Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Thread: Moving in together - working it out

  1. #1

    Default Moving in together - working it out

    we are reposting from the greetings forum to hopefully hear some more experiences on how to live together while not sharing the fetish.

    I am writing this together with my girlfriend. I would label myself as a diaper lover, meaning I am only into the diaper side of the fetish and my girlfriend is not. I like the feeling of wearing a diaper, I cannot exactly explain why, since I have liked it as long as I remember. I get aroused by wetting the diaper, so I also masturbate wearing them. I dont feel like a kid, but I makes me secure and safe in some way. So my desire is kind of split between the nice safe/secure feeling and more importantly my sexual attraction to wearing diapers.
    My fetish has always been a part of me, however, it is not the biggest part of my life. I get the desire ones in a while, and a couple of times each month I will use diapers. I know that my fetish can be very imposing on others, and the last thing that I want is for my girlfriend to feel uncomfortable, since that would make me feel bad and uncomfortable with the situation myself. I dont have any specific expectations on how to make it work living together, I just know that I ones in a while will need some time with my fetish.

    We have been dating for over 18 months and we both want to live together in the near future but we are not sure how to make it work in practice as we do not share the fetish. We have tried to talk it over during the past 6-12 months without reaching any conclusion. We both want to be very understanding, but it is difficult to set the personal boundaries of how it might work in practice.
    We both agree that we have a fantastic sex life, but my rather 'extreme' fetish has made it a bit more difficult to talk about our mutual sexual desires.
    Therefore, we are wondering if anyone wants to share their practical experience on the matter? We have red all the gloom and doom stories and since we want to work it out we are interested in hearing some more positive stories of couples' experiences and would be much appreciated.

    The Girlfriend: I found out about his fetish by "accident" which means that instead of him telling me I found a wet diaper in his bed one night which was quite a chock to me, since I have never really considered diapers to be sexually and as I do not have any fetishes myself. So it has taken some getting use to the thought of my boyfriend having this desire. My difficulty, you could say, with the fetish is that it is not something that I feel like being part of as I only relate diapers to babies/children, which is why using them sexually would be crossing my boundaries. Moreover, I have to say that I am also afraid that watching my boyfriend in action with his fetish, would change the way I perceive him - as a man - and that would make me very sad. Right now I am at a stage where I feel like I want to and can accept him having the fetish and having it to himself - my only fear is that if I do not engage in it at some point (which I cannot see my self do) he might seek to live out his fantasy with other people. - if anyone has some thoughts/experience about this, it will be much appreciated!

    Thank you.

  2. #2

    Default

    For both of you: the key is boundaries. Say it with me: boundaries. Good. Now what does that mean? For her: this is a part of him, and a part of him that he probably couldn't get rid of if he wanted to. At the very least, that's something you need to honestly accept- not tolerate, accept- as a part of him if things are going to work. If not, then it's really just a matter of time until one way or another, it comes between you. That said, it doesn't mean you need to be included. You need to give him the space he needs to practice his fetish without you. Sit down, ask him what he would need. Work out a system where he can have time without you to wear a diaper. Maybe he gets home from work a few hours before you, and he agrees that's diaper time. In return, he promises to wear pants (of some sort) should he still be wearing it when you get home, and he agrees to excuse himself to change after kissing your cheek and asking about your day. Work out a phrase that means "I'm wearing a diaper, excuse me to get cleaned off." Maybe that would work, maybe not. Find a way to carve out time for him. Honestly, this could work out for both, as I'm sure you would appreciate some personal time carved out for you. Him: Realize that this is your thing and distinctly not hers. She respects your right to wear diapers on your own time, you need to respect her wishes that you be modest about it. Both of you need to compromise to an extent what you want for this to work. For the time being, that's going to mean no exposure of this to her at all. Set a few ground rules for how you'll work it: this is the dresser drawer where your diapers are kept, this is when and how you'll buy them and bring them home, this is how you'll dispose of them after using and clean yourself afterward. Both: I assume that he also enjoys sleeping in diapers? If so, buy some adult pull-up style diapers (Depend Super Plus Absorbency Underwear for Men, by the Case). If you wear them under a pair of boxer shorts or pajama bottoms, she'll be none-the-wiser unless she goes reaching in. Still, be sure she knows explicitly that you're doing this. Also, in such instances, no wetting them. Once she's adjusted to that practice, then talk about it (girl, don't worry, I can assure you that they won't leak unless he has absolutely no restraint).

    As for the future of your relationship, that's really up to you. Her: Can I ask, how long ago did you discover this? It sounds like it may have been somewhat recent (last few months or so). If so, there's certainly a degree of shock to this which you need to let wear off. You also need to realize that in a relationship, there are three sets of needs- yours, his, and the relationships. If yours and his are at odds, it can't simply be your way or the highway. It won't last. Over time, you may have to grow comfortable (accepting I think is the bare minimum for the relationship to work) with this. Perhaps he can discretely wear around the house, I don't know. You'll have to ask him what he holds is important. But the thing is with relationships, people are package deals. We can't pick and choose which parts of our partners we love and cherish- that's cheating both of you of the kind of love you both deserve. What's important is validation. Think of it like this- I came out to my parents as bisexual a few years back. Our relationship sucked for a good while, they weren't comfortable with it (and were barely accepting), but now we're at a point where they accept it as a part of me. To be honest, we rarely ever talk about it, and the fact I'm engaged to a girl means it's an issue that's never forced up. But I know that they accept it as a part of me. When you love someone, you can't want them as anything other than what they are. And that's where I feel the relationship is now. Also, he really, really should have told you about this rather than have you find out as you did. Well, he didn't. Know that the reason was probably nothing more than love- that he values his relationship with you at least as much as he does diapers, and that's a tear in him. He can't give up diapers and won't give up you. Realize that if you make him make that choice, won't is easier to break than can't. Him: You need to decide what you want out of a a relationship in terms of diapers. There actually are people in stable mutally-ABDL relationships. Will you always see them places like here and regret that yours isn't that? Perhaps your relationship gets to the point where you can wear diapers and be accepted for that- which is where I'd say it probably needs to get- but there's a strong to nearly certain possibility it'll never go further. You need to honestly not desire anything more than unconditional love and acceptance for your true self. If you're secretly hoping that you'll have diaper sex one day, you're going to be extremely disappointed- and perhaps at a point in your relationship where you're in deep. You need to respect her boundaries, whatever they are. If she gives you room to practice your love of diapers, then you need to respect the level of modesty she asks for in return. She could have left you. She didn't. She's obviously willing to do what needs to be done to make the relationship work. You need to be willing to do the same. Both: I imagine you haven't had many long heartfelt talks about this. If you haven't, it's time to do that. You can't accept this as a part of him if you aren't willing to let him open up emotionally about it. [If you have, then I apologize.] I think that's the biggest step that needs to happen in going forward.

  3. #3

    Default

    Great thread, I'm watching the responses, in a similar situation!

    NightFox, very helpful post.

  4. #4

    Default

    All I can add is from my own personal experience. My wife accepts my usage, but doesn't participate. There are nights I wear to bed and there are more nights I don't. I may wear on Saturday during the day, or like today, I might not. I think you can work out some sort of plan where he wears one night, but not on others. Since he said that he may only want to wear twice a month, or even once a week, I don't see it as much of a problem. Like Nightfox said, sometimes each of you having your own "alone time" might be a very desirable thing.

    I think you're now at the stage where you need to discuss this, and come up with a plan of action. You can work this out to both of your satisfaction.

  5. #5

    Default

    Thanks for this thread and what's been said so far, very interesting to read!

    I'm in a kinda similar situation, and will be even more so soon when I "come out" to my girlfriend about this fetish.

    On top of the obvious similarity that I'm Danish as well, this paragraph pretty much could have been written by me:


    Quote Originally Posted by 163003 View Post
    I would label myself as a diaper lover, meaning I am only into the diaper side of the fetish and my girlfriend is not. I like the feeling of wearing a diaper, I cannot exactly explain why, since I have liked it as long as I remember. I get aroused by wetting the diaper, so I also masturbate wearing them. I dont feel like a kid, but I makes me secure and safe in some way. So my desire is kind of split between the nice safe/secure feeling and more importantly my sexual attraction to wearing diapers.
    My fetish has always been a part of me, however, it is not the biggest part of my life. I get the desire ones in a while, and a couple of times each month I will use diapers. I know that my fetish can be very imposing on others, and the last thing that I want is for my girlfriend to feel uncomfortable, since that would make me feel bad and uncomfortable with the situation myself. I dont have any specific expectations on how to make it work living together, I just know that I ones in a while will need some time with my fetish.
    Main differences:

    - I haven’t worn at all since spring this year cos I’ve been living with my girlfriend since then.

    - I haven’t told my girlfriend about this fetish yet myself, but I suspect that she might have found out somehow… (not sure about this)

    And this is very, very true in my case – and I’m sure in the case of your boyfriend / “the guy” too:


    Quote Originally Posted by NightFox View Post
    he really, really should have told you about this rather than have you find out as you did. Well, he didn't. [b]Know that the reason was probably nothing more than love- that he values his relationship with you at least as much as he does diapers[b]
    As mentioned, diapers are very sexual for me as well – I’m not into the age play part really. My ultimate sexual fantasy in this respect would be for my girlfriend to wear a diaper – and enjoy it – while we had sex.
    Just a few points in that context:

    - Like PC Baby (in your introduction post) and others prob including “the boyfriend” have mentioned, this has NOTHING AT ALL to do with a desire to be with younger girls or children or anything like that (in fact my girlfriend is slightly older than me, and I’ve actually never been any girls more than one year younger than me, never been interested).

    - If my girlfriend wouldn’t enjoy this, or at least feel comfortable with it, I certainly wouldn’t either (and I don’t think that she would). Someone else on this forum made a good comparison (I found) with vegetarians and meat – if my girlfriend were a strict vegetarian, I wouldn’t cook a dinner involving a huge, juicy steak and expect her to share that dinner with me. And, to remain in that analogy, my craving for meat might get so strong that I’d have to cook a dinner involving meat for myself at times, but I wouldn’t try to “convert her” to liking meat, cos that would probably be pointless and against her nature.

    Anyhow, very interesting to hear about you, and I look forward to reading more in this thread.Unfortunately, I can’t really offer any advice on how to live together with one person having this fetish and the other person not sharing it. I’d imagine that I would be able to in a couple of months from now (possibly sooner), but that’s no use at the moment of course. However, I think it seems like a lot of good advice has been posted already. If you find something to add, or even thoughts or feelings about this whole process of working it out together, I (and probably many other people) would be very, very interested in reading about it.

    All the best – from another Danish guy

  6. #6

    Default

    I occasionally like to smoke a cigar. My wife grew up thinking smoking is wrong, and consequently still hates the thought of smoking. I used to hide my cigar smoking from her which was easy since I only do it when I am backpacking, scuba diving/fishing or something else with the "guys".

    Occasionally she would find my cigars and then a fight was on.

    One day a few years ago, riding in my pickup, she found a pack left over from a recent camping trip. She started in on me. But this time I stood up for myself. I told her she needed to accept that I come as a package. Occasional cigar smoking is part of that package. I told her I would continue NOT doing it around her or come home smelling like a cigar because, while I don't agree with her views, I respect the SHE believes her views. However, I was not going to deny it or lie to her. I told her she now needed to think about this and decide what she could live with. As a package, she could have all of me just as I am or she could decide not to live with all of me as I am.

    From that day on she had not attacked me or tried to intimidate me about my cigar smoking. I know she doesn't like it so I don't tell her "I am going out on the boat today with the guys and we'll probably smoke a cigar or two". At the same time, she doesn't want to be angry or upset so she has learned not to ask. She knows, but she also knows putting me down isn't going to help anything and yet she does respect that I don't impose my cigar habit on her. Sometimes she will say, "I suppose you and your buddies will be smoking cigars". I always resond with, "probably".

    Maybe the same kind of agreement can be worked out with your girlfriend- can you both respect each others' needs enough to sacrificially reach a compromise?

  7. #7

    Default

    I came out to my girlfriend about three months ago. Our situation is a little different because I am asexual (the thought of sex does not appeal to me at all, although diapers are sexual for me). Initially it was very difficult for her. As time went by the shock gradually wore off and she has become more and more accepting of it. You obviously made a mistake by not telling her, but now that it is out in the open it is important that you both be 100% honest in sharing your feelings. Once the idea finally settled in with her I made a list of all of the things that I would like sexually and we talked about which ones she could handle and accept and which ones were currently off limits. For instance, she decided that after we are married she would be fine diapering me but for now she does not want me to wet the diaper. Something that has helped her is seeing how happy and excited it makes me when I wear with her and she holds me. Seeing my reaction has made it a far more pleasurable experience for her. Maybe after time your girlfriend would have the same reaction. Best of luck.

  8. #8

    Default

    Both of my partners have fetishes I don't share. We have enough overlap in our kinks that it works just fine, and I have no problems indulging their kinks now and then when they've been good. If I feel like they are pushing their kinks onto me too often (something that only one of them has a history of doing) I lay down the law and say no more play of that kind until *I* say so. Asking again earns a time-out.

    My other partner is reticent to the point that I have to ask specifically if he wants this or that, or he'll never get it. He is much more reluctant even to ask, so I have to probe him to find out what he actually wants. Which is in its own way just as annoying as having the other one pushing his non-shared kink on me too much of the time.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by cr5311 View Post
    I came out to my girlfriend about three months ago. Our situation is a little different because I am asexual
    I'm actually curious to know more about this part.

  10. #10

    Default

    NightFox - It depends on your definition of asexual. I have no interest in kissing, nudity, or sex. By some definitions of the word, that would make me asexual. However, I do fantasize about being changed (which we haven't done yet - waiting for marriage) or cuddling with a diaper on (which we have done - and I LOVE). While attractiveness of the person is not as critical in my fantasies as it might be in a normal heterosexual man's fantasies, it is most definitely appreciated. It also has to be a woman; I would never want to be changed by a man. In that sense, because I am somewhat attracted to woman, albeit in very specific and limited contexts, I would be considered by some definitions heterosexual. It doesn't matter much to me what I label myself, I am what I am and I fine going by either.

    Also, I found that even though I don't enjoy kissing from a physical standpoint, I have gotten used to it enough to enjoy it from an emotional one. I love seeing my fiancee happy and knowing that I can drive her crazy. Although we are waiting to have sex until after we are married, I imagine that I will feel similarly about sex. She feels the same way about her diapering me. We have decided that we will have to find a balance between doing the things that I like and the things that she likes. I feel so lucky and grateful for how amazing she has been through all of this.

Similar Threads

  1. Moving to the USA
    By fuctifano in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 19-Mar-2010, 04:42
  2. Yay, I'm moving!
    By TsuKiyoMe in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 24-Jun-2009, 15:09
  3. Moving out!
    By FluffyFluffers in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 19-Jun-2009, 03:34
  4. Moving :D
    By KenzoChan in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 24-Jan-2009, 22:23

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.