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Thread: coming out as gay (then dl maby)

  1. #1

    Default coming out as gay (then dl maby)

    hi ya people ive been working on a letter to send to my mum as anything else just ends up in arguments anyways here it is would really appreciate some feedback

    I wish I could be me, I wish I could be honest with people instead of hiding behind a coat of lies. I avoid and distance myself from people because I am hiding something, something I am itching to tell people but I am scared of losing the people I love the most. This is not a phase this is not a choice. If I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away I would. Indeed I wish I could. But I canít I can only be me.

    Me is someone who loves those who have always been there, me is someone who has turned the lives of those very same people upside down.

    There is not a day goes by where I donít think about how I have hurt you.

    Inside I feel I donít deserve to be here, but I know to act on those thoughts would be to throw away all the love and support that has been shown. So am left feeling though I am coping on my own, because I donít want to hurt you. I want to make you proud and am doing all I can to through my studies.

    It eats me up inside when I hear you say I want you to give me girls. I wish I really wish I could. I donít want to lie anymore, lie to a girl and pretend I am interested in her when I am not. For this I constantly feel ashamed that I canít fulfil the hope and aspirations that you have for me. I just hope I can make you proud in some other way.

    I know this makes you uncomfortable and I understand why. This is why I still constantly hide. Hide form my friends at college for fear of the truth being recognised. The truth is everyday it gets harder and harder to hide.

    The truth is I canít be me but always living a lie.

    I hope and pray there will come a time where you are truly proud of who I am

    ---------- Post added at 20:38 ---------- Previous post was at 19:31 ----------

    ime not too sure if this is the right thing to do or not but its how i feel

  2. #2

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    Hi Justice91, I truley believe that the letter you've written to your mum has come from the heart and is sincere. You've asked for some feedback on it and I think the wording is absolutly fine and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Put simply it's how you feel and no one can take that away from you.
    However, I would seriously re-consider sending it to your mum. But that doens't take away the fact you've put in down on paper. Sometimes that in itself is enough to make you feel more clearly about the situation you're in. You can still say those things to your mum. Think how much more sincere it will sound. You could even read it out to her and then leave it at that.
    The problem with sending letters, and trust me I've done it myself, you can never get it back or change it or even say you misunderstood what you meant to say. It's a permanent record of how you feel right now, just think how powerful that is. I guarantee you won't always feel like you do today and perhaps in 6 or 12months you might regret sending it. However if you say it to her then there's no record of what you said. It seems to me you're looking for a way to communicate with your mum which is a good thing. I personally think the best way is to say it to somone.

  3. #3

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    I fully agree with the idea that you need to be able to be yourself without hiding. I went through the first 35 years of my life living a lie about my sexual orientation. Coming out produced many ramifications, not all of which were positive. But the positive benefits of becoming an honest man overshadowed the negative reactions that I received from a few people who were close to me.

    I also agree with abrim4's suggestion that you not send the letter. Tell your mother face to face. Don't let her (or anyone else) intimidate you or put you down. But face them when you tell them who you are. Be brave, bold and proud of your identity. You have every right in this world to be yourself.

    However, one thing to realize is that your family or some members of your family might banish you. That sometimes happens. Nevertheless, come hell or high water, you have the right to be yourself. And if your experience is anything like mine, the negative reactions of some others will be outweighed by the freedom that you gain. And not everybody's reaction will be negative. Not by any means! You'll be surprised by how much support and respect you receive.

  4. #4

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    hi ya thanks for you comment I think what i may do is wait a week and see if i feel the same this time next week before i do anything i was thinking of sending it in a letter or an email because any time i have brought it up with her before its always caused an argument

    Quote Originally Posted by AbriM4 View Post
    Hi Justice91, I truley believe that the letter you've written to your mum has come from the heart and is sincere. You've asked for some feedback on it and I think the wording is absolutly fine and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Put simply it's how you feel and no one can take that away from you.
    However, I would seriously re-consider sending it to your mum. But that doens't take away the fact you've put in down on paper. Sometimes that in itself is enough to make you feel more clearly about the situation you're in. You can still say those things to your mum. Think how much more sincere it will sound. You could even read it out to her and then leave it at that.
    The problem with sending letters, and trust me I've done it myself, you can never get it back or change it or even say you misunderstood what you meant to say. It's a permanent record of how you feel right now, just think how powerful that is. I guarantee you won't always feel like you do today and perhaps in 6 or 12months you might regret sending it. However if you say it to her then there's no record of what you said. It seems to me you're looking for a way to communicate with your mum which is a good thing. I personally think the best way is to say it to somone.


    ---------- Post added at 22:18 ---------- Previous post was at 22:15 ----------

    rejection is probably my biggest fear because i get on really well with her as long as i don bring any of this up. i would be really gutted to lose the relationship i have with her at present

    Quote Originally Posted by Inconinmiss View Post
    I fully agree with the idea that you need to be able to be yourself without hiding. I went through the first 35 years of my life living a lie about my sexual orientation. Coming out produced many ramifications, not all of whithch were positive. But the positive benefits of becoming an honest man overshadowed the negative reactions that I received from a few people who were close to me.

    I also agree with abrim4's suggestion that you not send the letter. Tell your mother face to face. Don't let her (or anyone else) intimidate you or put you down. But face them when you tell them who you are. Be brave, bold and proud of your identity. You have every right in this world to be yourself.

    However, one thing to realize is that your family or some members of your family might banish you. That sometimes happens. Nevertheless, come hell or high water, you have the right to be yourself. And if your experience is anything like mine, the negative reactions of some others will be outweighed by the freedom that you gain. And not everybody's reaction will be negative. Not by any means! You'll be surprised by how much support and respect you receive.

  5. #5

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    The best thing to do in situations like this is ask yourself what the positives and negatives would be of telling them. If the best possible outcome outweighs the worst possible outcome then go for it, if it's the other way around, then don't.

    It sounds like your mother and you have a very strained relationship, so since your twenty would it not be worth your while waiting a year or two until you move out. Once you've moved out you won't be so reliant on your family, so telling them then might not be so hard on you.

  6. #6

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    Hi ya thanks for your comments I have a place of my own but my relationship / history with my family in particular my mum is rather complicated. so now i have my own it is easyer to a certain extent but there are still complications in the relationship.


    Quote Originally Posted by Talula View Post
    The best thing to do in situations like fear

    this is ask yourself what the positives and negatives would be of telling them. If the best possible outcome outweighs the worst possible outcome then go for it, if it's the other way around, then don't.

    It sounds like your mother and you have a very strained relationship, so since your twenty would it not be worth your while waiting a year or two until you move out. Once you've moved out you won't be so reliant on your family, so telling them then might not be so hard on you.

  7. #7

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    Hey Justice.. This subject is close to my heart.. Something that I has also been very difficult for me. You really have to make your own decision not if but when you tell your mother and the other people that matter in your life. Only you will know when and how it can be done. For me - it was a very emotional time, having already attended counselling to come to terms myself.

    I really hope it goes well for you. Take your time - however you MUST do it to be real and be fair to yourself.
    I'll be thinking of you when you do it matey

  8. #8

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    It is truly okay to be gay and your mother should accept you for who you are. Please just be patient, don't take her first reaction too close to heart if it's bad. She loves you and will understand you soon enough. You should love yourself and be proud of who you are. I really hope the best for you, please keep us updated.

  9. #9

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    This is one of the very difficult things that come along in life. My mom found my gay porn when I was in college, so that opened the discussion big time. She didn't like it, and it was very difficult for me. She also found my diapers, so life quickly became unbearable. Like you, she had been bugging me as to why I wasn't dating girls. Once she found the magazine, she suddenly knew, and knew why I was bringing my college roommate home to spend the night.

    I think I would approach your mom with a need to know philosophy. If she keeps bugging you about girls and you've finally had enough, just tell her that you don't feel attracted to girls. You don't have to go any further than that and she can draw her own conclusions. Short of that, you don't have to tell her anything. You could also tell her that you just didn't feel motivated to date, that relationships made you uncomfortable. There are all sorts of possibilities. Chose the one you are most comfortable with, and consider the future relationship you want to maintain with your mom. Only you really know how she would take the news.

    And as a parting salutation, remember the rock group Mott the Hoople who were made famous by their song, "All the young Dudes, Carry the News". You have to decide if you really want to carry the news.

  10. #10

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    Hi, Justice. I'll echo what others have said here: the wording of your letter rings true, and comes from the heart. I'm not gay, and I can't pretend to understand your situation, but being a fellow DL who had to "come out" to my wife gives me some appreciation for your dilemma.

    But at the end of the day all I can really offer you is what I do professionally: writing and editing. If you'd like a little help putting some polish on your letter--without changing the message or the fact that it comes from you--just let me know. It would be my honor.

    -RMS

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