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Thread: Part 8 yr old, part grownup?

  1. #1

    Default Part 8 yr old, part grownup?

    hello,

    I don't know if this is in any way related to "being AB/DL" - in fact, I think it is not. Still, I'd like to ask if this sounds familiar. I am trying to make sense of things, and I may be way off in some of my assumptions. Please correct me if I am.*

    I read about AB folk that they like to 'regress', usually way back to infancy. As I have understood it, this is a very deep desire that you just cannot deny. It seems to me like when someone feels this desire, it is as if part of them wants to be expressed.*
    What interests me is how the "self" of the AB person relates to the part of them that "wants to be expressed".*

    You would expect that, for that desire to be noticed, the "self" is not the same as the "baby" part. If it was, there would have been no such desire, for in that case the person would always act as a baby without being aware of it (well, if there wouldn't exist something like feedback by other persons ).

    I have inattentive add, and being diagnosed has taught me a couple of things about myself that didn't make sense before. But there is still something that I have not found in other people with add / adhd, at least not in this degree.*
    I have never had a desire to "act as" something that I perceived I was not. But there have always been people giving me hints that some sides of me weren't altogether "normal for my age".*
    Oh, when I considered them in isolation I always rationalised them away - like "that's just my character" or "nothing wrong with that" but it just does not add up to anything like "normal" when I really think about it.*

    Again, it's not that I feel any longing to be able to act in another way than I already do.*
    It's that some central part of "me" has stopped maturing beyond the level of an 8 year old.*
    There is certainly a link with add/adhd, because that's essentially developmental issue. But others seem to have caught up eventually.*

    To me it is as if "puberty" never happened. At least not in my brain: there is nothing unusual about my body apart from the primary nocturnal enuresis (carefully using the correct term now ) and maybe that my first period came very late at 15.

    There's also nothing immature about my intelligence. But I am absolutely clueless about group dynamics: a psych I saw wanted to test me on autism until she realised that I don't show any of autism's core symptoms. I have no problem at all in one to one personal relations.

    Another odd thing is that I can learn languages just like children can: by osmosis. That capacity is normally lost when the brain hemispheres start specialising.*

    My imagination also works like a child's. This has really astonished me at times: I just feel the images and emotions run off with me. Imagine pulling a joke on your friend, a grown-up woman by talking to her like some do to a four year old: "Aww, you should also eat those last few peas - otherwise they will be so lonely and sad!" and then she starts to cry!*
    It may sound silly and ridiculous but I'm absolutely dead serious; and it's just WEIRD if this happens without your conscious self having any say in it! I really felt so sorry for those peas

    Something similar goes for movies. They just grab me, and there's no way that I have any say in it. I noticed that my physical reaction to what happens in a movie is the same as if I would experience it myself. I particularly remember one horrible movie in which someone threatened to kill someone else and my heart was going like 180 bpm, the sweat running icy down my spine. I hit the OFF switch and thought "Never again!"*

    Another one. When getting to know someone younger than me, I have often felt that they were "moving ahead" where I seemed to be standing still (or moving much slower). They always passed me by at a certain point, eventually leaving me behind. It seems like I'm perpetually stuck in the same life phase.

    I could go on and on. Any single one of them I could have ignored but all of them together - it makes no other sense than assuming that I am basically a child in a grown body.*
    It took me so long to conclude this exactly because by themselves, these things aren't all that dramatic. Also, I don't feel any desire to be other than I am.*

    This is just something that I am curious about, and it does make me feel like I'm the only one. I've never met or spoken to anyone who experienced this to this degree.*
    But ok, it's not a major issue. Overall, I like myself for what I am.

    Thank you for reading this far

  2. #2

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    you might have a form of autism, also as off your period only coming at 15 your a late bloomer

  3. #3

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    In a lot of ways, I feel very similar to you. I feel like I'm so much younger than most of my friends, even though I'm older than a lot of them. When I was at the hospital last, they thought I had something developmental going on, but my therapist from home convinced them otherwise. Comparing the similarities of my current diagnosis with some developmental disabilities. After thinking about this for a while I asked me therapist if my mental age is on track with my chronological age. Without thinking, she said no. A lot of things didn't make sense until I heard that, and it could also explain how you feel, too.

    I also feel like I'm stuck in the same phase of life. I graduated high school this year and I feel like all of my friends are leaving me behind. I'm not ready to go to college and with my current plan I won't be a freshman in an actual university until I'm 20 or 21. I don't do the things a normal teenage girl does. I never went to any of my high school dances and I'm not interested in dating. I only dated before because I felt I was supposed to. I'm not into many adult things. Sex and nudity repulse me and I still think kissing is gross. Pretty much the only adult things I like are some TV shows and driving.

    Most people seem to be able to turn off their *B desires; Whereas I feel like it's just who I am. I don't like Thomas the train just when I'm role playing, I like it all the time and once I start talking about it with someone, it's hard for me to stop. I'm genuinely entertained by kid shows that bore most people my age. I have a large Thomas train set and I play with it often. I feel like I just stopped maturing after a point and my friends just kept on going.

    Just to let you know, you're not alone. I was actually wondering about this earlier today.

  4. #4

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    yeah it could just be that that adult side of you never developed. That you learn language by osmosis is very interesting, I never heard about that. But I recognise some of your experiences, at least from growing up. I was late with a lot of the milestones. Maybe as a boy I had it beaten out of me, sometimes literally and was forced to become a cynical adult. I think I may have deliberately looked for extreme situations to harden myself, haven't quite figured that all out. Anyway, now that I'm a lot more relaxed and in tune with myself some of it is coming back though, and that's pretty great. If you push yourself to be more adult or whatever it's not gonna work, guess that's what I learned

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zhoarnoth View Post
    you might have a form of autism, also as off your period only coming at 15 your a late bloomer
    Hi - thanks... no, it's not autism. Believe me, we looked into that. Autism is indeed also a pervasive developmental disorder, but the basic symptoms of all forms of autism are very different. The only shared issue is "having some form of trouble with groups" but that's not enough by far...

  6. #6

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    i have a similar sense which is mostly due to my particular physical state. of course, as the brain is physical, any neurological issues will manifest themselves psychologically.

    from what i've observed, of myself and of others, physiological and psychological development occur in stages and if a stage is not reached or completed, this then leads to underdevelopment (or delayed development).
    a mulitude of events (physical, physiological and environmental), or non-events, can interfere with what should be 'normal' development and, unfortunately, child development and puberty are among the least understood of physiological and psychological occurances.
    feral children seem to a good example of this process of an interference in development, in that it is often impossible to fully reintroduce them into society.

    i'm not sure where i see myself, now, as i've done a fair bit of growing (psychologically) in the last ten years or so, though i did previously relate to myself, and of myself, as one who was a much 'younger' person than his number of years. of course, it doesn't help when others also relate to one in the same way.

    in many ways, though, i don't think the tempestuous imp will ever be gone.

  7. #7

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    I'm in the same boat. I feel more like an 8-year-old than the 35-year-old I am in reality. It's annoying sometimes especially as I get older as a lot of friends have good jobs, families and et al. I feel like I have not matured like a lot of my friends have as I still buy toys, video games, and yet, unlike normal 8-year-olds, I don't watch today's kiddie crap shows. I prefer more adult shows such as Entourage, Memphis Beat, Falling Skies, The Walking Dead, zombie flicks, and disaster movies. I don't feel like a normal adult in a lot of ways.

    For me, the reason is because of Asperger's Syndrome. I was diagnosed with it in 2004 and I have learned to just accept it and do the best I can with it in my life.

    WildThing121675

  8. #8

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    @ Lizzie: that sounds indeed quite similar! Is it OK to ask what your current diagnosis is? And those developmental disabilities that you mention, what are they?

    I agree about kissing, apart from when it's really gentle and sweet. I never dared to admit that I really feel about things like love and romance like how it is pictured in Disney movies like Snowwhite. Of course I know that life as it turns out isn't a fairytale. The difference is that everyone seems to accept that as a given, but I have always felt that it is what we make of it.

    I've come to realise that I hide a large part of myself from others. I have always been aware that I was different in a number of ways, even as far back as when I was five or six years old. Therefore I've always been quite shy and withdrawn. Just "going along" with others wasn't really an option because that went too much against me.

    I find it very interesting that you DO identify as *B and also talk about role playing. Maybe the difference is that my core self seems to be somewhere between 6 and 11 years old; in any case never younger than that. And it just never occurred to me that "role playing" was an option at all; I'm not sure why. Maybe the idea just doesn't sit well with me, or maybe I just did not give it a chance.

    The idea of "really letting out my inner self" is new and a bit strange. What would I do if I suddenly realised that it was completely OK to act according to how I feel? I never even really thought a lot about that :$ .. ridiculous, isn't it ...
    I suppose that if I really could stop worrying about how other people might react I would be a whole lot more extroverted. Without having to worry about people interpreting it as sexual I would certainly hug others a lot more. I have a huge need to hug / being touched in a non-sexual way. It makes me feel much more at ease and happy.

    @WildThing121675 - I differ from what you describe in that I hate to watch adult shows other than what's rated PG, or even G. Violence disturbs me most; I find graphic sexuality more like distasteful and completely uninteresting.
    I really love watching things that are targeted towards my "internal age" - but I also love mature, intelligent stuff as long as it is PG-safe. I'm quite a fan of absurd humour like Python, Douglas Adams etc. I don't watch much TV anyhow, what I like to watch is like a cross-section of "the best of 40 years of TV" with a PG filter applied to it (long live YouTube!)
    I also love The Office (UK version) and most of all Father Ted.
    And about movies: I can watch any Disney classic a hundred times without ever being bored.

    @LoFiCopter - I tried to hide my inner self, and indeed, it never changed anything. On the positive side: it has probably kept me out of being ridiculed in school, and that's a major plus. I guess there are still quiet a number of things that I would LOVE to succumb to (such as hugging a total stranger) but that are just better not to do.

    But maybe I should add that I never disliked myself for being like I am. It hasn't even occurred to me it was an option. It was simply that I perceived myself having (very) different priorities and needs than others of my age, and I thought it wise to not show that too much. And that wasn't ideal, of course. But I cannot change the whole world. I even can't change myself in any serious sense.

    Another way that this comes out is like this: there are some moments that I am acutely VERY much aware of my situation. It is like waking up from being completely engrossed in playing and suddenly realising that "everyone's gone", and they have forgotten me.
    Just a minute ago, I was still home, my mother was in the kitchen, and my sister and brother in the other room. My dad was about to come home from work.
    But in the blink of an eye, 25 years pass and I am home alone, in a strange house, wondering where the h•ck everyone's gone. I can't even describe how terribly alone and lost I can feel when that comes over me. Luckily it's not that often. Damn, even now that I just describe it without actually experiencing it, it still brings tears to my eyes.

    @Ade - thanks. I agree with you, I don't think that it's ever going to "normalise". But on the other hand: I have only started to understand this in the past two or three years. It's actually a great relief to be able to share this here. I have tried to find others with adhd / add who felt similarly, but as I wrote, with not much success. There are certainly things that we all have in common, but I did not find this sort of Peter-Pan-like stasis in others.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kara View Post
    @ Lizzie: that sounds indeed quite similar! Is it OK to ask what your current diagnosis is? And those developmental disabilities that you mention, what are they?
    It's okay. I have schizophrenia. I'm not entirely sure what they were thinking. Andi said she talked about autism with my doctor at the hospital but it was ruled out because of how similar it is to schizophrenia. The main thing my doctor from the hospital said is that he thought there was something developmental going on. Andi talked him out of it, though.



    Quote Originally Posted by Kara View Post
    I agree about kissing, apart from when it's really gentle and sweet. I never dared to admit that I really feel about things like love and romance like how it is pictured in Disney movies like Snowwhite. Of course I know that life as it turns out isn't a fairytale. The difference is that everyone seems to accept that as a given, but I have always felt that it is what we make of it.
    I just don't like how kissing feels at all. Every time I would kiss Brian, I would feel like I was gonna throw up. I wasn't into sex at all until Brian kind of forced me into it. He didn't force me to do anything, but he was kinda putting the idea into my head every chance he got. I'm not into sex anymore, not that I'm not constantly being pressured about it. I just don't like it and I feel like I'm too young anyway.

    This kind of thing has also caused me to question my sexuality. To be honest, I've never really felt strongly one way or the other. I'm pretty sure I only dated Brian because he loved me and I felt like I was suppose to do that in return. It was all really confusing. I was only 15 when we started dating and felt kinda pressured from the world around me to date someone.



    Quote Originally Posted by Kara View Post
    I've come to realise that I hide a large part of myself from others. I have always been aware that I was different in a number of ways, even as far back as when I was five or six years old. Therefore I've always been quite shy and withdrawn. Just "going along" with others wasn't really an option because that went too much against me.
    That's how I've always felt. I'm also fairly reserved. I have what I like to call "safeties" (A person I know, love, and trust) and I don't go anywhere without one. I like just stepping back and observing what's going on. It's always kinda confusing to me, though. I don't really understand people at all. I've always felt younger than the people around me. I'll be hanging out with someone my age or a year or so younger and I'll feel like I'm at least a couple years younger than they are. Sometimes I even feel like I'm being babysat by them.




    Quote Originally Posted by Kara View Post
    I find it very interesting that you DO identify as *B and also talk about role playing. Maybe the difference is that my core self seems to be somewhere between 6 and 11 years old; in any case never younger than that. And it just never occurred to me that "role playing" was an option at all; I'm not sure why. Maybe the idea just doesn't sit well with me, or maybe I just did not give it a chance.
    The only real difference between me regularly and me roleplaying is usually just the fact that I'm wearing a diaper. I like online roleplaying a lot because I can be who I am and do what I want without ridicule. I know my friends expect me to act relatively close to my age most of the time. However, a lot of my friends have said that they love me for the fact that I'm fun like that but can still be pretty mature.



    Quote Originally Posted by Kara View Post
    The idea of "really letting out my inner self" is new and a bit strange. What would I do if I suddenly realised that it was completely OK to act according to how I feel? I never even really thought a lot about that :$ .. ridiculous, isn't it ...
    I suppose that if I really could stop worrying about how other people might react I would be a whole lot more extroverted. Without having to worry about people interpreting it as sexual I would certainly hug others a lot more. I have a huge need to hug / being touched in a non-sexual way. It makes me feel much more at ease and happy.
    I've never really been one to worry much about what others think of me. I learned a long time ago that if I hide myself, I'm basically living a lie. I'm also a really huggy person. I like to give big, tight hugs. My friends have learned to expect it whenever I hang out with them, now. Hugs make me feel safe and loved. And big bear hugs give me that proprioceptive input that I often crave.

  10. #10

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    Hi Lizzie,

    sorry that it took me some time to reply. It's been a bit hectic.



    Quote Originally Posted by Lizzie View Post
    It's okay. I have schizophrenia. I'm not entirely sure what they were thinking. Andi said she talked about autism with my doctor at the hospital but it was ruled out because of how similar it is to schizophrenia. The main thing my doctor from the hospital said is that he thought there was something developmental going on. Andi talked him out of it, though.
    Oh, ok. I don't know much about schizophrenia - but adhd and autism also have a couple of things in common - especially the non-hyperactive adhd variety that I have. It's also interesting that I generally like people with autism: they are very authentic.
    But I also found that there is a very clear difference.




    Quote Originally Posted by Lizzie View Post
    I just don't like how kissing feels at all. Every time I would kiss Brian, I would feel like I was gonna throw up. I wasn't into sex at all until Brian kind of forced me into it. He didn't force me to do anything, but he was kinda putting the idea into my head every chance he got. I'm not into sex anymore, not that I'm not constantly being pressured about it. I just don't like it and I feel like I'm too young anyway.

    This kind of thing has also caused me to question my sexuality. To be honest, I've never really felt strongly one way or the other. I'm pretty sure I only dated Brian because he loved me and I felt like I was suppose to do that in return. It was all really confusing. I was only 15 when we started dating and felt kinda pressured from the world around me to date someone.
    Well, if I would have been more or less forced to kiss a guy I would probably have felt the same - no matter that I really like my male friends, but I was always adam that "I wanted to marry another girl".



    Quote Originally Posted by Lizzie View Post
    I like just stepping back and observing what's going on. It's always kinda confusing to me, though. I don't really understand people at all. I've always felt younger than the people around me. I'll be hanging out with someone my age or a year or so younger and I'll feel like I'm at least a couple years younger than they are. Sometimes I even feel like I'm being babysat by them.
    I understand that last part very well.
    About (not) understanding people: I understand some quite well; quite a few so-so, and quite another lot not at all either




    Quote Originally Posted by Lizzie View Post
    I've never really been one to worry much about what others think of me. I learned a long time ago that if I hide myself, I'm basically living a lie.
    yes, you're right. It felt like that to me, too: but I oftentimes couldn't figure out what was worse: living a lie, or being rejected.




    Quote Originally Posted by Lizzie View Post
    I'm also a really huggy person. I like to give big, tight hugs. My friends have learned to expect it whenever I hang out with them, now. Hugs make me feel safe and loved. And big bear hugs give me that proprioceptive input that I often crave.
    <- I found a smilie for that

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