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Thread: wife of AB/Dl in need of help...

  1. #1

    Default wife of AB/Dl in need of help...

    Hopefully this won't be offensive to anybody, but I don't really know where else to go.

    My husband is an AB/DL. I've slowly grown to live with it over the years, and pretend to be a willing participant, so we don't fight about it endlessly. It's a sore spot in our marriage. He doesn't enjoy "normal" sex anymore. He either has to have a diaper on, or I have to talk about him being a baby. He wants me to participate, and tells me what he wants. But when I try, he just gets all mad and pouty, and says it's not enough and that I'm unsupportive of him and his life. He yells. I try to capitulate. He knows I hate changing him, and even though I do it, he insists I learn to actually enjoy it, because it wrecks HIS experience. My feelings in the matter somehow don't matter at all. If I try to express myself at all, I'm just being a bad wife. It's all very ugly, and I've thought many, many times about divorce. The ONLY thing keeping me here are our kids. I feel very rejected as a spouse. I feel like he only married me to turn me into his "mommy," and now I'm stuck and alone.

    Anyway, I'm sorry for dumping all this on you guys, but I'm so desparate for help. I'm bawling as I write this. You guys have so many support networks online, but I can't find ANYTHING for spouses. NOTHING. I have a hard time believing that I'm the only one living through this and having issues. Councelling isn't an option, because he would have to watch the kids, and he would refuse to, because it would mean me telling someone else in our town about his diapers, and that would be completely unacceptable to him. I feel so isolated. PLEASE, if anyone has a wife or significant other out there who has found some sort of help or support or comeraderie of any kind in the world, please, please, PLEASE, let me know where they are.

    Thanks for any help

  2. #2

    Default

    Im not an Adult Baby, so i cant say from his prospective of things... But i think he has taken his fetish to far personally. He is a grown man and if he wants to act like a baby from time to time i see no problem in that. Your marriage though is a two way thing, if you are willing to please him then he should be willing to return the favor. Now apart from the bedroom, he is just as responsible for your kids as you are. I think you need to sit him down and really talk about this... You cant change him but you can make him see where you are coming from. In my opinion divorce is a quick solution these days, but not necessarily the right one. you really need to talk to him.

  3. #3

    Default

    We tend not to have dedicated support networks for spouses, but don't feel alone. I'd estimate that someone posts a thread with a various issue as a non-ABDL spouse every few months.

    First off, assuming your story is accurate (just trying to be non-biased), I don't think anyone here is going to seriously support your husband in this. Good relationships always involve give and take. When there are differences between spouses, there will naturally be a greater amount of give and take. In this case, it sounds like the relationship is, for him, all take and no give.

    I think the big issue here is that you allow him to control the debate. It isn't just that it's only about what he wants. He only says you need to be supportive of him. He never asks how he can be supportive of you. Etc.

    I think the obvious solution is to turn it around. If he says that you're unsupportive of him being an ABDL, tell him that he isn't being supportive of you not being one. So forth. But as you said, he says that you're being a bad wife if you do so. You could of course turn that around as well in the same manner, but I have the general impression that he sees a wife as having the duty to service him. Aside from this issue, does he have traditional views on marriage and gender roles?

    In any case, whatever the problem is, it isn't you. It's a problem between you and him. I really think you need some sort of mediation in order to solve this, since it seems he isn't willing to engage you in an equitable manner. If he doesn't want to tell someone else in the same town, fine. Go to a different town. I'm not sure I follow the logic of counseling not being an option, as I'm not sure why asking someone to watch the kids would necessitate telling them the details of doing so- just leave it at Me and my husband have an engagement or something such. If you have gossipy friends, make something up: a movie, a round of golf, a visit to the lawyer to do a periodic review of the wills, some sort of minor medical procedure involving sedation (like an endoscopy or sedation dentistry), etc. Or you could choose a close friend to watch the kids, and simply confide that you and your husband are going to counseling. A good friend will leave it at that. Don't tell him you've confided like such. Then when you drop the kids off, s/he won't ask questions, and your husband won't know you've told this person you're seeing a counselor.

    I don't blame you for thinking of divorce. Honestly, I wouldn't put TOO much emphasis on staying together for the kids, because if this is how he is as a husband, I tend to doubt he's winning any father of the year awards either (and as I mention later, I'd guess you'll have full custody or close to it). Perhaps the best path is to view that their are middle-ground options. Separation is something that might work, if you have the means to live separately for a period of time. That said, while I don't think divorce is an inevitability, it seems like a distinct possibility. The first thing you need to do is document EVERYTHING. What he asks you to do, what you say, how the argument goes. Have dates. Any threats (I'll leave you, You'd better, etc.) and emotional abuse ("You're not fulfuilling your duties as a wife."). What he's doing is clearly abusive, and not very far from qualifying as rape. Is this computer you're on secure? He can't see what you're doing on it? If so, good. Keep a .txt file hidden somewhere on it and maintain a journal (no matter how well you hide a word or notepad document will list it under recent documents). If not, get a notebook and keep it the old fashioned way. Make sure it's someplace he won't look, but won't be suspicious when you go there periodically. Somehow, the laundry room seems to me like a good starting point. If you have the means, contact a divorce lawyer for a consultation. You need to sit down with a professional for an hour or two, explain the situation, and ask for him to explain your rights. Ask if there's anything you should do if you decide for a divorce but before you tell him. To be quite honest, this sounds like a divorce case where you'll get the kids and a good part of his salary. He'll probably agree to any terms your lawyer asks for when the alternative is you discussion his sexual abusiveness and diaper fetish in open court.

    Those are my thoughts. Let me know if you have any more questions or want me to expound on anything.

  4. #4

    Default

    I really don't want to get a divorce. It crosses my mind often, but it's not where I want to go. We've known each other since high school, and apart from this have a good marriage. We have lots of other stuff in common. We never run out of stuff to talk about, and laugh a lot. We have disagreements, and stuff we would rather change in the other, but it's not out of line. He's a good father. He doesn't spend a ton of time at home, but the kids adore him. He works hard so I can stay at home with them while they're little.

    But in the bedroom, things are a total disaster, because of his fetish. It's compoletely taken over, and he's so extremely sensitive about it, I have to walk on eggshells, and we both wind up miserable. He is very much the dominant personality in our relationship, and he does have very conservative gender roles, which results in me losing every battle. We've talked about counselling or therapy, but he's always said he would refuse to go, because he thinks the whole problem is with ME not accepting him as a baby, and even genuinely enjoying it. I spend all day looking after little kids and changing diapers, so he thinks it should just come naturally. So he can't understand that when the kids go to bed each night I don't want to turn around and baby him - I want to be an adult WITH an adult. It's our only time alone, but he always wants to spend it as a baby, so I'm like a single parent all the time. It's extremely lonely. And I just don't get off on it, so sex is extremely one-sided. And then there's the fight that I always do it wrong, even though I do everything he says to. But that's a whole other horror story. He has this fantasy where I find a new "husband" and he watches us have sex while he's a baby in a poopy diaper. I would never do it, because that, to me, is infidelity, and I think it would bring serious, irreversable problems to the marriage. But sometimes I think it would be nice just to remind me what it's like to be with an actual man.

    Really, I just need someone to talk to who understands what I'm going through. We live in a remote town. He would never allow me to tell any therapist for miles around that he does what he does, because he has a somewhat public job, in a position of authority, and would be afraid of anyone knowing - even within a confidential therapy relationship. I'm stuck, and completely alone. So really, if anyone knows of a support place where their wives or girlfriends go to, I would really, really appreciate it.

    Thanks

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Sad View Post
    But in the bedroom, things are a total disaster, because of his fetish. It's compoletely taken over
    And here lies the problem, it's not that he has a fetish but that he only wants you to satisfy his fetish and doesn't seem concerned about putting you off or doing what you'd like. It's all about give and take and he needs to understand this, it seems you accept this side of him even if you don't like to participate (but you still do anyway which is very good of you, so never let him make you feel like a bad wife because there are people here who would kill to have their spouse do what you do) but I feel you need to balance the power out in the bedroom otherwise these feelings could grow and ultimately cause your marriage to fail which is obviously what neither of you want.

    Try and have an open discussion where you let him know how you feel and what you'd like to happen. If after that he still doesn't want to do anything else in the bedroom then you have to wonder whether it's worth marriage counselling because without a healthy bedroom life you can't have a healthy marriage, unfortunately this may be the only place where you will get the support you desire without confiding in a friend or relative (outside of this forum) and if he won't go to counselling because of his job then sadly a divorce may be your last resort.

  6. #6

    Default

    your husband do's not sound like a nice person to me my thoughts my be irrelevant as i am only 22 but i think any relationship needs to be reciprocated by both people and he do's not sound to be very thought full of your sexual or your emotional needs me and my boy friend are both AB but they are things he likes to do with in the confines of AB that i don't enjoy partaking in but i do them for two reasons :
    one
    it makes his experience more enjoyable
    two
    if i do the things for him then he do's things that i like that he doesn't

    surely that should be the same for all relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by Sad View Post
    Hopefully this won't be offensive to anybody, but I don't really know where else to go.

    My husband is an AB/DL. I've slowly grown to live with it over the years, and pretend to be a willing participant, so we don't fight about it endlessly. It's a sore spot in our marriage. He doesn't enjoy "normal" sex anymore. He either has to have a diaper on, or I have to talk about him being a baby. He wants me to participate, and tells me what he wants. But when I try, he just gets all mad and pouty, and says it's not enough and that I'm unsupportive of him and his life. He yells. I try to capitulate. He knows I hate changing him, and even though I do it, he insists I learn to actually enjoy it, because it wrecks HIS experience. My feelings in the matter somehow don't matter at all. If I try to express myself at all, I'm just being a bad wife. It's all very ugly, and I've thought many, many times about divorce. The ONLY thing keeping me here are our kids. I feel very rejected as a spouse. I feel like he only married me to turn me into his "mommy," and now I'm stuck and alone.

    Anyway, I'm sorry for dumping all this on you guys, but I'm so desparate for help. I'm bawling as I write this. You guys have so many support networks online, but I can't find ANYTHING for spouses. NOTHING. I have a hard time believing that I'm the only one living through this and having issues. Councelling isn't an option, because he would have to watch the kids, and he would refuse to, because it would mean me telling someone else in our town about his diapers, and that would be completely unacceptable to him. I feel so isolated. PLEASE, if anyone has a wife or significant other out there who has found some sort of help or support or comeraderie of any kind in the world, please, please, PLEASE, let me know where they are.

    Thanks for any help

  7. #7

    Default

    Sad,

    Both you and your husband will be in our prayers. Like you say, there isn't always a sunny side to our lifestyle. It depends on the character of the person with the lifestyle, of coarse.

    HokieABDL

  8. #8
    Cherub

    Default

    It sounds like he believes he's got you trapped on all sides. However, if he has this 'somewhat public' job, then the last thing he wants is for any of his Infantilistic desires to be public in any way. To me, this sounds very much like an achilles heel. Although he has a facade of being a wonderful person on the outside to the public. Because of this, you ultimately hold the power trump card in this relationship. As NightFox said, keep a journal record of these events, they will serve you well should you need them. Trust me, even if all you do is get a consultation from someone, having the facts in front of you will help you to remember everything you need to remember.

    it seems to me that if someone is as force minded as he sounds to be, then perhaps the only way to get through to him on any level is to first have a calm, but direct talk with him. Let him see the reality of which way the chips could fall if he insists on his current course of behavior. Of course let him know how much you do love him, but don't be afraid to also show him that you have both the ability and power to stand up for yourself. Hopefully that will be enough to get him to change his attitude 'in the bedroom'.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dlCherub View Post
    Let him see the reality of which way the chips could fall if he insists on his current course of behavior. Of course let him know how much you do love him, but don't be afraid to also show him that you have both the ability and power to stand up for yourself. Hopefully that will be enough to get him to change his attitude 'in the bedroom'.
    Hmm, those kind of "threats" can turn really ugly, really fast, with a risk that he stops *all* "activity" in the bedroom, or even worse, has it with someone else!

  10. #10

    Default

    Hello, sad. You seem like you need a hug, so, *hugs you*

    I've not read the above posts because I'm feeling lazy at the moment, so sorry if I repeat anything.

    That being said. I think you should sit down with your husband, and in a calm and open manner, repeat or even read out what you typed in the opening post, or even just show him this whole thread, he's an AB, and we're an AB/DL support community. It’s completely unfair for someone to selfishly force their own personal desires onto someone else, especially somebody you are in a relationship with, without making sure they are okay with it too.

    It's a relationship and as far as I'm concerned BOTH people need to okay the whole AB/DL thing, and if the other person is not happy then that's just too bad. Of course saying that, I have not heard his side of the story, perhaps he feel's you are okay with it, have you ever told him you're not comfortable with it? Could there be a compromise where you both reciprocate each other’s sexual desires equally, even on a rota type basis?

    Either way you are clearly not happy, and thus the relationship is not happy and therefore you are both not happy (even if one does not know about it). It is however completely unacceptable to force you to do something you don't want to, tell him you don't like it and it has to stop, come up with a fair agreement, or give him the ultimatum of ‘it's me or the diapers’. However the first step is to TALK, while being HONEST, and keeping CALM. And see where it goes from there.

    Hope this helps you
    Last edited by BerkoBear; 10-Jan-2012 at 22:43.

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