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Thread: I might have to break somebody's heart… Advice?

  1. #1

    Default I might have to break somebody's heart… Advice?

    I was just asked out by a dear friend of mine and the catch is… She's disabled. Now I have no idea what the full extent of her disability is (as far as I can tell… She completely cognitively aware yet she cannot speak, she can sign and understand a conversation… I have no idea if she's IC, or if she can walk at all… The only time I've seen her, she's been in her wheelchair although the rehab hospital has been working with her with a walker...

    I myself being disabled I don't know if there's any way that I can take care of her on my own although if I really wanted this to work I could get a nursing aide to take primary care of her

    she's been suicidal and very depressed.... The mother sent me a message on Facebook



    The Mom: Cause Kaitlin loves you....

    Me: I... I know she does but I don't want to hurt her.

    The Mom: Kait is going through a tough time. Every one has graduated and she's still there. She's decided that people don't want to be her friends because of her disability. Her speech as you know, limits her and people don't take the time to really get to know her. They don't take the time to realize how intelligent she is and that she has feelings too She's really sad right now.
    (The school she's in keeps her til she's 21.She's 18.)

    Due to her instability.. I don't want to hurt her... My ex-girlfriend is really still tugging at my heart and I don't want to have to break Kait's whether or not my girlfriend comes to her senses are not... I just don't think it'll work out

    where do I go from here?

  2. #2

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    follow your hart and if you don't maby someday you'll wonder what the road not taken would of been fut for now follow your heart

  3. #3

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    Stay true to yourself. Whatever happens you will inevitably be forced to make a choice and deal with the benefits and consequences of that choice.

    There is always room for a lot of what if's in life, too much room. You're better off following your heart and not worrying about what might have been after the fact. Sure you might make the wrong choice once in a while. But that is how we grow as people, through mistakes.

  4. #4

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    from what you say I'm assuming you know her mostly over the internet?

    I think the best question to ask yourself is: do you love her? do you have the kind of romantic spark that drew you into your previous relationships?
    If you want her, sounds like she's yours for the grabbing, and good luck to both of you - if you want it, you'll find a way to make it work.
    If you don't want to be her boyfriend - and if you're asking the question, it kind of seems like you don't - then you have to find a way of letting her down gently, and staying "just friends" with her. If she's in a dark place right now, obviously you don't want a lot of flak for making her feel worse - we understand that.
    It's important you don't try and fake anything out of pity, because that will only end badly.
    (about your ex btw - that's not likely to come to anything. I assume there was a reason she left you, and unless that reason isn't there for her, from my experience, she ain't coming back, sorry)

    like the song says - follow your heart.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by riddle View Post
    from what you say I'm assuming you know her mostly over the internet?

    I think the best question to ask yourself is: do you love her? do you have the kind of romantic spark that drew you into your previous relationships?
    If you want her, sounds like she's yours for the grabbing, and good luck to both of you - if you want it, you'll find a way to make it work.
    If you don't want to be her boyfriend - and if you're asking the question, it kind of seems like you don't - then you have to find a way of letting her down gently, and staying "just friends" with her. If she's in a dark place right now, obviously you don't want a lot of flak for making her feel worse - we understand that.
    It's important you don't try and fake anything out of pity, because that will only end badly.
    (about your ex btw - that's not likely to come to anything. I assume there was a reason she left you, and unless that reason isn't there for her, from my experience, she ain't coming back, sorry)

    like the song says - follow your heart.
    no she lives an hr away, we went to school together

  6. #6

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    Unfortunately, only you can make this decision because you're the only one who really knows her and what she's like. It would be easy for us to say, go out with her once and see whether you want to continue, but that may be naive on our part. I know this girl, now a woman, who is schizophrenic, and I know I would never want to go out with her even though she is a very nice person. (hypothetically as I'm happily married) She wears everyone out immediately. You have to have a stable life, and stability around you, especially if you are disabled. Life is tough enough. Doubling up might be too much. If you don't want to go out with her, don't.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by goodnightmoon92 View Post
    no she lives an hr away, we went to school together
    ok - it's just you said "the only time I've seen her" which I thought meant you'd only seen her once - I guess you meant "I have only ever seen her in a wheelchair"
    but be that as it may...
    do you fancy her? do you want this at all? if not it's a pretty much open and shut case and you just need to let her down gently.

  8. #8

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by goodnightmoon92 View Post
    Yes i do!
    You do want a relationship with her? Cool - sorry that wasn't really clear from what you've written.
    If you want to accept her offer, say yes for goodness sake! You should then get advice from people around you both that probably know your situation better than us.

  10. #10

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    As far as a RELATIONSHIP goes, I think you have the ability to punt quite easily, and in fact, I think that's the best thing to do. I'm not sure you're in a calm enough emotional state to get the lay of the land quite yet. Heck, I thought you wanted a way to avoid a relationship you didn't want until your last comment there. Both the fact that it took you so long to articulate this, plus the fact that your original post sounded rather, well, desperate, makes me think you're a bit of an emotional mess now and aren't thinking things through clearly. Hence, you're asking us for advice.

    What's my advice? Well, we can tell you what we think you should do (as I have up there). But it's more important that you understand the what than the why, and we help you to make the best decision for yourself. So I would shift your reading frame in this thread a little bit given that. There are simply too many variables in your life and hers that we don't know, so this is really a time I think we need to empower YOU to make the choice.

    Anyway, you said that you recently got out of a relationship and that you fully haven't moved on yet. Be honest about that. First, it's a reason to not jump into a relationship with this girl right away, and figure out what you want or don't want. Second, for the same reason, it's really not fair to anyone for you to get into a relationship right now anyway. Be upfront (it seems you're communicating with/through her mom at this point?) about that, and say that without regard to whether or not you'd want a relationship with this girl, you're still moving on from the last one. That should gain you respect points from the mom, give you time to figure things out for yourself, and not do anything unfair to this girl (prematurely reject her, or get into a relationship when your emotions are still committed elsewhere). I think that's Win-Win-Win.

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