in that relationship that go beyond his own hand and body parts.

    Seems like you both have a bit of work to do, but it's hardly impossible. You're 23, not 53, so try to get that flame going again and don't just hope for a routine...you can settle for that when you have kids

    Peachy

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