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Thread: wondering if anyone can pin point me to support for partners

  1. #1

    Default wondering if anyone can pin point me to support for partners


    I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong place I just don't really know where to go.
    I'm married and have been with my husband for 5 years. I love him very much and we have a very close relationship.

    Shortly into the relationship he told me that he enjoyed sucking dummies and that it gave him sexual pleasure. I have to admit that I found this a bit strange but he said that he didn't want to do it and that he was trying to stop and I figured that we all have our little usual quirks. Well anyway the topic came up a few times over the years however I didn't really think that much of it.

    Recently I've found out that whilst on business trips my husband had been using dummies and bottles with milk in and sexually pleasuring himself. I felt really hurt as he had hidden this from me and I felt that it was behind my back but he said he was sorry and we moved on. More recently he has been under pressure at work. Things have got to the point where he wants to use these things in our sex life.

    I want to be open minded and I don't want to change him but I'm finding it so hard to cope with. I'm going along with it but I just can't get used to it- it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I'm not trying to judge anyone- I know he has his feelings and they are natural to him but I just can't handle it.

    I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong place really but I can't talk to anyone about this and I just wanted to know if anyone knew anywhere I can go. I feel really alone. I don't want to make him feel guilty and that he can't be himself and I feel that is what would happen if I said how I feel.

    Can anyone help?



  2. #2


    I believe I might be able to! I was actually introduced to this lifestyle by my ex-boyfriend, and now I'm dating (and living with) someone I met on here.

    I found it very unusual when I first found out about the whole thing, and to be honest, almost 4 years on I still have my moments of disbelied (and dare I say it here?) repulsion. Not for the people, just the practice!

    I'm not really sure what sort of support you're looking for, when I first found out this was the best place for me to get support, and you're more than welcome to stick around here and ask for advice, and of course you're more than welcome to PM me for a chat

    All I can say is that you've done well so far to keep such an open mind, and even more so to come looking for help!

  3. #3


    I'm finding it difficult because I feel that I can't express how I feel to anyone. I'm depserately trying not to make my husband feel guilty or that it's something to be ashamed of so I hide how difficult I'm finding it. Because its a secret I can't talk to anyone I know; I feel very alone.
    I wish I didn't feel how I feel- I keep on telling myself its not a big deal but it doesn't change my feelings. How do you stop feeling that way?

  4. #4


    Hi and welcome!!

    I'm sorry that you're having to deal with so much distress over this. I also commend you for trying to keep and open mind and seeking help instead of just rejecting him.

    To me it seems that there are two big issues here; That he has these desires & wants to include you in them and that he went behind your back. Now I know that finding out that your husband has a fetish like that can be very shocking and disturbing and I know it's causing you to feel disgusted. However I think the issue that you should address with yourself and him first is the fact that he betrayed your trust. You may feel as if he's been cheating on you and you have to decide if you can recognize that you are obviously the main part of his sexual desire and that the bottles and pacifiers are just accessories that can also bring him pleasure, kind of like how some women use vibrators or other sex toys. Now if you can't stop yourself from feeling like you've been cheated on you can try to forgive him for it, and for going behind your back. You may also consider seeing a couples therapist about this and just saying that he was using items that were part of his fetish and not tell them about the fact that the items are pacifiers and bottles unless you feel comfortable doing so.

    Now, about the fact that he does what he does and likes what he likes. A lot of people on here believe that these desires, in many cases, are a coping mechanism to relieve stress. It's awesome that you obviously believe that these desires are part of who he is. But I caution you, he can't and won't be able to just get rid of the desire. He may be able to go for long periods without acting on them but it will be psychologically taxing for him. That being said if you don't want to be involved with it absolutely do not let yourself be pressured into it. You'll only end up resenting him for it. I think that there is the possibility for a whole new wonderful field of sexual pleasure if you willingly engage in it with him, but if you don't want to you by no means have to. Just do what you think is right for you.

    All I can say is think about it and talk to him about it, it's obvious that you love your husband very much and I'm sure he loves you too, but both of you need to be happy in order for the relationship to continue to prosper.

  5. #5


    Quote Originally Posted by Rebeccahazel View Post
    I'm finding it difficult because I feel that I can't express how I feel to anyone. I'm depserately trying not to make my husband feel guilty or that it's something to be ashamed of so I hide how difficult I'm finding it. Because its a secret I can't talk to anyone I know; I feel very alone.
    I wish I didn't feel how I feel- I keep on telling myself its not a big deal but it doesn't change my feelings. How do you stop feeling that way?
    It's a very normal feeling to have. I know a lot of the members here belong to the site because they have these desires and no one to talk to about them. I felt the same way. I was so confused and lost, and really didn't understand what was going on - and for the first time in my life I really had to keep my big gob shut and not tell anyone about it!

    The main reason I stuck around here was to get support. I found everyone here really welcoming and helpful, and they were all happy to just let me talk to them, and offer advice if I needed it. And I'm sure they would do the same to you. Please do stay around and talk to people! It's always nice to have a chat with someone who knows what you're going on about!

    Unfortunately, it is a big deal, but that doesn't mean it isn't something you can work through! By all means I think you definitely can! As LittleMiss said, there does seem to be two problems. The first one being the fact that he lied to you, and went behind your back. You have to realise that while these interests are harmless, they're still weird, which is, I believe, your second problem. I suspect the reason he didn't tell you the full story is because he thought if he told you then it would ick you out too much and you guys would break up. I know it's not the best way to deal with things, but I'm sure you can understand why he would think that!

    As for what he actually does, that's up to you how you proceed. I'm a firm believer in trying almost anything once, but if it's a major turn-off then it's just not for you. Perhaps you guys could come to some sort of solution, whereby you are out of the house one evening every few weeks (or more, or less, depending on how much he wants) with friends or at a class or something, and he has the house to himself to... do these things. I know it's not ideal, but in a way that's still supporting him, without you being involved.

    Just as an aside, how did you find out about this site? And is your husband a member here?

  6. #6


    Just a plug for our articles section: Sorry we don't have more to offer. ADISC tries to be a sensible and supportive site for people with questions on this topic but the vast majority are from those with the interest rather than those affected by it, so it skews the volume of support material. While the article refers to diapers, you can substitute his stated interests for them and I think it will generally apply. As Talula says, we'll certainly try to help.

    I'm sorry to hear your husband wasn't honest with you on this matter. I understand it but I don't condone it. Men, with or without a fetish, commonly masturbate even in a relationship, so at this point I would say your concern should be the dishonesty and what effect this will have on your relationship going forward. While his interests might be limited to pacifiers and and bottles, it appears to be less common to be so narrow. I think you'd do well to find out just how deep the rabbit hole might go. This can be a hard thing to talk about and it sounds like you've tried to be attentive to that. You need to make it clear to him as supportively as you can that he needs to fess up if there is anything else. It does you no good for him to admit to some things that are important and not others that he may be more embarassed over but equally inclined to do behind your back. Only when you know the scope of the matter can you start to decide if it's something you can work with. It doesn't make you a bad person if you can't.

    Personally, I wouldn't be with anyone who wasn't either a happy participant or truly indifferent to let me take care of it myself discreetly when the need arose. I have gone years without using diapers due to personal circumstances but the desire never faded. Now in my 40s, I've had one noteworthy patch of about three months where this seemed to vanish completely (as opposed to being cast aside by my own self-loathing). The intensity rises and falls but aside from that aberrant period, it has remained. I also found that as I accepted my desires and had diapers available, the compulsion was greatly reduced. I say this to suggest to you how unlikely it is that he will quit. Our capacity for self deception can be great, and our guilt can make it easy to promise that we will stop but for what is a technically harmless, generally private, and inexpensive desire, it's hard to walk away from.

    This is odd territory for a lot of people, so your feelings are completely natural. I hope you'll be able to use us as a sounding board but I wouldn't rule out getting some couples counselling as LittleMiss suggested.

  7. #7


    The above advise is so good I can't think of anything to add accept to say that I am a diaper lover, and one who eventually got caught by my wife. She was very accepting even though she does not participate, nor does she have any desires. Like you, she must deal with me, and though she doesn't mind my wearing diapers to bed, the smell of pee is not especially pleasant. Even so, we have learned to coexist with each others needs. My wife's need is that I am her dialysis partner. Every night I get her on the dialysis machine which is in our bedroom.

    I say this almost as a point of comparison. We all have needs in any relationship. I would like to think that there are important things which he gives to you. I would hope so, otherwise it would not be a strong relationship. Hopefully, men are providers, and are supportive. They should express love and care to their partner. There should be other things which you enjoy and even look forward in doing together.

    As others have said, he will not be able to give up the pacifier/bottle, and as Trevor suggested, does the rabbit hole extend to diapers, something which he may be too embarrassed to reveal at this time? I would suggest that you weigh his good points against this one sticking point and ask yourself, is this worth letting it damage your relationship? I personally think it isn't but then I'm on the other end, and so my perspective is skewed. I wish you well in all of this, and I applaud you for coming to this site. We are first and formost, a support site, not just for people who enjoy acts of regressing, but for those who love them.

  8. #8


    You post sounds familiar, been there, done that, and yet I have no real good news about the situation. I dare say he will never be able to "make absent" this desire from his sexuality. He can be honest if in fact that honesty is not going to bring wrath. I'm the DL in my relationship. Long ago, I told her, we even experimented with diapers and plastic pants in our sex life, she rejected the whole scene. She was turned off by the idea that I was turned on by something other than her. Yes she turns me on, has for over 33 years, no she doesn't know I still am very attracted to diapers and plastic pants. I do wear them in private, sometimes when traveling alone. I do masturbate with diapers and without, I think most guys do. I will say my DL side has on occasion effected my sex life, early on. It doesn't now. I minimize my wear and only wear when it makes no difference to anyone but me. I'm sure she would be upset to find out I still wear. I'm assuming that when she was so turned off by them and they disappeared from our bedroom that I've never wore again. I didn't for almost two years, but one day, when alone, I got more supplies and wore "in secret" as I had prior to meeting her and as I had during all my childhood. If she asked me today, I would not lie about it. Don't ask, don't tell. That is what I've done. But I also haven't volunteered to tell her. Lately I've worn more because she is away caring for a sick family member. I like to think it is a innocent practice. Maybe not. What I haven't done.....kept her informed of my diaper desires, volunteered information about my continued wearing. I still figure that one day, I'll get "caught". And when I do it will be a very rough spot for both of us. But we have much invested in each other's life. We love each other. The kids are grown and gone and we have successful careers. I don't think either of us would throw it all away because I have a fetish that I told her about years ago. I have always been more fantasy oriented in our sex life, she accomidates that sometimes....sometimes she says no. So be it. This doesn't diminish our love for each other which extends far beyond our sex life.

    If your husband can control himself to the point that he can maintain all his responsible relationships, why not let him have his fetish on an occational basis? If it overtakes or becomes "all comsuming" then adjustments have to be made on his part. If you insist this never be done again on his part, he may go "secret" with his fetish. You have to decide if that is acceptable or not.

    I love "diapering up" as I call it. My wife doesn't. But I love her more than "diapering up". We have a long time marriage which proves that point.

  9. #9


    Quote Originally Posted by Rebeccahazel View Post
    Recently I've found out that whilst on business trips my husband had been using dummies and bottles with milk in and sexually pleasuring himself. I felt really hurt as he had hidden this from me and I felt that it was behind my back but he said he was sorry and we moved on. More recently he has been under pressure at work. Things have got to the point where he wants to use these things in our sex life.
    I am intrigued as to how on earth you found out about him doing this whilst on business trips?

    He obviously loves you and trusts you enough to let you in on this exceptionally intimate part of his life.

    Don't allow him to force this upon you though, you will only feel utterly uncomfortable to the point that you cannot receive or achieve pleasure from your sex life, which will then become a bore, then a chore. Once sex becomes boring, or more of a chore than fun, it can also eat away at other parts of your relationship, and it's possible you could reach complete melt-down.

    If you would prefer he keep this little part of himself to himself, then you need to be kind but firm, tell him that you just simply cannot cope with it, or that you are finding it impossible to accept it, or to treat it as "the norm".

    He obviously has no intention of stopping, (he said he wanted to stop initially, but has now gone back on that) as he has started to try and get you to join in with him, or to incorporate it into your current sex-life. I don't think you are anywhere near the "ultimatum stage", but I wouldn't say you'll never get there either.

    I've tried to ask myself how I would deal with it if my OH turned round and told me that he was sexually interested in becoming a baby, but my protective mind keeps throwing it out and not letting me even think about it. (I found this forum by typing "incontinence" into the tapatalk search box, that's my ONLY reason for being here, personally - I can't see the attraction of purposely pee'ing into one's nappy and sitting in it until it goes cold, BUT that doesn't mean that I think badly of any of the members here though.)

    I think a happy medium needs to be found, one that resolves the issues of both sides of the coin. Whether that means he continues to enjoy his fetish on his own, but also continues a happy healthy relationship with your good self, or if it means you accepting this behaviour as "the norm" in your relationship and OCCASIONALLY allowing it to enter the bedroom, I cannot think of another medium right now. I've overworked my brain today already, I need to rest it.

    I hope that I have put into words adequately, what was brewing in my head, without insulting any of the lovely people here.

    Best wishes

    on my Tablet! :-)
    (ZT282 - C91 upgrade)

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