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Thread: A Prediciment

  1. #1

    Default A Prediciment

    Hello everyone,

    It has been quite some time since I have posted a thread, however I do have a bit on my mind I would like to throw out there.

    I have changed enormously in the last year. I have done fantastic in school (Being in the top 5% of the university), gotten involved in my school and community, made a ton of friends, and have fallen in love with the Chinese language and culture after having lived there for a month this summer.

    Given this growth in the last year I have had some events happen to me that, before college, I thought wouldn't happen. I have had girls actually take a liking to me (as more than just friends). There is this girl right now who is a pretty good friend of mine. We hang out a lot and I can tell that she is starting to like me as more than a friend. I sort of like her as well, but not 100%. I have thought to myself "What if she asks me, do you like me" or anything along those lines? I don't want to say "No I don't feel the same way", because I sort of do, but I don't want to say yes, because I don't 100%. You follow so far?

    The idea popped into my mind of "Just accept her offer when it comes and develop feelings as time progresses". However, there is no way that could end well for either of us.

    My reasoning for the previous suggestion came out of an experience of mine in China, specifically in Beijing. Long story short I met a girl from London there, who I soon learned was literally me in female form. This girl was pretty, intelligent, tri lingual, and had a fantastic personality. It ended up turning into a "Titanic esq" friendship. We went exploring Beijing with each other everyday and texted every night when we were both in our countryside locations. Needless to say, I "fell in love" with this girl. But, there was no way a long distance relationship (me in Detroit and her in London/Hong Kong) could have worked out. Long story short (again)...We skyped a lot when we went back to our countries, but now she does not want to chat, skype, message, etc with me anymore (no reason given). To sum this story up, this girl was "The girl of my dreams". She was everything I ever wanted.

    The entire point to that story was to relate it back to my present situation. I want to tell this new girl that I like her if she says it to me, just so that I don't loose out on an opportunity so to say. It is odd...I really do want to be in a relationship, but when the time comes for one I start to second guess it, then I fear loosing it.

    My question to all of you is this: Is committing to a relationship when you aren't 100% on board with it just asking for trouble? And... has anyone ever had an experience like any of mine listed? (I would especially like to hear one of your experiences of going overseas and falling in love if any of you have one)?


    Thank you for your responses and for your time

  2. #2

    Default

    Who says you have to know what you want and that you'll be on-board 100% of the time?
    And who says things will work out, even if you are 100% committed?

    What if you just took it easy? Relationships come and go--even the longer ones--so why worry about possible loss? Just focus on the present, and enjoy things for what they are. It may hurt to make a mistake--but realize they are inevitable and part of life. When you make one, learn from it--just don't get so worked up over the chance of making one before you even try. Few of us get so lucky on the first shot.

    And as far as letting out information goes...just start it like any other friendship. Put out as much of yourself as you can! Be YOU. Romantic relationships, from my current experiences, are more like friendships with a few extra (intimate) things attached. In fact, in my own experiences honesty has been the most important factor. We still need to be able to talk and be honest with each other, like friends--and if we cannot do this, then why would we be friends, let alone romantic partners?

  3. #3

    Default

    First and foremost I welcome you back on this site and pleasure my assistance on yet another one of your life questioning threads.

    Secondly, the term relationship and connection are very complicated for me now since it is really hard to define it on a person to person basis. For me, I am currently associated with this guy on campus. We have slept and have had sexual relations and it is hard to describe the situation because although I wouldn't see myself in a visible homosexual relationship with him, I feel that I care enough for him that it will slowly develop. In your case, I see somewhat of the same reaction and all I can say is that if you want a 100% commitment and spark that you had with your girl from London/China, then you can't expect that out of every girl. But at the same time if you feel that an opportunity can arise with this current girl then I would feel that it is an opportunity that you cannot lose. You two seem like you have a good friendship base so far and I feel as though your feelings are not 100% but you are not detested in the prospect of dating her. If there is at least something, I would personally say that that would be good enough to not let it distract you and not to overthink the situation and let time do its course. At the end of the day you don't have anything to lose at the current moment of time because she is very close to you. Whatever the course of action is decided I wish best of luck to you to whatever degree makes you content and fulfilled.

  4. #4

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    Relationships are one of those things where you just have to kind of let the chips fall where they may. Don't go into it worrying about losing it, that will make you liable to do stupid things. If you actually like this girl then try it and see what happens...if you don't feel that strongly for her, then let it pass. This is your decision alone as to whether you think she's "right" for you. Don't hold her up to any idealized person for comparison, such as the girl from your fifth paragraph. Accept her on her own terms as she is. And if you think this possible future relationship is something that will compliment your life, then go for it. Be a good partner, but there's no need to treat it as a deathly serious sort of thing, there's no need to rush or stress out, you're kind of trying each other out at this point. You'll either wind up falling deeply in love with each other, or strongly disliking each other, or somewhere in between. Whatever experience you take away from it will be helpful for your own personal growth. I wish you all the best.
    Beyond the two things I stressed to not do, I don't think you can actually make a mistake here in the grand scheme of things, whichever way you go with it.
    Last edited by plenka; 25-Nov-2011 at 06:22.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by diaperedteenager View Post
    Long story short I met a girl from London there, who I soon learned was literally me in female form. This girl was pretty, intelligent, tri lingual, and had a fantastic personality. It ended up turning into a "Titanic esq" friendship. We went exploring Beijing with each other everyday and texted every night when we were both in our countryside locations. Needless to say, I "fell in love" with this girl. But, there was no way a long distance relationship (me in Detroit and her in London/Hong Kong) could have worked out. Long story short (again)...We skyped a lot when we went back to our countries, but now she does not want to chat, skype, message, etc with me anymore (no reason given). To sum this story up, this girl was "The girl of my dreams". She was everything I ever wanted.
    While I know this isn't what you're asking about, I'm going to guess that she can't stand being "just friends" because she wants more. So being nothing is probably less painful.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by NightFox View Post
    While I know this isn't what you're asking about, I'm going to guess that she can't stand being "just friends" because she wants more. So being nothing is probably less painful.
    On the contrary. I eventually told her about my feelings for her via Skype, once I was back stateside. She basically said that while she had a good time with me, she never considered me as more than a friend. She eventually blocked me on Skype, limited my access of Facebook, etc. I was never to the point where I would be annoying her or anything like that. My assumption is that maybe me telling her was something that she just decided to say "alright, enough of this guy", but I am not sure. Nonetheless, we aren't really friends anymore. It does bother me a little bit, since I have no idea what I did/why this happened, but I don't really care. I have the memories that were made with her and the pictures we took together so that is satisfaction enough for me.

    In regards to the other responses, I think you are all right. I don't really have anything to loose, only experience to gain. I could always just enter into a relationship with this girl (classmate) and take it from there. If something happens it happens, if not it doesn't.

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