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Thread: My conclusion.

  1. #1

    Default My conclusion.

    As I stare at this screen in front of me I can't believe what I'm about to do. Words inching themselves further along the screen creeping closer and closer to exposing myself for all that I'm worth. I feel like this is something that has been brewing inside my head for a long time and coming. My hands, the tools of my destruction and yet I can only count on one of them, the people who know what I'm about to reveal. Why I've waited so long really only comes down to one thing, fear. I didn't know if it would change anything, how people would perceive me after they finally knew the truth.

    Consider this my way of finally confronting what I've tried to deny myself for years. I am not perfect by any means. That reputation count you see on the left is not true to me. The gold is nice and shiny indeed but if you were to rub it down raw I'm sure of the fact you would find black. I rhymed that shit, ha! I am a wolf in sheep's clothing, there's no denying that.

    This all traces back to when I first joined this fine group of people before me. For me personally it feels like there's no other outlet where I can share this in confidence. My life story, when I came forward with that I intentionally left out some parts that I kept hidden between the cracks. It didn't feel right, everything was too soon. Now? Well now is the time otherwise you wouldn't be reading this, now would you?

    *puts some Burial tunes on*

    I have a dark side that tries to creep back into my life every opportunity it can. Unfortunately for it, I'm not the same person I was years ago. Believe it or not but a story like this actually does involve some diaper elements in it. Enter, private chat room "diapers" on AOL. I was about twenty or twenty one at the time when this all developed into what it did. By no means was I alone either, my best friend in the chat room during those times was a guy named Min with the screen name "winnie da p0oh". Min was not your stereotype ab/dl by a longshot and I sure as hell wasn't either. Probably a big factor that played in our favor as to why we got along so well. During those times I had a hard time keeping a steady job where it eventually left me with no decision but to find a cheaper means of living. My friend Min offered me a business opportunity to train under him and put our collective profits together. Not having anything else to fall back on, I agreed with hesitation.

    When I did eventually arrive in Colorado Springs, CO. our first order was to setup a place of business. Min wanted to expand and I needed a place to live so it only made sense to do just that. We went in on a apartment together and quickly got to work setting up our office. What was our business exactly? High profile spammers. No, I'm not proud of it but at that time I did whatever it took to survive so please don't judge me for something I've already judged myself for. I want to emphasize on the point that Min was NOT just any spammer. This kid could build custom scripts and programs like no one's business. He was at the top of his game when it came to just about anything that involved a computer. I have proof of this that I will share at the end but for now keep reading because I haven't even begun to get into the juicy bits.

    Profits started to pour in and I soaked up any piece of information he had to offer, we spent our leisure times literally smoking said profits away.

    When I need relief I spell it THC
    perhaps you may know vaguely what I mean
    I sit back and smoke away huge chunks of memory
    As I slowly inflict upon myself a full lobotomy - call it pointless.


    I wish I could say this was my stopping point because it would certainly makes thing easier but once again I regret to inform you that it's not. Patience my child.

    Lets face it, making money and smoking eventually does get old. We eventually ventured out for more entertainment and found ourselves new regulars at the local Cyber Cafe. Counterstrike was our poison. It felt like the only thing people did in The Springs for entertainment was exactly that. Work, smoke, drink, eat, and counterstrike. It wasn't until we started to become friends with our local drug dealer that things took a turn for the worse. Of course none of us could possibly see it coming but it did all thanks to greed. Min wanted to expand his profits so he got involved in the local pot business venture by helping out with fronting money for pot. For those that don't know but when you do that you get a nice percentage of profit out of it so it only made sense for him to go forward with it. It didn't take long for our home to become the home of our dealer. One friend led to a next and one drug led to another. What started with simple weed turned into ecstasy pills which turned into coke and eventually led to guns. I'm ashamed to admit it but I should mention that not only were we heavily involved in selling but we were also partaking any chance we had.

    It wasn't until I came home one day and saw over four hundred pills of ecstasy spread out over the coffee table that I started to snap back into reality that this was becoming too much. Our bathtub wasn't even a place one could relax anymore as it was occupied with weed trimmings full to the brim. One thing was true at this time for me. I had a ton of money but I was not happy at all. I hated myself for what I had allowed myself to become and that hatred poured into my spores as it infected everyone around me. All this on top of the fact I had my first drug addiction ever, to coke of all things. No other drug could give me the feeling that it provided so everything else was weak in comparison. All this drug use never did anything to truly benefit me though because after it all wore off I still hated myself. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't live my life in fear. It felt like it was only a matter of time until we were caught and then it would be too late. Trust was a fucking joke to me. I didn't believe in it, hell I could barely trust myself.

    A vivid memory that still haunts me to this day. I remember when Min got the idea in his head that he wanted to be the drug lords of Colorado. To do that though we had to send a message. He came up with the plan to setup a fake drug deal with our competition. The catch being having a friend waiting at the location of the pick up with guns ready to be drawn. The plan went flawless. It was setup to look like we both were robbed for everything we had but they didn't know that, not until we laughed in their faces later telling them to consider themselves out of business as of now. Mental eh? Yeah. I have to live with that.

    To say we were out of control really puts it lightly. Every day was like a party to us. The only friends we had were working for us now but were soon taken capture by the power of greed. This story isn't about them though so let's continue. You're probably asking yourself at this point so what did it take for you to wake the fuck up? It wasn't until my partner broke up with me that I was forced to look at myself. He would often argue with me that I wasn't the same person he originally fell in love with. No way in hell did I agree though, too damn blind by my coke addiction that refused to let go. Like it was said earlier though, that high can only last so long and eventually I did find myself hitting rock bottom. The conversation I had with a wolf poster one night shortly after that under the influence of shrooms didn't help either. The wolf basically told me that I need to watch my back and get out while I still can. Your friends are your enemies.

    At that point I locked myself out from the world. I went into cave mode not wanting anything to do with anyone. I struggled with withdrawal on my own terms. When I overcame those inner demons the only thing left for me to do was to get out. I had to drive focus back into what or who was originally important to me. That person was Noname. I wanted him back and told myself to do just that. Before I set the plan in motion though I decided to needed to get away from here to give myself some time to think. Why I decided to go to a fur con up in Seattle, I do not know. When I eventually returned I was not emotionally prepared to see what waited for me. I found my Siberian Husky pup locked away in her kennel, traces of blood dried up in her fur. The no mistaking smell of shit in the air following with the piercing cries coming from her cage. I snapped. If I wasn't broken before, I was now. To know my own selfish lifestyle and bad habits put her at risk was the final driving point. Now I truly knew where Noname was coming from.

    *sits back to think on that* ...damn.

    No one was home at the time when I was so I quickly packed all my junk up and left. I called Min to tell him I was done with everything.

    "No I won't ever turn you in, just leave me out of all involvement. It was fun while it lasted but I just can't do this anymore. Too many people are being hurt because of me and I can't continue on like this".

    *click*

    It didn't take long for the death threats to start pouring in. I tack it up to paranoia which I should of saw coming. I was basically told if they ever saw me again to consider myself dead. What started with death threats though soon turned into personal attacks along the lines of diaper freak. I guess Min decided to expose my secret to everyone to make himself look like some kind of hero even though he was only kidding himself. A true friend.

    So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: That there is no conclusion. When I thought my life was truly over I still managed to turn it around. I didn't give up when times were at their darkest hour. There's not a day that goes by where I don't look back on how incredibly lucky I am. I should of went to prison in my eyes. Someone was looking after me and for that I am thankful. Noname and myself eventually did start over as most of you know. You won't find me ever taking him for granted again and if you do you have my personal permission to smack the shit out of me.

    As for Min? Well he did eventually get caught. Surprisingly not for drugs though. I'm not sure what exactly happened there but the focus of his arrest was mainly due to his record keeping of high profits all due to spam. Don't believe me? Proof.

    I learned from a favorite movie of mine that it's always good to end with a quote. If someone else has already said it best, steal from them and go out strong.

    Forgotten throes at anothers lie
    The heart of love is their only light
    Faithless greeds consolidating
    Holding down sweet charity

    With western eyes and serpent's breath
    We lay our own conscience to rest
    - Portishead


    Thanks for your time everyone.

  2. #2

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    I'm glad your out of the business -- that must be really freeing. And I'm glad things are turning around for you now. You could have ended up in Min's shoes.

  3. #3

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    I remember that chat room on AOL, and I remember that screen name, 'winnie da p0oh'. It has been a long time ago.

    Statik, you've taken a tough road. The best thing you've done is realizing what you were doing and being hard enough on yourself to make the tough choice to get out. Nobody can fault you for getting out.

    Personally, I think we have seen the real Statik here, as opposed to the facade that went up. Keep moving forward my friend, one foot in front of the other, bit by bit.

  4. #4

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    Wow, and...lucky isn't the half of it..."I've seen too much, but I lost my mind...so, now I don't know it anymore"...:-) Perspectives huh? Thank you for sharing...your written expression is right up there with awesome, and phenomenal! ...and good job getting out of there! ...remembering the Garden of the gods too...

    -Marka

  5. #5

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    Im so proud of you for finally sharing all of this and being able to turn your life around. I know its a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. I am so honored to say I can really see how far you have come. Love you Statik

  6. #6

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    There are many of us who have darkness in our closets. I've done things in my younger life that I dearly would like to take back. I can't, and so I must carry them, concealed in the shadows. It's important to remember that circumstances brought you do that terrible place, probably circumstances that were beyond your control.

    I didn't ask to be the person I was. I had a rough beginning in life, was bullied, and some would say, brutalized. Eventually, drugs and alcohol would become my slow suicide of choice. Like you, some greater power saved me, so that I would eventually help others, and have something meaningful to contribute.

    I hope you won't be hard on yourself. The important thing is to go on, and grow. I believe we were put on this earth to learn some important lessons, things we will use in the life after this one. Sounds to me like you are well on your way.

  7. #7

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    I'm in that boat too, I have a few skeletons too in my closet that I had to rise up from and learn how to handle myself and do what I have done for the past seven years. I am glad you got out of that stuff and didn't get caught with that stuff. Keep doing what your doing and life will get better as it goes on and on. Life is hard.

    And I do know about people who you think are your friends, but they aren't sometimes. I know how hard that can be as well. Dude, just keep up what you're doing and life will get better as it goes on.

    WildThing121675

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by slim View Post
    I'm glad your out of the business -- that must be really freeing. And I'm glad things are turning around for you now. You could have ended up in Min's shoes.
    Well it is 2011 now so things have been turned around for quite some time. It's just one of those things that will forever remain in the back of my mind.



    Quote Originally Posted by AnalogRTO View Post
    I remember that chat room on AOL, and I remember that screen name, 'winnie da p0oh'. It has been a long time ago.

    Statik, you've taken a tough road. The best thing you've done is realizing what you were doing and being hard enough on yourself to make the tough choice to get out. Nobody can fault you for getting out.

    Personally, I think we have seen the real Statik here, as opposed to the facade that went up. Keep moving forward my friend, one foot in front of the other, bit by bit.
    Thank you for mentioning that you remember all that, helps me sell my story as not being fake. I know to the average eye it comes across far fetched but I've never been much of a liar. People still doubt me all the time though and their entitled to that because I know the truth and that's all that matters to me. A facade. Yeah I'll agree to an extent.



    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    Wow, and...lucky isn't the half of it..."I've seen too much, but I lost my mind...so, now I don't know it anymore"...:-) Perspectives huh? Thank you for sharing...your written expression is right up there with awesome, and phenomenal! ...and good job getting out of there! ...remembering the Garden of the gods too...

    -Marka
    Nice quote. Thanks so much for the compliment on my writing. I love when someone takes notice of the extra effort I put into things that are important to me. I usually hate what I write and battle OCD demons inside my head clawing at the flesh for a chance to escape. This time though? Not the case. I'm very proud of the way I presented myself, it's almost unbelievable even to me that I accomplished this.



    Quote Originally Posted by Kitats View Post
    Im so proud of you for finally sharing all of this and being able to turn your life around. I know its a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. I am so honored to say I can really see how far you have come. Love you Statik
    You had the mini clip note version and now you have the full on directors cut with extra popcorn on the side. A huge weight indeed. Gone forever but never forgotten. <3!



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    There are many of us who have darkness in our closets. I've done things in my younger life that I dearly would like to take back. I can't, and so I must carry them, concealed in the shadows. It's important to remember that circumstances brought you do that terrible place, probably circumstances that were beyond your control.

    I didn't ask to be the person I was. I had a rough beginning in life, was bullied, and some would say, brutalized. Eventually, drugs and alcohol would become my slow suicide of choice. Like you, some greater power saved me, so that I would eventually help others, and have something meaningful to contribute.

    I hope you won't be hard on yourself. The important thing is to go on, and grow. I believe we were put on this earth to learn some important lessons, things we will use in the life after this one. Sounds to me like you are well on your way.
    I don't feel like I'm being hard on myself honestly. This is just how I choose to express myself, you should know this by now. I don't like writing with a stale approach, I aim to dig deeper, to really let those emotions flow. Like I said earlier this all happened years ago, that time has come and gone. You're right it's important to learn as much as one can possibly can. Too many times have I seen instances of people who were given such chances but take them for granted. Again, you're right. Well on my way and this time I'm not alone because family is everything.



    Quote Originally Posted by WildThing121675 View Post
    I'm in that boat too, I have a few skeletons too in my closet that I had to rise up from and learn how to handle myself and do what I have done for the past seven years. I am glad you got out of that stuff and didn't get caught with that stuff. Keep doing what your doing and life will get better as it goes on and on. Life is hard.

    And I do know about people who you think are your friends, but they aren't sometimes. I know how hard that can be as well. Dude, just keep up what you're doing and life will get better as it goes on.

    WildThing121675
    Drugs changes people. Money changes people. Greed changes people. When you're riding a high of all the above it takes me by no surprise when I look back at everything that happened. I'm just glad I got out. Life already is better, it has been for years.

    ....

    UPDATE: I want to make it clear that my reasoning behind sharing this is very hard for me to pinpoint exactly. If I had to though more than anything I would say it reflects on the fact that I don't ever want to forget to remain humble. Just because I survived all this or led quite an interesting life does not make me better than anyone. I'm only better to myself, the only competition that matters to me.

    Personally I never thought I see the day where I opened myself up like this. This is very last skeleton. At this point you now know pretty much everything that I've tried to keep buried. This kind of worries me though because I'm not sure I'll ever be able to top what I've written here. Like everything else though, I'll cross that hurdle when it comes. For now I'm just going to continue to blask in the glow that my demons are on their way out to being evicted.

  9. #9

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    Here's another nice quote... "I usually hate what I write and battle OCD demons inside my head clawing at the flesh for a chance to escape."

    ...that sounds a familiar feeling...

    ...and 'here-here' to this ..."...I don't ever want to forget to remain humble." neither do I my friend, if I may...

    I didn't intend an article...in 'Quick Reply'...no less... however, I see much this writing has to offer...beyond the carefully sculpted expression...there is accounting of self, hope, possibilities...and if by chance your reasoning is to gain

    forgiveness...or to test and see if you really are worthy, likeable...to shed that feeling of an imposter...etc

    "...I want to make it clear that my reasoning behind sharing this is very hard for me to pinpoint exactly."

    It may be easier to answer/pinpoint 'why-not' share this...perhaps it was simply the 'right' thing to do, at this time, in this place...

    *I haven't been relieved of my OCD...the CRS, and ADD...tend to disrupt it...

    -Marka

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