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Thread: Well here are all the facts in my current case, advice and general guidance would be appreciated.

  1. #1

    Default Well here are all the facts in my current case, advice and general guidance would be appreciated.

    NOTE: PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE THING BEFORE POSTING, BE TOUGHTFUL AND INSIGHTFUL AS POSSIBLE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAS NO SIMPLE SOLUTION SUCH AS "lol dump your fiancee" OR DUMB POST LIKE THAT. Thank you.


    I'll try to keep this as short as possible... but You need to learn where I'm coming from to understand my predicament.

    When I was 15 I was sort of depressed, women left and right rejected me, I swear I tried to date a good 10 women and they all said no to the simplest of dates. Overall I just got really depressed and bummed and decided screw it focus on my life as is I don't need to find love now. Posted about it on some forum and said I'm essentially giving up on love. My fiancee comes along and says "Don't give up it'll bite you in the ass" complicated story ahead she and I grew to talk over that summer 5 years ago and essentially we grew to really like one another and by October of that year we where "dating" as in I really didn't want to bother with other women and she was the only one for me.

    As our relationship grew we visited one another ever 6 months. As much as possible and what not, overall our relationship was great but my fiancee told me that if I needed to have a physical relationship or experience women or have dates and stuff that I could, it was an agreement we had, she told me I could and was allowed only until she moved down. Once she moved down we where mutually exclusive. I never took her up on that offer never felt the need to. Sure I had crushes with other women and what not but that wasn't anything concerning... overall everything was fine and dandy only had eyes for her for 5 years. Proposed last april (2010) and overall it was quite nice and everything was fine. We even had our wedding date set and everything.

    Fast Forward to this summer, go out thinking la la la nothing can change la la la, low behold I seem to have grown this odd weird feelings for my best friend in DC. I was at an internship she and I where similar position and we bonded. We still talk to one another and we have admited that if it weren't for our significant others she would have tried something on me and I would have on her. As it stands we are atractted to one another but I have these odd feelings... I really do think I'm in love with her and I know that I deeply care about her and that I want her to be happy. As it stands It never occured to me that I could feel this way for another women.

    These feelings fucked me up, big time, I felt like a huge hypocrit, questioning everything my marrige, everything. (it's not until now that I realized I was in love with her) Note I've not cheated on my fiancee with anyone I've only kissed her in my life. I've never had another GF she's my first and only one... but having these feelings for someone else have screwed with me to the point where I've officially postponed the wedding. Engagement is still on and I still want to spend my life with my fiancee my feelings for her have not dwindled...yet my feelings for my friend just keep getting a tad bit stronger. As it stands I'm in love with two women.

    My decision is to remain with my fiancee because she's my fiancee and I still feel the same about her. Nothing has changed and I'm open and honest with all parties, so my friend knows how I feel, and My fiancee knows I'm in love (even before I realized it) So currently I still have everyones trust... I'm just in a giant tangled web.

    Thanks to these feelings I've been curious as to how sure am I my fiancee is the one, I've only ever had one kiss and my feelings for my friend brought this to light, my fiancee told me she had these feelings before I proposed and told me that if I needed to sort it out get rid of the itch that it's ok, our relationship wasn't a normal one, it's not orthodox so treating it as such would be stupid. She has given me a free pass and even told me that I should kiss the friend that I'm in love with. I took her advice and proposed that to my friend, asked her if she would be willing and she didn't hesitate and said yes. We where going to do it this past Saturday but other events happened (medical for her) and well it just ruined the plans. As it stands me and her are uber close and she considers me her closest friend the one that knows her true self.

    My decision is to just let her be free I don't see that I can make her happy but I have to satiate my curiosity and test my feelings for her, a kiss that my fiancee suggested. I know that this is one incredibly dangerous game and web I'm weaving. Back fire horribly, I don't want to get married and wonder what if I need to test this out. My friend agreed to kissing me I just have to find time to do it (she lives 2 hours away currently) and well... yeah despite all this our friendship is great and there is no awkwardness not really, I told her that I don't want a relationship with her not really and I want her to be happy. As it stands I love my fiancee much more in a very different way. Very different people... It's all very complicated but I seem to have a handle on things...

    I just fucking wish I'd figure this out before I set a wedding date I feel like... such a hypocrite, I've deeply hurt my fiancee (not by falling in love with someone else by cancelling the wedding) and I feel like such a selfish dick. If the world worked my way, I'd have both of them. Marry both? XD Can't be that selfish now can I? Lately my relationship with my fiancee while great and wonderful has been filled with sadness, basically our future we thought we where going to have has been shattered thanks to my dumb heart and feelings and fears. I feel horrible for ruining all of it and so guilty that I cannot seem to enjoy diapers or regress with my mommy (fiancee) too damn guilty I can't get little... that worries me. I've made a mess of my life that has certain options.... I don't see myself dumping my fiancee, I love her too much for that, if I didn't I'd probably have dumped her ass by now. I'm just so conflicted, I never thought I could feel this way, not about two people... two women.... It's to the point where I hate myself, I'm angry at myself, How can I be so fucking idiotic stupid, such a dick head... me? Of all people the one who has always been morally upright resisting the urges to cheat on my fiancee with my friend in DC. Oh God how I hate myself.

    Any advice or help appreciated? please be considerate and read all of this, don't post half assed things and don't tell me "you can't love two people" because truth be told, I can it's biologically possible and what not. Did my research it's fine and dandy.... and trust me I really do love them. I just want the best for all parties and I don't know what that is... I have an idea but this is a decision that can make or break lives ruin some and make others... and it's all my fault.

    Thanks and I appreciate your replies and advice my friends.... Sorry if it seems like I've been a wreck or a mess lately... honestly I have been. I come to you guys because.... I honestly need as much third parties as possible...

  2. #2
    Cherub

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    Quote Originally Posted by dragsnick View Post
    Any advice or help appreciated?
    don't tell me "you can't love two people" because truth be told, I can

    Thanks and I appreciate your replies and advice my friends
    I honestly need as much third parties as possible...
    Didn't you already ask about this before?

    http://www.adisc.org/forum/mature-to...free-pass.html

    No offense, but you're asking for advice, then telling us what NOT to tell you. Again, no offense, but you are only 20 years old. That's only 1 year older than a teenager. Your hormones are still rampaging through your system. You posted a very similar thread, and are asking the same question again,,,,just my opinion, you are too immature for a committed relationship. I am not picking on you, so please don't take it that way. You asked for 'honest' opinions,. and I am doing just that, giving you an honest feedback. You don't need to screw up something that is already right in front of you. And if you are so deep in the throws of self doubt, than you are still on the immature side of being in such a relationship.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by dlCherub View Post
    Didn't you already ask about this before?

    http://www.adisc.org/forum/mature-to...free-pass.html

    No offense, but you're asking for advice, then telling us what NOT to tell you. Again, no offense, but you are only 20 years old. That's only 1 year older than a teenager. Your hormones are still rampaging through your system. You posted a very similar thread, and are asking the same question again,,,,just my opinion, you are too immature for a committed relationship. I am not picking on you, so please don't take it that way. You asked for 'honest' opinions,. and I am doing just that, giving you an honest feedback. You don't need to screw up something that is already right in front of you. And if you are so deep in the throws of self doubt, than you are still on the immature side of being in such a relationship.
    No I just don't want short thoughtless post ya know? I'll be 21 in three weeks its not that I'm immature its that I've never been in this situation before and I want some general advice. This topics isn't like he other simply because I've made my decision about the past one. I just want yo hear others opinion and see if anyone else has been in a similar boat.

  4. #4
    Supersam1223

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    Quote Originally Posted by dlCherub View Post
    Didn't you already ask about this before?

    http://www.adisc.org/forum/mature-to...free-pass.html

    No offense, but you're asking for advice, then telling us what NOT to tell you. Again, no offense, but you are only 20 years old. That's only 1 year older than a teenager. Your hormones are still rampaging through your system. You posted a very similar thread, and are asking the same question again,,,,just my opinion, you are too immature for a committed relationship. I am not picking on you, so please don't take it that way. You asked for 'honest' opinions,. and I am doing just that, giving you an honest feedback. You don't need to screw up something that is already right in front of you. And if you are so deep in the throws of self doubt, than you are still on the immature side of being in such a relationship.
    I completely disagree with you. My aunt got married at 19 and has been happily married for at least 24 years now (I'm not entirely sure of the figure).

  5. #5
    Cherub

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    Quote Originally Posted by supersam1223 View Post
    I completely disagree with you. My aunt got married at 19 and has been happily married for at least 24 years now (I'm not entirely sure of the figure).
    That's okay if you disagree with me. I don't mind. I'm happy for your aunt as well. Such accounts of successful marriage stories are an encouragement in this day & age where the divorce rate is like 50% or higher. But I was just doing as the OP asked,,,,,giving an honest opinion. As a matter of clarification, I wasn't cutting anyone down.

  6. #6

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    My opinions haven't really changed from my contributions to the last thread. You are massively taking advantage of your fiancee, and I'm truly surprised she's stayed with you. If you kiss this girl, you really can kiss your marriage goodbye - the fact you won't stop thinking about it just suggests you really aren't ready to get married - and certainly not to your fiancee either.

    Regardless of how "unorthodox" your relationship is, if you truly love your girl, stop trying to get with your friend. End of. I'm not saying that married men/women don't find other people attractive, but you know what it's called when you do things outside of a marriage? An affair. Enough to be grounds for divorce. So in a relationship, it's grounds for leaving.

    Seriously, you need to be alone for a bit. I can't imagine how much hurt your fiancee must be feeling - she's incredibly brave to suggest a free pass and stick with you while you cut deep wounds in her heart. She's is constantly trying to show how much she's madly in love with you by offering ridiculous "free pass" solutions - and instead of realising you love her and only want her, you're just going "cool, free pass, lets cheat on my fiancee before she changes her mind!"

    Sorry if you don't agree with my opinions, but cheating is pretty high on my things not to do list. If you were my fiancee I'd have cut you loose by now...

  7. #7

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    If you truly love your fiance you will sacrifice a selfish need that you have for the betterment of your relationship with her and for her. You say you love the other woman in DC, and yet you want to kiss her knowing full well that, once you do that, you may start wanting more. If your friend in DC is actually your "friend" I think she would understand if you didn't want to talk to her for a while in order to clear your head and get things sorted with your fiance, if she cares for you then should make the same sacrifice you have to make - not being with her. She also has a significant other, who may NOT be ok with you two kissing, so you may in actuality be ruining her relationship and not just yours making it worse for all parties involved.

    If you want my honest opinion, I suggest you talk to your friend in DC again telling her that you feel that you want to make sure your fiance is happy and that your fiance knows you love her to the point where you would give something like this up for her. If you are not mature enough to decide who you like more, then maybe you SHOULDN'T be getting married at all, as marriage is a commitment which is not a joke. Once you proposed/accepted a proposal you were telling that person that you love them, that you care for them and that you would do anything for them and want to be in a relationship with them for the rest of your life. If you did not have that in mind then you should not have become engaged in the first place.

    I suggest you think long and hard about who matters more to you, your fiance or your friend in DC, as it may come down to the point where you really do have to decide between being with one and not seeing/talking to the other.

    Thank about it this way though:
    1. Your fiance clearly loves you, and wants to be married to you
    2. your friend in DC is exactly that, a friend who is over 2 hours away who you have a fixation with (understandably) but who may not "love" you back
    3. if you do anything with this friend you will be destroying ALL the trust you have built up with your fiance up until this point and it may ruin what is left of your relationship and may cause the start of a bad marriage, as this will play on both of your minds
    4. if you do anything with your friend and her other half finds out, you may ruin her relationship and cause her to lose her significant other - which isn't cool, as you are hurting more than just your fiance, but her partner as well.

    You could probably tell from my tone that overall I think you should stay with your wife and try to reduce contact with your friend in DC until you feel you have regained control. If you never feel as if you have control then so be it, at least you will be with the woman you declared your love for after proposing to her

  8. #8

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    If your sure you want to love two people..I suggest looking into and doing research on polyamory.

  9. #9

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    My main piece of advice is unchanged from the last time you asked.

    If you're going to do this, then don't kiss your friend E. Kiss someone you don't know, will never see again, who means nothing to you.

    That said, it seemed clear in the last thread that your fiancee was rather pissed at the situation and only acquiescing for the preference of you cheating on her now rather than later. So you've decided you can accept the fact that doing this will hurt her and you've decided to go ahead anyway and you're looking for advice? No offense, if you're still going forward with that decision, then it seems less like you want help making a good decision and more like you want others to absolve you of your guilt about something you know is a bad idea.

    Part of love is that the fact alone that doing something that will hurt the one you love nullifies whether or not it's going to make you happy. I don't care how "non-traditional" or "unorthodox" your relationship is. That's a fucking absolute. If you're forging ahead with kissing someone else you have feelings for despite the fact that your fiancee doesn't want you to, then you need to be questioning whether or not you're in love. This is absolutely an issue of maturity and not of experience (or to both, the lack thereof).

    Moving on, for the new topic, my honest feeling is that right now, you really have no business being engaged to anyone. You've told us you're in love with two women. And your perfect world involves you having relationships with both. Does your fiancee know this? If not, you have a responsibility to let her know. If you have such strong feelings for someone who isn't her, she'd better damn well know. A person's heart isn't something you toy with.

    Being engaged is a period of time where you try on a marriage before you buy it. You and your fiancee get serious to see if your lifestyles, hopes, goals, and dreams are compatible with each other's. Unless your fiancee is ok with you running around with other women, and you made it clear in the previous thread she isn't, then there's a very serious disconnect between what she wants from you and what you want from you. It isn't "get things out of your system" time. It's "see if this thing is going to work for the rest of our lives" time. And it seems quite clear that where things stand now, it isn't (if it was, you wouldn't be so conflicted).
    Last edited by AEsahaettr; 12-Sep-2011 at 00:50.

  10. #10

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    I have not (purposely) read your previous thread and I am using only what you have written so far and the advice of others. As a married person and one who (in an old fashion way) strongly dislikes the idea of divorce, I feel you better damn well know for sure your fiance is "the one". For this simple reason, you actually do need to get what ever is there for the friend out of your system and be honest with your fiance. You are young and in my opinion, not really ready for marriage (especially with so few girl friend experiences). It is only natural to be curios as your hormones are still at their height and can play tricks with your mind. The odds are higher than not that divorce is likely at such a young age (yes I know there are exceptions, but they are not the norm in the last 50 or so years). So my advice is to go ahead seek out your friend. Give it your best shot. See if she is the one or not. But understand the consequences of F-ing up your fiance and your friends significant other. You should not be engaged right now. You need the freedom to "test" the waters and then you will know for sure, without anyone else giving you guidance, that you made the right decision. If you don't do this, you will forever be thinking "what if" and believe me, my wife went through that with her ex and eventually got divorced to be with me. My marriage is the result of someone being put into an arranged marriage at a young age (18), learning to love that person, have two kids and then meet the man of her dreams (me). I saw it form the other side (your friends) and my wife thought she could do the right thing and stay in her marriage, but the love faded and she began to realize what she didn't have with him and what was out there once set free. Good luck and be strong. Divorce is horrible for all involved. Be sure in your actions and be happy.

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