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Thread: wife / sexual compulsion

  1. #1

    Default wife / sexual compulsion

    This is my first post to the board and is kind of similar to the DL Wife post a few weeks ago. However, I decided it was sufficiently different to warrent a new thread.

    My wife and I have been struggling with the diaper thing ever since I told her (before we got married, nearly ten years ago now). I know spouses / girlfriends complain of lying etc. but I think it is important to remember that the subject is VERY hard for us to talk about and we're not able to communicate as effectively as normal. Telling my wife (the first person I ever told) was the hardest thing I have ever done - I procrastinated so much during the two-hour conversation, she honestly thought I was going to tell her that I had been abducted by aliens!

    We are not in a good place with this right now, it is honestly ripping our marriage apart. I fantasize about her involvement but she is really not interested. When she has participated in the past, it is with such indifference that it completely turns me off and so I tell her not to bother and then we end up arguing.

    We have been to therapists many times over the years and really nothing has helped much. One of the issues that I am now struggling with is whether my activities can be considered sexually compulsive. In the past my wife has attended meetings for the partners of sex addicts. This made me very uncomfortable but she seemed to gain something from it. I didn't like her being with a group of people who's partners were addicted to porn or had multiple sexual partners - but perhaps I am those people? But the point is, if my bahavior is sexually compulsive rather than a fun deviation then do I need treatment?

    Our sex life in non-existent now but in the past she has let me wear a diaper before sex and has even diapered me on occasion, but was never really into it. But we don't have very good sex without diapers and so I think she feels the diapers are more important to me than she is. We have 10 years of marriage and three kids so divorce is really not an option, but we have to do something. I get very crabby and depressed at the prospect of giving up diapers, even though I know this will be almost impossible. One option is to just keep it to myself and just go sleep in the spare room once a week, or whatever. But I am very sad about the possability that my wife will never be involved - it will be like going back to when I was younger, when nobody else knew and it really was something I just did on my own. I want to be able to share it with my wife but it all goes back to my earlier question - if I am just a sex addict then really should I not be working on curing myself?

  2. #2

    Default

    Response coming; I'm thinking.

    ---------- Post added at 10:35 ---------- Previous post was at 10:09 ----------

    I'm going to quote throughout. First, in your other thread, you never mentioned how old you and your wife are.

    I shall assume that you and she are early-to-mid-thirties.



    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    This is my first post to the board and is kind of similar to the DL Wife post a few weeks ago. However, I decided it was sufficiently different to warrent a new thread.

    My wife and I have been struggling with the diaper thing ever since I told her (before we got married, nearly ten years ago now). I know spouses / girlfriends complain of lying etc. but I think it is important to remember that the subject is VERY hard for us to talk about and we're not able to communicate as effectively as normal. Telling my wife (the first person I ever told) was the hardest thing I have ever done - I procrastinated so much during the two-hour conversation, she honestly thought I was going to tell her that I had been abducted by aliens!
    I definitely can appreciate how hard it is to have this conversation. Good on you for telling your wife BEFORE you got married; this changes the dynamic significantly, as you both went into this with complete knowledge. As complete as possible, as your interest might have grown or changed in the interim, while her tolerance waned (for example).

    You say that

    we're not able to communicate as effectively as normal
    Do you mean "we" as in you and your wife, or people with an interest in diapers, when talking to others about this interest? This is something that needs an answer, as it is important.


    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    We are not in a good place with this right now, it is honestly ripping our marriage apart. I fantasize about her involvement but she is really not interested. When she has participated in the past, it is with such indifference that it completely turns me off and so I tell her not to bother and then we end up arguing.
    My [now ex-]wife was the first person I ever told, and did so before the marriage. She was an abusive ass-hat, but diapers had nothing to do with anything. I can appreciate both the strain of telling as well as the decidedly indifferent response. In my case, she didn't even participate, but it seems to me that much of the same thing is at work here: you want your wife to participate in this with you, you want to include her in all aspects of your life. She wants to participate out of her love for you, yet (a) doesn't know how, and (b) is obviously not into it.

    What happens, then, is that when she tries to do this for you, she isn't into it--because, you understand, she just isn't--and she probably feels resentful that her work and care is rewarded with your being turned-off and telling her to not even do it. This sounds somewhat like telling someone, "if you're not going to do it right, then don't do it at all."

    Now, what of your side of this? You probably see it in terms of you trying to include her in every aspect of your life, her not willing, able, or wanting to see past this bit of statistical weirdness, and then don't want to carry on with it, as she's not into it and that's not doing anything for you.

    Have I got the right end of the stick here? In short, I think you're arguing because your goals here are different.



    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    We have been to therapists many times over the years and really nothing has helped much. One of the issues that I am now struggling with is whether my activities can be considered sexually compulsive. In the past my wife has attended meetings for the partners of sex addicts. This made me very uncomfortable but she seemed to gain something from it. I didn't like her being with a group of people who's partners were addicted to porn or had multiple sexual partners - but perhaps I am those people? But the point is, if my bahavior is sexually compulsive rather than a fun deviation then do I need treatment?
    I really hate to go over this ... go look at the DSM IV-TR (soon to be V) criteria if you want, but the gist is this: if your diaper-wearing desires or activities are
    • Disruptive across several life-domains (work, home, etc.);
    • Causing you significant distress;
    • Disruptive in the public sphere;
    • All or a large part of your identity and thinking processes
    then I would say that, while not a "compulsion," they are clearly disruptive, and disruptive to the extent that they are, in the lay parlance, Fucking With Your Shit Big Time.


    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    Our sex life in non-existent now but in the past she has let me wear a diaper before sex and has even diapered me on occasion, but was never really into it. But we don't have very good sex without diapers and so I think she feels the diapers are more important to me than she is.
    And now we have the crux of it. Your wife, in your words, feels inferior to an inanimate fetish object.

    Let me ask you something: if your wife came to you and said something along the lines of, "hey, I love my Donkey Dong 4000 vibrator. It's awesome and makes me feel complete. I love you and stuff, but I really can't get off without it," you would probably feel that this was more important to her than either your penis or the man attached to it. At the least, I'm sure you would feel somewhat put off and affronted.

    This may well be how she feels. If so, then it could explain the lack of sex, short fuses, and probable snapping at each other that's going on.


    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    We have 10 years of marriage and three kids so divorce is really not an option, but we have to do something.
    Divorce is always an option. Always. I suspect kids are happier with two functional parents living in different homes than two miserable parents living at home.

    This said, I agree with your sentiment--one must try all else before just bailing out--and I commend you for it.


    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    I get very crabby and depressed at the prospect of giving up diapers, even though I know this will be almost impossible. One option is to just keep it to myself and just go sleep in the spare room once a week, or whatever.
    This will drive a wedge between the two of you, and force her (and your) hand to choose between diapers or the relationship.



    Quote Originally Posted by dprpantsnpypants View Post
    But I am very sad about the possability that my wife will never be involved - it will be like going back to when I was younger, when nobody else knew and it really was something I just did on my own. I want to be able to share it with my wife but it all goes back to my earlier question - if I am just a sex addict then really should I not be working on curing myself?
    Aha, and this is the other crux of your post: beating out the universal truth that we all face, that we are all fundamentally alone here.

    Of course you want to share it with your wife, this is fully understandable.

    I have another dumb question: have you told your wife this, in these words? It's in bold and italic because it IS SO IMPORTANT. You're annoyed, worried, and angry at the notion of being entirely alone, even within a marriage with her, at least in this respect. This is important and actually actionable, unlike, "I like diapers. You don't ... damn."

    To circle your last question back to the earlier part, regardless of meeting diagnostic criteria (and therefore justifiably using terms like "compulsion" and "sex addict" and so forth), the end result is the same: you and your wife are living, at least along this aspect of your lives, as individuals. Does it matter what we call it? I submit that no, it does not.

    You realize, of course, that the Midwest is a terrible place to broach this conversation, right? I'm not sure where your wife is from, but if it's from somewhere like Lamoni, she's hardly used to people being unrelated to each other, much less something like this.

    Hopefully this helps; post back and fill me in. I think it's entirely possible to come through this, both of you, and I'd like to see this happen.

    ---------- Post added at 10:38 ---------- Previous post was at 10:35 ----------

    Crap, you've logged out.

    Hopefully you see this when you come back in.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by h3g3l View Post
    I shall assume that you and she are early-to-mid-thirties.
    Add a decade and you're about right!


    I definitely can appreciate how hard it is to have this conversation. Good on you for telling your wife BEFORE you got married; this changes the dynamic significantly, as you both went into this with complete knowledge. As complete as possible, as your interest might have grown or changed in the interim, while her tolerance waned (for example).
    Yes, I knew it was important to tell her before we got married! Also, I wasn't kidding about the aliens!



    You say that Do you mean "we" as in you and your wife, or people with an interest in diapers, when talking to others about this interest? This is something that needs an answer, as it is important.
    I mean my wife and I. I do not generally talk to others about diapers, this is the first time I have joined a discussion group.



    My [now ex-]wife was the first person I ever told, and did so before the marriage. She was an abusive ass-hat, but diapers had nothing to do with anything. I can appreciate both the strain of telling as well as the decidedly indifferent response. In my case, she didn't even participate, but it seems to me that much of the same thing is at work here: you want your wife to participate in this with you, you want to include her in all aspects of your life. She wants to participate out of her love for you, yet (a) doesn't know how, and (b) is obviously not into it.

    What happens, then, is that when she tries to do this for you, she isn't into it--because, you understand, she just isn't--and she probably feels resentful that her work and care is rewarded with your being turned-off and telling her to not even do it. This sounds somewhat like telling someone, "if you're not going to do it right, then don't do it at all."
    Your analysis seems reasonable. But when it appears difficult or perhaps even distressing for her then I would be a poor husband if I asked her to continue with the same. But you are correct, the way I am saying it does not convey my concern for her, just my own frustration.



    Now, what of your side of this? You probably see it in terms of you trying to include her in every aspect of your life, her not willing, able, or wanting to see past this bit of statistical weirdness, and then don't want to carry on with it, as she's not into it and that's not doing anything for you.

    Have I got the right end of the stick here? In short, I think you're arguing because your goals here are different.
    Again, seems reasonable.



    I really hate to go over this ... go look at the DSM IV-TR (soon to be V) criteria if you want, but the gist is this: if your diaper-wearing desires or activities are
    • Disruptive across several life-domains (work, home, etc.);
    • Causing you significant distress;
    • Disruptive in the public sphere;
    • All or a large part of your identity and thinking processes
    then I would say that, while not a "compulsion," they are clearly disruptive, and disruptive to the extent that they are, in the lay parlance, Fucking With Your Shit Big Time.
    This is where things get cloudy in my opinion. Point two is true for myself but maybe not so for my spouse. Point four, well, it's a fine line maybe. I do think about diapers every day but there are plenty of people who think about regular sex every day. At what point do diapers become a problem? If I have trouble having sex without them, is that a problem?



    Let me ask you something: if your wife came to you and said something along the lines of, "hey, I love my Donkey Dong 4000 vibrator. It's awesome and makes me feel complete. I love you and stuff, but I really can't get off without it," you would probably feel that this was more important to her than either your penis or the man attached to it. At the least, I'm sure you would feel somewhat put off and affronted.
    Well, she does have such a device and when things were going better between us, that was her toy when I had mine!



    Divorce is always an option. Always. I suspect kids are happier with two functional parents living in different homes than two miserable parents living at home.

    This said, I agree with your sentiment--one must try all else before just bailing out--and I commend you for it.
    I generally agree but want to persevere and try to keep things together. There are still good times and I must ask myself would I generally be happier if we were divorced. And finding another partner.... too much like hard work!



    I have another dumb question: have you told your wife this, in these words? It's in bold and italic because it IS SO IMPORTANT. You're annoyed, worried, and angry at the notion of being entirely alone, even within a marriage with her, at least in this respect. This is important and actually actionable, unlike, "I like diapers. You don't ... damn."
    I think that is a great piece of advice, thanks!



    To circle your last question back to the earlier part, regardless of meeting diagnostic criteria (and therefore justifiably using terms like "compulsion" and "sex addict" and so forth), the end result is the same: you and your wife are living, at least along this aspect of your lives, as individuals. Does it matter what we call it? I submit that no, it does not.
    I like that too, well said!



    You realize, of course, that the Midwest is a terrible place to broach this conversation, right? I'm not sure where your wife is from, but if it's from somewhere like Lamoni, she's hardly used to people being unrelated to each other, much less something like this.
    Ha, ha! Yes! Hey, we have gay marriage in Iowa you know, this is a progressive state. But wait, Michele Bachmann just won the straw poll here - I take that back!

    Thanks a bunch for your comments, there were a few things that I think may really be helpful!

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