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Thread: Putting Away Hate?

  1. #1

    Default Putting Away Hate?

    Hey, so I don't know if it's appropriate to post this on ADISC, because it really doesnt directly relate to and *A/DL things, but I have come to appretiate the level headed guidence from many mambers here so here goes.

    I grew up in a less than desirable home situation with my sister. My father was abusive, he was an alcaholic, and berated and yelled at us on a near nightly basis, for things that made no sense. I don't really know how to disribe the way he hurt us, not much physically, but mental/emotionally, he devistated us. He said things that were so utterly harmful, I don't want to hash it out.

    Long story short, he was never there for me, even when I was getting picked on every single day at school. He lied to me about my own family, and 100 other things. He let my mother work 8 hour shifts cleaning hospital rooms every night so he could sit on his ass and smoke cigs and drink vodka. and through it all not one single family member (my mother included) stood up for me, or my sister.

    These 2 paragraphs are no where near enough to explain what he's done to my family, and to me. As it stands, I just moved out a months ago (he bitterly aposed that too) and I know live away from his abuse. I want a new life, I don't want to be depressed anymore... I want a new me, and the biggest obsticle I've got right now is this raging hate in my heart. I can't even discribe it.

    So for my official question: how can I get rid of the hate I feel? does anyone know any techniques to help? phycological, theriputic, anything? I need to let this go, it's been proven bad feelings this strong cause serious physical problems, as well as negative phycological routines.

    thanks so much guys, like I said, I'm not sure if this is where a question like this belongs, but I know many of us have gone through at least similare experiences, especially regaurding negativity about being TB/DL etc. thank you again

  2. #2


    I'm gonna dwell a little on advice (it's getting late and I'm struggling to put stuff down into words) but... I will just say that you needn't be apologetic for posting this. We're a support site, not just for ABDL, but in general, and if we can help our members with anything else, we'll sure try.

    I've no doubt you'll get some wise and considered answers, so just hang on in there

    Dan x

  3. #3


    Hi there Malix,

    Real quickly, you posted this in the right section and this kind of stuff is more than welcomed here.

    I hope you get solid advise that can help you make a positive difference in your life. It sounds like you've had a real rough go. My father quit drinking before I was born, and I'm thankful for that all the time. Heck, even though he's been sober and in recovery for over 20 years now, he can still snap and be a real dick at times. My mom is also a recovering addict, so I'm quite familiar with the situation (that is, when people involved are actually trying to get better, which doesn't sound like your situation, sadly). I can also relate to getting picked on all the time and not having anyone to really back you up.

    I am glad you are choosing to move beyond this and to heal. Really, it's much better than the alternatives (you know, going crazy, seeking revenge, etc. ). It sounds like your dad was/is a real pain in the ass, and it would appear as though your mom is simply enabling his behavior, perhaps because it's easier than doing something about it. This is not a good situation to be in.

    As for my number one recommendation, here's a place my parents keep suggesting I go, since it's for those who are family/friends of addicts:
    Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

    I have yet to actually go to a meeting, but I am aware of their mission and feel this is probably a great place to go if you are looking for caring people to talk to who have been there before and understand it all too well. I can also recommend seeing a counselor or therapist, since it can always be helpful to have an extra, knowledgeable person listening to you.

    On top of that, feel free to get to know us here on the 'DISC. I find that writing to supportive online communities can be quite therapeutic in and of itself. I hope you recover from this. You don't ever really get over this, but you can recover.

  4. #4


    Quote Originally Posted by malix View Post
    how can I get rid of the hate I feel?
    First, I strongly advise you to see a counselor. If you cannot afford one and are not opposed to faith based counseling their are well trained counselors associated with churches that will see you at a reduced rate or sometimes free. Should you go this route you need to check their credentials and make sure that their training doesn't come from the Baptist bait and tackle internet school of counseling. Yep I'm goofing on my own denomination, we have good ones and bad ones like anyone else. You will also need to make sure that they are going to approach things in a psychological manner and not use the sessions to brainwash and convert you. I hold my own faith in high enough regard that I never try to talk anyone into it, I let God do His job without thinking I can step in and do it faster or better.

    That being said, I know a little about this from both experience and study. I hope to become a trained psychologist someday and once upon a time started divinity school for a Pastoral Care and Counseling Degree.

    I know just enough to be dangerous and will try hard not to step out of my knowledge base and risk making things worse. What I will say is simple to say and very difficult to implement, again I know this from experience not text book studies. You have to forgive him, not for his sake but your own. You may choose to speak to him about it or not, sometimes it is harder to talk about it as he may choose to ignore you or attack you in defense and make it seem like your fault, but in the end you simply have to forgive and move on. This goes for your mother too. She may have never done anything to you but I infer that you mentioning that she never helped has left you at least disappointed in her maternal responsibilities to protect her young.

    If you have someone that you can use a as a sounding board use them. If you don't, PM me. I may not feel comfortable offering counsel, but I'll listen and that can help quite a bit.

  5. #5


    I am by no means a mental health professional.

    Try writing your feelings down in a notebook, sometimes it helps to just get the thoughts out of your head. I find the more I dwell on a negative thought, the more of my mental energy goes to feeding that idea or feeling. The person or the cause of the negative feeling isn't affected by your contiued thought or misgivings, they are probably not even aware of your feelings or the depths of them, so you just tie up your mental energy and resouces to hold onto the hate.

    Exercise is a great way to sort out feelings, I find the more vigorous the better. Go for a bike ride or on a walk or run. I cant explain why or how it works but it'll help.

    I am sure you've heard the expression go to your happy place, I think it means dwell on an idea or thought that brings you joy or contentment. Perhaps try to think of happier times to come. I know being out on your own will be a struggle, but you are free of the previous living conditions.

    Be strong, hang in there.

  6. #6


    All good advise from above, so I'll only add that often, children of abuse become abusive parents. This is not always the case, and sometimes abused children make a vow, as young adults, that they will never be like their parents. That is something that I hope you will consider. Being a parent, I can remember being tired after working all day. It wasn't always easy to be a good dad, but my kids were the most precious part of my life.

    Most likely you will be a parent, so you will have to keep this front and center. This is why I think seeing a counselor or a therapist would be a good idea. With this much abuse, you have a lot to work out. At the end of that journey comes acceptance and some level of forgiveness. Then you can move on, which is something you must do if you are to know happiness.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    All good advise from above, so I'll only add that often, children of abuse become abusive parents. This is not always the case, and sometimes abused children make a vow, as young adults, that they will never be like their parents. That is something that I hope you will consider. Being a parent, I can remember being tired after working all day. It wasn't always easy to be a good dad, but my kids were the most precious part of my life.
    You have no idea how bad it hurts to be compared to him, like someone stabbing my heart.

  8. #8


    Quote Originally Posted by malix View Post
    You have no idea how bad it hurts to be compared to him, like someone stabbing my heart.
    Yeah. I was actually speaking from experience. Not my parents, but another family member who's father let him down so many times. He used to stand in front of his house waiting for his father to pick him up and take him to the movies. Several hours later, he realized he wasn't coming. He grew up and became a father himself, and is the best father I have ever seen. He had made that vow that he would never be like his idiot parents.

  9. #9

  10. #10


    Firstly, I am truly sorry about your situation. I can understand the burning feeling in your heart.

    Anger is tricky. There are therapeutic ways of decreasing anger, but I am unsure if it actually destroys the anger from within you. I always imagined therapy would simply 'pacify' the anger, making it seem less important. Have you tried writing your feelings down? - Even if it seems pointless, you will eventually feel relieved since your 'letting it all out'. No one needs to see it either, meaning you can be as harsh or as bitter as you please. Anything that helps.

    Counseling is another option. I've never seen one myself, but I have heard from multiple people (close friends as well as here on ADISC), that they can be really good. They don't judge you, all they do is listen and guide. I believe you can be as open or as vague as you want, meaning the process can be slow. This isn't as bad thing though, since I wouldn't rush this. The healing process takes time.

    The good news is, being away from your fathers abusive activity, will (slowly) start to heal your emotions. This will eventually lead to forgiveness (if that's what you want). I don't know if you are in a position to take a break abroad, but that can also work wonders. Somewhere peaceful and serene, somewhere no one bothers you etc....

    As others have suggested, exercise (both mental and physical) is a great way to relieve stress, because it takes your mind away from the primary anger (granted, it is temporary - but even temporary relief is better than none).

    Try not to dwell on the thoughts too much. It can stress you out even further. Anyway, I hope you can get through this. Hang in there. If you need anything, please feel free to PM me.

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